The Bachelor: No Laughing Matter

It's the "naughty stool" for these two gigglers.

Tonight The Bachelor takes a turn for the serious. But before that happens we have a jolly good English group date and a really dreamy 50’s date at a swell diner. Matt continues doling out the kisses, Pouting Robin continues doling out the frowns and Leelee continues doling out her belly button. Grab a strong drink and join me for this week’s adventures!

Chris Harrison returns in his know-it-all glory to the Mansion of Desperation to give the girls the lowdown on this week. He’s in a flaming purple blouse.

"Matt said I look pretty."

He tells the girls that this week things will be taking a serious turn. Oh, you mean no more pretend Hollywood parties? Matt will be hosting one group date, one “special” one-on-one date, and a two-on-one date. There are roses to be won on each date, but with the two-on-one, he picks one girl to stay and the other to leave in terrible shame. The girls all gasp at this news. Oh yes, girls – did someone forget to tell you? People get eliminated each week on this show. It’s only a matter of time.

The first Date Box is a pink tennis bag and the note reads: “Kelly, Chelsea, Shayne, Leelee, Noelle and Robin – I’m looking for the perfect match. Love, Matt.” The girls are beside themselves with curiosity trying to decode Matt’s special note. Luckily the tennis bag gives them a hint. They’ll be playing tennis. There are rackets, balls and tiny tennis skirts. But wait. There is another baffling component to this mysterious Date Box. Tea cups. Tea and tennis? Well, whatever floats your British boat. Robin goes on and on about “high tea” and “Wimble-ton” and how important it must be to Matt and how much she hopes that’s what they’ll be doing. Shayne wants to know what “high tea” means because it’s not something they do on the set of “General Hospital.”

High Tea Dry Run

The girls arrive at a private estate where Matt predicts that this date is going to be brilliant. Leelee emerges, midriff blazing, for a rousing match. Shayne immediately complains that her tiny skirt is way too big and starts rolling it down at the waist. Matt admits that Chelsea is looking so hot today that he actually has to exhort himself to “sort it out,” to keep from staring at her. Then he judges a handstand contest between Shayne and Chelsea in their tennis skirts. Pouting Robin guffaws, saying she’d never be so attention-whorish. Of course not, Robin – please go back to frowning.

"Blimey! Look at all the wife potential."

Matt takes Leelee for a little stroll through some trees and here we find out some (more) annoying things about Leelee. First of all, she doesn’t recognize commonly used English idioms, like on the first night when Matt told her to “fire away,” and now he comments on her handling of the whole Bachelor situation, saying she “takes it in stride,” and she’s bewildered. Also, Leelee never utters a sentence not followed up by a very shrill giggle. Lastly, Leelee continues to write and sing original songs for Matt. I mean really, haven’t we had enough for a season – or five? Matt says her singing is his undoing and they kiss after she stops. The other girls badmouth Leelee and then she sings into the camera that she “wants the rose, so-oh bad… hee hee hee.” Please no more.

Later Matt gathers the girls around a tea table for – you guessed it, high tea! Again he says it’s brilliant. And it wouldn’t be a Bachelor tea party without alcohol, so everyone also gets champagne. As Robin passes around tea and jam, she tells a fascinating story about how her parents don’t own a coffee maker, they own a tea maker that looks like a coffee maker. Tell it again, Robin! Then she announces that she’s going on a walk and would like Matt to join her. The other girls are angry, naturally. Matt tells Robin he loves her British-ness, what with passing around tea and jam and yammering about her parents’ tea maker. Matt says he loves spending time with her and feels that they connect on many different levels. You know, rugby, tennis, tea, jam… it never ends. Robin tips her hand and tells Matt she’s totally falling for him. Big mistake, Robin.

Shayne has had it up to here with Robin and all her alone time with Matt so she decides to tell Robin all about it. She says it’s not a competition for time and that it’s not fair that Robin hasn’t let Noelle have any alone time with Matt yet. Robin says she’s not there to play fair and Shayne says fine, then expect us to gossip when you’re not around. Fair enough, Shayne. Fair enough. Then Robin admits she’s never had a lot of close girlfriends – will wonders never cease? – and she doesn’t know how to act. Then she starts bawling and tells us she feels completely alone. Boo hoo.

"Now I'm never showing them the tea maker!"

Back home, Marshana, Holly and Amanda are sitting around with nothing to do but wait for Date Boxes to arrive. As if sent from heaven, a Date Box knocks on the door. Holly reads the card and it’s for Amanda. “Our future together begins with a trip to the past. Love, Matt.” Uh oh. This means that Holly and Marshana have to battle it out on the two-on-one date. Who will it be? The children’s author or the fashion designer? The former nanny or the former Miss Earth New York? Will Marshana wear another homemade Indian costume?

And over at Tea and Tennis Central, Matt is making his big speech about what a brilliant day this has been, but Chelsea was really good at tennis and super hot around the tea table. She gets the rose. Leelee’s incensed. Did their stroll through the trees mean nothing? Robin is shocked. Chelsea already got a rose on a group date! P.S. – so did Robin. But, “It is what it is. A rose is a rose.” Any more riveting tales from Robin today?

Later Amanda is getting ready for her solo date and she’s dressing up like Sandy from Grease. Apparently their date into the past is 50’s themed. Amanda is meeping right and left as she puts on fuchsia lipstick to clash with her red shirt and hairsprays herself into oblivion. Matt pulls up in a vintage convertible wearing a black leather jacket. Wow, they are really milking this America vs. England thing. They are desperately looking for any small shred of culture shock that can be induced onto anyone. Matt and Amanda pull up to a diner called Ricky and Ronnie’s where the parking lot is populated with spit-shined vintage muscle cars for them to ogle. Matt is thrilled because he says Amanda is “the All American girl.” Whatever. After a milkshake and Amanda trying to verbally convince Matt that she’s fun, Matt asks her to show him some 50’s dance moves. Amanda goes up a half notch in my opinion by calling Matt a “ballerina” and saying he’s a horrible dancer.

"We go together like ramma lamma lamma..."

At home a large pot has knocked on the door and it turns out that this is the final Date Box of the episode. Shayne does the honors. “Marshana and Holly: Only one rose. One stays… and one goes.” I’m sure glad the interns haven’t changed that catchy poem for several seasons. The girls start ganging up on Marshana for having a crappy attitude about having to go on the two-on-one and Marshana starts in on a finger wagging defense. Privately she sobs to us that she just really wants Matt to see how beautiful she is and how much she cares. Then she throws the kitchen utensils from her Date Box onto the floor and storms away. Well that should help.

"You WILL realize you're in love with me!"

And at the diner Matt takes a time out from his dance follies to present Amanda with the rose. He tells her that he’s discovering more and more how much they have in common. Meaning… I have no idea. Does Matt have chronic hiccups too? They snog and then head over to the Santa Monica pier for some baby rollercoaster action. The pier is totally empty except for them, so I’m surprised they didn’t try to tell us that this was the Grand Opening of a new amusement park or something. They sit in the giant ferris wheel making out and guess what. Amanda is DEFINITELY falling for Matt.

The next evening Holly and Marshana prepare themselves for Sophie’s Choice, also known as the two-on-one date. Holly is worried because she just knows she has something special with Matt. This is the second time she’s had to pack up all her stuff in preparation for an ousting. Marshana thinks that there could be great things in store for her and Matt, but they still need time together. Over at Matt’s house Matt frets because tonight he needs to work out which of these girls he has most in common with and which one he has a future with. He’s waiting for one to outshine the other. Geez, that’s brutal. Over dinner he asks them both how they’d feel about moving to the UK. Remember, his life is the one that matters and needs to be maintained. Marshana says there’s nothing holding her in New York. Not even the Miss Earth New York title? I suppose she could transition into Miss Earth United Kingdom. Holly says she was planning to move to London even before she met Matt. Well, maybe there’s more demand for children’s books over there. Marshana then says she’s totally willing and able to maintain whatever connection she makes with Matt after “the process” ends. Holly just says “ditto.”

Matt decides it’s time for a shine-off so he takes each girl away for one-on-one time. Marshana is first and Holly is left behind with a ginormous bowl of popcorn. I’ll just say it, I’d be happy with that. Anyway Matt again tries to introduce us to yet another British phrase that is actually already well-known in America as he tells Marshana she’s been a “good sport.” Matt, don’t you watch TV? Hello? They talk about nonsense and then Matt goes in for a kiss. Marshana should feel special because Matt doesn’t give out kisses easily.

Bit of a misfit?

Inside on Matt’s bed he and Holly have a little chat. Matt admits he has a boring side, like sometimes he wants to know what’s going on in the Middle East or the Brazilian financial market. Okay, clearly this is a hint for Holly to exclaim that those things aren’t boring at all! They are important world events, and she’s thrilled to know that Matt is conscious of them. Instead she says that she, too, has a boring side and her favorite thing to do is curl up and watch a movie. Oh dear. Matt tells her that he loves challenging questions, but Holly can’t think of any. She promises Matt that she cares about him and they kiss. Yuck.

We drop in on the girls at the mansion long enough to learn that Shayne is certain that Holly will be the one to get the rose and that Kelly is the only one Matt hasn’t kissed. Has he kissed Noelle? Did I miss something?

And back at Matt’s he tells us that he’s in an emotional mine field. Oh, I feel so bad for him… negative. He stands before the girls and tells them both how great he thinks they are, but that he has to give the rose to Marshana. He tells her he wants more time to get to know her and she bursts into tears and accepts the rose.

"Aw, I'm deeply 'sari,' Holly."

Next he walks Holly out and says that he has an amazing physical attraction toward her, but that they weren’t connecting on other things – like common areas of boredom. Holly says she wishes him the best and then Matt shoves her into the limo. During her Ride of Shame Holly tells us that she feels stupid for pouring her heart out to Matt and telling him what she wanted out of life. Like wanting to curl up with a movie? Honey, you’ll survive.

"But we're both boring..."

Shayne cries as the luggage guy comes in and walks away with Holly’s spray tanner. Matt gets back to snogging with Marshana. Such an emotional mine field.

Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time! Ah, here is Marshana wearing yet another sari. I’d like to take this moment to clue in our beloved little fashion designer. Marshana – the sari has been done. Centuries ago.

"Centuries ago? That can't be right!"

Matt enters to rowdy cheers and he wants to get one thing straight before getting this party started. Yesterday was not easy for him at all and he’s here to find true love. Well thank you, Mr. Buzzkill.

Leelee is up first. Matt wants to know if there is more between them than just looks and music. Leelee giggles, but Matt isn’t having any of that tonight. He wants to know how she’s going to manage her singing career over in England. Is he serious? He really thinks that she should have to sacrifice all that she’s worked for so that he can do global financing in England? Correct me if I’m wrong, but the term “global” would lead me to believe that his job has the potential to be mobile. Leelee just giggles and says she thinks they could make something work. Then she tells us that music can be created anywhere in the world, whereas love, well that’s another story. Okay, I defended her too soon.

Noelle is next and she seems to have borrowed Amanda’s fuchsia lipstick. They just talk about the fact that Noelle is stepping out of her comfort zone. Yeah, who isn’t? It’s Kelly’s turn and she sits down with her arms folded and her legs crossed away from Matt. He mentions her body language and tries to unfold her arms. I was actually scolded for this very thing at a job interview with Disney once. Hey, Disney owns ABC… I smell a conspiracy! Matt tells Kelly that she’s tons of fun in a group situation, but he hasn’t seen that side of her when it’s just the two of them. How does Kelly remedy this situation? She pulls open her dress and shows Matt her bra, naturally! This goes over about as well as Stacy’s lace underwear from night one. Kelly seems nearly as drunk now as Stacy was then and she tells all of us to try to meet another girl like her because we won’t.

"No fun, you say?"

During Shayne’s alone time she tells Matt that she wishes he would just hurry up and send everyone else home already. As proof of how much she likes him, Shayne reminds Matt that she’s sharing him with seven other girls. They snog. Chris comes in to break up all the romance. Matt tells the girls that he’s somber tonight, but thanks them for their time. Leelee, as always, has the perfect thing to say. “I just want him to want me. That’s all I want.” Thanks for clearing that up, Leelee.

Okay Matt has deeply pondered his emotional mine field and he’s come up with some decisions. Chelsea, Amanda and Marshana already have roses. Here are how the rest go: Shayne, Robin… Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready… Noelle!

The sadly disillusioned.

Well, Kelly walks outside and tells us that she can’t believe Matt didn’t choose her, I mean, hello! Any dude would want to date her. I’m noticing that her dress is black with hot pink spinal cords as a print. Who wouldn’t want this girl!? She ends by yelling that Matt’s cool and all, but he’s not the best because he didn’t choose her.

Leelee is a mess and she can't believe she's being sent home. She just wishes that she could find a guy who would see more to her than just a songwriter. I have a tip, Leelee. Quit writing songs for them! When you have a new original song for a guy every time you see him, he's bound to think of you as a songwriter. I know, this world is a crazy, mixed up place. She gasps out that she wrote a song for Matt and that's way more powerful than any words can say. And he still has the nerve to think of her as a songwriter? Wait... she's going to sing it for us - again. Songwriter indeed!

Next week Matt takes the gals snowboarding in Sun Valley and we have the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history! The catfight will be presented by Marshana and Chelsea, so be sure to pop some popcorn.

So it’s down to six lucky ladies! Who are your top choices? Who already has one foot out the door? What did you think of this episode’s developments?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta