Saturday, March 21, 2009

Celebrity Apprentice: Holy Matrimony

The Donald.jpg
"Welcome to Trump Tower!"

Hello beloved readers! I am honored and humbled to be recapping this season of Celebrity Apprentice! I know I'm coming a tad late to the game, so we are going to bounce right over episodes one and two and dive into episode three. The guys have already lost Andrew Dice Clay (such a tragedy) and are teetering between Scott Hamilton and Tom Green as we return to the golden heights of Trump Tower. Let's watch as a whole bunch of out-of-work "superstars" scream and claw to prove they are the masters of everything. It's a battle royale of the Type A Egos. Here we go!

We begin this episode with both teams hanging out in the VIP lounge where they can watch portions of the boardroom drama on a plasma screen. They are all speculating as to who will be coming back to join them for another week and who will be sent back into "has-been" or "almost-was" obscurity. Will Tom Green be returning to fulfill his promise of being Project Manager? Or will Scott Hamilton return to twirl and sow-tow his way through the next challenge? And here comes... Tom Green! Jesse James tells the camera that Tom Green is just one of those talented people who is a dip$#!* and you just have to put up with him. Ha! That's actually what I'd say about most of these "celebrities," except the talent part is questionable.

Next Khloe Kardashian - who definitely falls into the WTF? "celebrity" category, - delivers a check to her charity from her win last week. Her chosen charity is the Brent Shapiro Foundation for Alcohol and Drug Awareness. The reason for this is not, as you might imagine, that Khloe Kardashian has a concern for alcohol and drug awareness. In fact, I'd venture to guess that she is quite aware of both alcohol and drugs and the exciting affects they've had on her "career." But no, the reason she chose this charity is that Brent Shapiro is the deceased son of Robert Shapiro who was an attorney on the OJ Simpson murder trial along with Khloe's father. Not to be mistaken for the frozen-faced Bruce Jenner, who is Brody Jenner's father, and not Khloe's father, but her stepfather. Got all that? Good. Suffice it to say that Khloe Kardashian is a raging philanthropist who will be bringing much alcohol and drug awareness to the masses. In fact, she tells us that she herself has had a DUI - get out of here! - and it's taught her SO MUCH. Thank you, Khloe Kardashian. Society is much obliged and we hope to see more of you. Just not behind the wheel.

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"Let go of the check, sweetie."

Later the teams meet up in front of St. Bartholomew's church to get this week's low down from The Donald, Ivanka, and George (returning to fill in for The Donald's other kid). First off, The Donald says that Joan Rivers won't be here today, but she'll be back tomorrow. So funny how "celebrities" only have to show up when they want to - for game shows, for rehab, for court, whatever, because they have "work." Then The Donald tells everyone that St. Bartholomew's is well-known for weddings. And who doesn't love weddings? Is he serious? Weddings are the worst unless they're your own - as The Donald also acknowledges by bringing up his own slew of weddings. Anyway, this week's task will be for each team to sell wedding dresses out of a provided retail space. Right away Brian McKnight is irritated. He thinks the men are already at a disadvantage merely because they are men. He says that women spend their whole lives dreaming of getting married and men spend their whole lives hoping they never get there. True dat! You know what's also true, though, Mr. McKnight? When men finally do crumble and get married, they realize it's the best thing they ever did and wonder why they waited so long. Women, on the other hand, are usually completely disappointed and wonder what the big hurry was all about. So who's complaining? RK Bridal is getting a big plug by donating all the dresses. Each team gets 125 dresses to sell and whoever makes the biggest profit wins - simple as that. The Donald calls out Dennis Rodman, saying he should be good at this task since he appeared publicly in a wedding dress once. That's business logic if I've ever heard it. Time to choose Project Managers!

"Number one challenge in the history of competition."

So Tom Green is the manager for the guys, as promised. The guys' team name, by the way, is KOTU, which stands for Kings of the Universe. Uh, deluded much? Brande Roderick is the Project Manager for the girls' team - Team Athena. A Playboy centerfold leading the wedding dress challenge? I'm intrigued.

We return from commercial with the guys sitting in a car trying to hash out who has what responsibility. As per usual on the Celebrity Apprentice, the team decides to conduct the marketing part of the challenge by calling their rich friends and asking them to come and make a fat donation. If only that worked in the real world... I could be a CEO by now. Over in the girls' car they are doing the exact same thing. This isn't exactly an overwhelming display of business savvy, but rather just a constant calling in of favors. So basically the winning team is just whoever can pester enough acquaintances to make donations - not who makes smart business plans and decisions. Ah well, business advice is not why we tune in to the Celebrity Apprentice, is it?

The teams pull up to their retail spaces, which are two adjoining storefronts where they will battle it out for customers, but more importantly, wait around for the rich people to drop by with their checks. Brande tells us she's nervous for this task because she knows the guys are going to bring in as much money as possible. Gee Brande, isn't that the objective on every task?

"They're going to get lots of dollars."

The guys brainstorm names for the event and decide on "Red Carpet Wedding Dress Sale," which will include - you have one guess - a red carpet outside the shop. PM Tom Green's grand idea for the interior of the shop is to keep it minimal, like an art gallery. So basically do nothing.

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Team KOTU before... and after.

Next door, Melissa Rivers is busy calling in her friend Preston, a well-known wedding planner, to design a concept for their store interior. Sounds smart, but again, it won't make one bit of difference if the guys can drum up more rich donors. Speaking of the guys, Tom Green is still hard at work on the "minimal" interior of his store as he emerges wearing a wedding dress. Oh, now isn't that just silly? He wanders out to the sidewalk and twirls around, admiring himself in the glass of the storefront. Okay, Tom. This is not a revival of that show you once had where you run around harassing innocent people in the street - you actually have an objective here. Why aren't you calling rich people?

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"No one takes my calls anymore."

Well Dennis Rodman decides that he is going to advance the cause by hitting the street and stirring up some interest in what will be taking place here tomorrow. Tom thinks this is a terrific idea and even sends Hershel Walker with him, though I'm not sure why. Come to think of it, I'm not sure what Dennis Rodman is going to accomplish roaming the streets, either. It's not like he has flyers or any sort of marketing material. He tells us that he's doing his thing, which is being Dennis Rodman. Well congratulations, you're existing. I think every person on planet earth managed to do that today as well. And after a long hard day of existing, Dennis feels that he has earned himself a nice big vodka cranberry. So he and Hershel dip into a bar and sip some cocktails while simultaneously pestering unsuspecting females as well. Hershel tells us he's not sure how this will help to sell wedding dresses, and that's the first intelligent thing I've heard on this episode - even though it was pretty obvious.

"Tested? For what?"

Ivanka drops in to check on the guys' progress and wants to know where Dennis and Hershel are. Her summary of team KOTU is that they seem to be working harmoniously. That's profound, Ivanka. What are your qualifications again?

And the girls have now each gotten on their cell phones to see who they can get to drop some dough. I hear Brande's highly convincing conversation, which is just her saying, "Please... PLEASE? You can just throw it away after." This, beloved readers, is tragic. With the state of our economy here are these people with so much money they can purchase a wedding dress at grossly inflated prices merely to throw it away. Who are these people?

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"Dear Kim... how much do you have left from the tape sales?"

Oh here is even more disturbing news: Joe Francis, creator of that shame of human kind, "Girls Gone Wild," is getting married. Someone agreed to marry that piece of crap? Well, she'll need a wedding dress. Preferably a really expensive one. That can be easily lifted up over her face in exchange for a baseball cap.

Dennis Rodman stumbles back into KOTU headquarters and slurs that he has a friend who can help. Money? No. This friend sends over a Russian girl. Yes, you read that correctly. Dennis Rodman has rustled up a Russian girl to help the guys win.

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"Who can spot me two grand? Quick!"

I'm sorry, what? Why? Oh, she's going to model. Wait, I thought Tom had that part covered. In a triumph of class and grace, Dennis Rodman looks right at this girl and says, "I love Russian bitches - I mean girls." What a guy. Dennis and Tom leave the others to their phone calls while they head off for drinks at the hotel. Well, I can hardly argue. I mean, Tom has successfully come up with the concept to do nothing with the interior, and Dennis has successfully gotten hammered and demeaned a woman. Their work here is done!

The next morning as the guys head back over to their retail space, Tom and Dennis are nowhere to be found. Jesse James puts in a profanity laden phone call to Tom, telling him to find Dennis and get over to their store. At 8:40 AM we see Tom strolling out of the hotel, coffee in hand, face looking like he just pulled it out of the toilet, and he looks at the camera like, "What's the big deal?" And bids everyone good morning. It seems as though Tom might still be drunk because on his ride over to the store he babbles about what a huge upset this is going to be in Apprentice history - then he almost shatters the van window trying to scream at some woman in the street.

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"Stop asking me if I'm dill strunk!"

On the girls' side, Joan Rivers is back in action and she tells us that she was out of town yesterday to give a lecture on survival. Unless she's talking about repeated plastic surgery survival, I'm not sure how Joan Rivers is an expert, but what do I know? Truckloads of flowers are being delivered to the girls' space, which I believe will look much nicer and more nuptial than Tom Green's "nothing" concept.

Tom arrives at the guys' space and starts drinking orange juice. Clint Black advises him that cola is really good for a hangover, to which Tom innocently responds, "Were you drinking last night?" Nice try, lush. Next Dennis Rodman's "guy" calls with the news that Dennis is having some trouble with his eyes and will not be coming in. I would guess that his trouble has more to do with that Russian "model" sent over by his "friend" last night who may be somehow involved in human trafficking. You don't want to mess with that scene, if I've learned anything from MSNBC. The guys worry that Dennis is their most recognizable celeb, so his absence could be detrimental. Or helpful. Either way, they're not happy.

The girls' space looks great with all of the flowers and they are setting out cupcakes and champagne. Gee, which store would you go to if you were choosing a wedding dress? The one where Dennis Rodman tries to grope you and call you misogynistic epithets, or the one with treats and flowers? This is a toss up.

You're hired!

The estrogen is overflowing at the girls' space as women try on dresses and bawl in front of the mirrors. Where did those cupcakes go?

George stops by to take stock of team KOTU. He is not at all impressed with the minimalist merchandising concept and he wants to know where Dennis is. Tom's like, "Oh there's a major problem with his eyes. Hopefully he's okay." Give it a rest, Tom. He's screwing you over, you don't owe him anything. George is much happier with team Athena, where women are getting their makeup done and sipping champagne. Of course, none of this will matter when it comes down to the total profits.

Brian McKnight tells us what a huge favor he is doing for the guys' customers by telling the brides they look nice. Do these people ever stop giving? It's becoming a street war as representatives from each team try to cajole people into their stores from outside. The highlight of this is Khloe Kardashian in a wedding dress screaming obscenities about the guys' team to passersby. The Donald should be highly impressed.

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"Come over and shop with the f^@#ing ladies!"

Right about now Tom Green is accosting a non-affluent customer to cough up her credit card and Clint Black announces that his donors have come through. Nuts to the commoners who are unfortunate enough to actually be having a wedding and in need of a wedding dress. The corporate sponsors have come through! The girls are also cleaning up with the help of their rich sponsors, including a man from Las Vegas and his fiancée who is twice his size. Minutes before time is called, there are only crickets on the street in front of both stores and Hershel Walker is pacing impatiently around waiting for his rich friends to show up. At the last second some guy comes puffing down the street and hands Hershel a bunch of checks. Well that's a relief. Will it be enough? Let's head to the boardroom and find out!

The Donald asks Brande how her team did and she raves about how wonderful they are and how well they work together. No one was a slacker, but Melissa Rivers and Annie Duke were the stars. When Tom is asked the same questions he says also that his team was amazing and that Clint Black and Hershel Walker are downright heroes. Ah, look who's decided to brighten the boardroom with his presence. It's Dennis Rodman! The Donald wants to know if the guys capitalized on Dennis's celebrity since he did wear a wedding dress that one time. Oh, here we go. Tom says that Dennis raised some money by strolling around the streets yesterday (he did?), but that unfortunately today his eye was hurt, so he was unable to participate. The Donald probes further and Dennis says that he's allergic to cats and his eyes were having a reaction today. Well, this is all news. Tom pipes back up, saying that he and Dennis were hanging out with some dot-com billionaires the night before and their dogs gave Dennis an allergic reaction. The Donald's like, "Was it cats or dogs?" Yes, Tom... Dennis, was it cats or dogs that incapacitated you today? Or was it a Russian prostitute? Or an underground mafia? Or was it just a lousy hangover, you pieces of crap? Dennis says cats. The main point, however, is that Dennis wasn't there today to help at all, and Tom keeps trying to defend him, saying how ill he must have been. This is so sketchy.

The Donald asks Hershel if he has any clue why Dennis wasn't around today, which Hershel doesn't, and he adds that he's not exactly sure what Dennis accomplished yesterday either, for that matter. Dennis says that his job was to be a billboard because that's what he does. Again with the existing. Hershel tells The Donald that Tom Green would not be on his A-Team. George jumps in asking who designed the interior for the guys' store, Stevie Wonder? Oh George, don't you get it? It's MINIMAL. Just like Tom Green's effort. The Donald takes a moment to congratulate the girls on what he hears was a lovely interior in their store and then decides it's time to find out who won.

Ivanka reveals that the men sold 21 dresses (hey, that's a movie!), totaling $63,450. George reveals that the women sold 22 dresses for $103,000. Ha! In your faces Tom Green and Dennis Rodman! Your walking billboard and to-heck-with-it interior design didn't bring in enough rich friends for you to win this one! So Brande Roderick gets to donate a bunch of money to her charity for at-risk youth. Are they at risk of becoming porn stars?

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"Yay! More money NOT out of our own pockets!"

The girls are excused to the VIP lounge and the guys are left to explain their lack of big donations to The Donald. Tom Green says that he faced a really difficult task this week because all the guys have done so far is bicker and argue.

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"I tried to heal them."

Ivanka brings up the fact that the guys didn't need to lose another team member in Dennis Rodman today, which prompts Brian McKnight to tattle on Tom for not showing up in the morning. The Donald is intrigued. Tom claims that he did not oversleep, but just wasn't needed first thing in the morning, but The Donald is not impressed. Hershel Walker says that he believes Dennis Rodman was not having an allergic reaction, but was just hungover today. Now we go 20 rounds of just who knocked on Dennis Rodman's door for an hour this morning and just why Dennis Rodman sat inside his room not answering. He claims that he was ashamed to show his eyes, which are covered with sunglasses, but when he takes them off his eyes are completely normal. It's kind of funny to watch The Donald walk the tightrope between kissing celebrity butt and calling slackers out on their BS. He's not really good at it and usually lands on the butt kissing side. In the VIP lounge the girls aren't buying the cat allergy story. The Donald asks Clint Black whom he would fire and Clint Black says if he were Donald Trump, he would have demanded three different doctors' opinions to excuse Dennis for the day. Jesse James advises The Donald to fire Tom AND Dennis. George wants to know why Tom was so protective of Dennis earlier in the day. Tom keeps up with his story about trying to heal the team after two weeks of negativity. It turns out that Dennis Rodman's agent sent over some donors, which helped the team, but Tom Green didn't bring in one penny. Nor did he come up with any sort of strategy or lead the team well. And so, without even the ceremony of bringing in two people to try to blame, Tom Green is fired. He was lousy last week, lousy this week, so get out. Frankly, Dennis Rodman seems a little disappointed not to be fired as well. He'll have to come up with another way to be useless.

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"You're kidding, right?"

After getting on the wrong elevator, Tom tells us in his cab that he is really surprised because he thought he was going to win the entire thing. Yes, he's surprised, that's all.

Next week, Dennis Rodman campaigns for his termination by getting in Clint Black's face. More egos colliding! See you then!

So what do you think of this round of celebs? Who will piss off their rich friends fastest?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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