Tuesday, January 04, 2011

The Bachelor - Brad's Second Coming

The Second Coming of...Brad the Bachelor!

I usually look forward to each season of the bachelor, even though they are awful, and predictable and generally vomit inducing. But I am extra super duper excited about Brad coming back. Brad, as you’ll recall, caused the smorgasbord of the past 5 bachelors and bachelorettes. Every time Jake whimpered tears over Wes, I blamed Brad. Every time DeAnna bitched out the guys for not fawning over her, I blamed Brad. Every time Ali grated my nerves with her nervous giggling, I blamed Brad. But Brad was also my favorite of all of the Bachelors, so it has been a confusing 3 years for me, as you can imagine. I’m excited and thankful that he’s back, and will prove that he’s just as much of a moron as the rest of them, and I can finally move on.

In “getting to know Brad” on the ABC website, we are treated to the glorification of his career: “at 19, [Brad] left Texas State University after one year of college to work in oil fields across the country to save up money. His eight-year odyssey took him all over Texas and then to Louisiana, North Dakota and California. (A real live world traveler!) After working diligently in the oil fields, he got into bar-tending with his twin brother, Chad. Some eight months of tending bar later, he had enough money saved to finance the purchase of his first drinking establishment with his brothers in 2001, when he was just 28.”

On one of the hometown dates in his first time around, one of the parents didn’t approve of his lack of college degree, and owning a ‘drinking establishment,’ where he had to stay late at nights, counting cash transactions.

It also says on the ABC website that he had commitment issues, with his father leaving the family, and has received intense therapy over the last 3 years. Both of his brothers are married and have kids, so no therapy needed there.

I’ll be quoting old Honey Gangsta recaps as I would assume this season will be identical to the original, with a couple of slaps in Brad’s face. I’ll start with this introduction: “In a compassionate attempt to revive my faith in destiny, ABC is presenting an 11th brand new Bachelor for us starting September 24th. Take a deep breath and prepare to meet… Brad Womack. He owns a bar.” Ha! Brilliant!

The extremely funny and brilliant Honey Gangsta maybe adding her thoughts now and then on this season of The Bachelor. I’m sorry to say,though, not even the second coming of Brad could revive her faith in destiny no more, and won't be fully recapping it. But, Brad got a second chance, maybe we will too! Are you listening HG?

Let’s dive in. Chris Harrison comes out and announces that this is already the most shocking season of the Bachelor. We haven’t even started!!! Good grief.

We get a little montage of Brad not wearing a shirt on the streets of Austin, not wearing a shirt at the gym, not wearing a shirt at doggy daycare. He says that all the blogs called him self-righteous, selfish, and immature after he didn't pick that nightmare DeAnna. And he has a pie Chart to show it:

The Analytics of Being Selfish

We then hear him really open up: “I don’t want to have any regrets, I want to move forward, I want to prove to everybody, more importantly I want to prove to myself that I’ve changed, I’m a better person." He basically wants to let loose with a litany of clichés.

"The Only Requirement is That She Have Bigger Boobs Than Me"

He gets surprised by Chris who brings out DeAnna and Jenni who are both adorned with giant diamond rings, neither from a pairing on The Bachelor/Bachelorette. And I am way too confused about DeAnna's passionate replies to Chris' "are you buying this new Brad?" She didn't chose too wisely, and ended up with someone else. So why does she care?

DeAnna then wishes Brad can find what she and Jenni have found, and they zoomed in on their giant diamond engagement rings. Weird editing - is this what Brad is back for? A giant diamond engagement ring?

Anyway, a bunch of girls got out of limos, and they were an especially aggressive bunch. I hear that Brad's fiancée is public news, but I can't sift through the verbal vomit on Reality Steve's site, so I'll just let someone tell me. Although, they made it seem in the season pre-view that the girl he picks, doesn't pick him back! Duhn duhn duhn!

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