Models of the Runway: Newspaper Filler

No one can tear their eyes away.

This week on Models of the Runway nothing much happens. Shocking, I know.

Well moments before...Meth Johnny and Nicholas were getting schooled on the runway by her royal highness, Heidi Klum. Nicholas's dress was boring:

And looked like a cockroach.

And Johnny's did not impress them:

And Emarie looks like a homeless Tinkerbell.

So Emarie and Celine are shaking in their stilettos. Emarie is quite vocal about how amazingly talented Johnny is, how he should definitely not go home, and that he deserves another chance.

"But he's BRILLIANT!"

We all saw the tantrum he threw when Tim told him his first dress was ridiculous, and then the story he told about the iron. I'm so confused about that iron story. It's stupid and sad that he felt like he needed to lie, but it's also kind of dumb how offended everyone is over it. Even Tim took great exception to Johnny's story on the runway. Why would Tim care? Anyhoo, Johnny's out and Emarie is prime for the chopping. The suspense is long gone now that designers and models are pretty much paired for good. Let's see what this episode will present to us as entertainment...

Meanwhile Kalyn is elated that Irina won the challenge with her paper trenchcoat:

Is she going to open it up and sell paper watches?

Tim even referred to some paper raincoat from the 60s when he saw what Irina was working on. That is just absurd. A paper raincoat? Unless that paper is laminated, you might as well be naked. And Tim tells the story with drop dead sincerity. So this is the fashion world. They take themselves so seriously that when someone designs a toilet paper bathing suit they all sit around nodding lest anyone suspect they don't understand this latest milestone. People, the emperor has no clothes. Or he's standing in a cloudburst wearing newspaper while the nearby homeless are smart enough to huddle under a plastic tarp. Is it fashion irony? Is it avant garde? No wonder I shop at Forever 21.

Emarie is very sad to be losing her good buddy Johnny and she tells the other models about the fabled "Dior" dress that was ruined by the steamer. And even though Project Runway ended five minutes ago, still no one's buying it.

"It was a steaming tragedy."

But here comes Johnny to hug Emarie goodbye and tell everyone that he's fine and had tons of fun. And also that Nicholas is a huge douche for throwing him under the bus. He warns Celine that Nicholas will be out next, so she better be ready to go. Celine literally shakes her head and says, "Whatever." I like her! We haven't seen much of her, but that little reaction there was great.

Where have you been hiding?

Onto the runway to remember that none of these girls is anywhere near as spectacular as Heidi. She asks the girls if any of them have worn paper before. No they haven't, because none of them live on the street. In a triumph of irrelevancy, Heidi announces that she once wore an 18 foot python. Fascinating. Then she says, "That was not so schön."

Heidi, they can barely understand English. Let's cool it on the German.

Ich liebe Deutsch! Schön means beautiful or great, so I guess the python is OUT. We learn that the designers forbade their models from sitting, eating, using the bathroom, basically LIVING between the time they got dressed and the show, which ended up being seven or eight hours. And thus we learn another grand challenge of being a model. I admit, I would complain if I were in this situation. But then I'd remember how much models get paid and I'd shut the crap up and hold the crap still. Vanessa announces to the other girls that she's wearing Depends and I can't tell if she's joking or not. Dream Team, bah. More like Oops I Crapped My Pants Team.

Lisa, who wore this:

Launches into a pity party because she had to be LIFTED onto the stage and then LIFTED back down again. She was DRAINED, people. Drained, do you understand? Oh calm down. Don't you realize your fellow models had to get themselves up onto the stage without help? You were lifted and didn't even have to use your own power. All of this is HARD!!! Or harsh, as Heidi says. Poor, poor models. Vanessa says that Ra'mon gave her a bag full of protein bars and told her that's what she had to eat today. Like she eats, pshhh. Heidi asks if everyone is getting along at the house and they generally give her blank stares. Heidi's like, "Okay great! Good luck!"

"Oh, did you want us to answer that?"

Oh here we go back to the modelplex to hear African Fat Ma's deep thoughts on the Problems in America Today. First of all, everyone complains about being fat. Well Fat Ma, that's because clothing designers hire people like YOU to show us what we're supposed to look like. She states that people in Africa are starving to death. Well, bring them over to be models. Then they'll get paid to starve to death. Next item: America has a high teen suicide rate. Don't American teens know that African teens have bigger problems to worry about than they ever will? Well, yes, but all anyone has to go on is their own reality, Fat Ma. American teens live with their messed up parents and cruel fellow teens every day, just like African teens might be hungry every day. Suffering is suffering, and knowing other people are suffering in other ways doesn't make your problems seem smaller when you're a teenager with no perspective. Don't the African kids know that American teens get cyber bullied? Sheesh.

Later we learn something mildly interesting - Emarie has a baby! Why has Kojii been the only one screaming about being a mother if she isn't the only mother? Emarie's son's name is Ty, presumably named for Tyra Banks, the greatest model known to man (second to Heidi, shhh), and Ty is getting ready to go to bed. Wow, call the newspaper. Oh wait, the models are wearing the newspaper. Anyway, Ty made Emarie grow up in a hurry and now she's out to win this competition for him. I guess Ty and Kojii's baby are going to have to fight it out over which mom is the best role model. Guess what else. Emarie and Ebony are besties forever. Also, Kalyn has never been out of the country (no!) and she's telling Matar how much she'd love to visit Israel. And tomorrow is an Israeli holiday. Kalyn goes, "I love holidays." LOL. What doesn't she love?

"This water bottle is pretty!"

Elsewhere in the house, the Dream Team has expanded into Team A, including: Cheetos, Ebony, Emarie, Lisa and Vanessa. This rubs some of the other girls the wrong way. Especially Fat Ma, which surprises me - she usually seems so happy and upbeat. Doesn't Team A know that people in Africa are starving to death? Is it Elimination time yet?

The A Team with dyslexia.

It is and Celine is worried because designers usually only keep her for two challenges and then switch out. And Nicholas was in the bottom two, so there's no telling. Heidi comes out to greet the designers with a "Guten Tag!" What's up with all the German today? Well here come the models and remember, a model can make or break an outfit!

As the winner, Irina goes first and stays with Kalyn. I bet Kalyn loves being chosen. Louise stays with Fat Ma to really give those starving Africans something to cry about. Nicholas wants to stay with his lovely Simone. Celine looks a little confused and then Nicholas realizes he called her Simone. Dumbass.

"Look away! I'm hideous!"

Heidi totally fake laughs. Nothing's funny unless it comes from her! And so we go on, with everyone sticking with their models until we come to Ra'mon, who drops his head into his hands and rubs his forehead like he is beyond tormented. Vanessa, his model, whines viciously to the camera that if Ra'mon wants to choose someone else, then choose someone else, but don't pause like that - it's torture!! Ra'mon hems and haws and then... chooses Vanessa. She trots offstage while Ra'mon tells us

that he's a hero.

Wow Ra'mon. Finally Matar and Emarie are hanging out on the runway and Epperson once again holds the fate of all humanity in his hands. Well he picks Matar and with nothing like surprise, Emarie is out. Seriously? We still have like 12 more episodes and the mystery is G-O-N-E. Backstage the girls sob and bawl like this doesn't happen every couple of days. Emarie is sad, but happy to go home to Ty. Ebony feels SO alone. Boo hoo hoo.

"Why do they keep sending people away?"

Next week we're back to drooling over Logan and we have redemption! EVERY designer MUST choose a new model! FINALLY!

Can you stay awake until then?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta