Monday, December 07, 2009

Jersey Shore: Situation - Ronnie Wins, Mike Loses

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"I knew these would pay off!"

Jersey Shore, The Premiere continues. So where were we? Ah yes, Snooki has been pouting in her bed and no one really noticed, which means she's not getting enough attention and therefore wants to go home and forget the whole thing. If you ask me, packing her crap is a last desperate ploy for attention which will most likely work.

In the morning Mike has decided to try to make up for last night's hot tub indiscretion by making eggs for Sammi and telling her how excited he is to work a shift with her today at the t-shirt shop.

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"I made you eggs, so you'll sleep with me now, right?"

He wants to know if she is at all attracted to him and Sammi goes, "Yeah..." then ducks her head and giggles. Mike figures he has this "situation" in the bag. He tells her he's not afraid to say there's "a little bit" of attraction on his side as well, how generous of him.

Today Pauly D and Angelina are the first pair to work a shift at the t-shirt shop and wouldn't you know it - it's raining cats and dogs. They somehow manage to arrive on time and Danny briefs them on how very important it is for them to make the sales once the day gets going. Angelina doesn't like this at all. She is not at the Jersey Shore to work, she is here to NOT cheat on her boyfriend! Danny senses that she may have trouble pestering people who come into the store. Angelina asks if she'll need to be working, what, about once a week? Danny laughs and tells her she'll be working a lot more often than once a week. Angelina tells us that this job is beneath her because she is a bartender and does great things. Let me repeat that: This job is beneath her because she is a bartender and does great things. I think the scale of greatness around here is way out of proportion. It's a sad situation when a bright orange tan, scanty clothes and disfiguring makeup constitute greatness. Okay, so selling t-shirts on the beach isn't exactly curing cancer, but neither is bartending. In fact, what's the big difference? That at her regular job her customers are too drunk not to like her?

As the day gets going Angelina realizes that one of the main problems for her is working eight or nine hours IN ONE DAY. Seriously? Where do these people think their dads were all day while they were growing up? I'm sure they were gone for eight or nine hours every day. That's called a job. She can't make any sales, so Danny puts her on hanger duty, which she can't do either. He starts calling her "Jolie" which is funny, though way too good a nickname for her, and yet easier to type than Angelina, so it may stick.

Back home Sammi has joined Snooki in her bedroom to try and convince her to stay. Snooki says that no one understands her here, while back home she is the Princess of Poughkeepsie. (Is there prize money associated with that title?)

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No, but there is a free spray tan.

In other words, she's not the center of attention and she's not used to competing for that role. Plus she's not mature enough to be on her own right now. I'm sure that part is true, but I doubt it's her real reason. Sammi tries to get Snooki to "stay wid it," by telling her that no, she did not like her the first night because of how sloppy she was, but the next day she realized that there was more to Snooki than the drunken slob of night number one. Wow, thanks for sharing your feelings Sammi. Snooki thanks Sammi for her offer of friendship, but she still hasn't decided if this gamble for attention has paid off.

Naturally the boys have headed to the gym to get their guido on. Mike skips backwards on the treadmill and then tells us that they take the gym very seriously.

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The senior citizens on the neighboring treadmills look way more serious.

They work hard and eat the proper food afterwards - meaning a protein bar. Yawn. On the ride home Mike and Ronnie discuss going out and Mike wants to know why Ronnie didn't take advantage of the street girls who came willingly to the hot tub last night. Ronnie says if he just wanted to get sloppy he would have gone ahead and pounded Snooki the very first night. Ha! That is so true and so repulsive at the same time. PS, he would definitely pound out Sammi. Just the fact that he calls making love "pounding out" tells me that he's not ready. Mike wonders if Ronnie will mean competition in the race for Sammi's favor, but quickly rules it out because of his abs and all around good looks, conveniently forgetting that Ronnie is just as ripped and orange.

At home Snooki has decided to stay so she can party and meet sexy guidos, big surprise. She heads to the t-shirt shop to let Pauly D and Jolie know that she's staying and also to buy something that makes her look hot - a new face? ZING. Pauly D takes a moment to tell us that in a weird world he and Snooki would make the best little guido and guidette kids with poofs and blow outs. Oh please spare the world that disaster.

Later on Sammi and Mike come to do the second shift at the t-shirt shop and Mike decides that this is his big chance to bestow some of his magnificence on the unsuspecting shoppers of the Jersey Shore. His strategy is to pounce on any female clientele, lift his shirt over his head, then convince them to buy booty shorts with iron-on lettering that says "I Love The Situation." And it works! Guidette after guidette drools over the abs and purchases the world's tackiest pair of butt shorts.

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Mike's third customer proudly displays his purchase.

Danny is pleased because it's cash in his pocket, but Mike is over here telling us what mass appeal he has. I guess if you want to say that pleasing the very subculture that you strive to epitomize means mass appeal, then sure. Sammi looks on and laughs at it all. She's got a good attitude, which makes her endearing. She also knows when to keep her mouth shut. I'm kind of rooting for her, which makes me cringe.

As the roomies get ready to hit the town on their first big night out we come back to the topic of Jwoww's boyfriend. She admits that she likes flirting with Pauly D but she would be stupid to mess up what she has going on back home. I bet she will anyway. As for Jolie, she's on the phone with HER boyfriend, who is trying desperately to get off the phone and get some things done. Jolie tells us that he's terrified she's going to cheat on him, but he really didn't sound too concerned to me. Oh and here's how Jwoww ensures that she won't mess up what she has going on back home:

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"My boyfriend is proud of what he paid for."

The others are smothering themselves in clouds of hairspray and cologne, donning their sunglasses and pre-drinking. They decide to swing by the t-shirt shop to taunt Mike and Sammi who have to work and Mike is really put out that the roomies would have the nerve to go out while he and Sammi are stuck working. Mike would never go out unless everyone could come. Oh that is such crap. He flips them all off as they head out to a club appropriately named Karma. Right away Vinny hits the floor and starts dirty dancing with a plump middle aged lady, telling us it's hilarious. Yes, I can't stop laughing, how about you?

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Wow, Vinny is the biggest player in the club. Look out!

Snooki is elsewhere in the club trying to find an orange muscle man to bring home.

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Apparently in blackface.

She spots one that will do, but as she drags him across the room a cute blonde girl stops her yelling out that it's her boyfriend. Oops. She finally finds an unattached guido and promptly guides him out of the club and back to the house. Jolie also doesn't hesitate for one second to grind up on any guy who will buy her a drink - boyfriend be damned.

In a slightly interesting turn of events Jwoww has turned her full attention to Pauly D, who tells us he is happy to be "that guy," meaning the one who is the plaything for Jwoww while she's away from her boyfriend. Well good, everyone is happy then!

Later when Mike and Sammi return from the t-shirt shop they are too tired to begin the whole guido grooming process so they decide to chill out on the roof and gossip. Sammi wants to know if any of the guys in the house are into her. Mike immediately says "Definitely not Ronnie." Hmm, so much for Ronnie not being a threat to Mike. This is totally going to backfire on him too because now Sammi will see Ronnie as a challenge. They are soon joined by Snooki and her flavor of the evening... and then all the other roomies make it home to pass out.

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We'd like to thank our fine sponsor - Lays Potato Chips!

Jwoww and Pauly D have quite the tease-a-thon on his bed, which leads to Jwoww discovering that Pauly D has a very special piercing that "no one knows about"... until now when everyone knows. And that's the extent of their sex scene for the moment.

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They had to call it a night after Jwoww spilled a bottle of Clorox on her jeans.

Snooki's guido is named Robbie and Robbie wants to watch the sunset (Snooki tells us), oops I mean sunrise (she also tells us), so they're cuddling on the roof and Snooki can't figure out why he's not kissing her. She went to all the trouble of bringing him home and now he's totally ignoring her. Robbie's holding really still and then... he pukes all over the roof.

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"This is NOT a regular Princess of Poughkeepsie duty. Actually yes it is."

Well there you go - that's why there was no make out. So it wasn't your hair, Snooki. Snooki sends him over to the railing to finish and goes to the kitchen for clean up supplies where she runs into Vinny and Ronnie who want to know what's going on. When they learn of the vomit they say, "So you're not banging then," and Snooki demands to know just what they think she is! Oh COME ON. What you've been advertising yourself to be! That's what we all think! Anyway her night ends on a boring note just walking Robbie home and refusing to kiss him because he threw up.

Bright and early the next afternoon the roomies wake up and discuss last night's goings on. Jolie wants to know what she did because she can't remember and her new friends regale her with tales of a large wrestler who was grabbing her butt. Jolie claims that none of this rings a bell, but Mike isn't buying it. He thinks her "not remembering" is a way to not get in trouble for disrespecting her boyfriend. Jolie immediately races upstairs to the duck phone to clear the air with the boyfriend. Unfortunately he is in a meeting - people who work eight or nine hours a day have to attend those from time to time. Jolie tells him that she doesn't have all day to talk to him so he needs to listen to her now. He says he can't and hangs up. So she goes onto other activities and calls him later at a more convenient time. OR NOT. She picks the phone back up and proceeds to call him 900 times thinking that he'll eventually pick up and listen to the story of her grinding up on a wrestler all night. He doesn't. Yeah, this boyfriend doesn't seem too interested in any of this. Sorry Jolie.

In another room Vinny discovers that he has contracted pink eye. I've heard of this, but never had it so I looked it up and it's only an eye infection that usually heals on its own. It's very common, but no big deal. It's spread through direct contact. Ronnie tells him he probably got it from dirty dancing with the plump older lady. Yeah or maybe one of the hot tub girls you were licking, Romeo. Vinny immediately changes into a hoodie, puts on his glasses and begins moping around the house informing everyone in a very solemn manner that he has contracted pink eye. With these theatrics you would think he just tested positive for swine flu.

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"Listen guys. I've got the Black Plague. And it's terminal."

Pauly D panics, assuming that pink eye is airborne, and insists that the roomies get some Purell in the house. Vinny trudges over to the t-shirt shop to tell Danny that as much as he would love to work today, he can't because he has to go see a doctor to treat his dreaded pink eye. Danny's like, "Whatever, just get someone to cover your shift." But wouldn't you know it - none of the roomies want to work a crappy 3-9 shift, especially on a hot day. What pals. Sammi offers to work from 3-7, then trade off with someone. Well, that's more than anyone else is willing to do. She asks Jolie if she'll relieve her, but Jolie says she'll only come in if she can leave by 7 to start getting ready to go out at 11:30. Okay yes, that is really stupid, but I have to say that none of the guys volunteered to help a guido out. None. These people suck.

Well the doctor tells Vinny that it's pink eye, but a very mild case. Great news - he can still go out tonight! So immediately Vinny heads over to the t-shirt shop to send Sammi home and finish out his shift, right? Wrong. Okay in all fairness, I don't know if he does this or not, but I'm guessing not.

Ah look, it's time to start the pre-party once again. Ronnie has a very special concoction called Ron-Ron juice that consists of watermelon, cherries, cranberry juice and what I assume are vast quantities of alcohol. This not only gets the party started, but also gives everyone a raging case of diarrhea. Sexy! Sammi descends the staircase wearing white booty shorts and a tight black t-shirt from 1986 that has been deliberately shredded all across the back. Mike does some cat calls and then tells us that as far as Sammi, it's not a matter of if she wants to hook up with him, it's a matter of when he decides. Oh. My. Gosh. Why would you say that out loud? Into a camera? What an idiot. Ronnie also makes some (cruder) comments about Sammi and Mike tells us that not only is Sammi in love with him, but Ronnie probably is as well because he wishes he had what Mike has. Oh clearly.

Tonight's club is called Bamboo, and it's pretty indistinguishable from the other club. Vinny is right up in everyone's face - pink eye and all - but it's okay because he's wearing sunglasses. What a disgusting creep. Mike decides that the time has come to lay the mack down on Sammi. What a lucky girl! He grabs her and they kiss a little. Mike is exceedingly pleased with himself.

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"Now I'll keep her on her toes by scoring some other honeys."

On the other side of the room Jwoww is busy shoving Pauly D's face into her belly button ring. This again. They kiss, but not really, because Jwoww puts her hand in front of their faces so that the camera can't pick it up and she can claim innocence.

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"I was just telling him a secret!"

She then takes Pauly D's shirt off and tells him that if he "goes on" another girl she'll kill him. THEN she walks out of the club holding Pauly D's shirt and keeps right on walking all the way back to the house where she takes a time-out to tell us she had a sudden craving for some ham and water. Thank you Jwoww, and good night.

Back at the club Sammi is having a revelation about how hot Ronnie is. Hmm, this wouldn't have anything to do with Mike telling her that Ronnie wasn't at all interested, WOULD IT? Sammi asks Ronnie to dance and he hesitates for about a nanosecond before leaping head first into her arms. Pretty soon they have their tongues down each other's throats and Mike is puffing angrily on his cigarette across the room. He marches over and grabs Sammi, wanting to know what the crap is going on. Well at first he wants to know, but then he just degenerates into whining at her that he can't believe she would hook up with someone from the house right in front of him. Sammi just keeps telling him to do his thing - which she has told him from day one, but Mike wants to whine and whine he shall! But when Sammi doesn't respond to his whining and keeps right on dry humping Ronnie on the dance floor Mike gets ready to take out his frustration in other ways - like stepping to a random guy at the club. Apparently this guy was "looking at" Mike. Of all the nerve! Pauly D joins in and when someone "pushes Vinny" Pauly D freaks out and hits him in the face. Immediately club security is all over them and the best part of this are the security guys' shirts, which are black and say BAM on the front and BOO in the back in huge white letters. So simple, yet so clever. I tried to get a screen shot, but the camera man was getting knocked around during this "incident," so it's all a blur. Anyway needless to say our guidos are escorted right out of club and onto the street.

Mike is still mad because even though he started a fight, Sammi hasn't pushed Ronnie aside and come running back to him. In fact, she and Ronnie have made it back to the house by now and are up to who knows what. So as the guys walk home, Mike notices three girls walking behind them and wouldn't you know it - the night is BACK ON.

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The 3AM last ditch effort.

Mike goes to one of the girls, who remembers him from the t-shirt store and then he babbles to us about how everyone at the Jersey Shore knows the situation and if you don't love the situation he's going to make you love the situation. Yes, everyone except Sammi, Mike. And she happens to be the one you want most, so choke on that. Anyway the guys manage to lure the girls up to the hot tub - probably with the promise of hairspray or a spray tan - and Mike heads to the kitchen to fetch supplemental alcohol and who should be in the kitchen but Sammi and Ronnie! Immediately Mike starts trying to talk Sammi into realizing what a huge mistake she made by passing him over and Sammi keeps on with her theme of each doing their own thing.

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"Your angry breath is disturbing my clip-in extensions."

Mike - she doesn't care! Sammi passed on you. She doesn't want you, she's not interested, she could care less. Save yourself a little dignity and shut up. Well he doesn't. It just goes in circles. Laughing the hardest is Ronnie, who giggles as he makes himself a snack. Mike keeps talking about how he has some hotties upstairs so Jolie finally pipes up saying, "Mike. Go upstairs to your whores."

Mike runs up the stairs and like the little bitch he is tells the new random girls that his girl roommates are calling them all whores. Geez, he doesn't know when to quit. But here's something weird. Jolie comes up the stairs after him and starts beseeching him and Vinny to come inside and hang out. To the camera she tells us she's a cockblock - she's not going to lie. Oh brother. Your own boyfriend doesn't even pay attention to you, why would these guys? Of course Mike concludes that Jolie is jealous that he's giving other girls attention. Okay, I am in a Twilight Zone of delusion. These people are out of their freaking minds. The random girls leave and Mike goes back inside to tell Jolie that he hates her and she's jealous. Jolie says why would she possibly be jealous when she's as hot as she is. Mike tells her to lose 10 pounds and they'll talk. Ouch. Then Jolie delivers the funniest line of the night: "I will cut your hair while you're sleeping!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! THAT would be awesome. Here is how Mike ends the night while Sammi and Ronnie canoodle:

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"Are there any more protein bars?"

What a loser.

This season on Jersey Shore: A guy punches a girl full on in the face! That is absolutely disgusting. I wonder how they're going to handle that! Seriously, that is just wrong.

LOVE your comments guys - hilarious! Hey, where was Snooki during the second half of this episode?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

1 comment:

Care said...

Excellent recap. This show is hilarious. It is a train wreck.