Thursday, September 07, 2006

Second Time's the Charm (on Two-A-Days)

Following last week’s season premiere, where our new protagonists won the biggest football game of their entire lives, we come once again to the magnificence of Hoover High School where the kids are all eating lunch. Alex tells Max he got chewed out for being a dumbass after the big game. He must not have believed Coach Propst when he said the Buccaneers were not as good a team as Nease right now and if anyone believes any different, then “You’re the dumbest dumbass I’ve ever known!” Ha ha. Actually, Alex is referring to being caught having some sort of illicit relationship with a girl named Keagan. He ended last week by saying he had the whole world pissed off at him.

Alex explains to us Max that the story with Keagan is that she offered to help Alex with a project, they studied together, and that’s it. I’m not sure if I believe him at this point – his boy-bangs are confusing me.

Kristin spends lunch giving Alex the stink eye. (She must have watched “Laguna Beach” and learned from Jason.)

Keagan says she doesn’t feel bad that Alex and Kristin broke up because she never did anything with Alex; she’s never even been alone with him. Keagan actually sounds pretty convincing and I’m beginning to wonder if I pounced on Alex’s character a bit prematurely. And I did. Kristin admits that she doesn’t think Alex cheated, but she’s still mad because he lied about hanging out with Keagan. True, that’s not cool, but is it actually a deal breaker? Did something else go down we haven’t yet heard about?

We’re off to football practice! This week the Buccaneers are playing their cross-town rivals, Spain Park, and it’s a long standing, serious rivalry. Max even reveals that at last year’s game, some parents got into a fight. That’s wonderful news. Too bad MTV wasn’t around last year. I have a pretty strong feeling that Coach Propst was involved in said brawl. I don’t know, he just strikes me as the type to either start something like that, or insert himself right in the middle of something like that. He’s the poster boy for unhealthy parental pressure.

Throughout practice, we have our basic screaming and degradation from the coaches.

We switch now to Kristin and Blair having a chat in Kristin’s bedroom. Blair serves as the conversation driver. Temporary? We shall see. But I suddenly have this irresistible urge to look up Whitney on the internet.

Kristin laments that everything reminds her of Alex – all her cheerleading stuff, etc. She wonders why he had to do this to her. It sounds like he actually didn’t do anything, but he did lie about not doing anything… or something. The girls get to the real grit of the issue: Who will take Kristin to Homecoming if she doesn’t make up with Alex?

In class, there seems to be a fascinating exercise about what girls want from guys and what guys want from girls. The girls’ list (represented by an unnamed female classmate) is your general politeness, honesty, communication, and no cheating. I’m traumatized that this has to be made clear on a list. Women can be so demanding. Here is the guys’ list (represented by Alex) and I’m not joking: good cook, good looking, no nagging, comes from money. Wow. A pretty, quiet, rich girl who cooks? That sounds more like someone you would have sent over from some kind of illegal agency than someone you would actually be in a relationship with. Why would you want someone who works hard or has meaningful dreams? No need for a woman who can support you, share with you, relate to you, or comfort you. Shut up and fry my chicken! There’s a game tomorrow! And have your daddy send another check – we’re almost out of beer!

And it’s back to football practice – hey, they don’t call this show Two-A-Days for nothing. All Alex can think about is Kristin cooking up some mashed potatoes while she cries. This makes it very difficult to concentrate on football. She’s such a nag, wanting him to tell the truth and all that. The crying would also tend to smear her makeup, so there go her looks, too. Next Alex is going to tell us that Kristin’s father has come upon financial troubles and then we may as well just cheer for Spain Park because there will be nothing to keep Alex going.

Coach Propst tells the team that they are embarrassing the Hoover jersey. You know, the one he swept up from obscurity and launched into nationwide fame? Don’t mess with the jersey. Can anyone say “showboat?”

Over to a restaurant, where Kristin is eating with a group of pals and comes up with a super fun game called “Everybody Focus on ME!” We go around the table and everyone says whether or not Kristin and Alex should get back together. And she wants honesty – she’s recording with her video camera. Hmm, self involved much?

Flash over to Alex moping at home with his shirt off, who says that Goose is happy that Alex and Kristin broke up because Goose has had a thing for Kristin all through high school.

Naturally, Kristin starts off her game with Goose –nothing like a good shot in the arm from someone with a long-standing unacknowledged crush. Goose, showing maturity uncommon among Hoover boys, refuses to answer the question. I’m impressed that he recognized the impossibility of answering correctly on either side. I do have to say that I’m not too, too surprised because Goose doesn’t have “the hairdo,” so he does show signs of good judgment. Perhaps Goose is also a little more forgiving about a woman’s culinary skills? Only time will tell! Blair jumps in front of Kristin’s camera and says that while Alex shouldn’t have lied, if he “works really hard” to earn Kristin’s trust back, they should get back together. Way to ride the fence there, Desperado.

And it’s off to the bowling alley where Kristin is receiving text messages from Alex, but is making him “work really hard” by not answering him for a while. Good grief – we all saw Alex pinning a corsage on Kristin in the season preview. How long are we going to watch this puppet show power struggle before the inevitable comes to pass? Kristin confessionals that Goose is one of her best punching bags – I mean friends – because he’s always there for her when she and Alex are fighting. Hmm, I wonder what might be the reason behind that!

Kristin decides to up the stakes, so after playfully slapping Goose on the shoulder she smiles and tells him that he smells good. Kristin’s voiceover tells us that it would be “so much fun” to go to Homecoming with a friend like Goose. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call “hedging our bets.”

Alex, still pouting shirtless at home, metaphorically throws his hands in the air and says that he’s done fighting that battle and if Kristin and Goose want to be together, it’s fine by him. His constant text messages tell a slightly different story, but whatever.

Back from commercial, we are introduced to a new character: Offensive Tackle Bryan. He is playing his clarinet and then jumps in his car to treat us to a solo recital of Phantom of the Opera on his way to football practice. Is this like that thing you always hear about football players having to learn ballet to increase their coordination, or is this just a random act of show tunes? Give Bryan’s regards to Broadway, m’kay? We watch some more football practice while Bryan confessionals about his position and I keep expecting him to break into song about the glory of football. Do I sense a future Broadway smash hit?

Max confessionals that Ross the Quarterback did not play very well in the game against Nease (remember last week’s biggest game of their lives?). Alex agrees, and so does Ross.

Over to cheerleading practice, where Kristin once again confessionals about how devastated she is from Alex’s behavior. He’s never done anything this bad before and it’s going to be really hard to get over him. Do we really need to hear this again? And furthermore, could Kristin maybe be blowing this out of proportion a teency little bit? After all, it turns out that he didn’t do anything with Keagan, and he has been working really, really hard on his cell phone with all of his text messages.

Now we join Ross in his backyard playing catch with his famous brother, John Parker. Apparently John Parker always goes by his first and last name together, even to his little brother (who incidentally has a different last name). Ross tells us that John Parker used to be the quarterback at Hoover and now he is the quarterback at the University of Alabama. I remember this from when Coach Propst told me last week. Ross and John Parker are good friends. John Parker has “the hairdo.” It holds up nicely through backyard catch – for both brothers.

Back from commercial, it’s Game Day! Alex tells us it’s time to stop worrying about Kristin because she can’t come between him and a good ball game. Hopefully she’ll fix her makeup and bake a pie in the meantime. Coach Propst gives a miniature pep talk and whips out the old sun visor preparing to take the field.

And now for another game. I will try to translate what I see into something that makes sense for those who actually know football:

  • Ross completes a pass. Very good for him after the crap talking in the last segment.
  • Uh oh. Ross throws what looks like a good pass right into the open arms of a Spain Park player. This is called an interception. Ha! I actually did know that.
  • Oooh! In an act of revenge, a Hoover Buccaneer intercepts a pass thrown by the Spain Park quarterback. Things may be looking up.
  • Hoover makes a touchdown (apparently their second because the score is now 14 to nothing).
  • Oh dear, now this is not good because Spain Park just made a touchdown. Kristin looks really worried. The skull and crossbones painted on her face are beginning to furrow.
  • Max does something good because the announcer says that Hoover defense has stopped Spain Park and Max goes into convulsions on the sidelines. I thought he was angry until other players started patting him on the head and giving him high fives.
  • And the Buccaneers win 24 to 10. Whew! That was very exciting. I do quite enjoy the condensed timing of the games. Too bad ESPN doesn’t do that all the time.

Bryan, remember our musician? Is high-fiving his fellow marching band members in eager anticipation of the end of football season so that he can join them in making formations.

The other players rejoice. You can not lose to Spain Park.

All in all, this was kind of a dull episode, especially after last week’s premiere extravaganza. I was hoping for at least one of the following:

A) Hysterical, inconsolable crying from Kristin.
B) Evil gloating/laughter from Keagan.
C) A major football injury for any of the players.
D) A Hoover loss (perish the thought!).
E) More backwoods profanity-filled “motivating” quotes from Coach Propst.

And I’ll be honest; I’m going to be watching for that “Church vs. State” lawsuit all season.

Let’s see what happens next week…

Did you all like this episode? Do you think Alex is telling the truth? Was Coach Propst sedated, or were all of his good speeches just edited out?

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Anonymous said...

In the 2004 Hoover-Spain Park game (the season before Two-A-Days) the Spain Park quarterback, Neil Caudle, injured himself by trying to take a cheap shot at a Hoover player. Many Spain Park fans thought Alex, the star of the MTV show, caused the injury (although this was incorrect), and were upset the referees failed to penalize Alex.

Caudle's dad went up to Alex after the game and informed Alex that when baseball season rolls around, he would tell Neil to go for Alex's head. He then insulted a mother of a Hoover player and was knocked unconscious by her husband.

Also, John Parker's last name is Wilson, not Parker. He just goes by John Parker. He is the quarterback at Alabama.

Anonymous said...

Another Clarification: Hoover used to be Berry High School (Berry Bucs). Hoover grew and grew and grew until they built a new college, I mean High School. Spain Park is a newer high school that is actually PART OF the Hoover School System (kind of like Hoover High School II), and many of these kids went to school together prior to Spain Park being built. That is what Propst was referring to when he mentioned them playing their "friends". Big rivalry, but not an OLD rivalry. Is anyone getting an idea of exactly how big the "bedroom" community of Hoover, AL is that it now has 2 6A High schools?

NoiXdeCoco said...

I still get confused when you say "Alex" that you're referring to a boy and not a girl. It has been ingraind in me from is there a conversation driver in this show? I'm curious to find out. Is it the bang / hair dresser?

Loved this: Max even reveals that at last year’s game, some parents got into a fight. That’s wonderful news. Ha ha ha...indeed, very dramatic.

In this class of lists of what women want, it's basic considerations. Men want no nagging?? I know of a great way to avoid getting nagged - do the right thing! If they wore their winter pants in the winter, and did their house-ly duties, no one would nag them. It's so funny, as if we want to nag. That's my biggest nightmare - to parent an equal. Geez. But for the spirit of things, I want to make my own list:
- College Education
- Be a responsible provider
- Respect
- No drugs or alcohol problems
- No womanizing issues
- wait, that's not an issue, I think everyone is funny.

I love your description of Goose and Kristin and Alex triangle. Hilarious. What the best part about it is, it's what I did, what you did, what every girl and boy of teenage wrath did, and yet it's deemed interestign enough to be on TV! Why can't we get our own reality show? At least we do things that are out of the ordinary. Perhaps that is our kiss of death.

I still think the hair jokes are funny! Keep at it HG. And also the football game recap recap. For future episodes, I vote for E.) More backwoods profanity-filled "motivating" quotes from Coach Propst (no relation to Jeff Probst).

And I’ll be honest; I’m going to be watching for that “Church vs. State” lawsuit all season. ha ha ha.