Monday, January 10, 2011

Jersey Shore: It's A Blast in a Glass!

"Do NOT touch my moisturizer, capiche?"

It’s summertime in New Jersey! And that means our favorite drains on society are on their way back to the shore where it all began. They’ve done Miami, but they’re ready to come and party with their own kind again. As is customary, we’re going to check in with each guido as they prepare to drive over to the shore house and get this party started.

First stop is Snooki’s house. I guess we’re still pretending that these are your everyday anonymous kids next door because here is where Snooki lives, even though she’s a millionaire. And I believe it’s her parents’ house.

Perhaps the second single car garage was purchased with ball-drop money?

She’s busy gathering up her slut wear, poofing up her hair, and spray tanning her boobs with her little handheld tanner right there in the bathroom. It may be time to look into a Mystic Tan there, Snooks. I’m pretty sure you can afford it. Snooki has also apparently come into contact with a stylist, because her hair has some red in it and I for one really like what it does for her. Perhaps all that red makes her skin a little less shockingly orange? Not sure, but thumbs up. She can’t wait to get back to the shore house, pop some bottles and hook up with her roommates. Neither can we, Snooki. Neither can we. She gets into some hilariously tight outfit that is the last thing I would wear on a road trip, including hooker boots, and announces to the mirror that she looks like a prostitute, followed by an approving, “Sick!” And she’s off! She trips and stumbles her way to her car, thanks to the hooker boots, then speeds away toward Seaside Heights. Or to the end of the driveway where she stalls her car.

"You try pushing the clutch in hooker boots!"

Time to meet Deena!

"C'mere and meet me. I smell like meatballs."

Deena is Angelina’s replacement since everyone on earth has had enough of Angelina. She is Snooki’s friend and duplicate and supposedly the other roommates have no idea she’s coming. Snooki drives to someplace called New Egypt, New Jersey to pick her up. Deena is the same shape and size as Snooki and is super excited to get a piece of the Jersey Shore action. Her parents are excited for her to take part in this mess as well, and stand out on the lawn encouraging both girls to “knock ‘em dead” at the Jersey Shore. Behavior begins at home, people. Deena uses a phrase I highly appreciate: guy shopping. That’s very accurate and sounds much nicer than “creeping.” Deena’s excited to commence guy shopping with Snooki. As they drive away Snooki begins to give Deena the rundown on each roommate, as if Deena isn’t as intimately familiar with all of them as we are. Please.

JWoww is next! She’s living in a modest home in Long Island, apparently with her boyfriend Tom, who is a cranky pants.

Ho-Clothes line not doing too well?

JWoww tells us that she and Tom definitely need a break cause they’ve had some serious fights lately. She seems a bit too excited to be getting away from her beloved.

DJ Pauly D! Also still at his parents’ house. His mom is ironing (probably Pauly D’s clothes) and wants to know if they ever clean the hot tub. He lies that they do.

"Oh, you kids are so cute!"

And here is The Situation, fresh from Dancing with the Stars humiliation, a book deal, and various endorsements earning him millions and yet still living at his parents’ house as well.

"Mom, did you buy Axe? I said to buy Axe!"

And he’s closing in on 30 if I’m not mistaken. I just looked it up - he’s 28! Whaaa? I would have guessed much older than that, just from how he looks. That just blew my mind.

Of course Vinny’s still at his mom’s house - meat doesn’t cut itself, you know. He has come prepared for Season 3 by purchasing himself a shower caddy so that no one messes with his toiletries. That sounds about right for a guido. I’m surprised Pauly D doesn’t have a locked safe for his hair products.


Here’s Ronnie, on his way to pick up Sammi. These two are right behind Speidi on the list of America’s most hated couples. They are so lame and uninteresting, but here they are, back for another season of sucking. Ronnie tells us they’ve been together for a year now and they’re going to celebrate. Yeah, it’s been such a joyous year. Ronnie comes from his parents’ house to pick up Sammi at her parents’ house and Sammi’s mom implores Ronnie to take care of her daughter. Don’t hold your breath, mom.

So each of our guidos kiss their parents goodbye and head over to the original shore house in Seaside Heights. Sammi and Ronnie get there first. Ronnie hopes Angelina’s not there and Sammi hopes JWoww’s not there. Shut up, Sammi.

Where's the Italian flag? Too big of a target?

They’re stoked to be the first to arrive because that means they get first dibs on a bedroom. Oh good, here is their chance to have their own space and stay out of everyone’s hair. Right? Wrong. They pick a room with three beds. Um, who would want to stay in there with them all summer? Sammi says it wouldn’t be awkward. Yes it would, but more so, it would just be awful. They are the enemies of a good time.

JWoww arrives next, or Whorebag, as Sammi has taken to calling her. Ronnie tells Sammi to go upstairs so she won’t have to talk to her. JWoww walks upstairs, takes one look at Sammi, makes a disgusted noise and walks away. Exactly, JWoww.

"Take one more step and my boyfriend will take you down!"

Sammi is slightly distressed that Ronnie runs into the bathroom and leaves her alone with the “luggages.” Ronnie is such a freaking weenie. He ran into the bathroom? Really?

Yup. That sums it up.

Vinny’s here to relieve some of the awkward tension. Ronnie and Sammi invite him to share their room, with Sammi promising, “We won’t do anything.” Yeah except SUCK. Vinny points out that he wants to be able to bring girls home, etc., so there’s no way he’s sharing a room with those two. Pauly D arrives and he and Vinny decide to share a room... with Vinny’s shower caddy. Pauly D finds this to be very amusing.

As Snooki and Deena draw nearer to the shore house, Deena admits that she took some shots before joining Snooki in the car. She’s all, “Don’t tell anyone I’m drunk. I’m just going to walk in like I’m a good time.” So funny how when you’re buzzed you think that everyone’s going to find you so charming. You just FEEL charming, right? How could everyone else not see it?

"Snooki, you're dressed like a prostitute! Right on!"

The roommies are slightly taken aback to learn that Deena is their new roommate. They’re all cordial, except for Sammi, who acts a bit too cool for school. Deena is going to room with Snooki and JWoww, which is hilarious because it means that Mike has to room with Sammi and Ronnie. HA! Won’t that be a sexy situation? Meanwhile Sammi starts to figure out that none of the girls are going to be her friend and it’s going to be her against the whole house, does Ronnie understand?

As the girls unpack Snooki and Deena compare vibrators, with Deena offering to share hers. Let the STD transmission begin! Snooki says she has Vinny in the house so she may not even need her vibrator, which is named Elmo.

Sitch pulls up in a Range Rover, announcing that the party is about to start. Then he learns where he’ll be sleeping. He’s not pleased. He wanted to have an MVP bedroom, but alas, he’s stuck with the Miserable Duo.

"I'd rather learn the jive again."

The gang heads out to the patio for some grilling and Deena tries to make small talk with Sammi, asking her where she’s from since they’re both from Jersey. Sammi acts totally snotty and elusive, not saying what city she’s from and sticking her nose up in the air. Eventually Sammi just gets up and leaves, cementing the three against one status of the house girls. Later as the roommies chat, Deena announces that she’s a “walking holiday” and “a blast in a glass.” HA! Sitch says if she were a holiday she’d be Thanksgiving cause she’s got a lot to give and she’s down for a lot of stuffing. We’re back, ladies and gentlemen!

It’s time for the cast of Jersey Shore to earn their ridiculous salaries, so they bust out a game of Flip Cup.

Who needs writers when we spontaneously get this?

All except for Ronnie and Sammi, who lie on their twin beds and stare at the ceiling.

"Ronnie am I hot?"

"Kill me now."

Sammi starts in on her usual babble, asking Ronnie what he would do if he were her right now. Meaning what would he do if he realized everyone in the house hated him? He’s all whipped and just tells her he’s there for her and they’ve come so far. Well that clears everything up. And I find it hilarious that these two call emotionally abusing each other then not breaking up “coming so far.”

Vinny, Snooki and Deena get in the hot tub and some issues come to the surface, and I don’t mean bacteria, I mean emotional issues. Snooki is mad that Vinny appears to be flirting with Deena, and then she lets us all know that in between seasons Vinny had sex with her friend Ryder. Interesting. Vinny’s flustered to be called out because he didn’t know it would be a problem for him to sleep with Ryder. See that’s the thing with girls. They can say it’s a no-strings-attached hook up, and maybe it is, but it still prohibits you from nailing their girlfriends. There are just lines you don’t cross. I guess. Everything gets blurry when you start banging your roommates, right? Deena senses the tension and evacuates the hot tub, leaving Snooki and Vinny to hash it out. Vinny says he never intended to hurt Snooki, so Snooki tries to kiss him, but he says he’s not going to hook up with her if it’s going to set boundaries on whom else he can get with. Snooki’s pissed and leaves. JWoww tells Vinny to “stick it one of the jet holes and go to bed.” That could be a plausible option. Not to mention much healthier than what he might run into on the boardwalk.

It looks like Vinny actually gave it a whirl.

Back on the patio, Deena starts asking where her “blast in a glass” hat is and Sitch offers to help her find it. Is this some sort of euphemism, or are these people just totally wasted already? They get to Deena’s room and she puts on various hats, then shows Sitch that she likes to go around in just her cowboy hat and bikini. So while trying to sexily slither out of her cover-up sundress thing, she accidentally pulls off her bikini bottoms and gives Sitch a peep show.

"I knew no one could resist this."

Ladies take note. You don’t want to do this and here’s why: Sitch of course thinks this is an invitation to smoosh, but decides to be the bigger man and not take advantage of poor Deena on the first day. So see? You’d be giving Sitch the impression that he’s actually turning you down, when in fact, you just made a drunken error. And you know he’ll never let that go. He promises Deena that this little indiscretion will be just between the two of them. Then he immediately runs out on the patio and tells everyone. Deena honestly doesn’t seem very alarmed that her “kooka” has now been seen and filmed. Apparently it was bound to happen.

And here's how I learned the correct spelling of "kooka."

Sitch for some reason is slightly traumatized and retreats to his bedroom with Ronnie and Sammi to do some pensive reflecting. That’s smart since Sammi knows all about being traumatized. Deena doesn’t think the night should be over yet and she drunkenly stumbles over to Sitch’s bed to try to get him to stay up with her. He tells her she’s annoying and Sammi laughs. Look out. Deena’s all, “She’s laughing at me.” Sitch is all, “No she’s not.” Sammi’s all, “I definitely am!” So now Deena is drunk AND insulted. She tells Sammi that she came here not having a problem with Sammi, but now she does and so does everyone else in the house. She stumbles down the stairs calling Sammi the c-word. Hey it’s the same thing Ronnie called her when they first got to Miami, so now they should be bonded forever, right? They’ve come so far!

Deena is on the verge of hysteria, saying she never did anything wrong. As she gets more and more worked up Sitch comes down the stairs and tells her that it was very audacious for a rookie to call a veteran the c-word. Vinny (who graduated from college) goes, “What does audacious mean?” HA! LOL. That right there is why I love this show. Sitch tells Deena, “You are the blast from the past! Wait. The blast in a cup!” Deena just keeps yelling about Sammi laughing at her and making fun of her. Pauly D goes, “What holiday are you? Halloween?” OMG, they’re cracking me up! She’s drunk and furious and they just keep needling her about her nicknames for herself. So awesome.

Upstairs Ronnie and Sammi can hear every word, but not until Ronnie jumps out of bed does Sammi decide to follow him downstairs so she can hide behind him. Ronnie only got up because Deena said something about “go cuddle with your boyfriend,” so now he’s screaming at “DeAnna” not to get him involved. Deena totally backs down to Ronnie and tries to tell him she’s got nothing against him.

"I meant to say 'hot sexy boyfriend,' I think."

Basically all Ronnie says is that he wants nothing to do with the fight and that Deena should work it out with Sammi. And Sammi thinks he’s there to defend her. Finally Sammi gets up to Deena and yells at her not to call her a c-word. Deena yells right back, saying, “first of all,” and “second of all,” and “you laughed at me for no reason!” Sitchy D sit comfortably on the couch, looking back and forth as the girls fight. These guys get the best seats in the house, I swear!

Popcorn? Peanuts?

Snooki takes a moment to tell us that we don’t want to piss of Deena like this. Because even though they’re small, she (Snooki) will attack you like a squirrel monkey. Angelina knows. Back in the fight, Snooki calmly says, “Sam, you are such a bitch. You are the biggest bitch I’ve ever met in my entire life. I don’t understand how you even have friends.” Sam’s response? “I’m here and I’m staying, whether you like it or not.” Then Sammi and Snooki start screaming at each other about what happened in Miami, you know, THE NOTE. At one point Sammi turns to Ronnie going, “Is she fake? Ron, do you think she’s fake?” Ron, who has his head between his knees, looks up long enough to say, “Yeah she’s fake.” Snooki yells that Ronnie’s mom asks her all the time why Ronnie’s dating such a bitch. To the camera she tells us that she just made that up about Ron’s mom, but Ron didn’t say a word in response. HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

All of a sudden JWoww is involved and Sammi tells her to bring it cause she’ll pound her. So JWoww marches right up to Sammi and it’s so hilarious because they both totally flinch before they start really smacking each other. And we’re out.

Will we witness a squirrel monkey attack?

The previews for the season look freaking amazing! We have Snooki running hysterically up and down the boardwalk asking strangers where the beach is.


We have JWoww breaking up with her boyfriend - will we finally get to see her Single on the Shore? We have Ronnie and Sammi fighting (snore) BUT, part of that includes Sammi punching Ronnie right in the face.

Look now - it may be blacked out when the episode airs.

It looks like Sammi leaves! Woohoo! And Snooki gets arrested. I believe this would include the charge of “annoying” people on the beach. Hey at least she found it.

So are you guys so totally excited for Season 3? HOLLA!!!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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