Catfish Recap: Only the Very Lonely

Someone please make it stop.  Tonight’s episode is more than I can wrap my brain around.  Let’s see what Nev has up his sleeve for us, shall we?

It’s a girl named Kya who’s been “dating” a guy from Switzerland named Alyx for eight months.  She started out by catfishing him with a fake profile on a website called Vampire Freaks.  Exhausted yet?  Me too.  When Alyx miraculously moved to California, Kya came clean and told him who she really was.  Alyx said it was fine; he loved her anyway.  Already this story is SO messed up.  Nev can’t get Kya on skype fast enough.  Keep in mind, Kya and Alyx have still never met or skyped.  But they say “I love you” 50 times a day.  Kya thinks she could marry this guy.  Here's Kya:

"Vampires aren't supposed to be in the sun."

Nev and Max fly to Mexico, Missouri to meet Kya.  Population: 6, of course.  We meet Kya and her mom, Lisa.  Nev wants to know what Lisa thinks about all of this and Lisa says that Alyx seems like a really nice guy - she spoke to him once - and that as long as he treats Kya with respect, that’s all she cares about.

"She stopped wearing her fangs, so I'm happy."

Okay, my parents would have been bouncing off the walls if I were getting ready to marry someone I’d never seen and only talked to on the internet.  There would be a serious intervention.  Nev sits down with Kya and she takes him through the events leading up to this.  First of all, Kya met Alyx on Vampire Freaks using this as her profile picture:

Here is Alyx:

Wouldn't these two make an adorable supernatural couple?

He’s pansexual, by the way.  Meaning he doesn’t discriminate against any gender, sexual orientation, or... what?  Where does bisexual cross over into pansexual?  Number of partners at once?  Come on.  Kya says she’s also pansexual. That’s just precious.  Oh, and Alyx has his relationship status listed as “engaged,” which Kya says is to her, but that they just decided to put that on their profiles.  Like they’re not actually engaged.  Um... ok?  Kya shows Nev the message she sent Alyx breaking the news that she’s not the girl in her pictures, and including an actual photo.  Alyx just responded that he doesn’t care and she’s beautiful.  Wow, that is one generous guy. I mean, guys tend to place the importance of looks above everything - especially in the beginning of a relationship.  This is either the nicest guy on the planet... or something is catfishy.  Kya says she’s never been in love like this and she wants to meet Alyx no matter what.   

As soon as Nev and Max get into the car Max hits the nail on the head by saying, “Alyx must have something equally big to hide.  I don’t think anyone would just, without skipping a beat, accept as big of a lie as the one she told.”  EXACTLY.  Nev is just caught up in the romance of the whole thing. He’d like to write a poem.

This next segment is brought to you by Google Image Search.  The guys discover that Alyx only has 10 friends on Facebook, which is, of course, a red flag.  Even hermits have at least 100 Facebook friends.  Also, Alyx is doing an internship at Century Media Records, so Max calls them for a reference.  Wouldn’t you know it?  They’ve never heard of Alyx.  Google Image Search to the rescue.  Alyx’s pictures match with a guy named Chris who DOES actually live in Switzerland.  Nev is devastated.  He says this is the one time he actually wanted this person to be legitimate.  Geez, Nev.  How do you think that makes all of your past suckers feel?  Sunny wanted Jamison to be legitimate.  Jasmine wanted Mike to be, too.  And what about Scorpio?  Had you no hope for him? Anyway, Chris has 500 friends, tagged photos, and comments on those photos.  His profile is real.  “Alyx” has no tagged photos or comments.  Next question!  Who is Alyx?  Somehow I don’t think Google Image Search can tell us.  The guys are out of ideas, so they go back to their hotel to sleep on it.

The next day Nev runs a phone number search through the Yellow Pages online.  He has Alyx’s number from Kya.

"I'm still hoping this one can end in marriage."

They find a blog with the tag @beneathskylines, which reminds them of Alyx’s name from Vampire Freaks, Burning Skylines.  The blog they’ve found is basically a suicide note, inviting people to call Alyx’s phone number if they want to say goodbye.  Okay, so not only do these catfish people have to live in some kind of makeshift shelter, they also have to be (or have been) on the verge of suicide.  These are severely at-risk people we’re dealing with here.  Wouldn’t you want to be in a relationship with one of them?  Well, as luck would have it, this suicide note includes an actual name, which the guys pull up on Facebook, where the profile is not set to private.  And guess what.  It’s a girl.  Named Dani.  This is eerily reminiscent of Chelsea, aka Jamison.

"Just waiting for your phone calls before I leave this cruel world."

You know, this is the first time Nev’s made any effort to find out who the catfish ACTUALLY is.  He usually just goes back and tells the (willing) victim that their online love has been lying.  Then the big revelation is in person.  I wonder why they dug so deep this time.  Anyway, Dani - not Alyx - is a woman, but identifies as a man, making him/her transgendered.  Well, that shouldn’t be a problem since Kya’s pansexual, right?  We’ll see if she’s also pan-honesty.

When Nev walks Kya though his series of discoveries she’s a little rattled.  Mostly she’s annoyed because she’s gone out of her way to ask Alyx if he was hiding anything from her, and if anyone would understand, Kya would because she used fake pictures too.  Kya says she’s never really had a preference between men and women, but her brain is on overload because she doesn’t know what to think about being deceived.  Exactly.  The issue here is the dishonesty.  Actually on both sides.  If everyone had been honest up front, then everyone would be entitled to make their choice on whether or not to participate in the relationship.  But since everything is buried under 8 months of lies, there is very little substance here.  I mean, these people don’t even use their real names for crying out loud.  What is there to hold on to?  Text messages?  But Kya still wants to meet Alyx.  Or Dani.  Whoever it is.  Does it matter?  Apparently not!  SOMEONE is paying attention to her.

Nev calls Dani, who tells him that Kya is his soulmate.  Dani sounds slightly more like a guy than Jamison did.  At least he sounds older than 12.  He says yeah, bring Kya out.  We’ll meet up and hang out, yo.  So it’s off to the airport, and wouldn’t you know it?  Kya’s never been on an airplane.  I’d be surprised if she’s ever been outside her computer room. 

Later in Los Angeles after Kya has sufficiently flat ironed her hair, they all drive to a normal looking house. What?  That can’t be right.  Oh, they have to go around to the back - that’s more like it.  They knock on the back door and no one comes out, so they find a side door to knock on, but finally Dani comes walking out from behind the house, where he’s probably living in a tent of some kind.  With internet access, of course.  Kya and Dani look at each other, kind of hesitate, and then hug.  Nev can hardly contain his joy.

Nev:  "They'll definitely name their first child Nev."

Kya wants to know why Dani didn’t come clean when she (Kya) did.  Seriously.  Dani has little to no excuse.  He just says he was too scared.  They all go sit on a patio to chat and after an awkward pause, Kya goes, “So, you’re transgender?”  Ha ha ha ha!  THAT’S not something you get to say every day.  Dani says he’s known since he was six.  And he just started hormone replacement therapy last week.  And he has big plans for a hysterectomy and a mastectomy.  GEEZ.  Dani talks about the bond he has with Kya and the need to continue lying to her to keep her in his life.  Again, we have this recurring theme of TRICKING someone into loving you.  Is this supposed to be flattering?  The way Dani talks it sounds like he wanted to lie to Kya until she was so caught up in things she COULDN’T leave.  Even better - your romantic partner is a hostage in your relationship.  Luckily for Dani, Kya has Stockholm Syndrome and doesn’t mind being a hostage.  In fact, she says she has no problem with it.  Oh dear.  I’m just curious as to at what point honesty WILL be required in this relationship.  I mean, I would think Kya has carte blanche to lie whenever she wants and just point to this whole incident for justification.  Dani too, for that matter.  Are they really going to draw a line today?  I guess so, because they profess their love for one another.  These people must be seriously lonely.  You’re a completely different person from the one you’ve been pretending to be?  No problem!  Just don’t stop talking to me!

Kya:  "One more thing.  I'm actually a dude."

Dani:  "Whatever."

Later Dani takes Kya on a walking tour of his town, Pomona, and they sit down on a curb to make out.  You can practically hear Nev’s shrieks of delight.  The next day he knocks on Kya’s hotel room door and she lets him in to tell him that all systems are go for her and Dani.  She DOES want to call her mom and fill her in on the latest information.  Max gets his 12 cameras ready.  Kya’s mom takes the news shockingly well.  Apparently the eight months of lying matter little as long as Dani treats Kya with respect and dignity.  So... is lying respectful now?  Or is everything forgiven once the truth is forced out by a camera crew?

"No, Mom.  I told you I didn't bring the cape."

And like last week, we head to the beach to spend time together and let Nev conduct a round of interviews.  Dani tells Nev how hard it was growing up feeling so out of place and how mean the other kids always were.  It’s a relief to have Kya with him to refer to him as “he” because that helps him to feel more confident.  Kya says this has been like unwrapping the Christmas present she’s always wanted. Really?  Wouldn’t it be like expecting to receive the Star Wars movies on DVD, then unwrapping the Star Trek TV series?  Like, you don’t really prefer one over the other, but you’ve been told all year you’re getting Star Wars, so that’s what you’ve gotten excited about?  You’re going to be just as happy that Santa Claus deliberately gave you a whole different franchise?  With no intention of ever giving you Star Wars?  Just tell me why, Santa.  At least Nev gets to snap a BFF photo for the Friendship Patrol scrapbook.

All because two people went on Vampire Freaks.com.

So six weeks later Kya and Dani are still going strong - back to their cyber status, but I guess with real names now.  Dani has continued hormone therapy and has a deeper voice to show for it.  He’s saving up for his big surgery.  He’s also flying to Missouri in a couple of weeks to meet Kya’s family.  They admit that their relationship is better now that they’re both being honest.  You don’t say.

I'm with Max on this one.

I’m really having a hard time understanding how BOTH of these people could be SO willing to overlook being lied to - about very important things.  It seems like being with a pretend someone is preferable to them than being alone.  But for how long?  Even in a situation where both parties are 100% honest 100% of the time, an internet/phone relationship is not sufficient to really know or love someone.  There is no substitute for time spent together.  And in this case the entire relationship is founded on DISHONESTY, then carried out on a virtual basis.  And no one cares!  What do these people think love is?  Getting on TV?  What are all of your thoughts on this?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Catfish Recap: What's in a Name? Or a Face?

So after Nev gave himself a chance to recover from the crushing disappointment of failing to form a lasting friendship between Jasmine and Mhissy last week, he decided to hit the emails again to find his next project.  He likes an email from Jarrod, a guy who was in a band after high school until he knocked up his girlfriend at age 20.  Fast forward a few years and he’s married to that girlfriend and raising a daughter when the wife decides she’s had enough and takes off.  After that, poor Jarrod gave up on dating until he met Abby online.  Abby is, of course, his beautiful dream girl.  Jarrod and Abby have never had video capability on their computers at the same time and they’ve only talked on the phone, so meeting in person would be Jarrod’s dream come true.  He lives in Georgia and Abby lives in Mississippi.  Nev immediately skypes Jarrod to make sure he’s serious and ready to sign a release to be filmed.  Jarrod can’t wait.

"Good, cause there are three cameras, an iPhone and a flipcam filming you now."

Nev feels a special connection to this case because it is eerily similar to his own.  Mostly because of the name Abby, which was the name of the “8-year-old girl” who “painted Nev’s photographs,” launching his original online debacle.

Nev and Max fly to Georgia, then once again have to drive themselves off to some podunk town where no one has anything to do but fall in love on Facebook.  Jarrod invites them into his home to see all of the instruments he plays in his band and pictures of his six-year-old daughter.

"We don't get much opera in these parts.  Not a whole lot to do..."

He tells us that he is in love with Abby.  He can’t leave the area because he’s not allowed to take his daughter with him, but luckily Abby has said she is willing to move to the middle of nowhere to be with Jarrod.  What she’s NOT willing to do is skype.  I haven’t caught yet how long they’ve been talking, but Jarrod says that Abby was coming to visit him once, but on the day of the visit she told him something came up with her family and she HAD to go to Mississippi, so it all fell through.  Here’s a picture of Abby:

"I have the hardest time finding dates."

Why do YOU think she cancelled the visit and can’t skype?  Jarrod gets all emotional, saying that girls always put him in the Friend Zone and he’s always been on the sidelines watching all the other couples go by (except, I might point out, for that interlude when he was MARRIED), and he wants it to be his turn.  You’ve had a turn, Jarrod.  You want another turn.  Some people never even get one - I’m just saying.  Nev is quick to point out that no matter what, Jarrod has a very deep connection with the girl he’s been chatting with.  That’s right and it would be very shallow of Jarrod to care at this point if Abby has been using fake pictures, right?  Nev and Max head out, talking about how head over heels Jarrod is.

At a cafe the guys pull up Abby’s Facebook page and notice a guy named Abbott who has posted on her wall.  They message Abbott and he is conveniently readily available and willing to talk about Abby.  He says that he’s sure he’s skyped with her, even though he can’t remember when, and she’s definitely the girl in the pictures.  But remember last week when Mhissy pretended to be not only Mike, but also Mike’s friends?  Yeah.  So they call Abby next.  I never answer calls from unknown numbers but everybody on this show does.  Then they spill their guts to the unknown number.  Like now - Abby tells the guys that she likes Jarrod a lot and looks forward to his calls.  When Nev asks if she’d like to meet him in person, she hesitates, then says, “Yeah.”  Wow, she sounds the opposite of excited.  They hang up and Max goes, “She sounds like a girl who talks to guys on Facebook.”  Ha!  Nev is convinced that her voice matches the Abby pictures.  Whatever THAT means.  Cute voice I guess?

"Her picture is cute AND her voice is cute.  She MUST be the real thing."

And now for the dreaded Google image search.  Sure enough, the Facebook page of a girl named Shana comes up with Abby’s picture.  Shana lives in Ohio.  The guys - as always - speculate that perhaps someone has stolen Abby’s pictures and created a false profile under the name Shana.  RIGHT.  The person who engages in Facebook romances, refuses to skype and has sudden emergencies come up whenever it’s time to meet in person is the one who’s had her identity borrowed. 

The next day the guys join Jarrod at band practice to give him the news of their Google search.  We’re treated to a moment of Jarrod’s band playing while Jarrod screams into a microphone.

Well... he got on MTV.

Jarrod’s situation is so not appealing.  He has a little girl, for heaven’s sake, and he’s still living his teenage dream of being in a band with his buddies.  Not promising.  There are a couple of girls hanging around watching band practice and Nev wants to ask them a few questions since they are friends with Jarrod.  They all sit around on a porch swatting flies and the girls say that Abby bugs them because she talks a big game about meeting up in person but then always backs out.  One of them says Abby has a “petite” voice.  LOL. 

Nev and Max take Jarrod to a restaurant to show him the second Facebook page in private.  You can tell that Jarrod immediately knows the score.  He’s not trying to explain things away, saying maybe Shana stole Abby’s pictures.  Even when Nev suggests that, Jarrod just sits there with his hand over his mouth.  He is super disappointed.  Nev keeps going, saying there are SO many possibilities as to what this could mean.  Shut up, Nev - the jig is obviously up.

Nev:  "Maybe they were twins separated at birth.  Have you seen The Parent Trap?"

Jarrod says he should have known it would turn out to be something like this.  But he decides he still wants to meet Abby, whoever she is.  Nev calls Abby, asking if they can come to Mississippi to meet her tomorrow and Abby is all weird, saying she’s not sure what she’s got going on tomorrow.  Nev tells her to clear her schedule because Jarrod’s really sweet and they’re not messing around here.  She finally agrees.

On the road trip to Mississippi Jarrod talks to Nev about how much he really loves Abby.  Not just the idea of Abby, but her.  And if she’s not who she says she is that will suck, but if her personality is the same, Jarrod will be happy with that.  He’s saying things like the timing is right and everything feels right.  So I guess he’s hoping that as long as Abby is not a total invention, he wants to keep his relationship with her.  Hmm, we’ll see if he sticks to that.

They arrive at a little house and have to go through a gate into a backyard where there are more little houses.  I swear, these people always live in Sketchville.   Remember “Jamison?”  They knock on the door of what looks like a tool shed.

Hopefully it's at least waterproof.

No one answers.  They wander toward the back of the tool shed where there is a small patio and another door.  A girl comes out of the door.  Here she is:

"I KNOW you were expecting something different."

She says, “It is what it is, I suppose.  I mean I know I’m not Barbie or anything like that, you know.”  She says she has a lot of explaining to do and starts by introducing herself as Melissa.  It quickly becomes clear that Melissa is one of those people who chatters to fill an awkward silence, which Jarrod is hanging in the middle of.  Melissa goes on, “I guess you know me, just not ME, you know what I mean? All the emotions, just a different face I suppose...”  she finally trails off and Jarrod offers her NO help, so Nev finally asks why she has a fake profile.  Melissa says that she’s always suffered from self-esteem issues.  In fact, she used to cut herself.  Oh great.  Now if Jarrod rejects her because of her looks he will be responsible for her impending suicide.  Anyway, she made the fake profile so that she could feel better about herself.  How does getting people to respond to someone else’s picture make one feel better about oneself?  Nev takes Jarrod aside and reminds him of everything he said on the car ride down.  Jarrod just says, “Yeah,” and sits down on the ground.  He says he’s trying to make sense of everything.  Melissa is insisting that she was completely herself - except for the name and the picture.  She has her own legitimate profile, but the guys on her “Abby” profile wouldn’t be friends with her if they saw her actual picture.  She says all this in a series of awkward, stammering repetitive spurts.  Jarrod is all confused and Nev says he needs some time to think about everything.  Jarrod staggers away like he’s just been hit in the head.  Very awkward.

Back at the hotel, Jarrod is actually very magnanimous, saying he understands what it’s like to wish you could change who you are, even for a day.  Max points out that Melissa could have told him the truth at any time, but chose not to.  Nev asks Jarrod if he’s going to miss Abby, then makes a big ceremony out of filming Jarrod “unfriending” Abby on Facebook.  How melodramatic. Right before Jarrod clicks, Nev goes, “You sure?”  No Nev.  Jarrod should totally stay friends with Abby now that he knows she doesn’t exist. 

The next morning Nev calls Melissa to ask if they can all spend the day together.  She says yes and we see pictures from her real Facebook profile.  She’s 19.  The guys head back to the tool shed where Melissa emerges with her cousin Lindsay, who looks like her identical twin.

So The Parent Trap theory could still be relevant...

Nev takes Lindsay aside, leaving Melissa and Jarrod to talk.  Melissa barely takes a breath while she yammers on about how nervous she’s been and she’s afraid she’s ruined everything.  Jarrod just smokes and says, “yeah,” once in a while.  Lindsay tells Nev how funny and caring Melissa is and that she created the profile to improve her self-esteem.  Okay, pretending to be someone else can’t actually improve your self-esteem.  It might improve your acting skills, but acting doesn’t make you feel better about being you.  Lindsay says that having a fake profile seems like a lot to worry about on a daily basis.  Seriously.  Don’t these people have jobs?  Come to think of it, it’s been unclear whether ANY of the fakers have had actual jobs (I mean besides being models and producers).  And a couple of them HAVE been nearly homeless. 

Let’s go to the beach!  The ocean is very calming and will certainly help to clear things up.  Melissa sits with Nev and assures him that her fake profile days are over and it’s time to grow up.  She doesn’t know if Jarrod will ever forgive her.

Nev:  "The important thing is that you were yourself on the phone."

Jarrod finally mentions that they’ve been talking for a year and half, and he feels like the person he’s known during that time died last night.  Melissa promises that she meant everything she ever said to Jarrod and feels terrible about deceiving him.  Jarrod says that he fell for Abby because of Melissa’s personality and he doesn’t want to lose their friendship now.  Friendship?  I thought he was so in love, regardless of appearances.  They decide to start over by being Facebook friends again - for reals this time.  Nev is OVERJOYED and gets to snap his BFF photo.

Jarrod looks like he's in physical pain.

A month later Jarrod has grown a beard and put his romantic pursuits on hold to focus on his music.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! His music!  Oh, his poor daughter.  He still talks to Melissa every day.  And as for Melissa, she’s deactivated the “Abby” profile and also lost 15 pounds.  Of course she has - she met Nev, didn’t she?  It sounds like they’re planning to meet up again soon, so Nev’s work here is done.  No appearance from Shana - the actual girl from the Abby pictures.  Thanks for nothing, Nev.

Well, Jarrod actually seems like a pretty nice guy.  Many guys would have taken off screaming when they found out that the little blonde pixie was actually... well, Melissa.  Melissa seems very young and very nervous.  I guess it’s nice that they can stay friends.  I mean, what else have they got?

How did you guys like this week’s adventure?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Catfish Recap: Ghetto Fabulous

We begin this evening’s episode by learning that Nev has 1200 unread emails in his inbox.  Yes, 1200 people are involved in a “bizarre online romance” and have become so frustrated with their progress that they have resorted to sending this Catfish guy an email begging for assistance.  This is only my humble opinion, but perhaps if it’s THAT frustrating and THAT difficult to make heads or tails of your online love, this isn’t the person for you.  Just sayin.  But I guess 1200 people can’t be wrong.  Can they?

Nev settles on an email from Jasmine, who has been chatting with a guy named Mike for two years.  Jasmine has a nine month old son (so I guess Mike was around through conception, pregnancy, birth, etc.) and Mike has kids too, so he totally understands Jasmine.  I also have a child, but don’t understand Jasmine as well.  They’ve never been able to meet up, which is odd because they only live 15 minutes apart.  Also, they’ve only talked on the phone a couple of times, so their relationship is mostly via text message.  Wow.  Oh and Mike is a modeling producer so he travels a lot.  So far this seems completely legitimate.  No red flags anywhere in sight.  What seems to be the problem, Jasmine?

"And how can I help you find the beauty within?"

Oh, she wants to meet Mike in person.  And the only way that will happen across those several prohibitive miles is if a camera crew is involved.  Nev and Max are immediately intrigued.  This Mike guy is clearly hiding something.  Let’s get to Atlanta and find out if he’s still hanging with his baby mama or what. 

When we meet Jasmine in person Nev asks her what is so special about Mike.  Jasmine says that he’s really funny and he’s a good listener.  And by that she means that he responds promptly to her text messages.  I’m not kidding - that’s how she defines “good listener.”

"Sometimes you just need someone who REALLY listens."

Also, Mike is independent and takes care of his kids.  Jasmine hopes he will be the man who loves her for who she is and shows her what a real man is like.  For starters I would venture to guess that real men will drive 15 minutes to see their women up close and personal.  But I’ve never been a modeling producer and had to deal with all that travel. 

Nev takes a look at Mike’s Facebook page.  His occupation is listed as “Model Coordintator at Government Central Model School.”

So he misspelled his own title and apparently there is a school for aspiring models being run by our government.  Sounds promising, no?  Also, Jasmine has asked Mike for photos besides the ones on his Facebook page, but all he sends her are the ones from his Facebook page.

"Sending you a classic... again."

He tried to call her once from New York on a business trip, but the service was bad and they got disconnected.  But she has a phone full of text messages!  Nev asks if Jasmine has considered that Mike is not exactly who he says he is.  Nev!  How dare you?  Jasmine says she’s quite confident that he’s who he says he is, but she IS worried that he might still be involved with his kids’ mother.  Nev and Max have heard enough.  They hug Jasmine goodbye and drive away discussing the great probability that this guy is total crap.

They arrive at their bed and breakfast to begin their intense Google investigation.  First off, the Government Central Model School is a regular school (like for children) in Pakistan.  It is not a government-run modeling agency here in the US.  Oops.  So either a) Mike has mistagged his employer and failed to notice, b) Mike listed what he thought sounded like a modeling agency in order to trick people (and he is intellectually challenged), or c) Mike is a school-aged child living in Pakistan who has listed his actual school, but lied about everything else.  Ha ha ha!  Take your pick, Jasmine!  Which of those would be less horrifying?

"So are we booking a flight to Pakistan?"

Nev and Max scroll through Mike’s public Facebook page and notice some messages on his wall from a girl named CeAnna, so they shoot her a message asking if she’d be willing to talk to them.  Of course that is no problem and CeAnna immediately sends her phone number.  Right.  If I got some sketchy Facebook message from someone wanting to ask me questions about my friend there is no way I would even respond.  Oh and also, the guys have Google image searched Mike’s picture and landed on another Facebook page with the exact same profile picture, but the guy’s name is Tyler Jackson.  When they call CeAnna, CeAnna says that she went to school with Mike, that the guy in the pictures is actually Mike, and that Mike is engaged with two children.  Oh and feel free to call her back if they think of any other questions.  She doesn’t mind at all!  That’s very convenient.

Nev and Max are pretty baffled, but they think that probably the reason Mike won’t talk on the phone is because of his fiance.  Yeah, that would do it.  Why didn’t they ask CeAnna about the Government Model School?  Is that where she and Mike attended school together? Does she know where Mike actually does work?  Quick - call her back!  But instead they focus on one of Mike’s Facebook friends whose name is Triggs.  Triggs is a rapper/singer/songwriter.  Heard of him?  No?  Oh, maybe Mike represents him!  So many possibilities.  Next they call Mike’s number, but they just get a message saying the party can’t be reached and will be notified of the call.  Click.  No opportunity to even leave a voicemail.  That’s not professional.  It’s certainly not a positive representation of the Government Central Model School.  So they shoot him a text to see if he can talk and he responds that he can text. 

But first the guys are meeting up with Jasmine and her son at a park.  Her son is named Isaiah.  Poor Isaiah.  He has no idea what he’s been dragged into.

"I can't bother Mommy when she's typing on her phone."

Nev tells Jasmine what they’ve found out and the biggest news is that this CeAnna girl told them that Mike is still engaged.  Second biggest news is that there is another Facebook profile with Mike’s picture on it.  As they show these things to Jasmine she notices Triggs’ picture up on the screen and asks how they know him.  Turns out Triggs is her ex-boyfriend.  Nev asks if Triggs could be posing as Mike, but Jasmine is doubtful.  Well it’s time for a face-to-face conversation and Nev orders Jasmine to text Mike telling him so.  Jasmine asks what if it’s all fake and Nev tells her that either way, she has a true friend on the other end of that phone.  Just kidding, he just says that he’s there for her.  But you know he’s dreaming of this budding friendship.

The next day Jasmine calls Nev to triumphantly announce that Mike has agreed to meet!  How lucky that he isn’t on a model scout out of town somewhere.  The guys head over to pick Jasmine up and she has outdone herself.  She’s wearing a bubble dress with a belt around the waist and has apparently been watching Toddlers and Tiaras for makeup tips.  Max goes, “Look at your makeup!” which my friend astutely pointed out is not necessarily a compliment.

"Yes, Honey Boo Boo got a princess title with this eyeshadow."

They chat with Jasmine about how she’s feeling and she says that yeah, she’s kind of confused about who Mike really is, but mostly she’s afraid to learn that he’s still engaged to his baby mama.  It would be devastating because Mike is giving her all the attention she ever wanted.  Via text message I feel obliged to add!  But enough talking, let’s go meet Mike. 

The gang drives over to Mike’s apartment complex and as they approach Max goes, “It doesn’t look like a super successful modeling agent would live here.”  Geez, Max.  Mike is just a coordintator, give him a break.  Plus everyone knows government agencies don’t pay as well as privately run businesses.  I’m sure he has a good pension plan.  Perhaps this is government issued housing?  Jasmine texts Mike that she’s there and she and Nev get out of the car to give the crew time to figure out some angles and wait for Mike.  Jasmine hyperventilates and pretty soon a girl in a tight red dress approaches.

Jasmine panics that she knows that girl and calls out to the girl, “Don’t come over here!”  Like she doesn’t want this girl to come and mess up Jasmine’s introduction to Mike.  The girl walks over anyway and tosses a flower at Jasmine.  Jasmine goes, “So you’re Mike?”  The girl - whose name is Mhissy (silent H) says yes.  Jasmine wants to know why and Mhissy keeps saying, “Why not?” Then she says it was for revenge.  Then they argue over who looks better, Mhissy or Jasmine.

Nev realizes this meeting is quickly slipping away from him.

Nev finally steps in the middle and takes Jasmine aside.  Jasmine is all upset, saying she wants to beat Mhissy’s ass and that she thought she was meeting someone she liked.  Oh also, apparently Mhissy also has a past with Triggs.  It is unclear which lady was dating him first, but they clearly don’t appreciate each other’s presence on the planet.  Jasmine explains that she and Mhissy met at the mall (What?  Did they time travel back to 1987 to meet?  Who makes friends with people at the mall?  And then describes it as meeting at the mall?) and realized they were both seeing Triggs.

"So is Mike engaged or not?"

Meanwhile Nev has gone over to talk to Mhissy and Mhissy explains that she created this online guy to distract Jasmine from Triggs and leave him to Mhissy.  Jasmine marches over, demanding an explanation and Mhissy derides Jasmine for falling for someone whose voice she only heard twice in two years.  By the way, Mhissy and Triggs are still dating.

"So I win, I win and I win!"

The girls keep yelling at each other and approaching each other like they’re going to start swinging, so Nev puts Jasmine in the car.  Mhissy walks back to her apartment while Jasmine cries in the car, begging Nev for permission to beat Mhissy’s ass.  Nev says it won’t help anything.  Okay, so it sounds like it’s been quite some time since Jasmine lost interest in Triggs and shifted her focus to “Mike,” so why did Mhissy keep it up?  Was she afraid Jasmine would come right back to Triggs if Mike went away?  Was the guy who impregnated Jasmine not distraction enough?  Is this Triggs character possibly worth all of his hullabaloo?  I’m going to go out on a limb and say no.  He’s also obviously incapable of deciding for himself which lady he’d prefer to spend time with. 

The next day Nev is convinced that Mhissy must have a really good explanation for pretending to be Mike for two years so he calls and sets up a time to come over and talk to her some more without Jasmine.  When they get to Mhissy’s apartment we meet Mhissy’s mom and her toddler aged niece, Diamond, whom Mhissy takes care of.

"Ma'am, can you please explain the H in your daughter's name?"

Nev asks Mhissy’s mom if she knows anything about Jasmine.  Why would it matter if Mhissy’s mom knows?  Does Nev want her to weigh in?  Ground Mhissy?  She says that she knows they don’t like each other because Jasmine used to mess with Mhissy’s boyfriend.  But she doesn’t say “mess,” she says eff.  In front of the baby.  In fact, that term has been thrown around a lot in the past few minutes.  Nev excuses the mom and Diamond, then notices that the coffee table is missing its glass.  Mhissy explains that there was an “altercation” between Diamond’s mom and Mhissy’s mom.  Did Nev notice the cut on Mhissy’s mom’s head?  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  Where are we?  This is not an upscale situation here.  Oh, and the sister is now in jail.  Lovely.  We can’t fix all of that right now, so let’s see if we can at least get Mhissy and Jasmine to reconcile, shall we?  Mhissy explains that Jasmine and Triggs were never dating - they just slept together once while he and Mhissy were dating and that’s why she wanted Jasmine to get lost.  This Triggs sounds better and better.  Max asks if Missy was also the voice of CeAnna on the phone.  She was.  Nev explains that Jasmine is very hurt and embarrassed, to which Mhissy says that’s exactly what she hoped for.  She says she doesn’t care if people think poorly of her because no one understands what she’s been through.

"My troubles justify long-term fraud."

For instance, when she was 15 she was six months pregnant and the baby’s father was taking Xanax and smoking weed.  Geez, so he must have been asleep a lot and not very helpful.  Anyway, the baby was too small and did not survive.  That’s awful.  And a month after that happened she met Triggs.  Okay.  I’m not going to minimize what this girl has gone through if all that is true.  What I can’t figure out is how, after having gone through something that serious, she can get herself so worked up over nonsense like getting revenge on Jasmine.  Or maybe that’s all she CAN do.  It’s really sad because it’s SUCH a waste of time and energy, and I’m sure it’s done nothing in the way of helping her to deal with her loss.  Max actually asks her what she has now that she’s gotten her revenge.  She laughs and says she has a smile on her face.  Nev says he would hate for Mhissy to have to live with the regret of things she’s done in anger.  BUT he’s glad to have met her and gotten to know her a bit, and now they’ve got to be on their way. 

Max and Nev drive away talking about how smart and mature Mhissy is.  WHAT?  Is it opposite day?  I think that they were pleasantly surprised to find out that Mhissy didn’t come across as a completely callous, mean-spirited belligerent person - she actually seemed to have a soul.  But that does NOT make her smart OR mature.  Uh... NO.  Anyway, Nev reports back to Jasmine that Mhissy did not have good intentions, but he hopes that Jasmine has learned something here.  Jasmine says she certainly has.  No more online friends.  Nev tells her that she’s a lot of fun and a great mom and if she can leave this behind her there are great things ahead.  I’m not so sure about all that, but whatever.

We check in with our participants two months later and learn that Jasmine has put her search for romance on hold in favor of school and spending more time with her son.  Sure.  Mhissy has decided to legally adopt her niece and stop creating fake profiles on Facebook.  I love how every week these people have completely reformed their entire lives since Nev popped in on them with his camera.  It’s a lovely story.  And that’s it.  What?  I wanted to meet the man behind the picture!  I like when they hunt down the person whose identity has been borrowed to create these fantasy relationships.  No such luck this time.  Maybe the guy didn’t want to participate, which I would understand. This episode was VERY low rent. 

What did you guys think? 

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta