Sunday, January 24, 2010

Jersey Shore: Later Haters!

"We'll keep last night between us, right?"

Welcome to the finale of Jersey Shore! The guido kids have lived and loved all summa long and the time has come to say goodbye. Time to scatter back out across the tri-state area and stop annoying the New Jersey locals. Bummer. We left off with Ronnie getting arrested and that's just where we'll pick up.

We back up a little to see Ronnie being cuffed and put into a police car after punching that guy out cold. He's trying to tell the officer that the guy swung at him too, but apparently it doesn't matter since Ronnie didn't get hit. So off Ronnie goes to the slammer. Sammi is very put out. Not only does she have to walk home alone, but once she gets there she is at a complete loss as to what to do next. Snooki thinks that it will be a good idea to try and get in touch with Ronnie, so she offers to call 911.

"What's their numba?"

Yes, I'm sure the emergency dispatcher will be happy to put you right through to the local holding cell to talk to your delinquent roommate. Sammi's like, "Don't call 911. I think that's emergency." You think that's emergency, Sammi? At my work there were these PSA posters for 911 saying to call if it's life and death and DON'T call if it isn't. Other times you shouldn't call 911: When you need directions. When Burger King won't serve you breakfast after 11 AM. I think calling 911 and saying, "Is Ronnie there?" wouldn't go over too well. Luckily Snooki has two other suggestions - urgent care or the local police department. This is a tough one.

Vinny is upstairs reporting the criminal incident to Pauly D, who is cuddling with Stalker Danielle. Stalker says that it sounds like the guys were acting like Israelis, but Vinnie thinks that Israelis would have been fighting with machine guns. Outside of a club Vinny?

Snooki has settled on calling the police department and all she says is, "I'm looking for Ronnie," which apparently is enough because the nice lady tells her that he has been arrested and will be taken to Ocean County Jail in the morning. His bail will be set after 6:30 AM. It is now 3:30 AM, so Ronnie has to fend for himself for a whopping three hours. Sammi is beside herself - not because her boyfriend is in jail, mind you, but because this will be the first night she has to sleep alone in a month! Ronnie will pay for traumatizing her this way!

"Stop, Snickas. Stop! You like, have no idea!"

Ronnie tells us that it was a horrible ordeal because they treated him like a degenerate, which he is NOT. They fingerprinted him, put him in a cell, and made him bail himself out. So what's his point, that it should be perfectly legal to punch someone so hard that he passes out? If he's being annoying? He calls the duck phone a little before 9 AM, presumably to get a ride home, and everyone is sleeping soundly - even Sammi in her lonely bed. She finally wakes up and goes to bring Ronnie home.

Mike greets Ronnie by telling him that this is sometimes what happens at "The Shore." Ronnie goes back over last night's events, concluding once again that the guy deserved to get hit for taunting him. He DOES, however, regret getting caught. He wants to sleep, so Sammi goes with him, warning him never to do that "to her" again, meaning leaving her to sleep alone. Self involved much?

Later Mike, Vinny and Pauly D are wanting to hang out with girls, what a surprise! It's their last weekend at the shore, Labor Day weekend, so Mike is thinking it will be nice to spend it with some special girls. He starts down his list of "special" girls, and guess who answers. No one! No one is interested in a Labor Day weekend situation so by default it is a boys' night out.

"We don't need no skanks tonight!"

They try to play it off like it's their choice to just hang with the guys, but it's so not. Someone else doesn't have a date and that someone is Snooki. Her mind is on her Irish farmer, the nice guy who "has to be clean." She and J-Skunk sit around wondering how to ask a guy out. They're so beautiful and desirable of course, that neither of them has ever had to ask a guy out before. Where to start? She just leaves him a message saying they're going to the beach and to call her. Earth shattering.

The next day J-Skunk is working at the t-shirt store and she starts pacing back and forth out in front all excited because "all the gorillas are coming out!" At first I thought that must mean really hairy guys, but evidently it just means orange guys with big muscles, like Ronnie. Also, steroid use is preferred. Mike watches her and tries to convince her that lean guys are more attractive than guys on steroids, but J-Skunk doesn't even acknowledge him. She finishes her shift and dashes home to wake Snooki up for a gorilla hunt. Since it's almost 3 PM Snooki agrees to drag her butt out of bed and go look at juice heads, but wouldn't you know it. When they get down to the beach there are no juice heads anywhere in sight and now Snooki is mad that she got up for this.

Soon the rest of the roomies join J-Skunk and Snooki at the beach and naturally Mike is all over every girl he sees. One finally pays attention to him and she ends up being like 15 years old. Will another roomie be spending some time in jail?

Look away, boys. It's a kindergarten field trip.

Snooki has had enough and goes back to the house to call her farmer again. He actually picks up this time and she plays it all wrong, demanding, "Are you coming to Seaside or not?" He says he needs to talk to his friend, which pisses her off. He asks if he can figure things out and call her back and she goes, "Why would you make me like you for no reason?" Okay Snooki, it's time to hang up - you're looking kinda stupid and desperate.

"Whateva. Honestly."

She does hangs up and says "honestly" like 17 times and does her fake cry where she whines to the camera and makes me want to smash something. Back to the boardwalk! Maybe she can round up some semblance of a date there. Or maybe she can have a solo dance party in front of everyone at the beach! She chooses option B. Solo dance party it is!

"Who wants a date? Anyone?"

A few people stop for a minute to dance with her, but most people just stare at her and wonder what her problem is. After this goes on for a while she looks up at a balcony and notices that her ex-boyfriend is up there with his friends calling to her. She tells us that she's like, still totally in love with this guy.

"What release form?"

She tells him to come to the house with her and he just yells, "No!" Okay then, nice to see you too. She storms off, yelling to herself, "That's not cool, that's not cool! Honestly!" At home she continues to talk to herself, fake cry, and curse the ex. Anything else going on tonight?

Ah yes, the guy roomies are playing at an arcade, which Mike calls "A Chuck E Cheese for dudes." Yeah, it's an arcade. They sit around at a table and reminisce about how much fun they've had this summa and Mike says he won't take any of it back. Like you could, brainiac. Elsewhere Sammi and Ronnie go out for a nice dinner to pledge each other eternal devotion. Sammi wonders if they'll like, work, after this like. She just wants to like, move forward, like, with Ronnie because she had like an amazing summer with him. They take turns telling us what each likes about the other. Whatevs, these two are a hot mess. They toast to "us past the Jersey Shore." Good luck with that, dysfunctional duo.

No need to gargle that champagne, Ronnie.

The guys come home where Mike finds Snooki bawling on the roof because she's been blown off by every guy at the Jersey Shore. Mike knows all about getting blown off, so he comforts her, saying they're going to just hang out as a family tonight. Vinny and Pauly D join in the cheer-up fest since none of them could find a date either. When Ronnie gets home he offers to beat up Snooki's ex since he's already going to court anyway.

Remember how Mike put a bunch of gross smelling stuff under Vinny's bed for being a hater? Well Vinny has finally come up with a master retaliation plan. He has placed a t-shirt onto a stuffed dog and then written "The Situation's #1 Girl" on the shirt. Get it? Because all the girls Mike brings home are dogs.

Mike actually tried to get this to go to the hot tub.

He hangs it up in the living room and everyone waits around for Mike to enter the room and receive his comeuppance. Mike walks right past it, but when he finally notices he just thinks it's really funny and flattering because it proves that he is constantly on Vinny's mind. Aw, everyone is BFFs again.

Snooki starts whining to go in the hot tub and Mike agrees to go with her, so they take a bottle of vodka and decide to see what happens. Well wouldn't you know it, pretty soon Snooki's bathing suit top "comes undone" and Mike says "If you're hungry try a Snickers," and they're off to the races.

And if you're healthy, try herpes.

Ew gross. This was bound to happen, though, with the two most desperate people in the house. Eventually they were going to find themselves alone and attack each other. Before it goes too far, Mike decides this is like kissing his sister and cuts it short. Grody.

The next day is the last day so it's time to burn down the barbeque again! Sausage, peppers... does anyone know how to peel garlic? Aw this is precious, they all sit around remembering all the fights and all the hook-ups. They're just like a real live family! They talk about how no one but each other will ever understand what they've been through (except everyone else who's been on a reality show - which is most people by now). We get a montage of flashbacks and hear about how proud they all are to be a part of this. As well you should be, psychos, as well you should be. Mike says it takes a special type of person to get through this (yes, an orange retarded person) and they should all get a house again next summa. Woohoo! Next summa! Wooooooo!

No one can possibly understand this.

It's now the final morning and it's time to leave one by one. Mike reminds us that he ran the house from start to finish (in his imagination). Sammi tells us she wasn't looking for a boyfriend and Ronnie wasn't looking for a girlfriend, and just like a fairy tale they found each other! Even though they broke up and made up in every episode. PS they break up again on the reunion show, and that's the only noteworthy portion of that, which isn't saying much. J-Skunk says nothing will ever take away what she did in this house. Pauly D talks about all the girls he got this summer (in HIS imagination). Vinny is very proud of his first Jersey Shore summer, which your average 21-year-old doesn't have. Snooki says this summer made her grow and she made the house, honestly. And the Snooks is out!

Party's over.

So that's it! That is the end of our supa guido summa! I'm really curious as to why this show caught on so well. It seems like MTV is always throwing shows like this at the wall to see what sticks - Twentyfourseven, Maui Fever, even Two-A-Days. Jersey Shore is a national phenomenon. Why this one? I watched all of the above and was just as intrigued and appalled as with Jersey Shore, but Jersey Shore struck a chord. Tell me why YOU liked the show! Let's discuss!

You guys have been awesome through this one. I giggle all day long as your comments trickle in, so thanks for being there with me and sharing in the laughter. Apparently these loud mouths are coming back for a season 2, so I'll plan to see you there!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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