Catfish Recap: Miss Teen Congeniality

Well Nev is rolling in enough dough to be lounging around ordering the “premium package” for his new television.  For doing this!  Introducing desperate people and liars to each other!  At least get off the bed and entertain us, Nev.  You’re being filmed for heaven’s sake!  Okay he finally pulls out his laptop to select his next participant.  He reads us an email from Joe, a regular guy in western New York who is carrying on an online romance with what he calls a celebrity.  She was Miss United States Teen in 2003.  Miss United States?  That’s the name of the pageant in the Sandra Bullock movie Miss Congeniality.  “She’s beauty and she’s grace... she’s Miss United States...”  Sounds fake.  Anyway Joe is in love and ready to get out of his hometown and start a new life with Kari Ann.  But that can’t happen until Nev and crew facilitate it.  Max is immediately suspicious.  Let’s skype Joe.

Joe can skype, but only if he goes to a local bookstore that has wifi.  His computer at home is old school with no web cam.  Joe keeps talking about wanting to get out of his town and start a life with Kari Ann, but when Nev asks him why he doesn’t just go see her, Joe says he doesn’t have the money.  Soooo... is his big plan to live off of her and her beauty pageant money?  No matter!  Nev is on the case.

"I'm just the kind of arm candy she's looking for!"

After the skype Nev and Max Google Kari Ann and discover that she’s posed in Playboy.  They also keep referring to her as Miss Teen USA, which, I would like to point out, is NOT the pageant she won.  In fact, it’s a pageant she was in and lost.  She won Miss United States Teen, which may or may not be a real pageant, I don’t know.  I’d also like to point out here that I know who this girl is.  She was on Celebrity Rehab AND Sex Rehab and she is a living nightmare.  She was awful to everyone on the show, got kicked off, punched a camera guy, and fought with everyone.  Including the psychiatrists and therapists.  She was obviously very invested in her recovery.  This is not the type of girl who would troll the internet for a date.  She seems more like the type of girl who would do something like this just to completely humiliate the guy when she pulls the rug out from under him.  That’s how mean she was on those shows.

"Maybe if I ran off with a regular guy from a small town I'd be nicer."

So Nev and Max travel to Warsaw, New York where they find Joe out in his yard near a trampoline with his dog.  Naturally Joe lives in the middle of nowhere and he shows the guys his four wheelers and his mom’s horses.  Joe is a total doofus.  I’m sure he’s a nice kid, but he’s actually convinced that this beauty queen sought HIM out on Facebook and wants a relationship with him.

"Just lucky I guess."

And she lives in LA, where she apparently has no dating opportunities at all.  While Joe is showing the guys Kari Ann’s Facebook page, we learn that she has a child named Preston.  I looked this up and she was married to some guy for four months, then he filed for divorce while she was pregnant and demanded a paternity test.  What a charming situation!  Joe totally doesn’t mind that Kari Ann has a baby.  That’s nice of him.  He DOES say that he’s wondered if someone - like his ex-girlfriend - might be doing all this to trick him, but the voice on his voicemail saying she’s Kari Ann and she loves him doesn’t sound at all like the ex.

"Would I ever fool you?"

Nev and Max are beside themselves eager to find out if this Kari Ann is the real deal.  Particularly because of the numerous provocative photos of her they’ve been seeing on her Facebook page.  I’ve never seen Nev this flustered.

"I forgot how to Google Image Search.  Is it super hot in here?  Stop filming me.  How do I open Facebook?"

They notice on Kari Ann’s page that she’s friends with a girl named Rose, who Joe told us was in his high school graduating class.  There are pictures of Rose at some Playboy centerfold event in Las Vegas so Nev and Max determine that there may, in fact, be a connection here.  They call Rose, who says that she’s internet friends with Kari Ann because she wanted to do some modeling projects with her, but they’ve never met in real life.  Right, that’s the same way I became friends with Heidi Klum.  Just hit her up to see if she’d do some modeling with me.  Anyway, next Nev tracks down Kari Ann’s agent and calls him to tell him about the show and see if he knows anything about Kari Ann’s relationship with Joe.  The agent is pretty hilarious.  Nev, thinking he’s hot crap, explains about his show and the agent is like, “How the heck would I know who she’s chatting with online?”  HA!  Apparently he wasn’t too interested in getting Kari Ann an appearance on Catfish.  Sorry Nev.  They also messaged some guy named Kyle who is one of Kari Ann’s friends and he calls them to tell them that he knows Kari Ann and the number Joe has for her is her real phone number.  He also mentions that he’s hooked up with Kari Ann a couple of times.  OMG, that’s totally helpful information, Kyle.  So Nev and Max decide that this Facebook page is either real or someone has gone to great lengths to fabricate it using numerous people.  We keep getting glimpses of these photos of Kari Ann in lingerie or rolling naked in bed sheets.  Nev is soaked in sweat.

The next day the guys meet up with Joe and Rose at some batting cages to reveal what they’ve discovered.  Joe’s best friend Harley is also here.  When they all sit down to chat Nev asks Rose if she’s talked to Kari Ann lately and Rose says yes, but it’s just been about business.  Oh yes, their joint modeling venture, of course.  Then Nev asks Harley what he thought when he first saw pictures of Kari Ann.  Shockingly, Harley thought she was totally hot.

"I can't wait to meet all her hot model friends who are just like her!"

Well the guys have every reason to believe that Kari Ann is genuine - particularly after speaking to her agent.  What?  Her agent told them he didn’t know anything and basically laughed in their faces.  Or ears.  Whatever.  Joe says it would be amazing if he’s been talking to the real Kari Ann but he still wants to meet her to be sure.  Good thinking, Joe.  Nev takes Rose aside to see what she thinks and Rose says she totally thinks it’s really Kari Ann, but they should meet face to face and then go from there.  Thanks for that profound insight, Rose
.

"We have a bond because we're both models, so I totally believe her."

Later at the hotel Nev gets himself all psyched up and finally calls Kari Ann herself.  He explains who he is and starts asking about Joe.  Kari Ann is all snotty, saying she doesn’t need to tell Nev anything and if she has something to tell Joe she’ll tell Joe.  THIS is the Kari Ann I remember.  Hostile and suspicious.  And rude and mean.  She says if Joe questions who she is then he shouldn’t be talking to her.  But then she calms down and tells Nev she’s actually in New York City right now (no way!) and that she’ll drive out to meet Joe tomorrow before she goes home.  Well that settles that!  Nev hangs up, drenched in sweat.  He peels off his sweatshirt and takes some deep breaths.  It’s not every day Nev gets to talk to a maybe-pretend Playboy model.  Or is it?

They rush back over to Joe’s to tell him the exciting news and we have a shot of Nev approaching a horse and asking how he is today.  The horse says, “I’m good, how are you?”

"Nev, would you mind grabbing me some hay?  Or a carrot?"

I was so confused right here until it finally pulled back and showed Joe’s dad standing there talking.  And he has a weird voice that SOUNDS like he’s impersonating something - like a horse.  I honestly thought the show had taken a turn and Nev was going to stand there having a conversation with the horse, like Mr. Ed.  But alas, it was Joe’s dad and his mom is there too and they both think it’s fantastic that Kari Ann is coming to meet Joe. They break the news to Joe and he is also thrilled.  Though no one can quite figure out why Kari Ann never told Joe she was close by in New York City.

The next morning Nev and Max notice a post on Kari Ann’s wall from her mom telling her not to make any plans on Saturday.  Today is Friday so that is totally weird and Max is sure it means something isn’t right.  Okay, this is probably the SMALLEST red flag I’ve seen on this show and this is the one they’re going to worry about?  

They get to Joe’s and Joe is all nervous and excited.  They call Kari Ann and she says the GPS is telling her she’ll be there in 20 minutes.  They say great - they’ll be in the driveway waiting for her.  It’s all suspenseful as they stand around in the driveway and finally a car comes down the street and pulls into the driveway.  And out climbs... Rose.  What’s Rose doing here?  Is she here to meet her modeling buddy? Nope.  She’s Kari Ann.  Well, she’s been pretending to be Kari Ann.  She hugs Joe, says she’s sorry and that she doesn’t know what to say.

"See, she's helping me with these modeling projects, so I borrowed her identity..."

Joe asks why she didn’t just tell him it was her.  She says that she was scared, but that it’s also entertainment for her to pretend to be someone else.  Nev takes a deep breath and gets ready to make the speech where he tells them that they’re obviously soul mates and need each other, but Max beats him to it, telling Joe that they owe him a huge apology for failing him.  They ask Rose how long she’s been doing this and she says for years and that she has quite a few fake profiles and that it doesn’t bother her. 

Max has a mini blow-up, scolding Rose and telling her she’s manipulative and deceitful and messing with other people’s feelings, which is a mean way to entertain yourself.  Um... why is this the first time we’re hearing this speech?  This little lecture has been applicable in almost every episode.  Why now?  Has Max finally had enough?  Where is Nev and the Friendship Patrol? Rose gets defensive and plays with her hair vigorously.  She says she’s apologizing in front of all the cameras, isn’t that enough?  Joe says he doesn’t appreciate being lied to and now he needs some time to think.  Everyone goes their separate ways.

The next morning Nev is horrified to discover that the fake Kari Ann profile is still alive and kicking.  He calls Rose immediately and she says she’d like to talk to Nev without Joe.  Ah, here is Nev’s big chance to get inside Rose’s heart.  They head over and Rose sits them down to explain how she started liking Joe, so she used the Kari Ann profile to talk to him and things just kind of got out of hand.  Nev reminds Rose that she said she has feelings for Joe, so if she had to choose between a real relationship or her slew of fake profiles, what would it be?  Rose isn’t ready to give up her profiles.  Nev analrapizes Rose, asking her what she gets from hiding behind these profiles and Rose says she realizes it’s gotten out of hand.  She’s even gotten multiple other people involved in the hoax.  Hmm... Kyle?   She thinks she may be addicted to this behavior.

"Crashing the centerfold convention was the best weekend of my life."

Max says if she put this much time and energy into something honest, she could end up being a great writer or something. Let’s not go crazy, Max. They finally convince her to post something saying she’s going away for a while.  I guess that’s a first step in taking down the fake profile. 

And now Rose has to go back over to Joe’s to beg for forgiveness.  She tells him about the “going away” post and says she really did have feelings for him.  Joe says he thinks they should just be friends.  Rose apologizes again and everything is happy.  To Nev she says, “Sorry I fooled you.  Maybe you should be a better detective.”  HA!  How DARE she knock the All Powerful Google Image Search???  Nev really HAS come off looking like an idiot in this episode.  First with being all hot and bothered by the possibility of meeting a Playboy model, then with being completely wrong about EVERYTHING.  No BFF photo today.  Nev must be too embarrassed.  Joe’s not too upset since he’s still going to stay friends with Rose.  But he does have one final request:  that Nev and Max drive their car next to his four wheeler so he can see how fast it goes.  Aw, he would have had so much fun in Los Angeles with his four wheelers if Kari Ann had been the real deal.  He’s very cosmopolitan. 

A month later we get a flash of Rose’s face on skype with Nev, then captions saying that she deactivated the Kari Ann profile, but only for 24 hours and now she has almost 1000 friends as Kari Ann.  In fact, she met a guy with the fake profile and moved to California to live with him - wow, nothing like taking things slow.  He was surprised she wasn’t Kari Ann, but he’s okay with it now.  He sounds not creepy at all.  As for Joe, he hasn’t spoken to Rose since the filming.  And he’s still single and looking.  Poor guy.

So really.  Why did Rose catch so much flak for doing the same thing we see every week?  Is it because she didn’t have a tragic backstory to justify her horrid behavior?  What’s the deal?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta