Sunday, November 11, 2007

The Bachelor Makes a Triple Play

The seduced.

Hello my beloved readers! I owe you all a grand apology which I am prepared to give right now for being so late on this installment of my thoughts on The Bachelor. I moved this week and if you’ve ever moved, you know the torturous ordeal I have just been through and know that I feel terrible enough before I even start in on myself with the guilt for my tardiness. The good news is it’s over now and I won’t ever be this late again! You shall not wait long for my thoughts on the Women Tell All! Thanks for sticking with me. And now for the Fantasy Overnight Dates.

It looks like this time around on season 11 the producers have decided to pinch their pennies. We already knew this because of all the Southwest flights, but now it also looks like all three girls are going on the same fantasy overnight date. Usually each of the lucky three finalists gets her very own destination date, but tonight everyone is going to Cabo San Lucas and everyone is going to like it. Last season the three finalists all went to Huh-Why, but that is where Mayo lived, so it kind of added up. This time I call cheapskate!

Brad is waiting around near a tank of dolphins for Jenni to arrive. He remembers that she got the First Impression Rose, she was his first kiss, and that he has just loved every minute he has spent with her. The woman herself arrives wearing a tiny little red dress. They are sooooo excited to see each other, how precious, and then Brad tells her they are going to go swimming with dolphins. Jenni pulls a Tyra Banks and tells us she’s scared of dolphins, which is just so absurd. Dolphins? What, because they’re so vicious? Yes, that’s why The Discovery Channel has all those specials about When Dolphins Attack. It’s like being afraid of de-clawed kittens. I would actually be more afraid that the water is dirty than of the dolphins. Anyway, she puts on a big brave face (for the dolphins!) and hops in. By the way, Jenni, I’m not sure if wearing leopard skin bikini bottoms is the way to avoid getting eaten by a fearsome sea creature. The dolphin is adorable, putting her nose up to their faces for a kiss and “dancing” with them by swaying back and forth in the water – Jenni dances every day! They even get to hang on to her back and go for a little ride. Jenni eventually overcomes her crippling fear and has a nice time.

The ferocious beast tries to eat Jenni's bikini.

Brad tells us that he and Jenni are super attracted to one another, but a real relationship requires more than that and he’s got to ask her some tough questions to find out what she’s really thinking. He starts with asking her what she wants to have happen and she immediately starts stumbling all over herself, trying to figure out what to say. It’s hard for her to express her feelings and all that. She doesn’t want to put her heart out there and then be disappointed – the age-old Bachelor dilemma. Brad tells her that if the roles were reversed he would tell her his feelings, just to get it off his chest. Nice manipulating there, Brad. Jenni is still hesitant and Brad is frustrated.

Later they meet up again for dinner and when Jenni gets out of her limo they hug and tell each other how beautiful they are. Oh gag, let’s get back to those “important” questions, shall we? They sit down at a table with a bizarre tablecloth that has big red animal shapes all over it and Brad toasts to being so happy that someone as special as Jenni has come into his life.

"Can you believe how hot we are?"

Jenni tells us that she’s realizing this is real and now is the time to tell him how she’s feeling. Here goes! She sits there bouncing in her chair and says that she has very strong feelings, but she’d rather show him than tell him. Sweet! Will she show him… with a dance? Nope, they both just sit there giggling and then Jenni demands her Fantasy Suite Card. Aw, what happened to the good old romantic days when the girls were actually surprised by the Fantasy Suite Card? I guess they ended after season 1. They’re both getting pretty tipsy because they start joking about Brad having something in his pocket (the Fantasy Suite Card) or maybe he’s just happy to see Jenni. Ha ha ha, oh that was so clever! Wait, no. That was not. Pretty soon Brad tells her to grab it and I can see this taking an X-rated turn, and that is just not something I am willing to entertain. When she does finally grab it, they just throw the card on the ground without opening it and then laugh hysterically, then they get up to leave. Have another one, guys!

They enter the Fantasy Suite, which is about to burn to the ground from the ten thousand candles that are lit all over the place and they immediately lie down on the bed to “chat.” Jenni thanks Brad for being the man she dreams about and I throw up. They gaze into each other’s eyes as an acoustic guitar kicks in and they start making out. Brad gets up and shuts the door on us so that they can be left alone to have inebriated sex. Lucky! Thank you, Chris Harrison, for cutting in with your previews to spare me this scene.

The next morning Brad is exhausted and hung over, but he pulls himself together to go and meet Bettina on a dock somewhere. These two are always having maritime dates. They climb onto a boat that was actually a participant in the America’s Cup Race! Holy crap, that is amazing! They are so privileged! Bettina’s like, “Wow… what’s the America’s Cup Race?” Okay, she only said, “wow,” but you know she’s clueless. Brad tells us that today he is looking for the true woman in Bettina. Okay then, Brad, let’s find out – and not just talk about her looks. They get to help sail the boat with the crew and Bettina keeps telling us how hot Brad is and how into him she is. Again with these two and their marriage priorities. Hot and hotter. Speaking of which, they both strip down to their skivvies and dive in to the water to swim to the beach for some private time. They wander around on the beach holding hands, but nothing happens. These two are really a snoozefest. I miss Bettina’s family and their drama-causing ways.

Later on the way to dinner, Bettina is looking a bit chubby in her little dress. Yeah, right! This girl is about to break in half!

Something to eat, Bettina?

Brad tells us – again – how hot Bettina is, but he’s wondering if there is substance beneath the smoking hotness. Imagine that notion. Bettina brings up her scandalous hometown date and tells Brad that her family’s only concern was whether or not Brad was into Bettina. Buzz! WRONG! They had plenty of concerns, and I don’t remember anyone asking even once if Brad was into Bettina. In fact, as I recall, the family had pretty much decided that Brad was a no-good dirtbag for having no college education and owning a bunch of bars. Sorry Bettina, but it’s on film. Maybe you can distract Brad long enough to bed him, but no one is going to permanently forget the Grand Hometown Debacle. Anyway, Brad says he tried to show her family that he was into her, but he left feeling doubted. I don’t think that’s all he felt, but whatever, it’s time to get some! They giggle about Bettina’s family being sad if she moves to Austin, which I don’t get because she’d actually be closer than she is now in Hermosa Beach. Bettina tells him that she’d have no problem moving to Austin and Brad tells us privately that the dinner conversation was heavy and he’s hoping to see Bettina relax if they can get in a less formal atmosphere – aka, in bed.

He pulls out the Fantasy Suite Card and this is looking nothing like the pre-porn he had with Jenni over the card. This is all stiff and awkward, but of course, Bettina wants to go. Again, they have millions of candles, but this time things move to the hot tub first, instead of the bedroom.

"Show me the real you, Bettina."

Bettina chubs out again in her bikini and she whisper-tells Brad that the more she gets to know him the more attracted to him she is. Hot and hotter again. Needless to say, Brad feels the same. They start kissing – this is actually their first kiss – and I’m going to go ahead and call this what it is: one big booty call. This is nothing but hormones and these two don’t care about anything else. Bettina tells us she’s falling for Brad and it’s the best feeling in the world, but I still think all she’s feeling is lust. That’s my two cents. We leave them making out in the hot tub ready to tear each other’s bathing suits off. Goody for them.

Even more exhausted and hung over, Brad meets up with DeAnna the next morning on a dirt racetrack with a couple of racecars. Brad tells us that to be fair he is going to concentrate on one woman at a time. In fact, that’s why he came on The Bachelor, to concentrate on one woman at a time. He grabs DeAnna, hugs her, and asks her if she wants to race. They hop into the cars and set off around the track, with DeAnna kicking Brad’s butt the entire time.

"You realize I just let you win, right?"

Brad tells us that he’s excited for dinner and the rest of the night with DeAnna, and that he’s waited for this day since the very first time he met her. Uh, Brad? That’s word for word what you told Jenni. Any other thoughts on the matter? At this point I do have to say that I respect DeAnna the most out of these three girls. Yeah, she has shown some personality problems, but she still seems like the smartest and most put-together of the three. In all honesty, I can’t say I’m jumping out of my seat for any of them, but let’s press on.

As they sit down to dinner, DeAnna tells us that she’s excited to spend the night with Brad because that is what you do in a normal relationship – especially after he’s just spent the night with two other girls! So romantic. DeAnna tells Brad that she “knew” about him from the second she got here. She says she never thought that she could fall in love this fast, but she knew that Brad had her heart as he was pulling out of her parents’ driveway. Brad is mentally high-fiving himself because this is shaping up to be the third great night in a row. DeAnna continues to spill her guts and Brad is just like, “You really mean that?” and she confirms that she does. They kiss and DeAnna keeps playing with her hair. Brad tells her that she is perfect, today was perfect, tonight is perfect, and here is a special card for you. After reading the card DeAnna says she’d love to spend the night with him and Brad says, “Just you and I?” No, Brad. Let’s invite Bettina and Jenni to come along as well. Let’s make it a slumber party!

As Brad and DeAnna reach the Fantasy Suite, I have to admit that it looks like at least the producers got different rooms for each girl. DeAnna’s looks the coolest, with its own tiny outdoor pool. Still a million candles everywhere.

DeAnna wins again.

They jump into the pool and start making out while Brad tells us that he doesn’t look at DeAnna as an object, he looks at her as a soul mate. Yeah sure. We’ll see about that at the Final Rose Ceremony. You may have a lot of explaining that you’ll never do. DeAnna reiterates to us once again that this all feels right and she knows it in her gut. Nighty, night, love birds!

The next day is all cloudy and Brad tells us that is highly appropriate because he is feeling a bit tumultuous himself. Oh Brad, that’s just beautiful imagery. What else? Well, he’s wearing the Saturday Night Fever outfit, so maybe he’ll do a little disco dance for us before presenting the roses.

"I wanna strut!"

The girls are all lined up waiting to hear what Brad has to say and Bettina is wearing some sort of pinafore. Brad gives a speech about dreading this rose ceremony and having to say goodbye to someone he really cares about. The girls all look like they’re about to vomit.

The first rose goes to… Jenni and she promptly shoves it up her nose. Brad is twitching like he has epilepsy. The second and final rose goes to… DeAnna! I knew it! You knew it! We all knew it! Bettina is out of here. Brad walks her over to a bench to try and ease the blow. He tells her that this decision is going to haunt him and it took him all day long to make it. He assures her that his feelings are real and Bettina, of course, wants to know why. Brad tells her that he’s not sure he knows who she really is. Bettina is actually very classy and says that if he has a strong connection with the other women, then obviously they aren’t right for each other. Brad says he’s very sorry and walks her over to the limo. He tells us that he feels like he’s had to work to hard to find out who Bettina is and she’s still a complete mystery. Oh Brad, I doubt that. There isn’t that much there to find out, really. She’s just boring. You could look forever and not find out any more because there isn’t any more.

Body language of the rejected.

In her ride of shame Bettina tells us that she is completely shocked because she was actually falling in love with Brad. She says it must be unbelievably amazing with the other girls if it is better than her relationship with Brad. That’s kind of funny because her relationship with Brad looked so dull. I notice here that Bettina hasn’t shed one tear. Love indeed. She says she can’t even imagine putting herself out there again because this time she just fell in love by herself. Oh! Is that the beginning of a tear I see?

Brad tells Jenni and DeAnna that he is the luckiest guy on earth and that he “really appreciates” them giving him their hearts. He actually says that. He appreciates it. Wow, that’s comforting. You may get rejected in the worst way possible, but Brad really appreciates it. Thanks, ladies.

Next week is the Women Tell All! Can’t wait!

So who will it be? I really can’t tell. I think he’s more into Jenni, but is torn because DeAnna seems like the more realistic, practical decision. Well, as Chris Harrison says, we’ll find out at the amazing conclusion of this dramatic love story when Brad follows his heart. Ha ha ha!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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