The Bachelor: Who'd Make a Great Mom?

"Let me get a look at those birthing hips..."

Ah, here we go with week two of The Bachelor. We have whittled it down from the Trashy Twenty Five to the Fortunate Fifteen and this week it's time to start nit picking those ones to death and sending them off one by one, forever ending their chances of ever finding true love. Let's go!

We join Jason this week helping Ty pack his little suitcase. Oh what a paragon of charm and family our Bachelor is this season! He has a little boy with a little suitcase and he's helping him pack it - just like any perfect father would. But wait just a darn second. I thought that Ty was here in Los Angeles accompanying Jason on his quest for a stepmommy because Jason couldn't stand being away from him. I could have sworn that's what ABC sold us last week. So here it is, only one day removed from the first Grand Elimination and Jason is already helping Ty pack? What happened? Did Ty refuse to be perfect? Did he have an accident in his big boy underpants? Or did someone finally come to their senses and realize that this is an absurd situation to bring a small child into? Jason tells us that even though he wishes Ty could stay here for the whole thing, the best thing for him will be to go home to Seattle and spend some time with his mom. Ah, Ty's mysterious mother - the one who ruined the life of the most perfect man on earth and did it with such panache that said man got full custody of shared offspring. Will we ever find out what went on there? But now Jason is back to business! Which of these 15 amazing women will be special enough to bring into Ty's life?

"Should I just choose Uncle Chris Harrison?"

First things first, and that means that the Fortunate Fifteen move themselves right on in to the Mansion of Desperation guided by none other than your favorite host and mine, Chris Harrison. The girls all scream and run through the house, looking at the pool where they will spend most of their time (with Jason nowhere near), and checking out the stairs that one or more of them is sure to fall down. Chris gives them about 10 seconds and then calls them all into the living room for a chat.

"Who? What? Why?"

You see, here is how things work on The Bachelor. There are group dates and there are one-on-one dates. On each date there will be a rose in question. A rose? What on earth could that mean? Glad you asked. If you are presented with a rose that means that you will live to see another date with Jason - and that date, too, will contain a rose. And so on and so forth until one of you is twirling in Jason's arms atop the Proposal Platform wearing the product placement engagement ring. Cross your fingers, girls! One more thing: if you are so extremely fortunate as to be invited on a one-on-one date with Mr. Wonderful, you must have your bags packed because if you do not get the rose you are OUT. Game over. (Collective gasps at this news - apparently these girls haven't paid as much attention as we have, beloved readers.) And now instead of whipping out the first of many date boxes, Chris Harrison makes YET ANOTHER startling announcement... Not everyone will go on a date with Jason every week, which leads to even more astounded gasping. All right girls, that's enough screaming and gasping. Now off to the pool with you! Cocktails await!

Thankfully Jason has a sneaky surprise up his sleeve and that is that he is going to drop by unannounced to join the girls in their poolside inebriation. Why not? Ty's in Seattle with his mom! As he saunters into the backyard, screaming hysteria ensues. OMG, some of the girls aren't even wearing makeup! I could just die! Jason says he's excited to get to know everyone because one of them is going to be his wife. At this announcement Cyber Stalker Shannon almost faints and drowns in the pool.

Jason pulls Megan aside to find out how she's feeling after the girls tried to vote her off the island the first night. Megan says she feels awkward because she's not sure if she got a rose because Jason wants her there, or just because the other girls DON'T want her there. Jason assures her that she would have gotten a rose either way, but who knows? What's he going to say - "No, I was just as surprised as you about that rose?"

"Yeah, that was wild when they made me give you that..."

Now Jason puts his baby toe in the water and all of the girls go into cardiac arrest because this must mean he's ABOUT TO TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF! Ugh, ABC does us all a disservice by showing Jason removing his shirt in ultra slow motion set to swelling music, as if this is the high point of everyone's life and the universe in general. Gross, we've seen it. Remember? He was at the gym working out last week? Then he took a shower? Not to mention that he appeared shirtless in multiple dates with DeAnna last season, but now suddenly this is the treat of the century? No thanks. The girls, however, disagree with me and go on and on about how dreamy he is.

I beg you.

Weeee! Jason picks up one of the girls and throws her in the pool! How silly and adorable! What an incredible guy. Oh, what's this? Jillian is climbing onto his shoulders to have a chicken fight! This is just so much fun! Jason and Jillian actually stop for a little food break and revisit the whole hot dog theory from last week. Jillian admits that she thought Jason would be a ketchup guy, meaning she thought he was a mamma's boy. Jason pretends to be slightly offended, then secretly texts his mom that everything is going great so far. Jillian tells Jason she's just glad he didn't pick "sauer-krote" because "Once you're krote, you're oat." Canadians.

Cyber Stalker Shannon pulls Jason aside to rub suntan lotion on him and she tells us that touching his bare shoulders was a gift. A gift? Does she mean like Paula Abdul is a gift? Wait, there's more. Shannon is truly ready to be a mother, and do you know why? Because all of her friends are married and three of them are pregnant! What? Call it off, right now! Ty, we've found your new mommy! The search is over - Shannon's friends are all married! She's obviously ready to move to Seattle and adopt a child!

Elsewhere in the Mansion of Desperation the doorbell rings and a gaggle of bathing beauties scamper to see who it could be. It's a rose with a letter to Jason. And you know what that means - the fun is over. Jason's note instructs him to give the rose to the woman he would like to spend a romantic evening with TONIGHT. The girls all start to cry and throw up, so Jason takes the rose and stashes it off to the side so that the girls will go back to normal. They don't of course.

Lauren pulls Jason off to tell him how much anxiety all of this is causing her and wants to know how he got through it when he was on the other side of things. He tells her that he just had as much fun as he possibly could. Oh, to be a guy and not have to worry about pesky things like emotions! What's the problem Lauren? Just have fun! Never mind that you are setting yourself up for televised humiliation! Well, it seems that this little conversation has gone on for too long because all of the girls in the pool start screaming out "Jason!" in unison to put a stop to Lauren and her tales of self-doubt.

Naomi takes a turn and tells Jason that she's impressed that he does charity work, because guess what. So does she! This announcement is interrupted by flying ice cubes which are being hurled up at them from Cyber Stalker Shannon down below. Natalie sits down with Jason at the pool and starts telling him about her nephews (wouldn't she be a great mom?) when Stephanie comes over to offer Jason a drink and a chat. Natalie, however, refuses to be interrupted and keeps right on yammering. Stephanie finally nudges Jason and asks him to come and talk to her whenever he is finished here. How very un-Bachelor like. To actually allow a competitor to finish her conversation? Very magnanimous, Stephanie.

Jason decides that now is the moment to bestow the precious rose on some very lucky lady. I'm kind of rooting for Stephanie just because she was polite. Although I do still think she looks like she came off of a nighttime soap opera. Jason gives a mini speech about how much fun he's having and then gives the rose to Jillian, the Canadian hot dog girl. Really? He tells her that they don't have much time to get ready, so go, go, go!

Lauren takes this opportunity to tell us that she has done pageants! She is competitive and likes to win! Pageants, Lauren? That was your big ace in the hole? Natalie takes this opportunity to slam herself into the bathroom and sob and Raquel takes this opportunity to try and comfort Natalie.

"But doesn't he realize I'm an AUNT?"

Then Lauren reconsiders and informs us that she is actually GLAD she didn't get the rose because she wouldn't have had nearly enough time to do her hair and she would have had to wear it curly. Oh the horror, Lauren. I'm so glad that you and all of us were spared that monstrosity. You would have been sent home, no question.

And speaking of that big first date that Lauren is so grateful not to be on, Jason and Jillian are currently arriving in their limo at the Disney Concert Hall in downtown Los Angeles. I smell an empty venue with a private performance coming up that will be described as the most romantic thing in the whole world! First, though, they walk through the concert hall and stop on a roof somewhere to have some champagne. Jillian keeps saying, "Get oat!" because she designs restaurants and the Disney Concert Hall is a feat of architecture, and those two things have much to do with each other, in case you didn't realize. They discuss Jason's "nice guy" status, and Jillian declares that she's dated enough "sour-krotes." Again with the sour-krote? Inside awaits the predicted private performance, and this one is starring Robin Thicke. As he dives into his first number Jillian shows how spunky she is by jumping up and dancing with Jason. Wow, she'd make a great mom!

Back at the Mansion of Desperation, the girls watch TV and surf the interweb. Just kidding! They are completely cut off from the outside world and are only allowed to eat, sleep and breathe Jason, don't you know? They speculate on how late Jason and Jillian will be out on their date and wonder if they'll kiss. Just then the doorbell rings and it is an invitation for... Melissa! Our Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader gets the second one-on-one date! I am so surprised, aren't you? The note says, "Melissa - let's take our relationship to new heights. -J." Much screaming all around of course, and Melissa squeals to the camera that she won't be sleeping tonight.

Meanwhile at Disney Concert Hall Robin Thicke has launched into a very loud slow number and Jason and Jillian are still dancing away. Jillian tells us that this is one of the most intimate dates she's ever been on. Wow. Her other dates must have included much larger camera crews because this is anything but intimate. Anyway, they keep staring into each other's eyes - the way you do when true love is blossoming - and then they kiss. And kiss. And kiss. All right, that's enough. Jillian says that tonight took their relationship to a whole new level. Relationship? Was there an old level?

>

"Sooory abooot that."

The next morning Jillian is happy to share details of her date with the rest of the girls. When she admits that she and Jason kissed, Melissa feels a wave of panic and sulks off to pack her bags in case her date ends rose-less. On her way into the limo, Melissa tells us that she's not good at dating because she was in a relationship from age 17 to 22 and then didn't date for three years, which brings us to now. That's rather interesting and I will admit, a bit unexpected. Melissa is dropped off at a beach where Jason is waiting for her and Jason tells us that Melissa is definitely the type of girl he's attracted to. Wow, Jason, you just keep surprising me. He says that in the past he's noticed that girls like Melissa (cheerleaders) aren't usually ready for a settled type of life, and he needs someone who is. You know right now he's praying for Melissa to show any glimmer of substance so that he can choose the cheerleader without looking like a shallow idiot. He feeds her a raw oyster and then they talk about the fact that Melissa has been dancing since she was tiny, but what she really wants in life is to teach first grade. Internally Jason does a wild dance of glee. He can keep the cheerleader! She'd make a great mom!

And she looks just like DeAnna when she eats oysters.

And back home the doorbell rings again. Molly comes running inside waving a note all around. Now remember: not every girl will get to go on a date with Jason this week so this note contains very important information. It says, "Natalie, Erica, Naomi, Nikki, Lauren, Kari, Sharon and Molly: Let's put the glam into Hollywood glamour." Aw, the girls who will not be putting the glam into Hollywood glamour are not at all pleased.

On the beach Melissa and Jason look up into the sky as the Goodyear blimp drifts by. Jason tells Melissa to take a good look because there is a scrolling marquee that says "Hello Melissa! Hello Melissa!" Oh, how romantic! Melissa, needless to say, is totally tickled pink and then Jason tells her to ask it a question. Ask the Goodyear blimp a question? Are we serious here? Melissa complies and asks the obvious: will she get a rose tonight? Apparently the Goodyear blimp is a magic 8 ball because now the marquee says "To early to tell." Next question! Melissa asks if she will get a kiss. The blimp says "Signs point to yes." Oh brother. Jason seems as surprised as anyone to see that, but he dives right in. While they're smooching Jason says that he loves that blimp. Oh Jason! Then the marquee asks them if they want to go for a ride. Of course they do. Overwhelmingly romantic music swells as these two view Los Angeles from the blimp. Jason is completely overcome and offers Melissa the rose, which she happily grabs and they kiss some more. Hopefully we're done here.

The next day it's time for the big group date. You know, the one where the lucky girls will put the glam into Hollywood glamour. This turns out to be the date where the Bachelor takes his date to some fancy store and lets her pick out a dress, except this time there are eight of them. The girls all start freaking out because they can't believe that Jason really loves them so much that he will take them to a store and buy them whatever they want! Yes girls, sign up to marry Jason and this will be your every Saturday morning! Natalie tells us that she's been waiting for a guy to do something like this for her (haven't we all?) and that taking her to a store and setting her loose is like returning her to the mother ship. Are you sure you want to say that on television, Natalie? Sharon tells us that she feels giddy whenever she's around Jason and wonders if he feels the same around her. My guess is no.

So after the girls have each picked out something super special for "Jason" to buy for them, the whole gang heads over to some boutique hotel called Le Petit. Hmm. The Small? Anyway, this is where they will be sporting their new fancy duds. Oh, what's this? The girls aren't the only ones with pretty new clothes! Jason is wearing a fabulous vest with his jeans! How very spectacular, Jason. How very sweet.

"But you haven't said if you like my purple vest yet..."

And everyone makes grand use of their formal wear on a wooden deck next to the hotel pool. This becomes a round table conversation about everyone's thoughts on dating. Jason says that he's discovered in his vast dating experience that everyone has something they need to get out of their system before they get married. You're kidding! Erica tells us that it's hard for her to think of Jason with the other girls because her last boyfriend cheated on her. Then she says, "She was 52." I'm sorry, what? Her boyfriend was a "she?" Or the woman he cheated on Erica with was 52? Either way, sketchy story, Erica! But thanks for sharing.

Okay, enough of these expensive new clothes, it's time to get into the pool! Again! And Jason is brimming with bright ideas for fun times in the pool! He announces that there will be a talent show and graces us with the first performance, which is him "break dancing" for the girls poolside. Oh wow, who knew Jason was a B-Boy?

Keeping it real. Real lame.

Kari, Molly and Sharon choreograph a synchronized swimming routine for all of our pleasure. When that delight is over Molly tells Jason she has a secret talent to show him and pulls him out of the pool with her. Well, guess what Molly's secret talent is. That's right... kissing. Oh, we've got a clever one on our hands, people. Jason, of course, swallows the bait - and Molly's face - whole. Natalie announces to the girls in the pool that Molly and Jason are kissing and Nikki is pissed off. But not at Jason, and not at Molly. No. She's really irritated that Natalie would have the nerve to bring this to everyone's attention. I mean, how dare she? Nikki certainly doesn't need to hear that her future husband is less than six feet away kissing some other ho. Shut your mouth, Natalie!

"If I ignore it, it doesn't really happen. So SHUT UP!"

Nikki tells us that this über sensitivity to kissing comes from the fact that she's only kissed one boy since she was 17 and he was her boyfriend of 11 years. Okay... weird. For many reasons I won't go into here because this episode is already two hours long. But the most important thing here and the bottom line, of course, is that Nikki is so ready to go to Seattle and settle down and be a mom and clearly Natalie isn't. And she tells Jason exactly this as they have their own little chat. But she doesn't name names. Yet.

Naomi has to get her shot in and so she takes Jason aside and explains her theory that if you can be really good friends with someone then you can be lifelong partners with them. Whoa, that's deep, Naomi. She tells Jason that no matter what happens she'll always be his friend. Then she says, "Can friends kiss?" And Jason jumps in for kiss number four. After that nonsense Jason decides to award the rose and he gives it to Molly for sharing her secret talent. Here is Naomi's face when this happens:

"Oh, that's precious."

Later when Jason brings the group date home, Raquel decides it's time to take action! She didn't get a one-on-one date, she didn't get a group date, she certainly didn't get a kiss, but she's not going to fade into the background for one second! As Jason says goodnight to the girls Raquel runs outside and climbs into the car that's waiting to take Jason home. I actually think this is quite clever. All she needs to do is tell him she just wanted to say hi and goodnight or something cute, and it would be a memorable little encounter. Instead she kind of freezes up. They kind of stammer at each other and Raquel tells Jason she wants to stay, but he mostly just seems confused. Then Raquel tells us she has the intuition that Jason is the one for her. Oh, save that intuition for medical school, Raquel.

It's Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Time! The girls all flutter around being nervous and Jason marches in and tells them that he's had a wonderful week and since he didn't get to spend time with all of them, he hopes he gets to tonight. He tells us that he will choose who goes home based on the conversations this evening. Oooh, a Conversation-Off! First up in the conversation competition is Erica, who wants to know if Jason had fun last night. She tells him that she was all excited to go on the group date but then she got sad because she didn't get any alone time with Jason. He assures her that she's "noticed," by him. Lauren is next and she continues her previous rant about how difficult this is. She says she doesn't want to have to be the one to initiate everything and when Jason doesn't initiate anything it sends her the message that he's not interested. Oh my gosh, is she serious? I mean yes, I would understand her complaint if this was any kind of normal situation, but this is episode two of The Bachelor. Basically all Jason is at liberty to do is follow instructions and award roses from time to time. He tells us that Lauren may need more reassurance than he is able to give her right now. You think?

Nikki and Melissa are riling each other up in the living room. Nikki has gotten back up on her soapbox about no one realizing what a huge deal it is to be a mother and that all the rest of the girls are only looking at this like the movie Sleepless in Seattle. But being a mom is all about being selfless, not being selfish. I'm not saying she's wrong, but seriously, how is she so sure that she's the only one who gets that? She's not even a mom, she's an AUNT. Cyber Stalker Shannon is over with Jason rattling off more facts she knows about him, interspersed with outbursts of "You're so cute! Why are you so cute?" She predicts that if she is the last one standing Ty will come running out with her dog, Keela. Run, Jason. This is disturbing.

"What made you wake up for 15 minutes at 3 AM last night?"

The girls who are waiting for their turn at conversation decide that they want to know more about Stephanie. Namely, where is her ex, the father of her child? Stephanie goes through the story of the day her husband died in a plane crash. She tells us how her sister called and told her that a small plane went down and then how she waited at the airport to hear if he was okay. Basically this is a huge bummer. She seems like a sweet person who got dealt a really crappy hand. She has a sit down with Jason and tells him that tomorrow is her little girl's birthday. This sucks, let's move on.

Speaking of moving on, Idaho Lisa sits Jason down to tell him that her grandmother has cancer and she doesn't feel like she can stay any longer. Jason says he's sad, but he can support her decision. Guess what. So can all the other girls! Too bad, so sad about your grandma, but get real, people! This is a competition! One more girl down is bad news for no one! Thank you ladies, for showing us all your tender sides. It's just lovely.

Megan takes her turn to sit down with Jason and remind everyone that they both have little kids. Yes, we know. Then she says that even though they love their children, they still have their own personalities that are separate from their kids and she wants to make sure Jason knows this. Is she serious? She says she lived 23 years before her son was born, which actually explains a lot. She's only 23. Or maybe 24. She tells Jason that before her son was born she would spend her time playing soccer, going to class, then going to lacrosse practice. She's very athletic, you see. Just now, Molly butts in with her rose blazing, wanting to steal Jason away. Oh Molly, you have your rose. Whatever you say now isn't going to change anything. Can't you give it a small rest while there are still so many other girls? Apparently not, and she drags Jason away. Megan and her side ponytail are not happy.

"I have more of my own personality to talk about!"

In the living room the girls discuss the appropriateness of someone already in possession of a rose taking Jason away from a girl still vying for one. Erica pipes up saying that if she had a rose she wouldn't go up and talk to Jason and she think that shows a lot of character on her part. Then she goes into the kitchen, runs into Molly, and tells her not to worry about snagging Jason while she already has a rose because the girls have her back.

"I don't care what all those skanks say. You did the right thing!"

Unfortunately for Erica, Megan is sitting in a nook in the kitchen fixing her makeup and hears this whole thing. She doesn't like it one bit. She asks Erica just what she means by saying one thing to the group and then something else entirely to Molly. Erica claims that she argued both sides all along and marches out into the living room to get the entire group's input on just whether or not she is being two-faced. This quickly disintegrates into Megan and Erica trying to out-snot one another, with Megan telling Erica she needs to calm down and Erica saying that Megan is enjoying this. Wow, this is lame.

Outside, Jason tells Nikki that she has amazing qualities just as we get a close up of her boobs. Nikki just nods and warns Jason - again - that there are girls here who aren't right for him. The cat fight continues inside with Erica reminding Megan that everyone hates her as evidenced by the first night's vote out. Megan correctly points out that Erica got the second highest number of votes. Erica claims that this is only because she is a threat to the other girls and not because she has terrible karma, like Megan. This goes back and forth for a while with each girl asserting that she is the bigger, more mature person.

Finally here is Chris tapping his glass to escort Jason into the deliberation area. Let's see if Jason has anything enlightening to share during his deliberation... no, not yet. Still no. Blah, blah, blah, rehash this, go over that. Nothing new. ABC, please don't feel the need to repeat crap just to stretch this out for two hours. No one cares. FINALLY we come to the roses.

Jillian, Melissa and Molly already have roses, so they are safe. Jason gets up and says that this is really tough for him. Really REALLY tough. Cry me a river Jason. Now out with the roses! Here's how they go: Megan, Nikki, Lauren, Naomi, Stephanie, Kari, Natalie, Shannon. Ladies, Jason, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready... Erica! YAY, the fighters are still in this! I'm sure the producers have nothing to do with that at all.

Sharon is out and she reminds us that she quit her job to be here. Sharon, that was dumb.

Even the Unemployment Office thinks so.

Raquel tells us that she really felt a connection with Jason. When she looked into his eyes she felt it. She doesn't know why it didn't work out with him - maybe she's too aggressive, she doesn't know. I knew she wouldn't last long with her trilingual skills and her medical school. I mean, how can Raquel be a great mom if she's busy being a trilingual doctor? Sorry Raquel, but much bigger and better things await you. Carry on, my dear, carry on. Jason toasts the 12 remainders and we are out!

Next week Stephanie's little girl gets the birthday surprise of a lifetime - an appearance on The Bachelor! Then it looks like we are making plaster molds of everyone's torsos and Natalie gets to borrow expensive jewelry for the evening. Then later at the Rose Ceremony the girls are invited to trash talk each other in public. This should be great!

So what did you think of episode number two? Is ABC seriously trying to kill me with these two hour episodes? I read on Chris Harrison's blog that one of the reasons they stretched this out to two hours is all of the positive comments he got on the blog. I'm begging you, people, do not encourage them. I mean, we just get 20 extra minutes of filler. Just tell ME what you think and the show will stay at a sane length.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta