Bachelor Pad 2: Coupledom

So everyone is regrouping after the last ousting that sent William (who?) and Melissa home. Blake is totally relieved because he thinks now the coast is clear for him to pursue Holly at full throttle. I guess he’s conveniently leaving Michael out of the equation. Wait, he does mention that Michael doesn’t own Holly, so I guess that takes care of that. Just as everyone is ready to call it a night, Chris Harrison appears to announce that from here on out they will be competing as couples and voted off as couples. So they all need to couple up. Oh and by the way, for tomorrow’s challenge, get to know your partner very well.

"And not one more word out of any of you!"

Well look at that. Everyone is in a partnership except for Blake and Erica. Erica starts to look around and before she can say anything, Graham goes, “I’m taken, sorry.” Did she ask? Shut up, Graham. You’ve got enough crazy on your plate with Michelle there. No one’s trying to make you take more.

So Erica sits down next to Blake and says they need to get to know each other. Blake is all bummed that Holly’s going to stay partnered with Michael, but Erica tells us Blake should realize that she’s a lot smarter and prettier than Holly. HA HA HA! That’s right - Erica’s in law school! So she starts asking Blake weird questions in order to get to know him, like what animal would he want to be. He says a flying squirrel. A flying squirrel? I guess why be an eagle when you can be a rat with wings? Whatever. Mike and Holly and Kasey and Vienna figure they’re good since they’re in long term relationships and obviously know everything there is to know about each other. Graham and Michelle also have some work to do, while Kirk asks Ella what her bra size is. Vienna gleefully dances at the camera, saying she and Kasey have this in the bag, so just show her the money. Ugh.

"I'm 100% for sale!"

The next day everyone comes outside to play the “Nearlywed Game,” hosted by Chris who is delighted to cause more friction. This is just like the Newlywed Game where they have to predict how their partners will answer questions. The winning couple will get roses and a private date. The second place couple will not get roses, but they will also get a private date. First the girls make predictions, then the guys make predictions, then everyone sits down to see how it will all come out. One of the questions is actually: what animal would your partner be? Erica gets it right with flying squirrel - maybe she really is in law school. When the girls are asked what their exes miss most about them, Vienna proudly says “boobs,” but Kasey holds up a sign that says “teeth.” LOL. Vienna is furious. Her teeth? Kasey thinks her exes miss her teeth? With that chest of hers? And guess what. They keep missing questions. But I thought they knew each other so well! Losers!

"Kasey SO does not get to see my boobs today."

Of course, we have to stir up trouble by asking who would your partner sleep with in the house besides you? Sure enough, Blake and Holly name each other and Michael had guessed that Holly would only name him - her recent fiance. Holly’s like, “I was just being honest!” Blake beams and Michael pouts. I hate seeing Blake validated. He’s such a smug little twerp.

"Aw shucks, Dr. Love, Oral Surgeon is in the house."

But the next question is who is your least favorite person in the house - and almost everyone says Blake. HA! Smiling now, Mr. Dentist? Didn’t think so.

Chris takes tabs on where everyone stands and so far Team Graham/Michelle and Team Blake/Erica are tied for first. And Team Kasey/Vienna are losing! And they’re livid. Chris asks how old was your partner when he lost his virginity. When Graham says “seven” and Michelle gets it right, it becomes apparent that something is afoot. It turns out that they previously agreed to answer any numerical questions with the number seven, any non-gender specific questions with Michael, and any female-related questions with Holly. Good thinking! But Michelle messes up by answering a non-gender specific question with Holly. Amazingly, even with this strategy in place, Blake and Erica are tied with them all the way to the end. But Graham and Michelle manage to win by one point! They are safe from elimination and are off on a romantic date. Blake realizes this means he’s most likely doomed. Yep!

Why does Graham always look super awkward?

The date card comes for Graham and Michelle and invites them to enjoy a private screening of the new movie “What’s Your Number?” That’s the one with Anna Faris. They’re ecstatic and Vienna continues her angry rampage. She should get to go on a date! It’s not FAIR! Why does Kasey think her exes miss her TEETH??? And just then, a helicopter lands in the driveway to pick up Graham and Michelle. Of course it does. It’ wouldn’t be a Bachelor show without a freaking helicopter. I’m not sure why this is seen as so luxurious. I’ve been on a helicopter ride and it made me very nauseated. Maybe it’s just out of the ordinary? But on this show it’s not. I don’t know. While we watch them hover above Los Angeles, Graham tells us repeatedly how insanely hot Michelle is. Michelle says something about Graham, too, but all I hear is the way she pronounces his name. It’s kind of like a cross between “gram” and “grum.” It just isn’t right. Good reminder not to name your child Graham because how are you supposed to say it? In England it would be more like “gray-em.” There should at least be a HINT of two syllables, right? I just know it’s not “gram.” That’s a measurement.

Back at the mansion, everyone is standing around in the kitchen when Vienna and Kasey burst through, mid-fight. Again. Apparently Kasey wanted Vienna to have sex with him pronto, she said no, so he ripped the promise ring he gave her right off of her finger. Oh my gosh, what a couple of IDIOTS! And they go over it in detail - IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! Vienna storms upstairs to pout in her bed and Kasey follows her to continue the fight and he brings up that she slept with Wes and Dave, so why not him right now? Hmm, Wes and Dave must have bought her stuff too. Eventually he tells her that if she won’t have sex with him right now, he’s going to pack his bags and leave. Then she’ll be eliminated by default. Well there you have it. What a special relationship they have. It’s pretty much a prostitute/John situation. And those roles seem pretty flexible. I’ll give you one guess as to what Vienna does. Hint - it involves the night vision cameras again. Aren’t you so jealous of these two? THEY think you are.

Graham and Michelle are deposited on the roof of a Marriott hotel where they will sit in the hot tub for their private screening. Graham continues to tell us how hot Michelle is, that she’s hard to look at, and that she’s beautiful. It’s nice to know that Graham appreciates Michelle as a person with many qualities. Michelle philosophizes on how romantic comedies relate to real life. Oh totally. My life is nothing if not a romantic comedy (?!) Wait, doesn’t her dad have cancer? How romantically funny! And we get a few snippets of the movie, so apparently Fox is sponsoring tonight’s episode. Naturally Graham and Michelle end up making out. It’s just so very special.

Their love story would make a great romantic comedy! So unique!

Another date card arrives for Blake and Erica. Holly is totes jealous. The card says that their mission is romance. Erica is pretty miffed that Blake and Holly keep carrying on in front of everyone because when Blake pisses people off it’s now going to affect Erica. She tells Blake he needs to cool it, and Blake’s just like “If Mike can’t handle his woman it’s not my problem.” Oh brother. Erica thinks if she can seduce Blake on their date she can get him to forget about Holly. HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Good luck with that bar exam, Erica.

The next day Michelle comes to egg Erica on while she gets ready for her date. Erica confides to Michelle that she’s super horny and they start looking at the lingerie she’s bringing along on the date. That’s just gross. Then later when Blake and Erica are standing in the kitchen waiting for a sports car or a helicopter to show up, Holly “innocently” walks in wearing a flesh colored bikini. She opens the fridge and looks around for something to drink.

"Oh, what's this here on the bottom shelf?"

I’m waiting for her to “accidentally” drop something on the floor in front of Blake’s face. Oops! Let me just bend right over and retrieve the straw I dropped - I hope my top doesn’t slip right off my body! Come ON, ladies of Bachelor Pad. Are we really this desperate for attention? BLAKE?

Once Blake and Erica get on their way the rest of the house sits around a table and gossips about them. Well mostly they rip on Blake. Holly sits there quietly looking bummed. Aw, are they picking on your super fun new boyfriend, Holly?

"Why can't they see that Blake is fun?"

It turns out that the “mission” referred to in the date card is an actual Spanish mission that is now a hotel. Erica observes that it’s “really historical.” That must have been a word on the LSAT. Oh also, she’d like to communicate with her friend that died, okay? She starts in on trying to talk Blake into “strengthening” their alliance. She tells him that her astrologer told her she’d be in the final two couples. Oh, well in THAT case. Erica keeps rubbing Blake’s thigh and he just looks totally uncomfortable. He’s stammering and seems like he’s trying to think of things to say. Erica’s ready to tear her clothes off.

But first - dinner! They arrive to their little table and there are two roses waiting there with a note. At first they get excited, thinking they’ve lucked out, but in reality, they have to give the roses to another couple. So they have the power to save another couple, which they think gives them some bargaining potential. Now, who to save?

And back home we are forced to revisit the Holly and Michael disaster yet again. Michael professes his renewed love and Holly sucks on her fingernail and whimpers. I am SO over her whiny confusion. I don’t care! And Michael, do you really want to lose any more time on a girl who is attracted to Blake?

And Erica is back to rubbing Blake’s thigh and trying to convince him to stay overnight and relieve some tension. Blake is so not having it. He says that it will look bad if he stays away from the house overnight, and there’s already a target on his back. Erica argues that it will make it look like he’s over Holly and help to appease some of the resentment people have toward him. Both arguments are weak, frankly. Basically Erica wants to get some and Blake isn’t into her. Finally Erica sinks to telling Blake that she brought very sexy lingerie for him. Blake looks like he’d like to throw up.

"Are you choking because you're so turned on?"

Oh no, more whimpering from Holly. This time Ella is listening to her. Why couldn’t Michael have loved Holly when she loved him so much? Why can’t everyone understand how much fun she had with Blake and how it’s been so long since she’s felt like that? I guess it would feel really good to be fawned over in front of the guy who recently decided to pass on you. I understand that Holly feels vindicated, I just can’t take the constant whining!

Erica is practically begging Blake to stay and sleep with her and he’s still on no. CUT YOUR LOSSES, ERICA! Try to leave this date with a small amount of dignity, please. They keep arguing in circles and it’s very stupid. Erica thinks she’s going to guilt Blake into sleeping with her (which would be SUCH a triumph) and Blake thinks he going to find a tactful way out of this, instead of just saying he doesn’t like Erica like that. You are both repulsive! Can we move on?

The next day Holly is overjoyed to discover that Blake and Erica did not sleep over at the mission. But now they have to figure out what they’re going to do with their roses. They decide it’s a good idea to let people know they have the roses and then see who presents the most promising argument to receive them. First they tell Kirk and Ella and we have to hear again about how Kirk and Ella deserve to win the most because the NEED the money the most. Ella, have you forgotten about Kasey’s Gram Gram?

Next they sit down with Kasey and Vienna, who immediately promise them safety if they get the roses. Kasey gives his word, which of course means nothing.

"And if you don't give us the roses, I will steal your jewelry."

But Blake starts going over the people who are supposedly in alliance with Kasey and Vienna and trying to determine if it will be enough to save them. They call everyone into the living room except for Michael and Holly and announce that after careful deliberation, they’re giving the roses to... Kasey and Vienna. Gross. Ella storms away to cry because her little boy needs a quarter of a million dollars. Kasey and Vienna dance with glee and Graham and Michelle roll their eyes. Kasey and Vienna celebrate by making out - apparently this time jewelry isn’t used as a threat. Ella locks herself in the bathroom and sobs. Kirk comes in to comfort her and she tells us some more about how hard it is raising a nine-year-old on her own. Yeah, I wonder what all those single moms do who don’t come on Bachelor Pad. How do they possibly manage?

"I'm going to have to audition for Bad Girls Club!"

Later Chris comes tapping his glass to announce that once each couple decides who to vote for, the woman needs to do the voting. Really it comes down to either Kirk and Ella or Blake and Erica going home. Blake thinks he’s safe since Kasey said so. Idiot. Vienna tells us that Ella’s sob story is very sad, but everyone has a story. Vienna has a story too, but she’s not going to tell everyone about it. She’s certainly not about to tell us how her mom is four months behind on her rent and her 11-year-old sister lives there too. She’s not going to pour out everything about her life. That’s something you do at the end. “And you make it real sincere,” she says.

"Even I don't believe my own story."

Wow, I’m so glad she’s decided to keep her life private. Like, I’m relieved I didn’t have to hear about how mean Jake was to her while they were dating and how he wouldn’t eat the dinners she made for him. I’m glad she spared us from hearing about the horrors of being engaged to such a mean guy and how she now has to live constantly in terror. And when she does decide to bring all that out at the end, I’m sure it will be “real convincing.”

And Blake, basking in the comfort of Kasey’s bogus promises, cuddles on a couch with the whimpering Holly.

Or is that just a whimpering couch? I can't see Holly.

Michael walks by and sees them kissing, which sends him right over to Graham and Michelle to make sure they’re going to vote off Blake and Erica. Graham is definitely planning to vote for them and Michelle hates Blake so she’s down to vote for them too. Michelle tells Kasey and Vienna they’re not saving Blake and Graham goes right to Blake and tells him. Uh oh, not so smug anymore, Blake? Kasey and Vienna are like, “oh well, we tried.” It looks like it’s going to come down to Michael and Holly to determine who goes. Blake begs Holly to save him and Holly whimpers to Michael that she’s confused. Then she goes to the bathroom to cry. Ella finds her there and listens to several more agonizing minutes of whimpering. To her credit, all Ella says to Holly is that however she votes, Michael will understand.

"How can I send Blake home and keep sticking it to Michael?"

Oh good it’s time for the Rose Ceremony at last. So whom did Holly decide to vote for? Everyone stands around on the glistening flagstone waiting to find out. We get to hear everyone fret about it one last time and then Chris calls out... Ella and Kirk. LATER BLAKE!!! And Erica, you need to get lost, too. How did you get this long of a break from law school, anyway? Blake hugs Holly goodbye while Michael stands there fidgeting. Holly hands him a note. Then she whimpers to us that it hurts, boo hoo.

On Erica’s Ride of Shame she says she feels like she’s leaving because of Holly and that Blake made too big of a mess for her to clean up alone. Sustained. On Blake’s Ride of Shame he reads the note from Holly: “Blake - my heart is breaking right now. I’m crying as I write this because I don’t want you to go home. This isn’t the end for us. I miss you so much. Holly.” GAG. I can just hear her whimpering those words out loud as she tries to sound out how to spell everything.

Next week! It’s the season finale already! That was fast! Everyone goes to Vegas to participate in a wall climbing competition to see who the final two couples will be. Then we end in a live studio audience where all the competitors come back to have one last say. This will include yet another face off between Jake and Vienna. But who gets the money? Tune in to find out!

You know, I’m actually glad that next week is the finale. The two-hour stretches have given us more information about these people than anyone ever needed to know. What else could they put us through at this point?

So what do you think? Are you going to tune in to see who wins? Who would you like to see get the remnants of $250,000 after splitting it and taxes?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta