Thursday, April 30, 2009

Celebrity Apprentice: Forgooing the Right Guard!

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What is that stench?

Who's ready for another two hours of Celebrity Apprentice? This week is all about body odor, which naturally these beautiful people know nothing about. What's a poor celebrity to do?

This week in the VIP lounge everyone is mad that Hershel got sent home and Clint is still around. Since Clint and Joan are the only ones left on KOTU, a wave of fear washes over team Athena as they wonder which one of them will be dragged over to sleep with the enemy.

Jesse takes a trip over to the auto shop of the Long Beach Education Center (I'm going to go ahead and say I was right in thinking all of these charity handovers happened long after filming) to give the kids a thrill and give the teachers some money. Love and teddy bears.

We head over to the NBA building (who knew?) to hear what The Donald has in store for us next. First on the docket is to send Jesse James over to team KOTU. Brande and Annie are aghast, Melissa is concerned, Joan is thrilled, and Jesse and Clint are like, "whatever." Melissa's understandable source of concern is that now she will be left alone with Annie and Brande, who have been acting like members of the Mean Girls clique. The Donald asks Jesse how he likes Joan and Clint and Jesse goes, "I love Joan." The end. He tells the camera that Clint thinks he's the foremost authority on everything and refuses to listen to the input of others. Yeah, that all blew up in Clint's face with his little laundry detergent commercial, so let's see if he's learned anything about hubris.

The Donald announces that he hates people who smell and as such today they will be working with Right Guard deodorant. This particular logic is why there will never be a challenge involving hair products.

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"People who style their hair are losers. They're fired."

Two guys from Right Guard step in and say that the teams have to come up with a four page editorial print ad that features David Lee, a basketball player for the New York Knicks. The ad needs to be designed for Sports Illustrated. Jim Kramer is filling in for Donny Jr., whom I have completely given up on. I just hope for his sake that his absence has nothing to do with drunk driving. Or smelling bad. Now choose Project Managers!

Brande steps up for Athena because she is a major expert on photo shoots - oh brother. And Clint steps up for KOTU because he is so extremely talented. I'm already sensing disaster.

As Athena begins brainstorming Melissa offers up an idea for a "story" for their layout and both Annie and Brande just look around blinking. She keeps firing out ideas and the other two keep right on ignoring her. Annie tells the camera that Melissa isn't thinking of appropriate ideas for Sports Illustrated - they would be better suited for a women's magazine. That might be true, but here's a thought: say that in the brainstorming session to redirect her. She's spitballing and when no one responds, how should she know where to go from there? Annie decides that a better idea is to have David Lee posing naked with a basketball strategically placed and the caption, "All I need to wear is Right Guard." Well, since Annie said it, it is now gospel. Naturally Brande is on board because number one, her girl crush came up with the idea, and number two, she is a huge fan of the naked photo shoot. The Right Guard guys aren't worried that this is too risqué so on with the show!

"An all-nude strip club? Great! We want to reach everyone."

The Right Guard guys pop over to KOTU to give them the run down on their patented "power stripe" technology. I guess this was information Athena didn't need? Or information Annie deemed irrelevant, same diff. Clint wants to know if using beautiful women in the ad will be effective. Weren't they told to use a basketball player as the main draw? Jesse's getting more and more irritated as the minutes go by. To be fair, I think he was irritated with Clint since a few weeks ago, but having to work so closely with him isn't helping the situation.

Brande gives out assignments at Athena and she puts Annie in charge of brand messaging and the presentation. So that leaves the photo shoot to Brande and Melissa. Of course, Melissa is pissed because she could have done any number of things, and of course, Annie is stoked because she is the greatest on earth at anything. Athena - and by Athena I mean Annie - decides to do a photo essay of 24 hours in the life of David Lee. She comes up with how each of the four pages will look and exactly how it will happen. Then she manages to excuse herself from any responsibility by continually repeating, "You are the project manager. I want to make sure you're okay with this," to Brande. As if she would back down if Brande weren't okay with it. She is such a bulldozer. Does this make her good at Celebrity Apprentice? Yes. Does it make her someone I would ever want to hang out with? NO. Melissa watches all of this and seethes.

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"Dear Mom, they're being meanies again. Tell Mr. Trump. Love, Melissa."

Over at KOTU Jesse researches David Lee and mentions that he is an NBA newcomer. Joan Rivers thinks they should do a photo shoot of David Lee surrounded by a bunch of huge black guys, who would be representing "pressure." Jesse and Clint kind of look at each other and Jesse goes on with HIS idea, which is to show David Lee standing in front of a huge New York City skyline, representing the big bad world he's coming into, and stating that he doesn't break a sweat. He also wants to put orange stripes down the outer edges of the pages to represent the "power stripe." That sounds promising. Clint likes it... sort of. He wants to rework the idea into his own story, so Jesse kind of shuts down in a silent tantrum.

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"I actually miss Annie."

The Athena gals get to work on their photo shoot, which means that Brande and Melissa go off to do some location shots. Oh wait, Annie has stepped in and taken this over too. Brande and Melissa just hang out back at their brainstorming table. Annie tells us that David Lee is actually a friend of hers. Of course he is. As Brande and Annie chatter on the phone, Melissa's pouting session boils over and she demands that Brande fill her in on what's going on since it's perfectly clear that she and Annie are conspiring to get rid of Melissa. Brande says no they're not, and I actually believe her, but I just think she doesn't realize the raging monster that is Annie Duke, but Melissa is determined that this is a high school game. I'm afraid Melissa is screwed because Annie is the master manipulator and Brande is the master manipulated. I don't know what I would do in her shoes because it's not like you can out maneuver Annie. Actually, I take that back. Melissa should have stepped up as Project Manager so that she could have some measure of control. I mean, she's known who she's working with.

"I pacifically said not to manipu-ma-late me."

Meanwhile Jesse is having a hard time in the same room with Clint so he takes off to go get some photos of the New York skyline. I wonder if this will be as good a photo shoot as the padlock extravaganza. A model shows up to do some shots with Joan and Clint, and since she IS a model, I'm waiting for Clint to dissolve into an incoherent pile of giggles. He's not exactly Mr. Suave, but he gets through it and Ivanka drops by. Joan reports that Clint is slightly better at listening than he was in his first run as Project Manager, but he's still not really open to other ideas. Over on his outdoor photo shoot, Jesse tells us that he's fairly certain his team is going to lose. Clint has no idea what he's doing while Jesse actually operates a magazine and knows how these things work. He's not at all happy about the way this is looking.

Athena is over at some nightclub taking pictures of a bunch of girls dancing, who will eventually be shot dancing with their faces up in David Lee's armpits. Melissa continues her constant stream of whining about being odd man out. In fact, Brande takes Annie aside and tells her that Melissa thinks they are conspiring against her - except she says "coercing" not "conspiring." Annie of course laughs this off and then gives the camera an evil wink.

Jesse returns with his skyline picture and Clint proceeds to clutter it up with all kinds of product shots and extensive copy. Jesse keeps trying to rein him in and keep it simple, but Clint has made up his mind and he wants flames and buzz words, deodorant sticks and basketballs. Jesse gets quiet in the work room, but to us he goes on and on about what an idiot Clint is. He thinks they could have won, but now Clint is ruining everything. Clint tries to continue to get Jesse's input but all he will say now is that it's Clint's call. The thing is that if Jesse were to give Clint input, Clint would probably just argue about why his own viewpoint is better, but Jesse is kind of acting like a baby.

David Lee arrives for his Athena photo shoot and Brande starts fluttering. She tells us she wasn't expecting him to be so gosh dang cute - imagine that!

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Propmaster Melissa takes a power nap.

After Melissa is done standing around watching the photo shoot take place without her, Annie takes her aside and says she just doesn't know what to do because Brande assigned her all these different aspects of the task and she can't say no to her boss. Oh right! Like Annie didn't want all those assignments? She tells us it's a poker strategy - to draw your opponent in and manipulate them to your own advantage. So she makes Melissa think she is sympathizing with her "outsider" plight, when all the while she's planning on getting rid of her.

When David Lee shows up at KOTU for their photo shoot, Clint laughs that it's so great to be at a photo shoot with someone ELSE getting photographed. Oh that's right. Clint Black is a huge celebrity - who I've never seen or would ever recognize until this show, despite his thousands of photo shoots. By the way, Jesse is still pissed and certain they're going to lose. During the layout phase of KOTU's print ad, Annie and Brande pop in to try to see what's going on. Joan says that Annie wears a size six and she wears three items of clothing so that she's 666. Jesse goes, "I thought she was Hitler," and Joan goes, "Well I don't want to insult Hitler." HA! She goes on to tell us that she's excited for Annie to get her first facelift because she's going to need two doctors. ZING!

"...and she needs two makeup artists, two hair stylists, two lunches, two microphones..."

Jesse finally pipes up and tells Clint that his whole idea sucks, it looks like crap, and Clint has no business putting ads together. So Clint wants to know what Jesse suggests, and Jesse suggests hitting delete and starting from scratch. He's still really offended that Clint didn't take his original idea, and he's certainly not going to help now. Clint is going to have to own his idiocy and deal with it in the Boardroom. Joan is dismayed because she feels like she's made a lot of progress with getting Clint to work as a team and now Jesse is freaking out and they're not getting anywhere. Personally, I think most of these people have about had it with working for Donald Trump and they want to get back to their pampered, egomaniacal lives where no one ever says no to them.

Jim Kramer pops by to see how Athena is doing. Annie immediately takes credit for EVERYTHING, from the ideas to the execution, to the presentation. She's a hero, y'all! Jim Kramer accurately states that Annie has put herself in a remarkable position where she can take credit for EVERYTHING if the outcome is good, and NOTHING if the outcome is bad. She did everything, but she wasn't the project manager, and she'll be sure to use the excuse that she was just following orders (another Third Reich tactic) unless they win, in which case she will assert that she was the brilliant mastermind. Jim Kramer asks what word each of them would use to describe themselves. Brande says great leader (yeah, right). Annie says she worked her ass off and succeeded with fabulous brand marketing (way too many words, Annie), and Melissa says she wants it to be known that they all contributed EQUALLY. Annie almost has a cow. How dare Melissa take credit for any of the hard work that Annie did all alone, by herself? This was an Annie original, an Annie triumph, and Melissa need not comment. I really, really don't like her.

All right, enough of the arguing and snottiness, it's time for the presentations! KOTU is first, and Clint - looking like a doofus - takes charge.

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Old MacDonald presents.

While he's talking Jesse looks really worried and he tells us that he thinks the presentation is irrelevant given how ugly the ad is. It actually doesn't look too bad, but the picture of David Lee on the couch with a model is funny. She looks like she's about to fall asleep and he looks like she just fell out of the sky onto his lap and he isn't sure what she is or what to do with her. But he isn't sweating! At any rate the Right Guard guys seem relatively pleased.

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David Lee getting caught off guard.

Ugh, here comes Athena, headed up of course by Annie Duke in her Right Guard jersey, looking like the cat that swallowed the canary. She tells them they are presenting an "advertorial," which apparently is a real word, since no squiggly red line appeared when I typed it. Their ad is a series of pictures of David Lee - first playing basketball, then signing autographs, then dancing with the ho's, and finally shirtless holding a basketball.

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"Dude! Over here! Next to these smelly chicks!"

Then the final page is a close up of a basketball and two sticks of deodorant. Annie presents like she is giving a dramatic reading of a Victorian poem. It just doesn't seem right, somehow, which Melissa is quick to point out to us. She ends by saying Right Guard is the only thing SHE ever needs to wear. I'll take your word for it, Annie.

So later The Donald meets with the Right Guard guys to see what they have to say about the ad campaigns. For once, both teams did very well! The guys loved KOTU's integration of the orange stripe everywhere. As far as Athena, they liked the pictures, but didn't approve of the order of things. The main shot of the product should have come first, not last.

It's Boardroom time! I'm going to do highlights because this is mainly a rehashing of everything we've just discussed.

Athena thinks that they won because they're awesome, but KOTU isn't so sure about themselves. Jesse doesn't think they have much of a team.

There are further accusations of Clint being unable to share responsibility or glory. Clint babbles about having to make decisions. He also tattles on Jesse for being a baby.

When asked what Jesse thinks of Joan as a team player, he responds, "She's an a-hole... then there's this crazy sexual electricity between us." He's so deadpan, it's hilarious.

The Donald toys with the idea of wearing a hat like Clint Black's. If only.

Brande admits to handing practically everything off to Annie, which, in my opinion should make Annie responsible should they lose.

Ivanka points out that Brande chose to forgo the opportunity to shine in some of the key elements of the task. Brande says she doesn't think she "forgoo" anything. That. Is. Awesome.

Melissa tattles that she feels like she is in high school.

When both teams are asked to look at each other's work, Jesse thinks Clint's product is actually better than Athena's.


The Donald tells Jesse he needs to be more gracious, so Jesse shakes Clint's hand and tells him good job. What a sport.

When Athena goes to the Boardroom alone to hash it out, Brande's defense is that she's been a good fundraiser from the beginning. She also says that being as beautiful as she is has made her have to work twice as hard to prove herself. That is so sad for her.

Melissa's defense is that she works hard and has kept working even though she has two torn tendons.

"See I DID everything, but I'm RESPONSIBLE for nothing."

The Donald fires Melissa and OH MAN she is pissed! She practically tears two more tendons trying to jump over the chair next to her and bolt for the door. In the VIP lounge Joan is in a fury saying she won't come to work tomorrow, now they're left with a Nazi and a follower, and on and on. Melissa rushes into the VIP lounge just long enough to declare that Brande and Annie are nothing but two whore pit vipers then she rushes back out. She comes running out to the elevator demanding her crap and announcing that she will NOT be doing an interview, so there! Joan calls Annie a piece of shit and Brande a dumb blonde who has been manipulated. Annie once again ducks into a corner and lets Brande battle it out with Joan on her own. They scream over whether this is about money or being a good person. Brande claims she's there for her charity, then Joan tells Annie that all poker players are trash. Annie's defense is that poker players are awesome. Well, I'm convinced. Melissa is still tantruming all over the place about how wrongly she's been treated and she WILL NOT be coming back for an interview! You know, I'm no fan of the other girls, but the way Melissa is choosing to go down is absolutely ridiculous. THIS is what everyone will remember - that she kicked and screamed and pouted like the spoiled little brat she obviously is. Way to go out with no dignity or grace, Melissa. Any sympathy you may have garnered is long gone now. No interview necessary.

Well! That's it for this week. What did you think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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