Newport Harbor: That's a Wrap!

"Did you all use the spray tan we gave you?"

So eight big episodes mark the debut of Newport Harbor: The Other Laguna Beach. I’m not sure how the change in scenery has fared for our MTV documentarians, but I guess you don’t find a Kristin Cavallari on every block, do you? I do think, though, that you can find a Lauren Conrad on every block and that is the lesson we have learned from our Newport narrator, Chrissy – the latest boring pretty girl. All she has to do is drop out of college, have MTV rig her up a prestigious internship, surround herself with controversial friends and start clubbing in LA and we’ll have another Hills! See what you can do, Chrissy. In the meantime, let’s say goodbye to our new friends.

The cookie cutters have been all messed up and rearranged because this week we start off not with Sasha and Chrissy talking about Clay, but with Clay and Mayor G-Thing talking about Chrissy at the beach! Those crazy editors, always keeping me on my toes. Mayor G-Thing wants to know what Clay and Chrissy have decided about their relationship now that she is about to leave for college. Clay shares his plan to visit Chrissy a lot and Mayor G-Thing scoffs, “You’re not going to be boyfriend and girlfriend when she leaves for college, right?” You see, Mayor G-Thing has been anxiously awaiting Chrissy’s departure so that he doesn’t have to be the only loser without a girlfriend anymore. If Clay plans to keep the relationship going, who will Mayor G-Thing have to be superior to? Clay does his embarrassed smile and says that it probably won’t work out, but “we’ll see.” They decide to head out and get something to eat.

"No more girlfriends, brah."

This episode is entitled “Nothing’s Going to Be the Same.” Oh how true, true that is. It’s never the same once the cameras stop rolling.

Geez where did Chrissy find that pioneer skirt?

Ah, here is cookie cutter #1, so cleverly slipped into the #2 slot. Chrissy and Sasha are playing their final tennis match before they each head off to college in different directions. Chrissy is wearing a microscopic tennis skirt and they sit down to discuss what will happen with the Clay situation now that Chrissy is leaving. Chrissy says that she wants to stay together with Clay, but Sasha seems skeptical about the long distance aspect. Chrissy is scared and hopes it will work but right now she’s just feeling it out.

Over at Allie’s house Allie and Fatty decide to cook up some French toast for themselves in honor of their upcoming trip to Europe. I’m a little puzzled because the other girls seem about to move into their dorms in the next couple of days and Allie and Fatty haven’t even left for their trip yet. I’m pretty sure it’s all just sketchy editing, but it’s confusing and making it seem like Allie and Fatty are going to Europe instead of college. Allie is stoked because she is so over the boys of The Harbor and so ready to meet some European guys. You’re on the right track, Allie – European guys are great! She’s especially ready to leave Chase behind. Allie says that Chase will always be her coulda, woulda, shoulda guy who never works out. Oh Allie, your eyes are going to be so opened when you reach a college campus. Chase is so replaceable. You might even meet a guy who has some manners and a brain.

Speaking of Chase, just now he is unlocking the door to his very own apartment that he hasn’t moved into yet. Taylor has come with him to check out the new digs. Apparently Chase had been planning to move up to Santa Monica – I’m guessing Santa Monica College? But instead he has opted to stay in Newport Beach and go to work for a real estate firm. Oh Chase, big mistake. Never forgo college for a girlfriend – or a job. It may seem easier now, but you’ll be really pissed in a few years when guys much younger than you are getting hired on to be your boss because they have degrees. Taylor says she’s happy that Chase will be on his own now instead of with his mommy, but Chase says his mommy will still take care of him and I totally believe it. No way can an 18-year-old afford an apartment in Newport Beach – I don’t care what firm hired him on as an underling. Next Taylor asks if Chase will take her to prom next year since he’ll be around and all, but Chase just scoffs that he is so done with high school parties. He’s a big bad grown-up now, living in an apartment his mom pays for. I bet he’ll rethink that when Taylor is off to dance after dance with other nice looking Newport Harbor boys. Taylor runs her hands over her hair – a habit she can’t seem to break.

"How stoked are you that I'm staying?"

Now we head to Chrissy’s house where Sasha has stopped off on her way out of town, for good. They wonder what it will be like when they come back to town in the future and they don’t think anything will ever be the same, except that they will always be BFF’s. They pinky swear that they will talk every day and then Chrissy pulls out a collage she made of a bunch of pictures of her and Sasha. Aw, what a nice decoration for Sasha’s dorm room. Remember your freshman dorm room and how it was covered from floor to ceiling with pictures of high school? Ah, the days before you realize that life is so much better than high school. The girls can’t stop hugging each other, but finally they tear apart and Sasha gets into her car to drive away… forever.

The next day Clay takes Chrissy for their last cruise around the Harbor in his boat before she moves up to Santa Barbara. This is actually kind of sad. I mean, these two are both really boring and they’re awkward, but you can tell that they will genuinely miss each other. It must suck for them to finally get around to liking each other just to have Chrissy move away to her new big life.

Depressing much?

Clay has a surprise for Chrissy and that is that he turned one of the docks into his own little sweetheart tree and carved their initials into the wood with a heart around it. Hmm, I wonder how long it took the production assistants to carve the heart and then show Clay where it was. Would a 16-year-old guy really do that on his own? I mean in the last hundred years?

Back over at Allie’s house Allie is packing for Europe and non-college-bound Chase rides his skateboard over to bid her a fond farewell. Chase mentions that once Allie gets back she’ll be off to college a week later, so I’m going with my prior theory of out-of-order editing. This must still be mid to late summer here for Allie. Besides just saying goodbye, Chase is also here to collect his prom pictures so Allie brings them out for him. They talk about how prom was okay – sort of. Chase apologizes (for once!) about the way that things turned out with prom. He says he’s sorry for everything that happened and for everything that didn’t happen. Allie just says “Life goes on,” and Chase shrugs.

"Forget you, there are European boys to meet!"

So eloquent, as usual. They hug goodbye and Chase skates away. All I can think about still is how ridiculous Chase is going to seem to Allie when she meets some smart people in college.

Coulda, woulda, but definitely should NOT a.

Ah, Clay and Chrissy are approaching the sweetheart dock. Chrissy asks Clay if he actually did this himself, implying that she has the same suspicions I do about the production assistants and their involvement. Clay just says, “Mm hm.” Yeah, I don’t know about all this. Anyway, they gaze at the little heart and Chrissy gushes about how cute and sweet it is.

I dare you to picture Clay standing in his boat carving this.

They ride around for a while in the boat looking really sad while sad music plays. This is really turning into a tear-jerker. They finally kiss goodbye and Chrissy promises to call Clay when she arrives in Santa Barbara to tell him how it is. He promises to come and visit soon.

It’s time for Allie’s farewell scene with Art and Carolyn. They can’t believe they actually broke down and agreed to pay for Allie’s globetrotting summer, but there you have it – she’s off. They are still really worried about her safety, but most of all Carolyn is so sad because she knows that as soon as Allie gets home, she’ll be leaving again for good. When I moved away to college I was the one who was all sad and sentimental about it. My mom was kind of like, whatever. She didn’t think it was that big of a deal because she knew I’d be back. After college when I moved to Los Angeles, however, my mom did have a scene similar to this one. That time she knew I was off to glorious weather and would never be coming back! Carolyn should rest easy – I’m sure Allie will spend lots of time in Newport Beach before she decides on a permanent residence elsewhere. Anyway Art and Carolyn want to hear from Allie every day and they expect her to honor the agreements they’ve made about this trip. I have to say that these two have ended up being much more involved parents than I ever would have dreamed. Outside Fatty and her dad are waiting to whisk Allie away to the airport. There are more hugs and tears as everyone says goodbye, but above it all you can hear Fatty’s baby voice yelling, “Ciao!” just as obnoxious as ever.

"Allie, try to find a new best friend."

Chrissy is also ready to head out so she spends a bit of quality time with her dog, Bogey saying goodbye. Mommy and Daddy stand beside Chrissy’s car and cry and hug her goodbye. Why aren’t they driving up to Santa Barbara with her? When I first moved to college I was so paralyzed with anxiety that my mom had to do it all for me while I sat on the floor staring. Can’t they make the two hour trip up the coast to help Chrissy settle in? Are these goodbye scenes just for the show? Mommy warns Chrissy not to walk on campus at night without her pepper spray and Daddy says something about crossing the street. Crossing the street? She’s going to college, Daddy, not reverting to toddlerhood. Chrissy’s voice gets softer and fainter as she climbs into the car and backs out of the driveway. Geez, this episode is making me so happy that I’m not just about to start college. That was a traumatic transition that I’m glad is in the past. Newport Harbor, bringing me down!

"Don't drink bleach or touch the hot stove."

Clay has apparently become Huckleberry Finn and is sitting alone on some dock fishing and moping.

"I'm a'gonna ketch me a fish."

To illustrate his sorrow we watch a montage of him and Chrissy and their adventures over the last eight episodes. Just as I’m about to sink permanently into despair from this reverie, Mayor G-Thing pulls up in a boat full of hotties. It looks like he’s about to stage his own little Girls Gone Wild expedition and he wants Clay to climb on board! This is really hilarious – where did all these girls come from? It takes Clay about .2 seconds to break into his clueless grin and jump aboard to sail away with the next generation of Newport Harbor cool kids. So long, Chrissy!

It's the Season 2 Party Boat!

At the airport Allie and Fatty bust out the video camera to begin documentation of Europe 2007. They look into the camera and bid farewell to Newport Harbor, first in English and then in other languages, just to show that they’re off on an international journey. When Allie asks how you say goodbye in French, Fatty says “Konnichiwa,” which is not only Japanese, but also hello. Nice try, Fatty. Oh well, I guess Japanese is more bootylicious anyway.

"We're edu-ma-cated."

To wrap things up, Chase puts on a tie and heads in to work, Clay sits back and gets comfortable on Mayor G-Thing’s Voyage of Fun, and guess who is also along for the ride – Taylor! Chrissy continues her drive up the coast and when her phone rings you can tell she hopes it’s Clay, but she picks it up to see Daddy in the caller ID, so she closes the phone and puts it away. Someone’s a big girl now! And big girls don’t cry. Even when their boyfriends are being sucked into a lair of debauchery by Mayor G-Thing.

And so we depart from our young friends of Newport Harbor. I wish them all well in their upcoming journeys. Clay and G-Thing, if you guys get a shot at a second season, don’t blow it. Try a love triangle – those are always popular. And Chrissy, remember what I said about your potential spin-off. If you sell your soul early, you may even get to launch your own product line! Thanks for the entertainment guys! See you around the Harbor.

Now beloved readers, please do share what you thought of this series. Any predictions on a second season? Spin-off? Who would you like to see more of? Anyone?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta