The Tension Mounts for The Bachelor

"I can't do this without Chad!"

Okay, before I start my weekly shredding session of The Bachelor, I have to take a moment and share my thoughts on Brad. As several of you have pointed out, he is much more tolerable than past Bachelors. Brad doesn’t seem overly full of himself or just out to pat himself on the back. I mean, Prince Pet Beautician was a complete joke – he was a total dork and rode that prince thing right into the ground. Besides the title, he had nothing going on for himself, and the title was bogus. Officer Mayo was one of the most narcissistic jerks I’ve ever seen, creating date after date to figure out which girl could most mold herself into a female version of him and totally snap into a carved out space in his life. He was not at all interested in meeting a unique individual. Brad is a different story. He genuinely seems interested in learning about these girls and choosing one who will add to his life. He has a sense of humor about the process and seems to have a head on his shoulders about choosing someone who will actually be a complement to him, as opposed to someone way out of his league. Now, I don’t really think Brad is anything special. He’s a nice, good-looking, moderately intelligent guy from a modest family. He’s not super interesting, super smart, super funny, or super dooper. He’s just Brad and maybe that’s his appeal. The problem is, of course, that Brad is on The Bachelor. Why? Why can’t he find a girl in real life and why does he think that coming on a game show is a good alternative? Remember, he’s already decided he’s proposing. That’s why there can never be an honestly loveable Bachelor. He’ll always negate himself. And thank goodness, or else what would I write about? And now on with the show!

We’re back in the living room with Chris Harrison ‘splaining some stuff. This week there are three dates – one special single date, a group date, and a two-on-one date from whence only one girl will return. Roses will be up for grabs on each date. Again, they will find out who goes where as the Date Boxes arrive and Chris was nice enough to bring the first one with him. He leaves saying he will see some of them at the Rose Ceremony. Ouch. Jade runs up to the date box and pulls out a card with one lone name on it… Perky Jenni. Jade’s pissed. Jenni screams and cheers for herself. Then she runs to the middle of the room and does a Herkie while everyone else, including me, pukes. She tells us that she’s waited her whole life for this date – that’s interesting – and then she rips open the Date Box with her teeth. When a tiny plastic helicopter is discovered inside the Date Box, you can guess what happens. I need my eardrums examined. Sheena wonders if Jenni is really interested in Brad, or just interested in winning this competition. I think she’s mostly interested in being annoying.

Later the girls run out onto the patio to scream at the top of their lungs and be pelted with debris as Brad lands in a real helicopter.

Look out for the flying cue cards!

When he emerges he and Perky Jenni have a public reunion that makes it look like he just returned from two years in Bagdad. This makes the other girls extremely nervous and, consequently, extremely irritated with Jenni. Jenni climbs onto the helicopter and immediately launches into her grating guffaws of laughter. Hillary is almost in tears and the girls sit around discussing how they feel like they are being cheated on. Welcome to The Bachelor, ladies. What did you think was going to happen? You’d sing and America would vote?

Meanwhile in the helicopter Jenni and Brad are admiring downtown L.A.’s unique architecture (what?) and Jenni is draping herself all over Brad, saying how this is the most exciting thing she’s ever done. She’s really laying it on thick. The helicopter lands on top of a building where there is a little table set up for them with food, drinks, and a lovely view of my city. You’re welcome, Brad and Jenni. Brad tells her that he has been looking forward to spending this alone time with her. Wow, he is really taken with this Phoenix Suns dancer. Imagine what would happen if he met a Dallas Cowgirl. Jenni just sits there with her face-busting smile and hitching up her strapless dress. They continue babbling at each other, going over conversations they’ve already had and yadda, yadda, yadda. Jenni’s voice is making me twitch.

At home the rest of the girls are sitting around trying to have a conversation. DeAnna asks who the girls think will be going on the two-on-one date and Stephy acts exasperated, says she doesn’t know, and could she please not be asked. Well! Okay, Stephy doesn’t want to talk. McBossy goes into a lecture about how the girls need to answer the question because there is no right or wrong answer. Here is what I gather. DeAnna and McBossy are always trying to get the girls into discussions involving speculation as to what is going to happen next with the whole process and the other girls don’t like it because they think DeAnna and McBossy are mean. Not that they won’t address certain topics, but just that they don’t really want to talk to those two particular girls. I totally get this with regards to McBossy, but as I said last week, I quite like DeAnna. I like her better than the girls who won’t talk to her. Let’s see what happens next. Ah hah! It’s Jade’s explosion that we’ve seen on all the previews. Too bad the producers already shot their wad on this one starting with last week’s previews because now it’s really anticlimactic. She starts trying to explain that she’s not here to have a discussion and both DeAnna and McBossy interrupt her and she totally flips her lid. There are f-bombs galore as we hear beep after beep and her mouth is all blurred out. She’s really mad that they’ll never let her answer a question without being interrupted, so DeAnna says, “The floor is yours.” But nope. Jade has had her tantrum and she’s done now. She has other things to do, like sift through people’s luggage and tattle-tell to Brad. Well, if anyone ever questioned whether or not Princess Jade was a lady, there you have it.

Jade opens her pie hole.

Oh brother, we’re back to Jenni’s annoying laugh on the rooftop. They talk a little nonsense and then start making out. Wow, it looks like Jenni has this whole competition in the bag. While the other hags are at home hen-pecking each other, she’s on top of the world making out with The Bachelor.

Another Date Box arrives to interrupt the tantrum throwing contest. It’s for the group date and here’s who’s going: Sheena, McBossy, Psycho Hillary, Divorced Bettina, Kristy and Stephy. So of course the important information here is that Jade and DeAnna will be going on the two-on-one. There are mind-numbing screams as the girls pull out a feather boa and a mask and Sheena reads the note: “There’s nothing sexier than a woman’s laugh. Come show me yours.” DeAnna says she’s not intimidated by Jade and Jade says she’s really worried and hopes that Brad will see what a terrible person DeAnna is. Why don’t you worry about whether or not he likes you, Jade? All you’ve done so far is try to rat out other girls. Not attractive.

Much to my dismay, we have to revisit the rooftop giggle fest. Brad mentions that there is a rose over yonder and Jenni acts all surprised – as if she hadn’t thought of that at all or just threatened to the camera to throw herself off of the building if she didn’t get it. They start saying silly things, like the rose is lonely and Jenni will be its best friend. Ugh, are they drunk? That is so dumb. When he brings her the rose she tells him that she has saved every rose he’s given her and he is absolutely amazed. He tells her she’s too good to be true. Oh Brad, get a grip. They all save the roses you’ve given them – they’re girls! That’s what girls do. This is equivalent to thinking Jenni is too good to be true because she brushes her hair. He asks if she’ll accept the rose and she says all soft and whispery, “With all my heart,” then practically shoves the rose up her nose. This is too much for Brad, who grabs her for some more make out. This little scene is making Jenni seem really fake to me. Had enough? Good, me too.

"Oh, I love my new best friend!"

The next day Brad comes to fetch the girls for the group date. Jenni has to claim her hug before turning him over to the others. I’m surprised she’s not waiting for him at the door holding her bouquet of dead roses.

It’s important to be inconspicuous, so Brad takes the girls on their date in a huge red double-decker bus like the kind you would ride in to tour London. Random. The girls stand on top of the bus and wave because they haven’t embarrassed themselves enough yet. Brad says he doesn’t want to “wind up” with anybody who is shy and reserved, so he’s making them put on a show. Brad, they’re already on your show, so they can’t be that shy or reserved, but let’s do this anyway. They head over to Comedy Sportz (I thought it was The Groundlings in the preview – my bad) and find out that they will be playing some improv games – performance style. Kristy says she wants to cry, so maybe she’s too reserved for Brad. The improv teachers tell them that if they feel stupid they’re doing it right. This actually looks like it would be a lot of fun if you could stop worrying about being pretty for two seconds and just be silly. But we did see Kristy’s idea of being silly last week, and it was pretty lame.

So the following scene is the girls going through some exercises that could either be really embarrassing or really funny, depending on their attitude. Like using a series of objects for something other than their intended use, and then begging for a rose like they are dogs – okay that one’s kind of degrading.

And some women don't mind degrading.

Kristy chooses to be painfully embarrassed about everything, and Hillary just dives right in. I really like Bettina here because she says she feels stupid, but she just lets go and has fun anyway. See? She survives. What I don’t get is that Brad is off to the side hitting a cow bell with a drum stick every time the girls do a joke. Does that mean he approves? Whatever. They do a fake dating show where each girl wears an outfit representing a silly character, so Hillary is a cheerleader and she says, “You’re so hot you make my pom-poms sweat.” We saw this a thousand times on every preview, but Hillary is really proud of herself. Kristy is a cowgirl and all she does is say she feels stupid and wants to cry. She pulls Brad aside and starts crying, saying she’s worried he won’t think she’s fun. Well, you’re not fun, Kristy, and you spent this entire date proving it. And sobbing that you really are fun doesn’t make you fun.

Sitting around a table covered in margaritas, Brad makes a speech saying that there was one girl who was more intimidated than the others but made the most of the situation anyway. Kristy gets all excited. No Kristy, pouting and crying isn’t how you make the most of a situation. Bettina gets the rose. I agree, good for her! Bettina says she is happy because Brad likes her and she can picture them having a great life together. I would more picture them having a ho-hum life together, but that’s just me. You can tell Hillary is mad because she knows she was the most obnoxious performer and thinks that should have earned her the rose. Too bad, psycho.

"But I panted like a dog..."

At home the two-on-one date box arrives and Jenni stands up to dramatically read the card to Jade and DeAnna. She looks at it, acts horrified, and then reads, “Tonight there’s just one rose. One stays, one goes.” All three girls are shocked into silence. Um, hello? Chris Harrison told you this would happen – this isn’t a surprise. Haven’t you ever seen the show? You all knew this, come on. They quietly open the date box to reveal a miniature barbecue set. Mmm, hot dogs.

Later both girls are all packed and ready to be kicked to the curb. Jade says she’s counting on Brad realizing that DeAnna is fake and DeAnna says she’s way more mature than Jade and hopes Brad sees it. Those are both stupid strategies, but I’m still rooting for DeAnna.

Stand off!

They end up on a rooftop somewhere for their barbecue. Brad says he’s been missing having a special someone and that’s why he’s here. Oh, that’s why he’s here? I thought he wanted to be America’s Next Top Model. Can either girl see herself moving to Austin? Porta-wife question! I knew it! Of course they would both be happy to move and now the Martyr Olympics begin:

J: I’d be more than willing to move somewhere.
D: I would love to move.

J: I packed up all my stuff and moved to Canada.
D: When I was 18 I graduated high school and moved away to Nashville.

J: As soon as I turned 16 I started working.
D: I started working at 14.

J: I went to Paris.
D: I built the Eiffel Tower.

J: I’ve seen paradise.
D: I have season tickets.

Alright, they were both orphaned at birth and had to raise themselves with nothing but a battery and a Swiss Army Knife, and that will make them great wives, we get it. Alone time! Jade is first and she and Brad just sit and discuss whether Jade is outgoing or reserved. Who cares? That’s what the improv date was for.

Back home McBossy has started another round of discussion questions that the girls have to answer at gunpoint and she asks what they think of possibly getting engaged within six weeks. Hillary says, “Bring it. I’m ready. If he asked me today, I’d be like, ‘yes.’” Jenni goes, “I would have said, ‘Oh my god, yes.’” These girls are clueless and much to my delight and surprise Bettina pipes up as the voice of reason! “Do you guys understand what marriage is? I mean you have no idea what goes into that kind of relationship.” Bravo, Bettina! It is so delusional to think that you can spend a cumulative total of less than a week with someone and think you can determine that they can be your spouse. Bettina is right on to point this out, but I have a couple of things of my own to point out as well. First, Bettina only knows this because she did rush into a marriage already, so if she were in the same life stage as the other girls, she’d be saying the same thing they are. It would be refreshing to meet a girl on this show who realizes how complicated marriage is without already being divorced. Secondly, Brad announced that he is planning to propose, so clearly he doesn’t care and has no clue about what goes into deciding to marry someone either. If Bettina were to make it to the end and receive a proposal, she should be highly alarmed. I wonder if she would be.

"Let me tell you all a little something about marriage."

Anyway, Bettina admits she’s already been married and that it’s ridiculous to think that you can create an entire life together with someone you’ve just met. Hillary says if it’s right, it’s right and now days people just give up too easily. Oh Hillary, shut up. You can’t know it’s right after three dates. All you can know is that you are up for date number four. Hillary continues showcasing how naïve she is by saying that if she were Brad she wouldn’t want to date someone who is divorced because it’s like buying a used car. You’re going to eat those words someday Hillary when you are divorced and looking for husbands number two, three and four. You should keep your mouth shut.

DeAnna is now having her alone time with Brad and she tells him that she really wants to stay because she feels a connection with him and would like the chance to fall in love. So much more effective than trying to decide whether or not you’re outgoing. It’s time for Brad to hand it over, so he picks up the rose and comes over to a table where both girls are waiting. He makes a speech about having a true connection and gives the rose to DeAnna. Buh-bye, Jade! Brad walks her down and gives her the typical consolation speech about her being a wonderful person, blah, blah, blah. Jade just cries and tells Brad he’s amazing. At home the girls are wondering when the “suitcase guy” will show up and just then he walks in and picks up Jade’s crap. They stand around dumbfounded, which is really what they’re best at. In the limo Jade says that she became consumed by her conflict with DD instead of what she should have been saying to Brad. Bingo. She says that DD doesn’t deserve her happy ending and then we cut to Brad and DeAnna playing tonsil hockey in the hot tub. Sheesh! This is a steamier make out session than any of Jenni’s. There’s even porno music playing and it’s kind of gross.

Enough already.

At last the dates are over and it’s time for the Pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party. DeAnna has copped an attitude and tells the other girls she feels like they think they have her boyfriend. She tells us that she’s annoyed tonight and knows the other girls won’t like her later when she and Brad are getting married. Or breaking up on TMZ.com. Ha ha! Brad makes his entrance and when no one screams he asks why they aren’t excited. Fine, everybody scream!

Kristy takes Brad aside and reiterates how uncomfortable she was on the group date and Brad tells her that his impression is that she is a lady and in fact, she may be too refined for him. Uh oh, Kristy. Your days are numbered. I was discussing this with a girlfriend and we were wondering why, if a guy meets a girl that he likes, but feels she is more refined than he is, wouldn’t he try to refine himself a little? Isn’t it good to be with someone who makes you want to be better? In this situation, I think Brad is more looking for excuses to dismiss people than reasons to keep them, so I’m not sure how much more of Kristy we’ll be seeing. Plus, Brad may be using “refined” as code for “boring,” so we’ll see.

Brad sits down with Sheena and tells her that she was a big hit with Chad. Sheena says that it was a huge deal for her to meet Brad’s best friend and confidante and then she starts crying again and saying this is so real for her. This is another hilarious part of The Bachelor. Guys usually spend their entire lives trying to avoid dealing with crying women, and then when they come on The Bachelor to be a pimp, they mostly sit around wiping tears away. Backfire!

Kristy, Bettina, DeAnna and McBossy sit down with Brad and ask him who his first kiss here was. He better not even think about dodging the question with McBossy around. The way they ask is lame, with each of them saying one word to form the whole question. It even takes Brad a second to piece it together, but then he admits it was Jenni and these four practically sink into despair. Bettina is irritated because Jenni acts like this is just a competition for her. She calls Jenni and slut for kissing Brad and a liar for not telling everyone about it. LOL, Bettina. McBossy should feel really stupid because she tried to kiss Brad before the Jenni kiss, but it was a humorous debacle.

Jenni hides behind her new best friend.

Jenni comes over to join the girls and they begin the Spanish Inquisition. They ask who kissed whom, and she tells them he kissed her. Hillary says that as long as she is the last one who kissed him, she’s fine with that. Wrong again, Hillary! Last night Brad had some pretty hot and heavy Jacuzzi tongue time with DeAnna. DeAnna wants to know if Jenni thought that Jade would be the one Brad chose on the two-on-one date. Jenni says that she thought Brad would like DeAnna better, so she hoped Jade would be the one to come back. Of course the girls pounce all over this as evidence that Jenni is viewing this as a game and doesn’t really care about Brad’s happiness. Jenni gets mad and leaves. Bettina says that Jenni is treating this like a cheerleading competition. LOL again, Bettina.

While the other girls get up in arms about Jenni not respecting Brad as the sacred relic he is, our poor Bachelor victim is sitting down for some kissy time with the villain herself. Please. Brad has the wherewithal to see what’s going on if he chooses. And if he doesn’t choose, then he deserves what he gets anyway.

McBossy sits Brad down for a sob session of her own and tells him that she’s had her guard up because she’s had her heart broken in the past. But McBossy, I thought you were so confident that you didn’t even need a rose. She tells Brad she doesn’t want to have to compete for him and I am seeing this as her ticket out of there. She doesn’t want to share him and boo, hoo hoo. Later, McBossy.

Confidence personified

Of course Brad says he has no idea who will get roses tonight and along comes Chris tapping his champagne glass. Let’s do this! Brad comes out and says he’s happy to be getting closer to finding what he’s looking for – a wife. We’re overjoyed for you, Brad, now who gets roses? Kristy, Sheena… Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. Psycho Hillary! Stephy and McBossy are out of here!

Will never find true love.

Stephy says she knows she has a wall around her heart and Brad wasn’t the guy to break it down. She came on the show because other ways of finding men weren’t working out for her. Interesting that she thought this would. McBossy says that she could see Brad being the father of her children or her husband. Not both, McBossy? She just cries and cries. I’m so over her.

Brad toasts the remainders to following their hearts and falling in love. And I’d like to add to that a very public break up. Wahahahaha!

Next week is a week of seconds. Kristy refuses to have fun again, Sheena becomes the second bachelorette to fall down the stairs, and Hillary has nervous breakdown number two. Can’t wait!

So what do you think? Your comments honestly make my day, so don’t be shy about dropping me a line.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta