The Bachelor: Matt's Greatest Day EVER

"I'm so near to fame I can smell it!"

Tonight on The Bachelor Matt goes on his hometown dates! For the first time in Bachelor history, we meet a celebrity father. Okay, maybe not really a celebrity, but at least someone who was on the show “Are You Hot?” No, come to think of it, I’ve heard the name Lorenzo Lamas many times, but I have to admit, I wouldn’t know him even if I ran over him with my car. But I digress. Let’s do this!

So Matt starts out by meeting Shayne’s family. We all know he’s hardly been able to contain himself since day 1 looking forward to this moment. His first big time Hollywood movie star! Of course, Shayne’s family lives in Los Angeles where Matt has been staying this whole time, but in honor of hometown dates, Matt takes a Southwest flight from LAX to Burbank and then drives back over the hill to meet Lorenzo Lamas. Shayne is waiting for him in a restaurant and tells us that she knows Matt is still skeptical about the fact that she’s an actress. I have to pause here and share the fact that Gnomecorp found Shayne on imdb and half of her credits are episodes of “The Bachelor.” I verified this and she’s been on more episodes of “The Bachelor” than “General Hospital.” It’s literally half of her résumé! She really needs to cool it on the actress claim.

When Matt sits down Shayne tells him a story about introducing another guy to her dad and this other guy admitted – to Lorenzo Lamas, mind you – that he and Shayne met at a club! The horror! Great story, Shayne, now pipe down. Matt worries that Lorenzo Lamas may drill him over meeting Shayne on television, Lorenzo Lamas, Lorenzo Lamas. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the man we’ve all been waiting for, Mr. “Are You Hot” himself… LORENZO LAMAS!!! Lorenzo Lamas, Lorenzo Lamas!

Who's the lucky viewing audience?

Here we go. Matt meets Lorenzo Lamas, take one. Lorenzo Lamas tells us that he got married when he was 21 which was a huge mistake, and then he tells Matt that Shayne is very important to him. Then he drops a huge bomb. He tells Matt and America that Shayne only went on “The Bachelor” to further her acting career. He says that she wants to be a good actress, but even more than that, she wants to be a star. That is too hilarious. First of all, Lorenzo Lamas, no duh. But secondly, way to sell your daughter out! Looking to grab a little screen time for ourselves, are we? Shayne tries to argue, but Lorenzo Lamas has his story and he’s sticking to it! Shayne makes a very serious announcement to the effect that she is only here for Matt and nothing else. Then Lorezno Lamas says, “That’s the important thing we got out of this.” What?! Do these people even have any clue themselves of what they’re saying? Do they only make sense if they’re reading from a script?

Speaking of scripts, now Lorenzo Lamas takes Matt into the other room and gives a speech that is clearly pre-planned about how he regrets not being in his daughter’s life more than he has been and that Matt better not toy with her feelings. Matt is awestruck in the presence of such impressive acting. He practically calls Lorenzo Lamas “Dad,” as he pictures himself attending an endless schedule of premiere parties and Ivy lunches. Seriously, Matt is almost beside himself telling Lorenzo Lamas how excited he is to be his son-in-law. Now Lorenzo Lamas tells Shayne that he can tell that Matt really likes her, that she’s his “big girl,” and to follow her heart. I’m going to request a rewrite on that one. Big girl? Shayne tries really hard to cry on cue and then pretends to be surprised at how well this meeting went. And next we’re off to rehab, also known as Shayne’s mom’s house.

"Can we try the hug again? I wasn't feeling it."

Shayne is very excited to introduce Matt to her mom, Michele, and her sister, Dakota. She tells us she’s not going to hide the fact that she’s from a broken home. Oh thanks a lot, Shayne. I would have been so much more comfortable if Lorenzo Lamas had been at your mom’s house “acting” like they were still a couple. As they enter the house, Dakota comes hopping up wearing the latest trend of the young rich set. The hippie/Native American headband. The kind that is on top of your hair all the way around your head. I’ve seen this here, on “The Hills,” and “The Real Housewives of New York City.” I’m not a fan, but I’m sure I’ll eventually be seduced by the trendy whippersnapping set and start tying crap around my head too. Just now, as I’m minding my own business puzzling over my headbanding future, I glance up at the television screen and literally scream. The most horrendously surgically altered person I’ve ever seen has just stepped into view. And it’s Shayne’s mother.

Shayne in 20 years... or 10.

Aside from the cosmetic disaster that is Michele, every inch of the house is covered in leopard skin, except for an embroidered pillow that reads, “So many men – so few who can afford me.” Aw, did Michele make that at last month’s quilting bee? Instead of bursting into tears and running for his life, Matt tells us that he’s “kind of digging” this whole scene. Ah, the price you pay for fame. Or to be a groupie to your daddy-in-law. He even snuggles with a small white dog wearing a pink tutu. I wish I were kidding. For dinner Michele serves British fare – including roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, but she dodges Matt’s questions about learning to cook these things. I’m guessing Michele called Wee Britain for delivery service. I’m also starting to figure out where Shayne learned her bright pink makeup habits.

Michele takes Matt into a bedroom (!) and shows him a home video of Shayne dancing on a stage some years ago. She’s actually really good and Michele keeps bragging and bragging. Matt is totally entranced. He’s having visions of his own little girls becoming Vaudeville hoofers, then blooming into shameless Hollywood climbers and ending as leather handbags wearing fuchsia lipstick. The smile can not be wiped off of his face. Elsewhere Shayne and Dakota discuss love and Shayne says she can’t say at the moment that she loves Matt, but she “can see herself falling in love with him.” Oh brother. I thought Dakota was going to sit Matt down and tell him all these glorious things about Shayne.

Halo in training?

Michele asks Matt how he feels about Shayne’s career and he tells her it’s just wonderful. Hmm, those same thoughts didn’t apply when discussing Leelee’s wandering singing career, did they Matt? Michele wants to know how Matt will handle watching Shayne on screen kissing another man and I want to know how Matt will handle it when it happens in real life. This is so ludicrous and Matt can hardly rip himself away at the end. He has had such a “brilliant” time. This guy is so transparent. He’s ready to pick out the space for his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Need we go on?

Waking up from the Lamas nightmare, we now enter Durango, Colorado to meet Chelsea’s family. Matt tells us that he’s still worried about how much Chelsea is actually willing to let loose and show her emotions, but I think at this point he’s just looking for reasons to dump everyone and move to Hollywood with Shayne, Michele and Dakota. Chelsea is waiting for Matt in six feet of snow when he arrives and she jumps up and squeals when she sees him. She sits Matt down and warns him that she doesn’t see her family often, so she gets emotional when they reunite. Chelsea’s parents live in one of those planned communities where every house looks exactly the same and you have to use your garage door opener to locate your own home. As we meet Dad Kerry and Mom Addie Chelsea tells us that she highly admires their marriage and hopes to have one like it someday. Over dinner Chelsea tells about Matt’s sarcastic sense of humor and how much fun they’ve had together. Dad Kerry wants to know if Matt came on “The Bachelor” to meet 25 women, or to meet the one right woman. Ugh, here comes Matt’s speech again about his aging father. Zip it, Matt, you’re here to marry into fame.

"I'm not toasting to you un-famous people."

Chelsea sits down with her dad and tells him that she doesn’t think she wanted this to happen. Meaning she didn’t want to find herself liking Matt this much, but wouldn’t you know it. Amid the isolation and intense Matt-focus forced on her by the producers, she’s ending up really starting to like him! Kerry advises Chelsea that if she likes Matt, she needs to let him know how she feels. Bad advice, Kerry. Matt tells Mom Addie that he fell in love with Chelsea the first time he hung out with her (yeah, right), but could never tell if she liked him back. Addie reminds Matt that Chelsea knows he’s dating other girls and that makes it hard to be very open. Oh yeah? Not for Shayne. Chelsea walks Matt out to the car and they tell each other how much fun they’ve had and then make out. I’m getting really nauseated.

Matt’s next stop is Loveland, Colorado where he will be meeting Noelle’s farming family. Interestingly, there is no snow in this portion of the state. Matt has the most clever line to open the scene: “Today I’m in Loveland – home of love and Noelle.” Oh, how does he come up with these? He is just “brilliant!” Matt tells us that he doesn’t know Noelle as well as the other girls, but he’s hoping to rectify that situation. Noelle is waiting for him wearing a belly sweater – yes you read that correctly. We can see her midriff. She tells us how real this if for her. You know with all the cameras and the cue cards and the retakes. Real. Matt and Noelle go horseback riding and Noelle tells Matt that he has a lot of the qualities she lacks, so they compliment each other perfectly. Oh that is so profound.

Those are two ticked off horses.

Today we meet Noelle’s Dad Larry, Mom Teresa, and sisters Alicia and Rachel. Larry drags Matt away to play horseshoes and the girls sit around a picnic table to discuss Matt. One sister says Matt’s cute, and Mom Teresa says he’s tall. Well put, ladies. Dad Larry and Matt just tell each other how excited they’ve been to meet each other and then we go back to the girls where Noelle is babbling about putting herself out there. Over dinner the family wants to know where Matt will live and he tells them that he doesn’t care because he’s flexible – both about where he lives and getting his legs over his head. Zing! One of Noelle’s sisters talks to the camera and the idiots in production put a subscript under her that says “Teresa, Noelle’s Mom.”

Poor Rachel, Noelle's sister.

Then both sisters take him outside and want to know if he’s getting close to falling in love. Matt says that he’s bizarrely falling in love with more than one person – and one of those people is Noelle! Inside, Noelle’s parents tell her that they like Matt and then Noelle complains some more about finding it hard to open up to anyone. Then she walks Matt outside and tells Matt that he passed the family meeting with flying colors. Matt tells Noelle that he desperately wants to kiss her so they make out. I throw up.

Our last stop is Tallahassee, Florida to meet Amanda’s family. Amanda tells us that she wanted to play a prank on Matt so she hired actors to play her parents and trick him. I’m sorry, but we’re really supposed to believe that this was Amanda’s idea? Give me a break. The producers knew they had to do something to top the Grand Lamas Debacle and Amanda went along. She claims that this will show Matt that she has a good sense of humor. I think it shows that she is a puppet. This next segment is pretty insulting. These people are downright obnoxious. The mom keeps laughing like a crazy person and the dad asks really intrusive questions about Matt and Amanda’s physical relationship.

"And this is how I register 'anger.'"

Amanda keeps narrating to us, calling them “fake mom” and “fake dad.” This idiocy culminates with the fake mom crawling on top of Matt, telling him he smells good, trying to kiss him and grabbing his nipple. All right! We get it! Please put us out of our misery!!!

This woman actually tried out for The Bachelor Season 10.

Milliseconds before I scratch my own eyes out, Amanda brings out her real family and we skim over dinner because we wasted so much time watching “Amanda’s” prank. Matt and Amanda have a private conversation where Matt tells her how extraordinary he thinks she is, but most importantly, they make out.

And after that painful mess, it’s finally time for the Rose Ceremony. Thank goodness we skip the cocktail party tonight because I am at the end of my rope. Matt comes out and tells the girls that he didn’t sleep much last night and they’re all incredible and so are their families. Here’s how it goes: Shayne (No, really?), Amanda… Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. Chelsea! Aw, buh-bye Noelle! See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!

Matt walks Noelle out and tells her that they have a connection, but it wasn’t the easiest. Noelle says it’s her fault for not opening up more and Matt says that he feels in his heart this situation isn’t the best for her. Noelle is very classy. She’s sweet and doesn’t cry and leaves with all of her dignity intact, which very few girls on this show can say. On her Ride of Shame Noelle says that it’s hard to be the one sent home and since Matt said they were connecting, she’s a little confused. She talks again about being closed off and says that this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Really? Were you featured on a previous season, Noelle?

"My heart is irreversibly broken."

Inside Matt is all glee and tells the final three that he will be taking them to Barbados for their Fantasy Overnight Dates. Ah, the moment he’s been looking forward to second most from the beginning – sleeping with Shayne.

Next week are the Fantasy Overnights! We see a shot of Matt standing on a balcony overlooking the beach and holding a diamond ring in his hand. Lies!

So what do you think? Is Matt going to chuck it all and run off with Shayne’s mom?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta