The Bachelorette: DeAnna Turns Hypocrite

"I never meant to hurt you..."

Well, it’s been a long road, my friends. A long painful road through this season of The Bachelorette. DeAnna returned from torturous rejection to show the world THE CORRECT way to do this show. She was treated completely unfairly and humiliated before the nation, so she came back to do a demonstration of how one goes about being the Bachelor/ette – you know without hurting anyone. Thank you, DeAnna. We are forever in your debt.

We start by joining Jason on his hotel balcony where he tells us that he never expected any of this to happen – after all, he’s just a single dad out of Seattle. When he first met DeAnna he knew she had a passion for life, but he had no idea how she would react to the fact that he has a son. We go back through their journey and watch the Grand Ty Reveal, the first kiss, the hometown date, you know, everything we’ve seen multiple times. We relive the time that Jason’s mom told not to have so much “body armor” that he would never fall in love again, and then Jason thanking DeAnna for showing him that he can, in fact, fall in love again.

Next we bounce over to The Riddler’s balcony and he is telling us that he never expected DeAnna to be the most amazing wonderful person he’s ever met in his life. What WAS it, exactly that all these guys were expecting? I mean, they came on a show with the end result being marriage, right? But none of them expected to meet someone they’d want to marry? It really makes me wonder how they got on the show. Like were they recruited? Anyway, we relive The Riddler jacket, the empty theater date, the carriage ride first kiss, and all the way through.

"Remember when Brad was here, Daddy?"

And it’s time for the two finalists to meet DeAnna’s family in Newnan, Georgia. They are going to DeAnna’s house where they will be joined by DeAnna’s father, brother and sister. Then DeAnna breaks some news to us: the memory of that terrible, horrible thing that Brad Womack did to her is not just fresh in her mind; it’s also fresh in her family’s minds. They met Brad when she brought him on HER hometown date and they honestly thought that she and Brad were meant to be together. This time around it’s not going to be so easy for these guys. My gosh, she makes it sound like she’s the only girl on earth (let alone on the show) who’s ever brought a guy home and then things didn’t work out. Her family is in agreement that since Brad had the audacity to reject DeAnna, these next two guys will not be welcomed with open minds and hearts – oh no, they will pay for Brad’s mistake. Sister Chrissy tells us privately that yes, they all thought that Brad would choose DeAnna and when he didn’t, it crushed DeAnna and it crushed their whole family. And as I recall being told on episode one, it also crushed America. World tragedy alert, people. DeAnna Pappas was broken up with. We’ve all had fair warning that this must NEVER happen again. DeAnna tells the fam that Jason is a single dad and that The Riddler is totally not her type because he has long hair.

"Do they know about what Brad did?"

Here is Jason, complete with bouquets – one for DeAnna and one for the family. DeAnna is in her element, which is being fawned over. Dad Greg Pappas tells Jason that he is going to be grilled to a crisp and that he’ll be very happy when he leaves. Sister Chrissy asks if Jason knows what happened with Brad. Uh, Chrissy? There’s no one on this green earth who doesn’t know what happened with Brad. Jason tells everyone that he has two brothers and was married for several years before his wife decided to leave him for someone else. Ah hah, another piece to the Jason puzzle. Also, he has a three-year-old son named Ty who lives with him MOST of the time. So still no total clarity on the custody situation. Greg Pappas tells us that Jason having a son is neither a pro nor a con, but it will mean that DeAnna has an insta-family and he’s not sure she’s ready for that. If by “that” you mean not being the Grand Center of the Universe, then I’d say no, she’s not ready for that. Over breakfast Jason brings out pictures of Ty to pass around and it is unanimously agreed upon that Ty is cute. Great, glad we got that straightened out.

Chrissy decides she needs some alone time with Jason, so she takes him in the other room to tell him all about what it was like when Brad dumped DeAnna. Are you serious, people? This is so ridiculously self-indulgent I can barely keep from vomiting. Jason promises that he really is in love with DeAnna. Chrissy wants to know why Jason is better than the other guy and Jason just refers again to his feelings for DeAnna. Chrissy wants to know if he will always take care of DeAnna. When Jason says that he’s never felt this way before, Chrissy asks what about when he got married? Ha! I’ve wanted to ask that, too. Jason says he THOUGHT he felt this way about the woman he married, but now he knows he REALLY feels this way about the woman he’s known for six weeks. Great.

In the kitchen DeAnna tells her dad and brother that she likes Jason because he is on the same page as she is, meaning he wants to be married with a family. He’s also a great father, so she’ll never have to worry about that.

"You DO know what Brad did, right?"

And Jason takes Greg Pappas outside to profess his undying devotion for DeAnna, who is the world’s most unbelievable young lady (according to her dad). Jason would like Greg’s permission to ask DeAnna to marry him. Greg says that no guy has ever had the guts to ask him before – even though supposedly Brad had him flown out to Los Angeles to do just that. Jason is ecstatic to learn that he is first to request DeAnna’s treasured hand in marriage. Yes, we’re thrilled for you, Jason. Greg says that he thinks Jason is a really special guy and that if DeAnna chooses him, they’ll have his blessing. Mazel tov. They proceed to putt some golf balls around the yard. Quick, Jason! Put one in your pocket for Ty!

Later DeAnna walks Jason to the car where they giggle and smooch and then she runs back in to see what her family thinks of him. The brother’s like, “He’s fine.” The sister goes, “He said he’s in love with you!” and the dad spills the beans that Jason asked permission to propose and that he was surprised. DeAnna says she would have been shocked if Jason HADN’T asked. Of course, DeAnna. Who isn’t dying to marry you?

Now it’s time for the Riddler to arrive and be punished for Brad’s fatal mistake. He tells us that as rad as it is to be meeting his possible future in-laws, it’s also totally nerve racking. The biggest surprise that The Riddler brings with him is a haircut. I didn’t even notice at first because it’s still shaggy and unkempt, but now that I focus, it IS quite a bit shorter.

"My haircut isn't rad."

Greg dives in, telling The Riddler that they want what’s best for DeAnna, so they need to get to know him. So let’s hear about snowboarding! The Riddler’s answer? “Snowboarding is, uh… something fun.” Next question: What are you going to do when your glory days end? We don’t get to hear The Riddler’s answer. I doubt there is one – besides the sports agent dream. Greg wants to know if The Riddler’s had any prior serious relationships and The Riddler proudly relates that he lived with a girlfriend for like two years, but they grew apart. I’m not really sure what that is supposed to prove, but okay. Greg warns The Riddler that if he ends up being chosen, he’d better be back in Georgia often. The Riddler’s just like, “Yes, yes…” When DeAnna walks him to the car she accuses him of being very nervous and he agrees. Then she reminds the nation that The Riddler isn’t the type of guy she usually dates. Really? I’m surprised you never mentioned that, DeAnna. Inside Greg tells DeAnna that he prefers Jason because Jason seemed more genuine and The Riddler didn’t ask for permission to marry DeAnna. DeAnna is, of course, completely dumbfounded that The Riddler didn’t ask. Traitor!

"He will be sorry."

Greg wonders if The Riddler is in the same place in his life that DeAnna is. What do you think, Greg? DeAnna is so desperate to get married that she’s on TV scraping up a husband and The Riddler’s plans go no further than snowboarding tomorrow.

The next day brings a fun-filled Bachelorette surprise – both guys are coming at the same time to meet DeAnna’s extended family! The Riddler arrives first, houseplant in hand, and dives once again into the snowboarding saga. Then the doorbell rings. GASP! There’s Jason doing a little dance at the door because he’s so excited to meet the grandparents. But the jig is up as he walks into the living room and the dreadful truth sets in. They both feel like idiots, as was the intention, and everyone tries to carry on as normal in this contrived set up. This is so stupid and would never happen, and I don’t really want to spend a whole lot of time on this crap, so I’ll just mention the important things.

The Riddler teaches DeAnna’s grandparents how to “nug,” or fist bump, the sister and sister-in-law remind The Riddler that Brad dumped DeAnna, the grandparents seem to prefer Jason, but the sister-in-law thinks that The Riddler is the most “real.” Real what? Real rad? Oh, also The Riddler works up the nerve to ask Greg for permission to propose, so now everyone has paid sufficient homage to DeAnna and her mighty father. And Greg tells The Riddler that he has to keep his hair cut if he’s going to be with DeAnna, then they “nug” and “blow it up,” meaning a fist bump followed by a flex of the entire hand. Very, very mature and classy.

After DeAnna does a dual walk to the car with the two guys, her family naturally has very little helpful advice. The sister seems to lean toward Jason while the sister-in-law leans toward The Riddler. The sister’s argument is that Jason is clearly ready and willing to settle down, which is what DeAnna claims to want. The sister-in-law says that Jason is way ahead of where DeAnna wants to be, that DeAnna is a free spirit, and that she should go with the snowboarder. DeAnna is simply clueless. And that’s the understatement of the century.

Embarking on the next segment we discover that Jeremy is back to plead his case once again. DeAnna tells us she wishes she could be like Brad and just run away from all of this, but since she is a much bigger, better person than Brad is, she will deign to let Jeremy speak with her one last time. This was clearly filmed before DeAnna’s hometown because Jeremy is still here in the Bahamas and he comes over to DeAnna’s hotel room to have it out with her. DeAnna has already turned on the waterworks when Jeremy knocks on the door. He tells her that she’s making a big mistake, he reminds her that his mom died, and begs her to reconsider.

"They said if I did this I could be the next Bachelor."

DeAnna bawls that Jeremy is everything she wanted on paper, but it’s just not in her heart to be with him. She tells him that she has deeper feelings for the other two guys, and she respects Jeremy too much to drag him along and lead him on as was so cruelly done to her. Jeremy turns to the producers and asks if he can go now that he did what they ordered and came back for one lest beg down. He’s excused. But like a good boy, he squats on the pavement and sobs.

The next day DeAnna meets The Riddler bright and early in front of a little seaplane for the day’s adventures. They fly over to a little secluded island where they wade from the plane to the beach. DeAnna very perceptively points into the water and says, “There’s fish!” Well done, DeAnna. It looks like mostly what they spend the day doing is making out on the beach, then making out in the water, then they take a boat back to the main island and their hotel. The Riddler presents DeAnna with his Last Chance Gift, which is a photo album of their time together, along with little notes written for every picture. It does not look like a guy’s handwriting to me, but whatever. It’s probably the same production assistant who does the Date Box notes.

Snowboarding scrapbook artist - he'll be a great mom.

He reads her all the notes then tells her that he’s totally ready to settle down and spend the rest of his life with her and that he’s in love with her. She just sits there basking and they kiss. She tells us that she wouldn’t stoop to telling The Riddler that she loves him back, because some unnamed person once did that to her and then left her alone. She’s going to do the decent thing and wait to the very end to say she loves someone. Yes, I’m sure that will make all the difference in the world, DeAnna.

And now it’s Jason’s turn! He trots up to meet DeAnna where she tells him they are going scuba diving. But DeAnna has a dirty little trick up her sleeve, which is the fact that they will actually be going diving with sharks. As they dive into the water holding hands, DeAnna tells us that Jason is surprising her by being brave, daring, etc. When it’s time to hang with the sharks, they both kneel down on the ocean floor holding hands and not moving at all. This doesn’t seem very fun to me. Those sharks are huge! But now they’ve bonded over a death-defying adventure, so there’s that. And back at the hotel, Jason tells DeAnna that he wants her to be able to ask him anything, to which she responds that she has nothing to ask. Oh right, because you already know everything there possibly is to know about him in these few short weeks. Jason breaks out his Last Chance Gift, which is a board game he’s designed called “Eight Roses.” This is a game that takes them through all the dates they’ve been on and they reenact all of their cute little moments.

Lose a turn for throwing a tantrum...

That’s really sweet and I wonder if he did this on his own. His handwriting actually looks masculine. DeAnna draws a card that tells her to ask Jason to tell her something new, and this is where he makes his grand declaration of love and DeAnna is once again in her element – being adored.

"It's like warm sunlight on my shoulders."

But again, she doesn’t tell him she loves him. She’s being fair, you know! DeAnna tells us she doesn’t know what she’s going to do or how she is going to sleep because she’s in love with two guys. In love with two guys! What will she ever do?

In the morning DeAnna goes over for the millionth time what it is she loves about Jason and The Riddler. Jason is very settled and perfect and The Riddler totally surprised her and changed her mind. She also ponders that today she’s in the same place that Brad Womack was in when he broke her heart. My gosh, is this whole thing really just all about Brad? I’ve heard more about Brad on this episode alone than I did during his entire season as the Bachelor.

Jason goes ring shopping and picks out a huge round diamond surrounded by two smaller round diamonds. He says it’s classic, yet modern, like DeAnna. Puke. On his way out of the ring store he tosses a coin in a fountain for good luck. So corny.

Option A

The Riddler has to stop and put his head between his knees on his way to the jeweler. He takes this as a sign that he’s really in love. Um, what? He chooses a princess cut diamond with tiny diamonds on the band and tells us this symbolizes forever. Sure it does.

Option B

DeAnna primps and frets over telling someone she loves goodbye. She’s about to make someone feel the way Brad made her feel! Yes you are, DeAnna – how did you think this would end? The guys both look at their rings and yammer. DeAnna gets in the limo and tells us she’s found the love of her life and someone who makes her want to be a better person.

Chris Harrison walks DeAnna to Proposal Platform and she’s wearing a really ugly dress. She tells us that she’s 100% sure about her decision and she’s expecting a proposal today. Up comes the first limo and out climbs… Jason. WHAT?! Oh this should be good. How are you going to explain this, DeAnna? First, Jason does the slow walk up to the Platform telling us how excited and in love he is. When he gets to her she hugs him and then just lets him talk. He tells her he’s wearing an orange tie, which was Ty’s idea, and that it symbolizes a Georgia peach. Oh, this sucks. He lunges down to one knee and DeAnna pulls him up, saying, “No, I can’t.” She tells him how much she cares about him and how perfect he is and that she’d always be safe with him, but she’s in love with somebody else.

If you look closely, you can actually see his heart snapping.

Of course Jason doesn’t really know what to say. He starts questioning everything and DeAnna insists that she meant everything she’s ever told him and that she’d be so lucky to be with him, but her heart is somewhere else. This sounds very similar to Jeremy’s rejection speech. Jason says he really did fall in love with her and that he’ll miss her. Then she has to walk him and his ring back to the limo. On his Ride of Shame Jason just says he’s shocked and that he was ready to be in love again. He concludes that she wants an alternative world. She thought she wanted safety and security, but she wants to live on the edge. You know, that’s a good point. DeAnna has given us a thousand sermons about how she is totally serious about settling down and starting a life with someone and then she goes and picks the snowboarder with no future plans? It doesn’t quite add up.

And speaking of Mr. No Plans, it’s now The Riddler’s turn.

"I really hope it snows tonight."

But first, DeAnna has to tell us that she knows exactly how Jason feels today being sent away. An evil person once sent her away, you know. Now she’s happy because she is absolutely positive that she has found the right guy. And here he is emerging from his final limo ride. On his slow walk to the Proposal Platform he keeps telling us how nervous he is. When he gets up there she just sits there and lets him talk. He gives a huge speech about how he never expected this to be so real, but he’s in love with her and can’t imagine not being with her. He wants to spend forever with her and she’s his soul mate. DeAnna still just sits there like an idiot. Then he drops down and says, “DeAnna Marie Pappas, will you spend forever with me?”

"Cause that would be really rad."

Notice he didn’t say, “Will you marry me?” She finally pipes up and says yes. He gives her the ring and now it’s her turn to speak. She says she wouldn’t be okay without him in her life and she loves him. She’s waited so long to say that. She wants to spend the rest of her life with him. And now the montage of their entire journey set to the tune of Natasha Beddingfield and the song she sang on their date in the empty theater. The Riddler gets the final rose! How special. And I do mean special.

"We are the winners! Nug!"

So I think this is nuts. DeAnna thinks it’s adorable that she’s going to marry the guy with the pink shoelaces. Are you kidding? I think she chose the one who would be the easiest out. It would be a much bigger deal to call off an engagement with Jason because Ty would be involved and it would end up making her look like a huge witch. But this way, she can always point to the fact that The Riddler wasn’t quite sure what he wanted in life, and she really needs someone with some stability and some decision making skills. I don’t know, that’s one of my theories. UGH!

"See America? THIS is how you end The Bachelor/ette."

I’ve just about reached my threshold with DeAnna and her antics, but I’ll list some highlights from After The Final Rose and then leave you to discuss in the comments.

- Jason is shocked and confused at not having received the final rose, of course. He wonders why DeAnna let him actually kneel down before cluing him in.

- DeAnna has to fess up to the fact that she did, in fact, treat someone the way Brad treated her, and that someone is Jason. She says that she now has complete compassion for one Brad Womack, which is a total 180. She bawls and says she never meant to hurt Jason. I don’t know how she can show her face after how many times we had it crammed down our throats that Brad is the most evil person on earth.

- DeAnna says that what she wanted changed throughout the course of the show. She started out thinking that she wanted one thing, but ended up wanting another. Hmm, another thing she crucified Brad for. Changing his mind or being indecisive about what he wanted.

- Jason says he would have given anything to have DeAnna look at him the way she looked at The Riddler… or Graham. BUSTED, DeAnna! The whole world knows it.

- Some girls in the audience scream out “We love you, Jason!” Oh geez.

- Uh, Matt and Shayne come back to rub it in everyone’s faces that they’re still together, at least technically. Shayne still hits the town with her guy friends and Matt’s fine with that. He’s busy getting head shots and begging Shayne’s agent to sign him. This is the biggest sack of crap I’ve seen since the last segment. NEXT!

- DeAnna claims that she and The Riddler will be friends with Jason for a LONG time. I beg to differ.

- The Riddler jogs onstage and does a Tom Cruise bounce over the couch. DeAnna screams, “Honey, look at you!” Oh, these two are worse than I imagined. They keep looking at each other and saying “I love you.” It’s like they’re trying to prove it to everyone.

- Chris reveals that The Riddler was very reluctant to come on the show. What? What does this mean? This furthers my theory about these guys being recruited.

- We keep getting teased about this big “surprise announcement” that the happy couple is going to make and when they finally make it it’s that they’ve set a wedding date for next year. Chris asks both sets of parents if they’re shocked to learn not only that their kids are engaged, but also, they’re getting married! I know that’s so weird! What’s next, they’re having a wedding? Wonders never cease.

- DeAnna says she can only thank Brad every day for the decision he made. I’m SURE Brad feels the same way, DeAnna. Positive.

- Chris presents them with a honeymoon trip to Greece as a gift. Uh oh. I wonder if they can still take it after they call off the wedding.

So that’s it! We’re finally done with DeAnna. I’m dying to hear what you guys think of all this. Thanks for making this season worth it with all of your awesome contributions. You guys are THE BEST! Fire away!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta