The Bachelorette: Redefining ED

"Who's going to be the best in the sack?"

Guess what. Spain just wasn't enough. A European vacation wasn't about to cut it and so TONIGHT The Bachelorette is going on her "dates of a lifetime" in Maui. It's pretty much going to be a rerun of last week, just with different scenery and no Wes. And one overnight date "goes terribly wrong," meaning of course, nothing.

We join Jillian wandering around on the beach in a pre-teen bikini telling us all about these three guys who are the most special to her. She's waited SO LONG for all of this to happen - two months to be exact. But now that it's gotten this far, she's not sure how to make her final decision. And to prove it, she sits down in the sand, draws a heart with her finger, then inside the heart writes "J + ?" OH BROTHER! We get it! This is such crap. Next!

The first date is Krypton so get ready to be bored. They meet on a bridge and passionately embrace. Krypton says this is getting very "real" for him. Catch up, Krypton! It got real for everyone else weeks ago. Jillian puts him in a golf cart and drives him over to a ropes course. You see, this is going to help them build trust with one another so that they can be effective parents together. It will also prove to Jillian that Krypton will be there for her when the going gets tough. They harness up and start going through the course exercises. Jillian whimpers and worries, which - I'll be honest - is exactly what I would be doing, and Krypton is able to be the tough hero. Wow, I can really tell he's going to be a great dad someday. There's this one part called the leap of faith where they climb up on top of these poles and then have to jump off and grab on to a trapeze. THIS I could not do. Which I guess is the point - no one thinks they can do it and then you build confidence by doing it. Anyhoo, Krypton leaps forward and grabs the trapeze and Jillian more like steps off the pole and goes straight down.

Love is just a leap of faith, Jillian!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yes, that's probably what I would do, but it was still funny. As you can imagine, this is the perfect opportunity for Jillian to have herself a squeal fest.

After Krypton's leap of faith and Jillian's step of shame, Krypton feeds her some strawberries and they marvel over all the traveling they've done this season. Later that night, Jillian whines a whole bunch more a-boat how insecure she is around Krypton. You see, he's always been the dumper in his relationships - never the dumpee, so Jillian is almost positive that if she chooses Krypton, she'll get dumped. Welcome to fifth grade, people. Actually, she might get dumped tonight because she comes out to meet Krypton for dinner wearing a black unitard. I'm serious, this looks like a black tank top and black trousers, except it's all one piece. It's a giant singlet. They sit down to dinner and Krypton tells us that Jillian is the type of woman he could spend his life with... I'm dozing off. Basically Krypton says he's never had a relationship he's been fully committed to and Jillian gets drunk.

"Hey Krypton, what does this say? I'm seeing two envelopes..."

Fantasy Card Second Try! And wouldn't you know it, THIS week, Jillian is ready to commit herself body and soul to Krypton. Those few more days of making oat with other guys have given Jillian the assurance she needs to sleep with Krypton tonight. Ew! Krypton is a terrible kisser. He kisses her with his mouth hanging open and his tongue sticking out. It looks so gross and unsexy. Luckily Jillian is wasted and doesn't notice so they head for the fantasy suite. It's the usual crap - rose petals, candles, a giant bed. The end.

Reid is next and Jillian greets him with a beach ball and wearing some little gray and yellow tank dress. Jillian tells us that her main concern is that she needs Reid to communicate with her. Translation: Reid needs to solemnly swear to propose to me at the end of this. They have a highly original helicopter ride to take in all of the Maui scenery. Reid compares the flight to being in heaven. Tell it to Jillian, Reid, she's begging you. The helicopter pilot takes a moment to plug his business by telling Reid and Jillian that he is the only ordained minister/helicopter pilot in the state and that getting married right here in this helicopter would be awesome. Easy on the h-word, there, captain. Reid keeps assuring us that he's not the type to rush into a marriage. Jillian tells us that she can easily picture Reid standing at the altar at their wedding waiting for her to walk down the aisle. I don't think the question is whether he'll look good in a tux, Jillian, but nice sentiment. They sit down to a little picnic and the hounding commences.

"Does this chick EVER shut up?"

Jillian wants to know what Reid is afraid of, when Reid wants to get married, how much Reid likes her, how he wants her to wear her hair for the wedding. Reid says this is really hard for him because he feels rushed. Jillian's like, "What do you mean? You're not feeling it?" Reid says he's feeling it, but it's on warp speed. Jillian's like, "You just have to tell me. You just have to tell me." More, more, more! Man, she's needy.

Later at dinner, Jillian is really annoyed that Reid just can't seem to tell her how he feels. See, I disagree. I think he's been pretty clear in saying that he likes her a lot, but that he's not comfortable feeling so rushed. I guess to Jillian, only a proposal counts as communication. When Jillian finally demands an answer to the proposal question, Reid says, "Maybe." See Reid, that's not communicating. Jillian says she's not getting the answers she needs and out comes the Fantasy Card. This time of course, Jillian says yes and Reid promises that he will make another attempt to answer her questions correctly. When they sit down on the candlelit couch, Reid tells Jillian he has serious feelings for her, and this could be the l-word - down the road. The next shot we get is this:

Good enough! Off with your clothes!

And then we cut to the two of them sitting in a bubble bath making out and drinking wine. That's quite enough.

Ew, here comes Ed. Ed has major problems, the first of which being that he is ABC's bitch and is doing whatever they ask him to do. This could very well mean that he is being groomed to be the next Bachelor and if that happens then heaven help us all. He's dull enough, so it just might. Jillian mounts him as soon as she sees him and then they embark on that Bachelor/ette staple second only to the helicopter - the catamaran. Jillian mostly just wants to ride with her legs wrapped around Ed while she sucks on his ear. Eventually they talk and Ed says he hasn't thought about work at all. Well this is a 180! After work weighed on his mind SO MUCH that he had to give up Jillian and run back to it suddenly he hasn't thought about it once? Well, in the interest of catching up Jillian wants to know something a-boat Ed's family and he says that they all call him Richie. Oh my gosh, this guy's a douche. He gets into his swimsuit which is these tiny green shorts from the 1970s. I know he thinks he's being quirky and funny and I might agree if he had one shred of personality, but as it is, he just looks like a bigger idiot by the second. It's all so forced. They jump off of the boat into the water and Jillian straight up tells us that she can't wait to wrap her legs around him. My gosh, just skip to the suite and get it over with. But before we can do that Ed tells Jillian that he feels bad once again for missing the hometown dates and as such, he has flown his parents to Maui to meet her. Oh right, I'm sure Ed dug deep into his unemployed pockets to fly his parents to Hawaii. Puh-lease. They must have an ugly house in Chicago. But either way, Ed's parents are here, which means we're going to have to meet them - if Jillian can unwrap her legs long enough.

Here he is ladies, the man of your dreams.

Ed wears his hot pants over to talk to his parents and Jillian bounces around squealing. Isn't she fun? Ed's parents are hanging out in Hawaiian shirts wondering what the crap is going on. Immediately Jillian begins chattering and doesn't stop for breath for the next five minutes. "You have no idea what your son has been putting me through. He is exactly what I'm looking for. He is tall, dark and handsome. I love his eyes. He's so smart. I love that he loves his job. He has a great family and I know all about Christmas at your house." Okay, shut up. Annoying much? The mom takes Jillian outside for a private chat. It's your funeral, mom. The mom says she didn't think this was the type of thing that Ed would do. Jillian says she didn't like it when Ed went home. What an illuminating conversation. Inside Ed's dad goes, "What in the HELL are we doing here? What is going on?" My sentiments exactly, Ed's dad. Welcome to hell. Ed says something about salvaging his job (yeah right), and he's really liking this girl, they're really getting along. Also he'll propose if she picks him. That sounds so stupid to me. He's already planning to propose to someone who may or may not want to marry him because she may or may not want to marry someone else. Ed seems very confused to me. I wouldn't count on him for one second because he seems like he's blown around with the wind. Ed's dad comes out to replace his wife in talking to Jillian. He tells her he wants to know a lot about her, so Jillian launches into another speech which basically leads to her declaring that she and Ed are in the same place in their lives and then the dad starts crying and says he just wants them to be happy. Okay he's drunk. He thinks Jillian is a "really nice person." This is so ridiculous. And apparently this little interlude has cleared up all of the questions Jillian ever had a-boat Ed and she's ready to get naked! I guess meeting Ed's parents replaced dinner so they just stroll over to the beach and out comes the Fantasy Card. What do you think they decide? As they scamper off to their room Jillian tells us that she's proud of Ed. Proud of him? For what? What has this guy done to make himself a hero?

I interrupt this recap to bring you a very serious warning. What is about to happen is in very poor taste and could cause vomiting. If you value your sanity at all, do not read on. Or read on and be very grateful that you didn't have to see this crap on the screen. I promise, it's gross. Okay, you've been warned.

"Ugh, why did I watch that?"

First of all, Jillian can't stop telling us how sexy Ed is. I just don't see it. I think he's bordering on retarded - mentally and looks-wise. He has these bulging glazed-over eyes and he lumbers around in short shorts muttering half-sentences. Ape-like. They get to their room with the candles and the rose petals and Ed makes his retard speech. He wants someone to come home to so that he's not checking his email until midnight. He wants Jillian to be there so that he'll stop working. Oh that is so romantic! He's absolutely falling in love with Jillian and he's never felt this way. Jillian is beaming and eating this right up. She is so easily convinced. He carries her into the bedroom and instead of cutting away we have to sit here and watch as Jillian heads for the bathroom and emerges wearing someone's idea of a hot nightie. It's a white long sleeved t-shirt thing with a really low v-neck so you can tell she's not wearing a bra. Seriously? On camera people?

"Look everyone! I put on my special FUN oatfit!"

She takes off Ed's shirt and they start rubbing oil all over each other. This is just insulting. We get an exterior shot of the hotel and see their light go off... then come back on. Jillian starts telling us that the fantasy date went wrong. They were both sunburned and exhausted, but the physical chemistry wasn't happening. Ed says he was nervous and couldn't show Jillian that he really loves her.

I think she's trying to revive him.

That's all we get and that's the end of that. Wow, that was earth shattering. I'm far more annoyed at what they DID show us than at what DIDN'T happen. Who cares? So we get new meaning to the term E.D., big deal. It was probably the long sleeved t-shirt. Or the fact that ED is retarded.

The next day Jillian shows up to go over everything with Chris Harrison. Thank you, but no. And now here's something I haven't seen in quite some time: each of the guys has recorded a video message for Jillian. Oh wow, I bet these will all be really interesting and original! Let's see what they have to say. Krypton recaps their travelogue , then says it feels like the beginning of a relationship and he can see himself falling in love with her. If she'd like to pursue him she should and they can light the world on fire. Calm down, there Krypton. Don't give yourself a stroke.

"I promise to wait at least until After the Final Rose to dump you."

Next is Reid and he talks about how much he loved spending the night with Jillian because it gave him insight into his feelings for her. He talks about having a hard time answering all of her questions and that his feelings have grown so quickly that it frightens him. He ends with saying he hopes she keeps her honey bear around longer so they can see where this is headed. Honey bear? Oh boy.

Honey Bear still ain't buying no ring.

Ed is last and he says that Jillian has made him change his perspective on life. We see Jillian reacting to this and clearly believing that she has, in fact, changed Ed's perspective on life. Dream on, Jillian. He wants to take their relationship to the next level and he'd love an opportunity to spend the rest of his life with her and propose to her. He loves her. BS! That seems so fake to me. The whole thing. It's like he had a teleprompter. Of course, Jillian is already wondering if she can change back into the long sleeved white t-shirt and have another half hour alone with ED.

"Oo, oo, aah, aah."

While we all watched the videos the guys were arriving for the Rose Ceremony. Ed showed up wearing an extremely ill-thought-out pastel blue Easter suit. He is a huge mess.

Who wants to hunt for Easter eggs?

Jillian comes out all flustered to thank everyone for sleeping with her, but before she can proceed she needs a moment alone with Erectile Dysfunction. She tells him she knows there's been a lot of pressure, but she's worried about what will happen if they just don't have any physical chemistry. Ed says he's had a hard time adjusting, but he needs Jillian to just trust him and not worry about anything. He's crazy about her and she shouldn't have any doubts about that. Good enough for Jillian and it's time for the roses!

She stands there for what feels like a week between every sentence that she utters. They are QUITE determined that each episode goes for two full hours and not a minute less! Krypton gets the first rose, and gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready. And that warning came from me, not Chris Harrison, who is severely slacking in his duties. Anyway, I had time to heat up a frozen pizza in the oven before Jillian finally said, "Ed." And that's the end of the Rose Ceremony.

Reid bids the other guys a fond farewell and then walks over to a bench to find out how Jillian could possibly do this to him. Jillian says that Reid is everything she's been looking for. He can be her best friend and make her laugh, but she worries that they are in different places because he hasn't gone out and purchased a ring yet. Reid's like, "Duh, I should have opened up more and given you the signs you needed." In his Ride of Shame Reid laments and laments that he should have told Jillian what she wanted to hear when he had the chance. He just let the perfect girl slip through his fingers. Your loss, Reid. You deal with it.

"How could she deny the Honey Bear?"

As Jillian sobs on the bench, ED walks over to comfort her. He really is a hero!

We're finally coming down to the end! The finale will apparently take place on the big island of Hawaii. But next week is the Men Tell Nothing, which I definitely will NOT be recapping for the sake of my own well-being. But be sure to tune in if you are at all interested in seeing how Jason and Molly are doing and what size shoes Baby Trista is wearing this week.

I'll see you all for the finale!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta