Friday, May 22, 2009

The Bachelorette: Canada Calling

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"And on top of everything, my bra shows in this dress!"

Welcome to The Bachelorette! So I'm not sure if any of you know this, but last season on Jason Mesnick's self-indulgent ego trip nicknamed "The Bachelor," there was a spunky little Canadian maple leaf named Jillian. Jillian had a theory that she could tell what kind of person a guy is by what he puts on his hot dog. She also said "oat," instead of "out," and "a-gane," instead of "again." She bounced her way to the final three, but was given the shaft so that Jason could go back and forth between Melissa and Molly in front of America. So Jillian actually ended up being the lucky one, even though she was DEFINITELY falling in love and could ABSOLUTELY see herself being with Jason for the rest of her life. She trudged back to gloomy Toronto and wondered what is wrong with her that she wasn't the chosen one.

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This is what's in store for you when you lose on The Bachelor.

Well, as has become bad habit on this franchise, the discarded one has returned to take charge! This time Jillian will be doing the choosing, and darn it, it's going to end well. To prove it, she tosses a red beret up in the air. She tells us that she's not a princess and she's not drop dead gorgeous, but she thinks she's cute and has a huge heart, so she should be able to find someone, right? Wrong. Does she regret going on "The Bachelor?" Never. She put her heart oat there and learned from it.

Moving along from Toronto to Los Angeles, Jillian immediately begins working out. And when she's not working out, she's dancing in her bikini. That's how everyone in LA lives, didn't you know? Then she hand washes a convertible in high heels. That's just another Saturday for me folks, I don't know about YOUR unsexy lives.

Now let's take a look at the 25 guys who are here to start a career in show business win Jillian's love. First of is Kiptyn (Krypton?) and he tells us something very unusual: he works really hard and puts in the time at his job so that he can play hard as well, meaning surf with his wetsuit hanging down around his waist to show us his very well-defined abs. Yes, Krypton. We all work hard so that we can play hard (or sleep hard, in my case), this is the American way.

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"I worked 80 hours in the office for that wave."

Next we meet Michael, who is 25 and WHITE BREAD. He is a teacher in East Harlem, but lest you think he doesn't fit in, don't you worry - he's also a break dancing instructor. There is a huge PART of him that is a one-woman man. Now there's something every girl wants to hear.

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And this is not the part.

Oh here comes Julien (spelled wrong) and he is a thrill seeker, y'all! He jumps out of airplanes and speeds in a red sports car. He is a restaurateur, so perhaps he is the inventor of the "julienned" vegetable, who knows? Basically I think that Julien feels like he has something to prove.

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"Stop calling me Martha Stewart!"

And please meet Stephen, who recently finished law school. He lives in New York City and we see him asking for sauerkraut from a hot dog vendor. I have to take a moment here and quote Jillian from last season: "Once you're krote, you're oat." Yes, I know she said a few minutes ago that she doesn't care about her hot dog theory anymore, but this can not bode well for Stephen. He tries to hit on a girl who walks passed, but she totally ignores him - even with his camera crew.

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You're oat, Stephen.

Juan lives in LA, which we can tell before he ever says it because the first shot we get of him is him doing push-ups on the beach. Remember what I said about working out or dancing in a bathing suit? Juan is from Argentina, but he runs the family contracting business now with his mother. We see his mother presenting him with cupcakes, but he's not about to waste those beach push-ups! You're on your own, madre!

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"Because plain sand doesn't challenge me enough."

Mark is a pizza entrepreneur from Denver, or as I would call him, a pizza delivery boy. Kyle is a misguided thrift store shopper from Brooklyn who does graphic design work for cash. Sasha is a Serbian oil and gas consultant from Houston. Good luck with that, Jillian. Wes is a musician from Austin, aka - unemployed. I wonder what on earth he could possibly be doing on the show. Guess what, guys. His song was Number One in Chihuahua, Mexico! They even nicknamed him The Rooster, and "they" I guess are the fine citizens of Chihuahua who have excellent taste in musical talent.

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Wes threatens to jump if he is not cast in the show, resulting in a 32 hour standoff.

Greg, who goes by Billbro (???) is a professional fitness model and my personal nightmare.

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Seriously?

Jacob is a commercial airline pilot who does tricks in prop planes for fun. He does not date recreationally, m'kay? So he obviously does NOT live in LA. He would absolutely DIE to make Jillian's dreams come true. Calm down, Jacob.

As the guys pile into their limos, beer bottles in hand, Jillian sits down with Chris Harrison to reiterate just why she is here a-gane. You know she found out through her experience with Jason that she needs to let her guard down. Okay, noted. Chris brings up this "famous quote" that Jillian has: You have to slay a few dragons before you find the prince. Chris wants to know what that means. Oh COME ON Chris. What do you think it means? Good grief, it's BARELY a metaphor. Chris tells Jillian that America fell in love with her, but does she have any regrets? She says certainly not her big hot tub scene. She also says that she is ready to accept a proposal at the end of this - and why not?

It's time for the Limo Arrival Highlights!

Bryan from Texas is wearing a flaming pink shirt. He picks Jillian up and tells her he wants to sweep her off her feet. Hardy har.

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"It was either this or a dusty rose hue."

Brian from Georgia is wearing a lavender shirt and calls Jillian "Hot Tub Harris." Oooh, that's classy.

Jake the pilot is wearing a peach shirt and gives Jillian pilot wings. That's actually pretty cute.

David from Ohio totally chokes and just stands there looking at his feet. Awkward!

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"..."

Mathue (spelled wrong) is wearing a cowboy hat that looks like it has been to hell and back. Ah, look it's covered with autographs and he asks Jillian for hers. Here is someone who cares nothing for fame. He's also wearing a lavender shirt and is a personal trainer.

Simon is a soccer coach from Yorkshire, England. That's pretty hot. Only English guys can get away with being named Simon. His shirt is bright pink/lavender.

Adam's shirt is flaming teal.

Greg (Billbro) asks Jillian to hug it out, then tells her that he has married a bunch of people. As in, he is some sort of ordained minister. His shirt is purple. Move along, Billbro.

Mark - the pizza entrepreneur - says he has a pizza topping theory similar to Jillian's hot dog theory. Bated breath, Mark.

What's with all the pastels? Is it The Bachelorette Easter special? Chris asks Jillian if she thinks her future husband is in there, to which she says, "Easy on the H-word." Uh, Jillian? You just got done saying you'd accept a proposal at the end of this. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but proposals generally lead to marriage. Oh wait, this is The Bachelorette, so it's not going to lead anywhere. Carry on.

Drinking Party Highlights!

Jake is first to steal Jillian away, saying he can definitely picture her as his co-pilot. Oh boy. He very "sneakily" tells Jillian that everyone in his family is a doctor except him. Okay, we get it. You're from super-overachiever stock. Good for you.

Jesse, a wine maker, calls wine "love juice" and then rips open his blouse, superman style, to reveal a t-shirt that says "Aspiring Canadian." Are you crazy, Jesse? Why would you want to be a Canadian? It's not something to aspire to.

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Faster than a speeding maple leaf.

Simon keeps getting subtitled. He's speaking English, people.

Krypton tells us that Jillian is much more attractive in person than he expected. Way to NEG, Krypton. Have we been taking lessons from Mystery? Ew.

Jillian says that the guys are getting better and better looking. Funny how that happens with cocktail after cocktail.

Chris marches out with the First Impression Rose on a plate and sets it on a table in the middle of everyone. The tension thickens.

Brian - the one who called Jillian "Hot Tub Harris" - yells out, "What's up, you sassy little minx?" when she walks into the room. If he gets a rose I will be so confused.

Kyle draws a Sharpee moustache on Jillian's finger (you know, so she can hold it over her lip) and tells us some of his friends actually have these permanently tattooed to their fingers. Oh dear.

Brian and Kyle engage in a pissing contest until Mathue (I think) "sweeps her off of her feet" by scooping her up and carrying her outside to chat.

Unemployed Wes claims that he came here for the prize, and to that end he plays Jillian a country song he wrote for her on his guitar. It's about love not coming easy.

Michael is in the middle of giving Jillian a break dancing lesson when Billbro interrupts and announces that it's time to throw down. Okay, I'm just going to say it. Billbro has Little Man's Syndrome. He's a fitness model for crying out loud, and he's like 5' 5". He gives it a shot and claims to win, but Michael is clearly superior.

Chris taps the glass, but instead of ending the party, he announces that the response to Jillian as The Bachelorette was SO overwhelming that they are now bringing out five extra guys to fight for Jillian. Well this is groundbreaking! What will they think of next? A helicopter ride??

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"We've really outdone ourselves this time!"

Mike, one of the newbies, tosses Jillian a ball and when she catches it, he goes, "You ARE a great catch." Oh brother.

Ed, a newby, tells Jillian that his mom thinks they'd be a good match, but he'll be the judge of that. Just dripping with charm there, Ed.

Tanner P., a newby, has an out-of-control foot fetish. He is way too worried about seeing Jillian's feet and how they are required to look. Gotta love a guy with his priorities in order. And these people wonder why they're single? Jillian thinks he's cute - because she doesn't know about the foot fetish.

Jillian gives David the First Impression Rose for redeeming himself with a nice conversation after choking when he got out of the limo. The other guys are pissed, of course.

Time for the roses! But first Chris sits down with Jillian to go over the evening. Nothing new here. The only thing different about tonight's Rose Ceremony is that Jillian gets to keep 20 guys instead of 15. This is, of course, due to the new and exciting twist of having 30 guys instead of 25. Does it blow your mind completely? Me too.

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"What's this all a-boat?"


Here's how the roses go:

David got the First Impression. Then we have Jake (pilot), Jesse (aspiring Canadian), Wes (unemployed), Mathue (autographed hat), Michael (break dancer), Robert (who?), Ed (his mom likes her), Reid (who?), Simon (subtitles), Krypton (Kiptyn), Mike (she's a catch), Brian D. (Hot Tub Harris), Sasha (Serbian), Julien (restauranteur), Tanner P. (foot fetish), Mark (pizza delivery), Brad (who?), Tanner F. (another Tanner?), Gentleman, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready... Juan (from Argentina). That's it, guys! If you did not receive a rose, say your goodbyes and get lost! Thank goodness we've seen the end of Billbro.

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More to come from these lucky fellas.


Of course, the guys who were not called are completely puzzled and begin to question just how great Jillian actually is. What is her problem?

During exciting highlights of the upcoming season, there are helicopter rides. There are also costumes, including a very alarming glimpse of Jillian dressed like a pioneer.

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The earrings don't really go.

It sounds like they go to Spain, and it sounds like one or more of the guys may have a girlfriend back home. There are lots of tears, as per usual, and Jillian wears a very pretty pale pink dress on the Proposal Platform.

Lots to come! What do you guys think? Are you even watching this season?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

7 comments:

Paul said...

Jillian should be automatically disqualified for eliminating Bilbo. If that wasn't the perfect douche to give rose after rose to and keep around as a pet, I don't know what is. She could've played such awesome mindgames with him, alternately stoking his ego and then swatting him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Maybe she could've convinced him to start wearing platform boots ("so I can judge you fairly against all these tall hunks!").

I think the penalty should be a mid-season swap out of Jillian for Jason's discard, Melissa. Then CH would actually have a legit claim to his bullshit announcements of "the biggest twist in bachelorteet history!"

For the record my money is on the suicidal cowboy singer jackass. Darkhorse: krypton.

Jessica Rae said...

I think I love your recap almost as much as the actual show. You're hilarious.

NoiXdeCoco said...

Yes, I for one am definitely watching. Do you realize that BRAD is the one who started all of this? DeAnna was his reject, then she rejected Jason, who rejected Jillian. I wonder which of these weirdos will be the next Bachelor.

I was personally insulted when they subtitled the Engligh speaking dude. That's a new low, Disney.

Such a funny recap - I loved it. GOL! :)

NoiXdeCoco said...

BTW - that screen capture of Jill's face at the rose ceremony is awesome. She made that face EVERYTIME she called a dude's name.

Diana said...

What was up with her watering her plants in 'rubbers' and hot pants, puh-lease! I liked her dress though. Okay so I totally missed this and didn't remember about it until I saw it on your blog. SO I started to watch it online, but I didn't realize it was a two hour, two part premier! Uh torture! I don't care about anyone yet, some of these guys are weirdos! So we'll she how dumb she winds up being. I may just read your blog instead of watching on this one...

Dan LaTour said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dan LaTour said...

Quite possibly the most hilarious stuff I've read. Thank you!