The Bachelor: Keeping Abreast of the Crazy

"Whose heart shall I break tonight?"

Tonight on The Bachelor, we reenact National Lampoon's Vacation, then Jason feels up eight of the girls and finds out that one of them loves bears. Can't wait? Me neither, come on!

Chris Harrison pays a special visit to the ladies in their jammies hanging out in the living room of the Mansion of Desperation. This week there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates. There will be roses in question on each date, but remember! If you go on a one-on-one date, pack your crap because you could be on a plane back to Lonelyville in a matter of minutes. Also remember, not everyone will be so fortunate as to go on a date this week. He pulls an envelope out of his pants and drops it on the table, wishing everyone luck. What happened to our elaborate date boxes? Remember the days when the note was only the beginning and the girls would also get dress-up outfits and props for their dates? What's with the skimping? I do not appreciate. I want some feather boas and Barbie horses, darn it!

"A special treat from my trousers, ladies!"

Lauren grabs the note and reads with much to-do... Stephanie! "Come play with me. -J." Do you see what a cute, down-home kind of guy Jason is? He doesn't go by "Jason," which is just so formal and ridiculous. Oh no. It's "J" for the lovely ladies so they'll feel at ease. What a guy! Stephanie jumps around screaming "Finally!" Yes Stephanie. It has been one whole round and you haven't had a date yet. I just don't know how you survived. Megan has a little pity party because she didn't leave her son and come all this way to NOT get a one-on-one with Jason. Interesting entitlement theory, Megan. Tell us more. Actually, don't.

In the car on her way to her date, Stephanie calls her little girl to wish her a happy birthday. Poor little girl. First her dad takes a flight to heaven and now her mom goes on a date instead of giving her a birthday party. Stephanie clears all this up by saying that her husband is looking down from heaven happy that Sophia (the little girl) might be getting a daddy figure. Okay, maybe, but do you really think he had The Bachelor in mind?

Jason is waiting to take Stephanie for a walk on the beach. He tells us that they have a fabulous connection because they both have painful pasts. Uh, ok. He tells Stephanie that he knows she gave up a lot to be here, and Stephanie grabs both of his hands and gives her heartfelt speech about possibly finding this wonderful role model and daddy for Sophia. Jason's like, "Whatever. So you didn't talk to her today, then?" Awkward. Then he points to something behind Stephanie and when she turns around Sophia is there running toward her. Aw, that's actually really sweet. They kind of slam into each other and then roll around in the sand. Stephanie is understandably elated and Sophia is understandably - well, confused.

"Who are all those people, mommy?"

Jason is off to the side tearing up nicely for the cameras.

"Are you close enough in on my tear ducts?"

They frolic on the beach for a while trying out what a cute little family they'd make. Stephanie keeps telling us how grateful she is to Jason for bringing Sophia to her, but really. How much did Jason have to do with this? He just shrugged and said, "ok" when the producers told him the plan, come on.

Next they dress Sophia up in a ball gown and take her to... Legoland. I always wear my prom dress to theme parks. I have to say here that Legoland is looking today exactly how Wally World looked when the Griswalds arrived from their cross country road trip. That is, closed. There's a giant talking lego at the gates telling them sorry, but Legoland is being cleaned and repaired for the season. Jason punches the giant lego and runs off to buy a BB gun. When he returns he finds a security guard to take hostage and forces him to take the three of them on all the rides they want. It's a private day at the park!

Hail Marty Moose!

Jason tells us Sophia is a lot like Ty because they are both small children who like to have fun and like toys. You don't say! Sophia gets into her swimsuit and they set her loose to run around the water park portion of Legoland all by herself (sounds fun) and Jason and Stephanie have a sit down. They talk about Ty and they talk about Sophia and they talk about dating and blah, blah, blah. Stephanie says she's really just looking for a man she can take care of. That's interesting. Not someone to take care of her, but someone she can take care of? Sophia is repeatedly squirted in the face as she runs through the jumping fountains.

Back home another non-date-box is arriving. Naomi does the honors: "Shannon, Naomi, Melissa, Kari, Jillian, Nikki, Erica and Megan. Let's get busted for a good cause. -J." Molly, Lauren and Natalie are irritated and extremely worried because all that is left is a one-on-one. What could all of this possibly mean?

And over at Legoland Sophia has changed into her fourth outfit of the day, which is a little Scottish lass motif. Jason strides up with a lego rose and says he's had an amazing time today and offers Stephanie the rose. She, of course, almost eats it and they bring out a birthday cake for Sophia. Oh Jason is a great guy! He even got a birthday cake for the little girl after holding the theme park hostage! The police have arrived to escort everyone off the premises so it is time for Stephanie to bid Sophia a fond farewell.

"Mommy's going away for a very long time..."

The next day Jason arrives at the Mansion of Desperation to take eight girls on what he describes as a "sexy date." This is the one where they will be getting busted for a good cause. Didn't Jason do that yesterday at Legoland? The girls are all sporting pastel cocktail dresses - Melissa's barely covers her hoo-hah - and they pile into a limo. Lauren and Natalie take this opportunity to complain and trash talk everyone. Natalie, for one, is glad she didn't go to get busted because all of those girls are really annoying and besides, she has a hunch that Jason has a spectacular date in store just for her. Well excuse all of us, Natalie.

It's a good thing everyone wore pastel cocktail dresses because they pull up to a tiny art gallery. On display are multiple sculptures of female torsos. Jason announces that today they will be working with an organization called Keep Abreast, which advocates breast cancer awareness and prevention. Everyone will have a plaster mold made of their torsos, then they will paint them and auction them off for money to go to Keep Abreast. Jason is such a super sensitive guy! He very generously offers to go first and demonstrate to everyone how you stand still while someone smears paste on you. Before the paste, however, comes baby oil and so Melissa and Erica stomp over the other girls, pulling hair and screaming, on their way to reach Jason and help him with his baby oil rub down. The girls simultaneously go into a hypnotic trance as the glory that is Jason stands around shirtless.

"Ladies, ladies, there's plenty of perfect to go around!"

Everyone strips down now and gets plastered. Jillian proudly tells us that she is totally comfortable naked and she has no problem displaying her body for a good cause. You know, like Hustler. It's very tasteful and it raises awareness.

"Plus it proves I'm beautiful!"

Jason magnanimously volunteers to help put plaster strips on Melissa's boobs. What a sweetheart. Cyber Stalker Shannon sees this and insists that Jason help her as well. He doesn't seem very excited, but he does it anyway because he is a hero. As the girls sit and brainstorm how to paint their boob sculptures, Megan says she wants to paint a fetus on hers because they feed off of breasts. Huh? Wait there's more. She gives the following speech: "I really think some girls are as shallow as the kiddie pool and I don't even think they understand half of my depth or where it comes from. I think they think it's weird. I mean, yes, I'm an artsy person, but really I just have depth." She settles definitely on her fetus idea because, as she says, "If everybody's going to have breast cancer and their children can't be breast fed, then our future is screwed." Megan? Not everybody is going to have breast cancer. And Megan? Children have actually survived without being breast fed. I'm just sayin. But please go ahead and paint your fetus - even though a fetus doesn't breast feed because it hasn't been born yet. And I apologize in advance for not having a grasp on your overwhelming depth.

"Look DEEP into my fetus."

Later Jason takes the girls to what looks like someone's living room and they are going to hang out and take turns talking to Jason. First up is Melissa and Jason is falling all over himself telling her what a great job she did standing still today. Melissa's like, "Aw shucks, I'm so critical of myself." But guess what you guys. She has a giant secret to share with Jason (and America). When she was 17 she had a breast reduction. I think in all of the English language, "breast reduction" are two of the words guys least like to hear. Jason's like, "Why?!" Melissa explains that she was a 20 double F. At least I think that's what she says. Is this really second date conversation? I mean, this isn't something that could have waited a little longer? I guess it fits because today is Boob Day on The Bachelor, but still. Jason doesn't really know what to do with this information and I get the feeling he's starting to regret ever signing up to be The Bachelor. What's with these girls and all of their problems, anyway? He thought he just got to be the center of attention for a while. Really all Jason can come up with in response to the breast reduction bomb is to ponder over how much bigger Melissa's sculpture could have been today.

"So you did it on purpose then?"

Cyber Stalker Shannon is with the rest of the girls pouting over not being alone with Jason. She announces that this was only her first date with Jason and she took her clothes off and he rubbed her boobs. Oh Shannon, you are a prize. Megan sits down with Jason to discuss her fetus painting and she tells him that all she could think about while she was painting is other people because she is such a giver. She is a role model to young girls because she can't stand living without someone praising God that she is in their life. I wish I could understand Megan better, but unfortunately she is just so out of my depth.

Nikki sits down next and talks about how much she loved painting a mold of her boobs. Jason's like, "Okay..." then they run out of things to say. D'oh!

And at the mansion the doorbell rings and Stephanie walks into the living room carrying a date card on a tray like she's about to serve tea. Lauren, Molly and Natalie are aflutter. Which of them will get the one-on-one date? Which of them will be left brokenhearted? Wait for it... it's Natalie! "Wear your best dress and I'll do the rest. -J." Natalie is very smug and decides she needs to start getting ready RIGHT NOW!

Jillian takes Jason to some random room with a bed (where ARE they?) and they have a contest to see who can jump the highest. Is this what Canadians do on Friday nights? Then she sits down with her legs splayed in her little cocktail dress and pontificates on the meaning of marriage.

"So for the wedding I think I'd wear my hair up like this..."

I'm sorry I dozed off for a minute. What's happening? Oh they're taking a tour of their artwork. How not interesting. Cyber Stalker Shannon just can't control herself and she grabs Jason in a huge hug in front of everyone. Is this date over yet? Almost. Jason has to award the rose. He makes a speech about how fun it was to get to feel all of their boobs and gives the rose to Jillian. Wow, Jillian is certainly a frontrunner here. It must be that Canadian charm. Nikki cries and tells us that she knows she's pretty and she knows she's smart, but being smart and pretty aren't enough. She also has to be funny and natural. Or just not psycho, Nikki. Like stop dusting in your crown. Or something.

Bright and early the next morning, Jason shaves and tells us that he picked Natalie for this next date because he's extremely attracted to her and she's fun, but he wants to find out who she truly is inside. So he's planned something just for her that he thinks she'll enjoy more than the rest of the girls would. When he arrives the girls have all strategically put on either work out gear or a bikini so that Jason can wish he was taking them on the date instead of Natalie. And speaking of Miss Thing, she is up in her room trying to decide what shoes to wear. Then she sprays something all over her legs and massages it in. Um, Natalie? I thought you started getting ready last night when the date card arrived. What are you doing? Downstairs Jason is a tad put out because this is his show and he didn't sign up to wait for anyone - that was last season. When at long last Natalie emerges, Jason makes a show of spinning her around and saying she's missing something. Oh gee, what could it be? Well here comes a teamster carrying a steel briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, and I'm guessing there's borrowed jewelry in there.

Luca Brasi

Sure enough, Jason announces that Natalie will be sporting over a million dollars worth of diamonds this evening. As he fastens on the bracelet and necklace, Nikki butts in with YET ANOTHER confessional about how immature Natalie is and how not ready to be a mom she is. Surely all this jewelry is proof of that. As Jason whisks Natalie out the door the other girls contemplate suicide.

Jason and Natalie take a limo to the airport where a private jet awaits to take them to Las Vegas. They immediately start drinking and toasting each other. When they land in Vegas there is a helicopter waiting for them. Are the producers aware that the Strip is like 5 minutes from the airport? I guess that is beside the point because they get a little scenic flight of Vegas and the nearby Hoover Dam. Natalie is the luckiest girl in the world right now. Jason thinks she's hot, but he's got to find out if there's anything more. Yes, you said that Jason. He's very touchy with Natalie and keeps exclaiming over how beautiful she looks. He even tells us that he feels like James Bond escorting her into the restaurant. She is just so flippin hot! But this is about seeing if they are compatible. He asks her what he should know about her and she tells him this: "I've always been the cute sporty girl who loves clothes." Seriously Natalie? This is what you say to a guy with a three-year-old son? Jason's like, "What else?" Any deep thoughts in there Nat? "I love bears." This is honestly what she says. She loves bears. So much, in fact, that once as a small child she lost a stuffed bear in a store and it became such a commotion that it was in the newspaper. Jason wishes that he had brought the engagement ring along on this date, because what else is there to know? I guess just this: Natalie loves to party, but she knows that she was totally put here to be a mom. So figure that one out. Now where's that ring?

"And let's see, I'm really good at like, stuff."

Jason's continuing adventures include heading over to Jet nightclub, which is totally empty. What fun is that? Who wants to hang out in an empty room? Funny story about Jet nightclub. I was there with a couple of girlfriends once and there is always a huge crowd out in front. Well, one of the security guys picked us out and let us through the ropes and pointed us into the club. On our way in we were stopped by another security guy who wanted the cover charge. See, in L.A., this is where negotiation begins, so we said something like, "Oh we're not paying tonight," and the guy said, "Right this way," and had us step to the right. We were all thinking, "Wow that was easy," and then they opened the door for us and shoved us out into the night. Oh snap! It was one of those moments when you're realize you're not as hot as you thought you were five minutes ago. Jet nightclub. Denied! Anyhoodle, let's see how much fun Jason and Natalie aren't having there.

They discuss their favorite part of the date so far (snore), which for Natalie is the helicopter ride and for Jason is the look on Natalie's face when she saw the diamonds. I guess Jet isn't totally empty because here is Kate Vogel to give them a private performance. I'm pretty much typing with my nose right now, that's how boring this is. Jason wishes once again that Natalie would show a little substance because she is so hot and sexy and he really wishes he could justify his insane lust. But alas, he cannot. He sits her down and picks up the rose. She starts squirming around, ready to accept it with all of her heart, then Jason tells her that this is one of the best dates he's ever been on. He's so impressed with all of her qualities, her heart, her ability to give, just everything. BUT... he can't give her the rose. There just aren't enough commonalities, you see. Jason is the most perfect guy on earth while Natalie is still exploring who she is.

"Absolu - huh?"

Natalie says she's ready to be a wife and a mom and she's sick of getting stereotyped by her appearance. Your appearance? Natalie, it's not your hair. It's the fact that you're the cute sporty girl who loves clothes and bears. That has nothing to do with what you look like - you said it! You stereotyped yourself! She tells Jason she can't believe he's sending her home while there are some really mean girls still at the house. He tells her that if he could have sent some of them home first he would have. She goes, "Whatever." (At home the girls scream their heads off as the luggage guy takes Natalie's crap away. They are so over her.) Natalie berates Jason for being so sneaky as to pick up the rose like he was going to give it to her - she's interrupted by our teamster friend who marches up to rip the necklace and bracelet right off of her. She's really mad about the diamonds, which is dumb because she would have had to give them back either way, right? You know, the borrowed jewelry date is the kiss of death. The girl who goes on that one never comes back. On her Ride of Shame (our first of the season!) Natalie studies her nails and tells us she knows she's going to be an awesome mom. In fact, she could be a mom tomorrow, that's how ready she is. Furthermore, Jason must have been intimidated by her because she is super attractive - yeah I wish people would just stop stereotyping her already. Then she has some choice words for Jason which are bleeped right out. We'll miss you, Natalie.

It's Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Time! As Jason walks up to the Mansion of Desperation he tells us that he intends to find out who these mean girls are that Natalie was alluding to. He's not about to be with someone who is causing fights. Carry on, Sherlock Holmes. Apparently tonight's party is going to be interrogations of each of the girls to find out who the evil ones could possibly be. First up is Naomi, who just says that she's not surprised Natalie is gone because she wasn't right for Jason, and now she wants to talk about their own relationship (much to Jason's disappointment). Naomi's big talking point of the evening is that she's only slept with one guy and it was her ex-boyfriend, but she can totally see herself sleeping with Jason. Jason's still just interested in finding the drama queens, so he dismisses Naomi and moves on.

Nikki is up next and I'm really not in the mood to hear again about how mature and mom-ready she is. Thank goodness tonight she talks about her organizational skills (this after proclaiming she wanted to show Jason her fun side), and then she gets her first kiss. It's kind of awkward because at first she tries to give Jason a demure little peck on the cheek, but he grabs her face and kisses her on the mouth. Ok, what's next?

Erica tells Jason she really wants to be here, but it makes her nervous that she hasn't been singled out for any roses on their dates. Jason has no helpful advice. Molly tells Jason that she's starting to get butterflies around him, but she loves that feeling. Is she insane? But back to business! Jason brings up Natalie's reference to the evil girls in the house, but assures Molly he doesn't think she's one of them. Well, that's a relief and I'm glad we cleared it up. More kissing.

Inside Cyber Stalker Shannon is feeling nauseated so she's either drinking too much or having a physical reaction to the lack of internet in the mansion. Jason takes her for a chat and she just sits there bawling and saying how much she wants to be with him, boo hoo hoo. And PS, she's SO ready to be a mom. Stephanie and Jason rehash their date and then Stephanie has him close his eyes while she kisses him on both cheeks and the forehead, thanking him for hijacking Legoland for her and showing her she can love again. Then they kiss.

Finally Jason has found a willing participant in his Sherlock Holmes game, and that is... Lauren. Lauren is just itching to fill Jason in on how awful the other girls are. Megan's super worried because she knows she's mean. Lauren says that Erica is a loser for living with her parents and that Megan is totally evil. Jason promises he won't say a word. Oh here is Chris tapping his glass, thank goodness.

When the girls line up to see who will get roses, Chris tells them that he knows there is drama going on in the house, and to keep it going, he's inviting each and every one of them to speak up right now and say anything that they think Jason needs to know - in front of everyone. Erica and Nikki both claim that the person causing the most drama was Natalie and now she's gone. Sure, they've had some trouble, but they're working on it like adults. Megan, however, does not agree. She's sure that Lauren threw her under the bus as far as Jason is concerned. Lauren pipes up, saying that Natalie's feelings would have been hurt if she had seen how gleeful the girls were at her departure. The conversation descends into high pitched tones that only dogs can hear and suddenly Cyber Stalker Shannon slumps off to the bathroom and pukes. Okay, honestly, I've had about all I can take, so I'm going to skip over to the roses. Remember, Stephanie and Jillian have roses, and here is how the rest go: Molly, Lauren, Melissa, Naomi, Cyber Stalker Shannon, Nikki, Ladies, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready. And the rose goes to... Megan! Erica and Kari are out of here! Poor Kari, she seemed pretty sweet.

Kari says that she came here to fall in love with Jason and be a stepmom to Ty, but she's learned from this experience that she can't hold back.

"Maybe if I'd had a breast reduction..."

Erica says she's disappointed. Megan was causing drama, but she (Erica) is just a real girl who likes to get down and dirty and rough, and too bad, so sad.

"Jason is the love of my life and I'm brokenhearted."

Jason toasts the remainders.

Next week the girls have to sing for Jason - please no. Molly gets to have a pretend camping date with Jason in his backyard, and then everyone gets to visit the set of General Hospital. Melissa and Cyber Stalker Shannon both cry to Jason and then Jason refuses to give out the final rose. Should be good, folks, see you then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta