Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Bachelorette: Trouble? Blame Canada!

Toronto Vancouver

All right folks, this week on The Bachelorette, things are starting to get real. It was all fun and games before, but this week, things are taking a turn for the serious. Do you know what keeps happening? Jillian keeps sending guys home! Here they all are having a grand old time and yet guy after guy is being sent home in shame. It's getting real.

I have a great idea. Let's start back at the barracks with Chris Harrison explaining how the dates will go this week - that will be new and unusual! Three dates this week, a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one. Roses at each, and the two-on-one will be Sophie's Choice.

The guys are thrilled to embark on another exciting episode.

And now for the BIG NEWS. Jillian has left the building and is awaiting the guys' arrival in VANCOUVER (not Toronto) Canada, which is her hometown that I accidentally blasphemed in my first recap by calling it Toronto. I would be sorry, but eh... I don't really care. The guys are totally pumped and start packing their little bags. I have to give a small concession here and say that Vancouver looks beautiful. I'm not booking a flight or anything, but from the aerial shots it looks like a really cool city. Who knew?

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Squealing Jillian knew!

Jillian is dancing around excitedly in front of the Fairmont hotel wearing a very unfortunate dress. She's totally ready to show the guys what Vancouver is all a-boat. Especially since the 2010 Winter Olympics are going to be there. As the limo full of jerks pulls up she starts jumping up and down and doing her annoying squeal. Can she really be this happy to see these idiots? The guys are pleased to not be living in a cabin anymore because their hotel room is what Jillian describes as "wicked." She leaves them with a Date Card and hopefully goes to change her dress. Juan wants a one-on-one so that he can shine and "come out of his skin." Good grief, Juan. But alas, the Date Card is for Krypton and reads, "Let's cook up some love Vancouver style. Love Jill." Jake nods enthusiastically and says that finally here is a girl who likes the nice guys. Whatever, Jake. Have you taken a look around you lately?

When Krypton is dumped off at a park to meet Jillian, they run toward each other while she squeals. You know, Jillian's had a thing for Krypton since he stepped out of the limo. Did you also know that the purpose of the one-on-one date is to see how they interact with each other one-on-one? Neither did I. They're going to start out by kayaking over to a public market. Then they will purchase food there and head back to Jillian's place to make dinner. Aw. As they kayak Jillian suggests a race and then immediately begins to squeal.

"I can totally see myself with someone who kayaks. Totally."

She tells us she needs to know that someone can keep up with her. Well Krypton can do that and more because he wins and of course claims a victory kiss in the kayak. The shopping portion of the date is absolutely fascinating, as grocery shopping often is. Jillian thinks it's adorable that by shopping together she and Krypton are acting like a real-life couple. They sit down on a bench outside the market and discuss the fact that Krypton spends a ton of his time on children's philanthropy. Of course he does. Jillian's like, "I'd do more of that, but I don't have time." To which Krypton backhands, "I don't really have time for it either, but I'm passionate about it so I make time." So there, Selfish Bachelorette! But to counteract her stinginess with regard to children's charity, Jillian starts throwing bread crumbs to some pigeons. See? She's kind to animals - that has to count for something.

Over at "Jillian's apartment" Krypton compliments the d├ęcor - good job, set designers! Then Jillian begins showcasing what a great wife she'd make by starting out on her "special sauce" for the homemade pasta she bought at the grocery store. While she's plating the food, Krypton comes up from behind to nuzzle her neck and Jillian almost has an out of body experience.

Culinary school just paid off!

She tells us that it's every girls dream to be all hot and flustered in the kitchen and then have a guy come up and kiss your neck. Yes, I have that dream every night. What girl doesn't fantasize about making dinner? After dinner they discuss turn-ons. Krypton likes spontaneity (wow, that's original). Jillian says she likes someone who is warm and open and as far as physically Krypton can just go look in the mirror. Krypton tells her that's a great answer and then actually does go and look in the mirror. Just kidding. Krypton gives a lengthy speech about how he usually goes after anything he wants except in matters of the heart - in which this is the first time he's ever made any sort of effort. Jillian's just like, "Yeah, let's make oat."

The guys at the hotel are busy receiving Date Card #2.

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"I could be wrong, guys. But I think this is MY name on here."

Bartender Robby D. reads it and it says, "Jesse, Foot Fetish Tanner, Jake, Robby D., Wes, Ed, Michael, Reid, Juan and Dave... who can sweep me off my feet?" Again with sweeping Jillian off her feet? Wait. The important thing here is that Mike and Mark will be going on the two-on-one date. Mark very profoundly says, "I'm either staying or I'm going." Wow, how'd you figure that out, Mark? And PS: EVERYONE is either staying or going. I'm just saying.

Back at "Jillian's apartment," she can't wait any longer to bestow a rose upon Krypton. She falls all over him telling him how wonderful and amazing he is and then pins it on him. He says he's lucky to be there with her. Jillian says Krypton makes her feel like the only woman in the world. Kiss, kiss, kiss. When Jillian closes the door behind Krypton on his way out she does a stupid little dance.

The next day it's time for the big group date and Jillian announces that they will be doing something Canadian, which is the Olympic sport of curling. Wow, hold me back. Michael begins by doing some can-can cheerleading moves, how masculine. I'm not even going to attempt to explain this sport.

Meanwhile Date Card #3 arrives and it says, "Mark and Mike: come with me to the top of the world. -Jillian." Then Chris has stuck in his note that says, "One rose, one stays, one goes."

At the curling rink, Jillian announces that whichever team wins the curling match gets to spend the evening with Jillian and without the losing team. Michael takes the opportunity to step to the side and cuddle with Jillian because she looks so hot in her sweatshirt and spandex. It turns out that the red team wins, which includes Jesse, Jake, Dave, Juan and Bartender Robby D. Reid (from the blue team) has a theory that Jillian would rather spend the evening with the blue team. Sure, Reid.

Olympians in training, clearly.

Jillian takes the red team onto a boat for the evening, pops a bottle of champagne and squeals. She announces that Jesse is the MVP of the day since he won the match for the red team. This means nothing, except that Jesse gets his ego stroked. He claims that he's planning on becoming a Canadian citizen, so it's good he learned curling - or something stupid.

"Champagne? Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Over dinner, Jillian pulls Jake away for some alone time. Jake goes into "Mr. Perfect" mode and tells us what a nice guy he is. He tells Jillian that their first date (the one at the House of Blues) was like the best night ever and it made his year and it made his whole life. Puh-lease. Jillian says her impression of Jake is that he's so perfect, and everything he says is perfect. Jake takes this as a compliment, giggles and bows his head in humility.

"Shucks, I know. I'm pure perfection."

Then he admits that a bunch of his ex-girlfriends also thought he was oh-so-perfect. Jillian says it's okay not to be perfect, then Jake's face drops and he immediately back pedals, saying he's not too perfect. Does he honestly think that any real person is looking for perfection? I mean, what an expectation to have to live up to. Anyone with a brain doesn't want someone "perfect" or claiming to be perfect. It's all suspicious. Jake tells us that he's had to deal with being "too perfect" his whole life and if being perfect isn't enough, he just doesn't know what Jillian is looking for. Ha ha ha. That's a pickle, Jake.

Jesse gets alone time next and he is wearing a dorky golf hat. He tells Jillian that even though they haven't had that much time alone together, he got the feeling that she keeps him around through each Rose Ceremony because she feels a connection with him and is planning to have alone time with him. Jillian's like, "Uh, yep." Then Jesse pours it on about how impressed he is with Jillian, which of course leads to kissing.

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"So would you be up for 9 holes after a quickie?"

Ew, Dave is up next. He announces to Jillian that they have a good connection and that he loved seeing her in spandex today. He also tells her that he saw her checking out her own ass in reflections today, which Jillian vehemently denies. Dave says that Jillian makes him completely comfortable, noting the way she's sitting with her knee up, which causes her to look down and start adjusting her top. Dave observes that even sitting there with her "tits" hanging out Jillian is totally comfortable. Jillian giggles and Dave tries to kiss her but she turns her head and only gives him cheek. She does continue to giggle, but tells him that he doesn't get a kiss after saying "tits." Dave immediately goes into defense mode, saying that everyone else has kissed her and he wouldn't have even tried except that he's afraid he'll be at a disadvantage as the only one who hasn't kissed her.

"I mean it, ho. This isn't funny."

Jillian says she hasn't kissed everyone and that day at the ghost town was acting, okay? Sure Jillian. Sure it was. Dave tries to salvage the situation by reaching for the neckline of Jillian's top, but she pulls away and Dave assures her that if they were under different circumstances he would have already kissed her by now for sure. To us he says that Jillian is into him, but trying to test him by refusing to kiss him. HA HA HA! That's hilarious. He says he's up for the challenge and totally excited. Gross! Jillian gathers the guys around and presents the rose to Jesse. In your faces, Jake and Dave!

Mark and Mike are as nervous as hens the next morning primping for the big two-on-one. They cluck around ironing and fixing their hair. Jillian laments to us that this is going to be one of the most difficult dates, oh my gosh. She's waiting for them at a park and when they get there Mike takes off in a gallop toward her, leaving Mark trailing along like an idiot.

Mike runs.jpg
A producer must have waved a fake contract in the air.

Both guys gush over Vancouver and Jillian leads them over to... wait for it... a helicopter! There is the standard oohing and ahhing over being in a helicopter - and with Jillian of all things just makes it that much better! Mike gets super brave and sits next to Jillian and holds her hand. They land on the top of a mountain and head inside a lodge-type building for dinner, where Mike goes off on how wonderful and amazing Jillian is. They have an odd discussion about whether or not each of them would be okay if they never find that "certain someone." Jillian says she totally wouldn't then Mark finally pipes up and says he's thought about just giving up on love, getting a dog and moving to Alaska, and he actually thinks he might be okay with that. Jillian gives the guys a sob story about how hard this is going to be and Mark says they're grown-ups and can handle her decision. HA! This episode is making me laugh more than most.

Mike gets alone time first and tells Jillian how happy he is to be here with her and he is so ready to find the love of his life and he's happy to take a risk and put it all out there, blah, blah blah. Jillian says she can for sure tell that Mike is here for the right reasons. Mike goes on and on about how he will take care of Jillian and make her happy. He can totally see himself falling in love with her. Aw, look at him putting himself oat there. It's so special!

During Mark's alone time he tells Jillian about mistakes he's made in past relationships and how he's been burned. Ah ha! This is just what Jillian's been looking for - someone who's had his heart broken, bingo! He also says that he's not quick to say that he's falling in love because he's done that before and ended up hurt. Jillian whines again that this is sooooo hard because she's going to hurt one of them and Mark tells her not to worry about them, but to be selfish and worry about making the right decision for herself. They pontificate over the fact that it's possible to find love anywhere - even on the Bachelorette.

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"This just got real."

After a close-up of the rose, Jillian gives her disclaimer one last time about how difficult this decision is. On the one hand Mike is so open and says all the right things, but on the other hand, Jillian can sense how Mark feels and she understands. Aaaaand... tonight she's giving the rose to Mark. Does Mike know how hard this is for her? Jeepers, maybe he would if she would say it a few more times. Mike tries to be gracious and says that Jillian deserves to be happy. Then he embarks on his Ride of Shame down the mountain on a gondola. He's in total shock over not getting the rose. Didn't he say everything he was supposed to say? What went wrong? What is the problem? And Mike isn't the only one who's shocked. The guys can't believe their eyes as Mike's luggage is hauled off. Well too bad.

It's Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Highlights Time!

Jillian literally has to restrain herself from just snuggling with Reid because she needs to actually hear words come out of his mouth to see if they are compatible. It turns out that Jillian's first crush was on a guy named Vincent who had dark hair and sang her a song. Reid gathers that Wes has this in the bag.

Wes is wearing a lavender shirt and he sits down with Jillian to tell her how much he's missed her. He's in the middle of saying "I have a lot of love to give..." when one of the guys screams out the window, "Disgusting!" The guys have pretty much had it with Wes. A few minutes ago he said that he can be in love with several people at once. Plus he never stops singing, so I think the guys are ready for him to go. Foot Fetish Tanner even says that Wes told him he has a girlfriend at home he still likes.

Jake gets more alone time to show us how many teeth he has. He tells Jillian that it was very disheartening for him to hear her say that she wants him to be himself - because he has been himself! Perfect IS himself. He hints at the fact that there are some guys here who shouldn't be. (You know, they're not here for the right reasons.)

Here comes Foot Fetish Tanner's Big Scene. He tells her that some of the guys are fake and not telling her everything. In fact! He's heard "some guys" say, "I have a girlfriend back home." This makes Jillian start crying and ask if anyone will tell her who it is, but Foot Fetish Tanner has already said too much.

Jillian calls the guys together, announces that she knows there are some people who shouldn't be here, she's got some thinking to do, and this cocktail party is OVER! Stomp, stomp, stomp!

Chris tries to console Jillian in the Hall of Photos. Jillian is determined that someone must confess and apologize for wasting her time. This is breaking her heart! She is absolutely flabbergasted to discover that a guy might go on a TV show for a reason other than to try to be her husband (easy on the H-word). Flabbergasted!

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"Uh, Jillian? There are still 2 hours of cocktail party left. Let's get back to taping."

Chris lines the guys up, brings Jillian out, and says we're going to stand here until someone comes forward to clear all this up.

Jake is first and he steps forward to say that he is here to find love and would be really mad to find out someone is here wasting his time. Now who is it? Foot Fetish Tanner looks like he's trying desperately not to cry, scream and run out of there.

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How's that for a foot in the mouth, Tanner?

Robby D. announces to the group that he and Michael got screwed tonight because they didn't get alone time and now they might be sent away. And all because someone is here for the wrong reasons!

A couple of guys volunteer that they DON'T have girlfriends (including Wes) and Dave suggests that Jillian reveals who told her that someone has a girlfriend. But Chris Harrison says that Jillian does not need to reveal what was told to her in confidence.

This goes on for a while, but no one says anything. So Jillian needs some more time to think and then she'll come back and give out roses. When she comes back Chris thanks everyone for being open and honest. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA!!!! No one said anything!

Okay, remember that Krypton, Jesse and Mark already have roses. Here come the rest: Reid, Robby D., Ed, Michael, Wes, Jake... gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready... Foot Fetish Tanner! Whoa-ho! So Dave and Juan are going to be sent off to fight each other to the death! Juan is in total shock and has no idea why he's been dismissed. PS, he doesn't have a girlfriend. Dave marches up to Jillian and says, "Why?" She chickens out on telling him that he's a douche and she just shrugs and says, "I don't know, it just wasn't right." David is sure that Juan said something mean about him to Jillian. Ha ha ha ha ha! Yes Dave, that MUST be it.

Next week, Jillian takes the guys skiing in Whistler. There is more zip lining, a flight, and further interrogation. Foot Fetish Tanner tells US that the one with a girlfriend is Wes, but it's not clear if he tells Jillian. But it does appear as though Jillian confronts and dismisses SOMEONE, so we'll see.

What do you think? I mean, obviously Foot Fetish Tanner is talking about Wes, and obviously Wes is here to promote himself as a singer, but what is going to go down???

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

1 comment:

Toronto Realtor said...

God I love her squealing, it pretty much says it all. One squeal and you know her whole personality. Although I must say, the show shows a lot of creativity. I'm sure it's the producers though, so good job on that one.

Take care, Elli