The Bachelor: Stakes are High, Talent is Low

The girls discover that someone is here for the "wrong" reasons.

Welcome back to The Bachelor! I’m so happy to have you guys with me again! Thank you so much for all of your comments last week. I love having my cohorts along for the ride. This week the girls are really starting to show their personalities, and that’s never a good thing. We have an L.A. fashion show, a Vegas casino night, and lots of embarrassing moments. Join me, won’t you?

We start bright and early the morning after the first shameful display with Chris Harrison explaining to our Fortunate Fifteen that this week there will be two group dates with the British Bachelor. Hmm, I guess no single date for First Impression Amanda and her hiccups. There will be one rose up for grabs on each group date. How will they know who goes on which date? Thank you for asking – they will know when the Date Boxes arrive! Oh look, one has already arrived and it is a leopard print Kaboodle. Screaming and clapping ensue as Holly steps up to the Kaboodle to read the special note that Matt labored over. Here’s who is going: Leelee Sobiesky, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H., and Holly. The card says “Come runway with me. –Matt.” Aw, that’s special. Marshana screams that they’re going to a fashion show. Oh great, that’s just what I want to do with a guy I’m trying to impress – go stare at a bunch of models.

Date #1 - Runway Girls

Matt rides in a limo with the Runway Girls over to Smashbox Studios. Hooray for Smashbox! I love their eye shadow more than life. Of course, each girl has been provided with plenty of champagne in order to be her most charming self. As they enter the studio Matt announces that the girls are not actually going to watch a fashion show, they are going to be the fashion show. I’m trying to figure out if that is actually better than watching real models with a guy. It’s hard to say. I’m beginning to see why they are giving the girls all this liquid courage. Marshana is naturally thrilled because she, as you know, was Miss Earth New York! This will all be old hat to her – strutting around being judged on her looks. Wait, I think I just summed up the entire female experience.

Matt waits out in the studio for what must be hours as the girls get their hair all teased up and their faces painted, then assigned individual skimpy outfits. I’m amazed he still cares by the time they finally get the show on the road (or runway), but he tells us privately that he will not be bestowing the rose based on who is the best model, but on who really “goes for it.” Fair enough, let’s see how they do. Aw, Matt’s really sweet standing at the end of the runway clapping and encouraging each girl. It looks like ABC has rounded up a bunch of production assistants to stand behind Matt with cameras to make the girls feel like they are in a real show instead of just Matt’s playground. I wonder if there’s any film in those cameras. Kristine tells us she’d personally rather jump out of an airplane than walk down a catwalk. Holly decides to make her performance memorable by moon walking down the runway. I don’t think it was a perfectly executed moon walk, but nice effort. Then she tells us that if the other girls aren’t careful she may just moon walk away with Matt’s heart. Oh boy.

Wow, they let Michael Jackson on The Bachelor?

I’m pretty sure Leelee’s walk has been edited because on all the previews we hear her doing an Austen Powers, “Do I make you horny baby?” And Matt responding in the affirmative, but here we just see her strutting around and sticking out her tongue. Boo for inconsistent teases, ABC. Amanda decides to make a splash by removing her top and modeling the gold bikini underneath. It’s not exactly Princess Leia, but at least it was memorable.

"Help me, gold bikini. You're my only hope."

After the show Matt tells everyone how blown away he is and now they’re going to change clothes and continue the fun elsewhere.

And elsewhere turns out to be the penthouse suite at some hotel in Hollywood. It looks like we’re moving on to the hard liquor now so that we can see just how much these girls really want their faces on TV. Oops, I mean the chance to win true love. Marshana is first to snatch Matt away for one-on-one time and she sits him down to find out his views on interracial dating. Matt is flabbergasted to learn that Marshana is of a different race than himself. He never even noticed! Uh huh. Matt says that these things are different in the UK, which is probably true, and Marshana is so grateful to hear this that she almost falls to pieces. She says that she could care less about race, and Matt says he picked her because she’s beautiful and has an “aura.”

"Praise be to my beautiful aura!"

Next up is redhead Michelle, who pulls Matt over for a chat. Apparently playing her wet vibrating clarinet last week wasn’t enough because now she has followed in Leelee’s footsteps and written Matt an original song. AND she sings it. Here are the words:

I want to find you
I want you to find me
I want to touch you
I want you to touch me
And I wanna feel you
I want you to feel me
I want to find you
In front of me

Okay! That was the most awkward moment so far. Matt just sits there looking at her while she grasps his hand and sings as if in some sort of a trance.

Please don't do it, Michelle.

"This would never happen in London."

The other girls are three feet away watching and trying not to freak out. I mean, seriously. What would YOU do? I once had a guy play his guitar and sing to me and maybe this makes me the odd female out, but I was ready to come out of my skin it was so uncomfortable. I would look at him, then at the ceiling, then at the floor, and he just kept going – song after song. My mom told me I should have joined in, but I would have rather died. Is there something wrong with me?

Anyway! Back at Pathetic Mansion the leftover girls are receiving Date Box #2 and it arrives in the form of one of those big metal suitcases, like the kind a gun would be in. Turns out there’s some cash in there that they scatter around and then Erin S. reads the card. “Take a gamble on love and show me the city of sin.” Scream! Jump around the room! Drink your champagne! Vegas baby!

Over in Hollywood, Leelee Sobiesky cleverly takes Matt into the bedroom portion of the penthouse. She asks if he’s into her and Matt tells her that yes he is, and she was one of the top two on the catwalk. Of course, all Leelee wants to know is why not top one? She gushes all over Matt telling him how wonderful he is and then tells him she’s been staring at his lips all day. Now, if I learned anything from Mystery and his Pick Up Artist show it’s that the way to get someone to kiss you is to say, “I am trying so hard not to kiss you right now.” Try it! It totally works. Anyway, Matt bites on Leelee’s line, tells her she has beautiful lips and gives her a small kiss. Of course, the soft music plays like this is so tender. Leelee thinks she’s just been crowned Princess of the World. She’s almost right, too, because Matt immediately jumps up and goes out to fetch her the rose for this date. When he offers it to her she wants to know why and he tells her they have a connection, to which she giggles insanely. Matt then takes her back out to the other girls and begins to thank them all for a wonderful date when Leelee cuts him off, yelling, “It’s mine!” and dancing around with the rose. Matt looks at her then tries to explain to the others that it sucks to only have one rose to give out and Leelee interrupts again, saying, “No it doesn’t!” Oh my gosh Matt, are you happy now? Look what you’ve done. He tells us privately that he gave Leelee the rose for being the most forward. See how quickly forward becomes obnoxious?

"I win! I am the winner! The winner is... me!"

Later at home, Leelee is still waving her rose around in everyone’s face and no one is very pleased about it. Marshana decides to “speak on it” because she is not liking this at all. Basically the girls drill Leelee about whether or not she kissed Matt and she does giddy little somersaults on the bed saying that Matt kissed her and not the other way around. Ugh, put a cork in it Leelee.

Date #2 - Vegas Girls

And it’s on to the second date! Matt is of course highly excited to be going to Vegas because all foreigners who visit the U.S. have to witness the spectacle for themselves. He takes the girls to the Paris hotel to gamble and see what’s really going on here. Shayne butts in and tells us that even if you’ve been to Vegas a thousand times like she has, your energy level still shoots up when you arrive. Thank you, Shayne. Matt gives each girl a thousand dollar chip and tells them that whoever has the most money at the end of 30 minutes wins a half hour alone with him. Do I smell Special Quality Time? Some of the girls play Blackjack and some play Roulette, but Carri tells us that what she’s really gambling with is her heart. Barf. Robin starts pouting because she never gambles and she’s really only here for Matt.

"I would never lower myself to this..."

Oh lighten up, Robin. It’s not even your money – just play along. Nope. She takes Matt away for a walk to complain about how she doesn’t want to gamble. This infuriates the other girls who are doing as Matt ordered. Robin basically gets Matt to tell her that he’s interested in her for sure and then she rejoins the other girls. Shayne puts everything on red and loses. Thanks for playing, Shayne!

It turns out that Kelly wins the most money in the half hour so she is the lucky winner of Special Quality Time (even though that’s not what they’re calling it), so they go up the Eiffel Tower for more drinking and some fruit. Kelly announces that this is Matt’s chance to learn that she is nice, cool and can handle her alcohol. Right as she says this she spoons up a peach and immediately drops it onto the table, then puts the spoon in her mouth anyway. Have another one, Kelly! The rest of their conversation is stimulating, including that Kelly is athletic and why American football is called football. I wish we could stay with these two forever, but alas, we must go back to the others.

"Mm, this peach tastes like a spoon..."

As Kelly and Matt come back to the casino it seems that Shayne has reached her tolerance limit. She can no longer stand by competing for a guy. She grabs Matt and storms away with him demanding to know if he thinks she’s the type of girl who has to wait in the wings. Matt tells her that everyone is in the same boat, but that doesn’t make her feel any better. Privately Matt tells us that Shayne is so extremely attractive that she’s out of his league, but the drama is a huge turn-off. Gee I wonder which of those characteristics is going to end up being most important to him. Do you have a guess?

"Don't you know how many guys would die to be with me?"

Later everyone goes up to the Napoleon Suite to battle it out for the rose. Shayne continues her nervous breakdown, but Matt decides to take Chelsea away for some alone time. Chelsea tells Matt that she does a lot of great and wonderful things, but sometimes she gets lonely. Well what do you know? Matt gets lonely too! It must be destiny.

Pouting Robin is back and she perches on Matt’s lap to play Vivaldi on the piano while he fondles her outer thigh. She tells us angrily that she doesn’t need a rose to know that Matt is into her and that if she were watching from afar, she’d want to be herself. Her biggest problem is going to be the girls. Wow, she’s really sweet. Erin S. sits Matt down and wants to know what he’s really looking for. Here is his answer: “I’m looking for someone who’s smart, who makes me laugh, who’s committed, who isn’t in it for the short term.” Spoken like a true guy – in other words, totally generic, and he really has no idea. Erin actually claps because she wants those things too! Just like everyone else on earth!

Matt tells us that there has been a clear winner this evening and that he’s actually gutted that he’s not leaving with just her. He pulls Chelsea aside and gives her the rose for wanting someone to share life with, just like he does. Thankfully there is no jumping around and waving of the rose this time. Shayne, however, is still in the midst of her existential crisis because she is used to receiving a million roses and she just can’t stand not being number one all the time. She storms into the bathroom threatening to leave. Oh Shayne, just go! It’s all going to end up the same no matter what you do in the next hour. And I’m so tired of listening to how popular you are. Amy tries to comfort her and ultimately she decides to stay… shocking.

"Forward all my fan mail to rehab."

And it’s on to the Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party! Pouting Robin takes Matt outside and proposes a game. They pretend that they are meeting in some sort of legitimate manner and that all these other girls aren’t around. What would he do? Matt makes up a story about seeing each other on a train and asks if Pouting Robin would let him do all the work. She says she’d meet him halfway and then they totally make out - or "snog" as Matt would say.

"How's this for halfway?"

When she comes back inside all the other girls are mad and Marshana decides it’s time to take a stand. She goes outside and tells Matt about how hard her heart beats when he’s around and he tells her that she has all these attributes he’s looking for and then they get up and dance to no music. Matt tells us that he wanted to kiss Marshana but he felt stupid with all the other girls watching. Oh get used to it, British Bachelor.

Beer-can-biting Carri sits Matt down and announces that she sings opera. Really? Then what was with the beer can trick? Well, she offers to make up for it now and bursts out singing “Summertime.” This is so freaking embarrassing. Even Lucy990’s Deaf Dog was embarrassed when Carri started singing. Ladies, guys don’t choose a spouse as if they were judging a talent show. At least not this kind of talent show.

Where's that beer can when we need it?

We get to hear again about Amanda’s hiccups and then goody gumdrops, we get to hear from Shayne again. She takes Matt into a different room and doesn’t exactly apologize as much as she just recaps her hysteria in Vegas. Matt seems to have softened a little on his distaste for drama (who’d have ever guessed?) and he tells Shayne he was too hard on her and that he “fancies the pants off her.” That last phrase is the only good thing to come out of this encounter. I’m going to start using it. Other than that I’m really over Shayne.

Ew, Marshana gives Matt a public lap dance and then Amanda tries to teach him the Soulja Boy dance. Where is Chris for the love of mercy? Oh here he is. Hooray! So! Chelsea and Leelee got roses on their dates and there are 10 more roses to give out. Let me get my adding machine… ah! Three girls are out of here. Matt thanks everyone for the last two days and says this hasn’t been easy. Here are the roses:

Pouting Robin, Holly, Erin S. (mmm, hot dogs), Amanda (who hiccups), Kelly (who can handle her alcohol), Amy, Kristine (who?), Marshana (who is not of a different race), Noelle… Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready… Shayne (Noooooooooo!)

Erin H. chalks up her shameful ousting to not running after him like some of the other girls (Leelee!). Carri is sad but says she supposes she’s not what he’s looking for. Michelle bawls and says she’s going home to her cat. She can’t wait to hear her purr again and lay on her legs again because the cat is the love of her life at the moment. Well, you know who your next song should be written for then, Michelle.

Disgracefully cast out. No chance at love.

Next week the Bachelor has a date at a movie premiere. I’m not exactly sure how that fits into anything. Maybe Matt is star struck, staying in L.A. and what not. Someone massages Matt’s back with her feet, Robin pouts and threatens and the girls play rugby. Ugh, then it looks like Shayne hogs more of our screen time and makes all the other girls mad. Here’s hoping she goes home.

So! How are we coming along? So far I’m not minding this Bachelor. He seems nice enough and hasn’t done anything too narcissistic yet. But there’s always time. What do you guys think? I can’t wait to hear form you!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta