The Bachelor: Homeward Bound

Papa Wiener realizes his princess is home... with a new car.

Oh boy, here we are at the Hometown Dates, which Jake seems to think will serve as a crystal ball into each girl's soul and her relationship intentions. In reality, we will be visiting places which may or may not actually be these people's homes to sit down to catered dinners that each mom "prepared" and ask and answer a list of pre-approved questions that illuminate absolutely nothing. The only thing that changes from season to season is the scenery, and that's not even too interesting. Let's do it.

First stop is Manhattan to visit G-G-G-Gia and her family of plant-growing pottery. When Jake steps out of the car Gia immediately assumes her favorite position of straddling his waist. So unattractive. Why? They go on a boat to check out Manhattan from the water, you know, the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, etc. As they sail around Gia gets out her camera to make some memories and of course then she gets to demonstrate to us that she is a model. She takes off her jacket for a "sexy" shot and does her retarded giggle unceasingly. They take kissing pictures and Jake says he's totally at ease with her but he has a "burning desire" to get to know her heart. Who talks like that? I guess people reading cue cards.

Jake's desire doesn't look too hot to me.

They discuss meeting Gia's family and Jake brings up that this will open up the answers to all the questions he has. For instance, why doesn't Gia talk about her past relationships? Well for starters, she once dated a guy who cheated on her with all of her friends. ALL of her friends? I'd say that indicates more than a boyfriend problem, Gia. Who are these so-called friends that every one of them would get with your boyfriend? Red flag, Jake. She also had a boyfriend with whom she fought all the time. Jake says he doesn't let the sun go down on his anger. Oh. My. Gosh.

We meet the family at a restaurant. I guess their house wasn't up to Bachelor standards and time was too short to get into a fake loft or something. Here are Gia's mom, her stepdad, stepbrother and half brother. The mom is immediately in tears, as is Gia.

"Gia! What happened to your nose?"

We get the usual spiel about the family being protective because, of course, everyone has been hurt in the past. Gia tells us her mom is very intuitive (not according to the little scene during the end credits of mom reading Jake's tarot cards). Mom Donna takes Jake aside to another booth to ask him if he loves all four of the final four girls. Jake says that yes, he has fallen for four girls. Sure. Donna asks what's special about Gia and Jake says she has a way about her. Oh that explains everything, thanks Jake. Gia wants to know what her stepbrother thinks and he goes, "He's all right, I just don't want to see you get hurt again." Well prepare yourself, stepbrother. These Bachelor situations never end well.

"So there's this show 'Jersey Shore' and this hairdo called 'the blowout.'"

Jake is still trying to assure Donna that he would always have Gia's back if they ended up together. Then Donna sits down with Gia to tell her that she is quite certain due to Jake's body language that he really cares about Gia. Gia says that the body language means nothing because it's the same with all the girls (remember the legs in the lap?). Donna's pretty sure Jake loves Gia. Good grief Donna, who paid you off to feed into this so well? Amazingly Gia says there's no way Jake could love her already, but she just wants to stand out from the others. Also she wants a fairy tale.

The nerdy stepbrother is back inside with Jake warning him not to cheat on or hurt Gia. Jake promises that he's not jealous, but he's very protective. What does that have to do with anything? Nice prepared answer. As everyone says goodbye Donna cries some more and Gia tells us she's glad that her family got to see that she and Jake look good together. And just when I thought Gia was starting to say semi-intelligent things. Jake and Gia walk down the street and sit down on a stoop. Gia tells us she's falling in love with Jake and Jake is very relieved that everything went so well. Now he's seen the "real Gia." Right, all your questions have been answered, so let's make out.

Ew, next is Mean Ali in Williamstown, Massachusetts. Ali runs up and straddles Jake just like Gia did. Yeah, I have to give that body language theory a thumbs down. It's the same with everyone. You know in San Francisco Jake saw how Mean Ali's life is now, but here he gets to see how she grew up. That is so exciting. He tells her it's like she gets two hometown dates and that puts her a little bit ahead. Jake shakes some fall leaves off of a tree so that Ali can grab one and make a wish.

"I wish I had a boyfriend who doesn't play video games!"

Ali just LOVES laughing with Jake, how precious. Jake is kind of all over Mean Ali, telling her how much he's missed her, how she's ahead right now, it's very weird and un-Bachelor like. Foreshadowing? You tell me.

Mean Ali has a really, really important place to show Jake, which he'll understand as he gets to know her better. It's her dead grandmother's house. Uh, okay. It seems that Mean Ali lived here for a time and helped take care of her grandmother when she was sick. Nowadays she still has conversations with her grandmother and she's pleased to introduce Jake to her right now.

"Can you hear her Jake? Can you?"

This is slightly sketchy. It's nice that she had a good relationship with her grandma, but seriously, introducing people as if she's standing there? They walk through the house and look at a picture of grandma. Any living people in this scenario we can meet?

Ah, here we go to Mean Ali's parents' house - or so we are to believe. We meet Mom Elizabeth, sister Raya and brother Mikey. Mom Elizabeth tells Jake that she went on-line recently to find out about him and she was very impressed when he said that physical beauty is temporary but inner beauty is what matters. You realize, don't you, Elizabeth, that he was reading cue cards? Naturally she thinks Jake could never find a woman with more inner beauty than Mean Ali. Mean Ali cries then Elizabeth takes Jake outside. It's funny because out there in the cold the picnic table is covered in a little checkered tablecloth and a row of tealights. Yeah, just like mine is every night. Elizabeth wants to know what family means to Jake. Well, it means a key to unlock the mystery of any girl he's dating, right? Especially meeting them for a whole half hour. But Jake takes advantage of this half hour to ask Elizabeth if he can propose to Ali. Elizabeth says she can see that this is very special, so sure. Marry Ali! Good thinking, Elizabeth. Next time you're on the internet, look up some of the past Bachelors and how their relationships have turned out.

"Yes, but my mean daughter has inner beauty."

Now Elizabeth and Mean Ali compare notes and Elizabeth has the same intuition as Gia's mom Donna and says that this is a good match and Mean Ali will be marrying Jake. Whatever. Jake and Mean Ali get some alone time to coo and kiss and for Ali to pledge her devotion and Jake to listen. She even says that if Jake proposed right now she would say yes. Of course you would. You're an idiot.

"What do you mean, World of Warcraft?"

Jake gushes to the camera that this could absolutely be the girl. Give it a rest Mr. Burning Desire.

Over to Newberg, Oregon to see Princess Tenley and meet the royal family. The first thing I notice is Princess Tenley's coat/dress. Will there be a tiara as well?

"I haven't warn this coat since I divorced my ex."

PT wants to find out what Jake is really like as a man because in case you didn't know, her ex-husband cheated on her and she just can't go through that again. Yes, this AGAIN. She says she hates talking about her ex, but from here until Wiener's date, that's all we hear about. She says that her ex let his parents influence all of his decisions. Will Jake do that? Jake says that yes, he runs everything by his parents. PT's like, "That's wonderful!" Wait, isn't that what she didn't want? She tells us she's relieved to know Jake makes his own decisions and wants to be a team with his wife. Sorry, but I could have sworn he just said he runs everything by his parents. Just keep hearing what you want to, PT. Everything should turn out just fine in marriage #2.

We stop off at a dance studio for PT to show Jake her heart by doing a dance for him, something her ex never appreciated, by the way. She has Jake push play on her boom box and that wedding song comes on, Pachabel's Canon in D. Subtle, Princess Tenley, subtle. She proceeds to do a dance that pretty much I could do. And I. Can. Not. Dance. There is a lot of twirling and waving her arms around. Maybe a simple jump or two. Seriously, not impressive.

"My ex-husband bought me this skirt."

Jake is near tears, something PT's ex-husband never was, I'm sure. PT goes on and on about this gift she gave Jake through her pathetic little dance. Oh get over yourself. I've done as much OFTEN at work, and no one thanked me.

Off to the "family's house" where Jake just wants to make sure that Princess Tenley is over her ex-husband. I'm so glad we decided not to talk about him anymore. We meet Dad Rob, Mom Beth and sister Carly. There are tears as everyone says hello. PT says that last time she saw her mom she was telling her that things were over with the ex. The ex being this man she loved and adored who betrayed her. More tears. This might be a shot in the dark, but is anyone else sensing that PT is seizing this opportunity to totally stick it to her ex on television? Sheesh! So undignified. Anyway, Queen Beth is clearly Tenley Senior.

"You should know that my daughter has been betrayed."

Dad Rob takes Jake upstairs to fill him in on Princess Tenley's divorce. Also to say that he saw Jake on TV and wished Princess Tenley could meet someone like him. But Princess has had a rough year and Rob is feeling very protective of her. Later Rob tells Princess about his conversation with Jake and they both totally bawl... over this stranger!

"Remember Daddy, when my ex cheated on me?"

Queen Beth sits down with Jake to see if he has any questions. Jake asks if Princess Tenley is ready to get engaged and jump right into another marriage. Her mom says that if anybody could be ready, it is Princess. Then she bawls and says she can totally picture Jake as her son-in-law. Jake is so happy to have shown the royal family that he is nothing like the evil ex. And now he asks Dad Rob if he can propose to Princess Tenley if the situation should present itself. Rob is like, "Eh, sure. You know she went through a tough divorce, right?" As they say goodbye everyone cries some more. Princess Tenley tells us her heart feels safe with Jake. Big mistake.

Our final stop is in Florida to visit Wiener. For some reason I thought she was from LA. Must have been the matching dog dresses and car crashes, I don't know.

Another bridge to bungee off of.

Jake tells us there is something totally natural about Wiener. Must be her hair. He's here to get to the bottom of the Wiener mystery. They go for a boat ride and this time there actually ARE alligators involved. And turtles - how cute!

I hear alligators love wieners.

Jake wants to know if Wiener's dad has liked her past boyfriends and she says no, not at all. Well, what about the guy she married? The dad didn't really know him, but he knows that THIS time Wiener is serious.

When they arrive at what may or may not be Wiener's parents' house, everyone starts crying. Is there tear gas being deployed in this episode? What is with all the bawling? It's a fake dating show, morons, pull yourselves together. Even the little poof dog cries. Wiener's dad takes her aside to find out how she REALLY feels about Jake and Wiener tells him she's REALLY falling for him. I think this makes her dad jealous.

He takes Jake to show him a motorcycle and tells him that he expects Wiener to be treated like a princess because that's what she deserves. How embarrassing. In exchange, the dad promises, Wiener will always have the house clean when Jake comes home. Jake's like, "Fair enough!"

"I also don't want to have to do laundry."

Later over dinner Wiener's mom wants to know what Jake likes about Wiener and he says that she's honest. Jake relates that the other women were VERY jealous of Wiener and would try to throw her under the bus. Wiener's mom says that Wiener has been through that her whole life. Oh please. I don't trust people who claim to be the victims of sabotage their entire lives because other people are jealous. Other people are worrying about their own lives and so should you.

Yet later Wiener and Jake are lying on a bed talking and we discover that Wiener wears a ring her dad gave her which she will remove when Jake gives her an engagement ring. Kinda creepy. They start kissing and the dad barges in. Gross.

"Don't worry. My dad's just jealous."

Wiener tells us that how she is around Jake isn't just a smile, it's a GLOW. That could actually be your spray tan, Wiener.

After the Hometown Dates mess is over, Jake goes back to LA to tell us he's in love with all four girls and has no idea what he's going to do. Then there is an ominous knock at his door and he opens it to find Mean Ali looking very depressed.

"Oh good, the cameras are here."

He brings her in and wants to know what's wrong because clearly something is. Ali says she has the most impossible decision to make. She has to choose between staying here and losing her job, or going back to work and losing Jake. And she hasn't decided yet, but she wanted Jake to know that she is in the process of deciding. Okay, I find this personally offensive and here is why: Ed did this EXACT same thing last season with Jillian. So now not only is every group date the same, every one-on-one date the same, every helicopter ride the same, every hometown date the same, but now even the "twists" are the same. Surely these people had discussions with their employers before coming on the show. We are also supposed to believe they have no contact with the outside world during filming. Why, then is this exact issue coming up two seasons in a row?

I guess what Mean Ali wants is for Jake to tell her she will be the winner if she gives up her job and stays. Of course he can't say that, so he just says he doesn't want her to leave. I, for one, want her to leave because I could care less about Ali's love life or her reality television career. I don't appreciate being held hostage for 45 minutes while she tries really hard to show that she can cry on cue. It looks like Jake is trying hard too and neither one of them is successful.

Still no tears.

Ah look we're at the Pretty Woman hotel in Beverly Hills, how nice. Chris Harrison wants to sit down with Jake to talk about Ali. Jake certainly doesn't want to be responsible for Ali quitting her job if he doesn't end up choosing her. True love indeed. The girls arrive in limos one by one for the Rose Ceremony. Princess Tenley's dress looks like a green satin Snuggie.

"My ex-husband hated shoulder pads."

They all line up and then Ali asks to talk to Chris. Chris walks her into where Jake is deliberating and seriously the next 15 minutes are nothing but Ali doing her camera cry hysterically while declaring she doesn't know what to do and needs more time to decide. Super annoying. Hey Ali - GET LOST!! She decides to leave, thank goodness! Jake walks her to the limo and says, "I feel like you're slipping right through my fingers and I don't know how to stop you." Okay that is so incredibly stupid. More tears. As the limo drives off Ali immediately second guesses herself. Please no. That was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

"I can't go on... until I form a tear."

Jake tries really hard to cry, then he remembers that he still has three girls who want to jump him so he trots back inside and invites everyone to step right up and grab a rose. Tomorrow we are off to St. Lucia!

Next week are the fantasy overnights where Jake falls more in love with all three women. Also, Ali calls. That should be unexciting.

So who else is glad to finally be rid of Mean Ali?

Thanks so much you guys, for all of your sweet congratulations last week on my engagement! The Future Mr. Gangsta is a saint - he has not only watched my shows with me since we first started dating, but he has also read every single recap and tells everyone he meets to read them too. He's a husband/publicist all rolled into one! I'm a very lucky recapper. :-)

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta