The Bachelorette: The Ron/Jeremy Clash

The belle of the ball

APOLOGIES, beloved readers, on the arrival of this recap. The job that actually pays my bills took up an inordinate amount of my precious time this last week, but it shan’t happen again! And before we start, I have to vent to you a tiny frustration about this season of The Bachelorette. ABC must have it out for me because they have decided to go and make each and every episode TWO HOURS LONG!!! I am only one woman so I am forewarning you now that there will be condensing of the episodes in this, my latest adventure in recapping. Please feel free to mention your favorite moments in the comments if I happen to gloss over them. My brain can only take so much searching for true love in one sitting. Okay, let’s see how DeAnna’s doing!

The Fortunate Fifteen gather outside the Mansion of Desperation to learn that this is not, in fact, where they will be living while they vie for DeAnna. They will be living in the shack out back down the path. However, three lucky guys each week will be invited to live in the Mansion of Desperation along with DeAnna. This week Jeremy, The Riddler and Richard are the chosen ones. This is, of course, because they were awarded the three First Impression Roses. In they trot to the other guys’ dismay. DeAnna welcomes them inside and tells us that seeing each other first thing in the morning and last thing at night is the best way to find love. Interesting theory. The remaining chumps head down the path to their shack of bunk beds. Turns out that staying in the mansion isn’t exactly glamorous. The guys get one tiny bedroom crammed with three twin beds. Oh the opulence.

Livin' in Beverly Hills

On the plus side, the guys in the bunkhouse get cowboy sheets. And a freezing cold outdoor shower with no curtain.

Camp Coldwater Canyon

The Mansion Three head down to the Bunkhouse Twelve to read to them the Date Card they’ve received. Card? The guys don’t get a box? Why don’t we just drop them into a pig sty and smear the manure all over their faces? Clearly ABC is trying to take them all down a notch or two. The Riddler reads the card and here’s who is going on Date #1: Jason, Ryan, Twilley, Sean, Paul, Fred and Richard. “Do you believe in magic?”

Date #1: Magic Boys

We learn that this is DeAnna’s first date since Brad. That’s quite a dry spell. The super secret destination is the Magic Castle in Hollywood. I’ve driven past this, but I’ve never been inside. Apparently it’s a magician’s club and when you go there you get to see all kinds of illusions. The first magic trick Ryan wants to try is making the other guys disappear – hardy har. There is a mini magic show where the magician makes DeAnna and Jason get into a box and then disappear, sending them into a private room for some one-on-one time. We learn that Jason is from Seattle and that DeAnna’s favorite food is Mexican. The guys speculate as to whether DeAnna is ready to kiss anyone yet. Jason dances around the issue of kids, but ultimately chickens out – yet again – on telling DeAnna about his little rug rat.

"Kids? Who said anything about kids?"

Back home, The Riddler and Jeremy head down to the bunkhouse again, this time with an actual date box. There’s just a note inside and it says, “Graham, let’s head to the shore to get swept away. Love DeAnna.” The rest of the guys are mad.

And meanwhile at the castle, DeAnna grabs Sean and his mullet away for a chat. They sit down on a tiny couch between two pianos, but every time Sean tries to say anything, one of the pianos starts playing. Poor Sean. He’s just trying to explain to DeAnna that there’s more to him than roundhouse kicking lemons off of The Riddler’s head, but to no avail. The pianos won’t shut up. They give up and rejoin the rest of the fellas where another magician has appeared with a deck of cards. When DeAnna chooses one, it turns out that instead of a face card, there’s a picture of a rose. DeAnna makes the guys take turns showing her magic tricks, but when it’s Twilley’s turn, he gets up and drones on and on making up a story about a princess named DeAndrea. Huh? Apparently this lasts much longer than any sort of appropriate interval and everyone becomes really annoyed. Richard takes DeAnna aside and makes her an origami flower out of a scrap of paper in his pocket. Then he tells her that he’s made this flower for one other girl before. Smooth there, Richard. That’s just what every girl wants to hear.

"I dug this out of my ex-fiancée's trash."

Outside with the other guys, Twilley makes the mistake of saying he’s along for the ride, referring to this process of finding true love. The guys jump right down his throat, questioning his intentions and accusing him of not being here for DeAnna. Ryan sits DeAnna down and makes her a verbal list of all of his angelic qualities. When she comments that he’s “good,” he says no, he’s just “different.” Aw, and modest, too, right? He tells her he can’t wait to be a husband and a dad, and then he tells us again how noble and wonderful he is. He finishes by telling DeAnna that he has the utmost respect for the other guys here and he would never do anything terrible like interrupt the time she’s spending with one of the others. Just as this sentence comes out of his mouth, in prance Paul and Fred to do what? Interrupt Ryan’s alone time.

DeAnna asks Paul and Fred to tell her something she should know, that doesn’t involve wearing Speedos and being naked. Paul jumps right in about how glad he is to have the chance to tell her a thing or two. He may only be 23, but he’s here for the right reasons and to prove it, he tells her he’s been engaged before. That would actually scare me, but I guess that’s only my irrelevant opinion. Paul thinks it proves he’s ready for love. DeAnna says that in five years she sees herself married with a child and another one on the way. She wants to have her kids young because her mother passed away when she was little. That is so sad. I honestly don’t know how people handle losing their mothers early – I can’t even begin to imagine it. Anyway Paul thinks it is a huge signal from fate that DeAnna has a very similar five year plan to his. What? It’s so vague – married with a child. You could round up at least half the population to say the exact same thing.

The card magician is back and he magically transforms the rose card into a boutonniere and wishes DeAnna luck. Despite every guy thinking he’ll be the one to get it, it actually goes to Little Paul for having a matching five year plan. Paul gives a toast and announces that after tonight he thinks they all believe in magic. Ha ha ha. CHEESE.

Later, emboldened by his magic rose, Paul decides to brave the freezing cold outdoor shower – right in front of everyone.

I found the maple leaf.

Chef Robert announces he may not shower for a few days. Yummy – I hope he cooks something with his stanky hands. Graham packs his bags and heads out with DeAnna to get swept away at the shore. It looks like they end up in Malibu and I have to say that Graham seems a tad awkward. They attempt to fly a kite – “attempt” being the key word.

And at home the Mansion Three head to the bunkhouse with yet another Date Box. Chris, Robert, Brian, The Riddler, Ron, Jeremy and Eric. “A diamond is a girl’s best friend. Step up to the plate.” The best part about that note is that it said Ron Jeremy in it. Jason’s mad that he didn’t get to go on the baseball date.

In Malibu DeAnna asks Graham about his latest serious relationship and we learn that he just broke up with someone whom he didn’t date for long, and that she was his only serious relationship ever. DeAnna admits that she’s afraid of falling in love only to be jilted again.

"I don't follow."

Later they sit in front of a campfire and DeAnna advises Graham to keep an open mind and to be very honest. Graham says things like, “Love is a wonderful thing.” He seems very nervous to me. They exchange a few clichés and then they snuggle up in front of the fire.

The Bunkhouse Boys have built a fire of their own and embarked on the one topic guys have to discuss – sex. Chef Robert makes passionate declarations about the importance of sex before marriage and this drives Ryan to announce that he’s a virgin. You can hear a pin drop. He keeps trying to pass it off as a decision to be different instead of a religious choice. The other guys aren’t really sure what to say, but they’re nice about it and just kind of stare at Ryan then stare at the ground.

DeAnna and Graham roast marshmallows to make s’mores and now I know why Graham came on this date – so he could bring his own special crackers. Oh I know, I am just hilarious. DeAnna picks up the rose and makes a speech about how at first she thought Graham just wanted to be in love and he didn’t care with whom, but while they had dinner she realized that she wants to spend a whole lot more time with Graham, so she offers the rose. He accepts and then DeAnna gets her first big smooch of the season. She says that Graham is definitely falling for her.

"He wants me bad."

At home Twilley has his panties in a bunch since Ryan accused him of insincerity. He worries that DeAnna might also think he’s insincere and he should probably jog up to the mansion to set the record straight. Jason encourages him strongly to go for it and I can’t tell if it’s because he thinks it will make Twilley look stupid, or if he’s really trying to be a friend. Either way, Twilley hides out in the bushes and watches DeAnna and Graham return not in the convertible they set out in, but in a giant SUV. Hmm, search me.

"Maybe I should consider taking Graham
aside for a 'chat' instead of DeAnna."

They get out of the car but Graham only kisses her on the cheek – no show for Twilley. When DeAnna sees Twilley she wonders what he’s doing here and he sits her down and starts explaining that there’s another side to him besides the awesome storyteller she got a glimpse of at the Magic Castle. It doesn’t really make much sense and they just end up hugging and saying good night. Meanwhile Graham is telling the other guys about his date, including the kiss, which makes the rest of them consider him as the frontrunner – and enemy.

Date #2: Baseball Boys

And now it’s time for the Baseball Date. She takes the boys to Dodger’s Stadium, which, true to Bachelor tradition, is completely empty. They’ve just been granted use of the facilities. Then out comes Tommy LaSorda to assist with the day’s festivities. The first order of business is for everyone to don a Dodger jersey with their name on it. Then he gives the guys a pep talk encouraging them to believe in themselves – oh brother.

"I just finished this great book called 'The Secret.'"

Chris then attempts to sing the national anthem – again the key word being “attempts.” When he doesn’t know the words, Tommy LaSorda orders him away in shame. So! The challenge is a homerun derby, which means that the guys each take a turn trying to hit some balls and the one to hit the most homeruns wins alone time with DeAnna. I’m actually surprised at how many of these guys are able to hit a ball out of Dodger Stadium. Robert, however, is awful and says he wishes it were a challenge in the kitchen or the bedroom so he could shine. Ew, I’m not liking him so much. Even though he made crab salad. Well the winner turns out to be Jeremy who hits six homeruns to earn some alone time. Chris, who is actually a professional baseball player, hits none. Hah! Doofus.

DeAnna and Jeremy sit down in the dugout and have a little heart to heart. It seems that Jeremy, like DeAnna, has lost his mother. Oh, that makes me sad. Then we learn that he also lost his dad shortly after. Oh geez, DeAnna loses the pity Olympics. Jeremy is the gold medalist. They’re both so glad they got to have this chat.

"Then my dog died and I got fired from my job..."

Later after hot dogs and wine (so classy!), the guys take turns having brief alone time. All Eric can talk about is Greece and being Greek. I’m bored of him already. Brian tells DeAnna that he’s really discovered who he is in the last year and he’s ready to find a wife.

At home Jason calls his little boy and I could honestly care less. This is what is making the show so long and we could really do without it. Then he goes outside and tells the other guys about his son. Big whoop.

Oooh, more filler. Tommy LaSorda gives DeAnna relationship advice. Seriously? Next!

And next DeAnna pulls Jeremy off the field and tells him they have so much in common. Just then this little chatty-poo pops up on the JumboTron for the other guys to watch as DeAnna presents Jeremy with the rose. Ron says that hurts more than any strike out they could have had on the field. Geez, I hope so. Then DeAnna pulls out her final surprise of the night, which is fireworks for everyone. That’s nice. The other guys aren’t too fond of Jeremy.

It’s Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time! DeAnna’s wearing an awesome powder blue dress. As the Bunkhouse Boys file in, Jeremy announces, “Welcome to our home!” and this just does not sit well with anyone. Ron actually brings up Jeremy’s second rose to DeAnna, wondering why she wouldn’t spread out the mansion time more among the guys so that she’ll have a better opportunity to get to know everyone. DeAnna says she won’t go into details, but that Jeremy opened up to her about some important things. Then she tells us that if the other guys are jealous, they should step up their game. Bravo!

Twilley takes DeAnna outside in another attempt to explain how great he is. Inside, the guys keep whining about Jeremy’s rose and Jeremy actually heads outside to brush Twilley aside and steal some more time for himself. Trouble! How dare he! Jeremy is getting very unpopular with the rest of the guys.

Outside Jeremy and DeAnna continue their bonding and Jeremy tells her that on the first night when he got out of the limo and said something in another language, what he said was, “I came here to meet you, especially for you.” Aw, that’s really sweet. And it’s smooch number two for DeAnna!

Things are looking up...

I think I’m a Jeremy fan, but I admit, it could just be that I feel sorry for him for losing his parents. Inside the guys start ganging up on Jeremy. Ryan says he doesn’t think Jeremy is genuine – the same thing he said to Twilley – and Ron says that Jeremy pulling DeAnna away from Twilley just now was uncalled-for, unprofessional and immature. Unprofessional? Is this a job interview? Jeremy is back and Ryan tells him he doesn’t have to be a dick, which is bleeped. Why bleeped? Ryan doesn’t cuss. DeAnna chooses Ron for the next alone time. They discuss his divorce and Ron tells her he’s been having fun and that he appreciates her putting herself out there. After this, Ron isn’t so sure that Jeremy is the only frontrunner anymore.

Now the guys have a pushup competition and I have a nice little power nap because who freaking cares??? Jeremy claims to have thrown the pushup competition to give the others a chance (yeah right) and the winner is… The Riddler. He and DeAnna step outside and DeAnna wants to know how he’ll ever move away from Colorado if he’s a professional snowboarder. The Riddler says he wants to quit snowboarding and be a stay at home dad. Mayday! The Riddler doesn’t want to work. I somehow don’t see DeAnna marrying the stay at home dad type.

Thank goodness, here’s Chris tapping the glass. After deliberating, DeAnna thanks everyone and reminds them that she knows what they’re going through. Here come the roses: Ron, The Riddler, Chef Robert, Brian, Jason, Fred, Sean and his mullet, Richard, Gentlemen, DeAnna, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. Twilley! Ew. So leaving us are Eric, Chris and Ryan.

Eric says he’s never had to fight for a girl before and he’s not going to spoon feed himself to someone. If you can’t appreciate what a great catch he is, then that’s it. Chris is baffled. After tonight he can’t possibly imagine what it is that DeAnna is after because he can’t believe the guys who got roses over him. He concludes that DeAnna doesn’t have things as figured out as she claims to. Ryan, too, is confused. He reminds us that he’s a virgin and then tells us that he was voted “friendliest” in eighth grade. That’s superfluous information, but the most interesting thing is that when he first exits the mansion he snaps, “That’s a joke!” Wow. The girls always boo hoo and wonder what’s wrong with themselves. It’s interesting to see the guys – they get really pissed off and wonder what’s wrong with DeAnna.

DeNied!

And speaking of DeAnna, she takes a moment out in the corner to cry and feel bad about breaking people’s hearts. I’ve got to correct her there and say bruising people’s egos would be a more accurate statement. Cheers to the remainders! She believes one of them is her husband.

Next week the guys wear plastic cowboy hats and line dance. Not pretty. Ron and Jeremy fight some more over their split porn star name and Jason drops the bomb about his son. There is another appearance on the Ellen show, and the guys drop their pants. See you then!

So how are you liking all this? Who do you think will win the Ron/Jeremy battle?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta