Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Small Children Join The Amazing Race


So last night I was minding my own business and channel surfing when I stumbled upon an old friend of ours - The Amazing Race. (I can't think of that show without singing Christina Aguilera and having a mental slide show of Gnomecorp and Sputnik traveling the globe.) This season has added a new and exciting twist - the Family Edition!!! The teams have gone from two to four members and apparently the age requirements have dropped to about 4 years old. Can anyone please tell me how a mommy, daddy, and two children UNDER 10 are supposed to win against other teams of either all adults or at least half adults, half teenagers???

I'm not sure whether to cheer or call Social Services when I see these tiny children running the streets of Panama City, Panama gathering musical instruments from sketch-ass locals. This is, of course, after another team beat them to the Fast Foward, which would have consisted of these tots tandem BUNGEE JUMPING off of a ramshackle tower over the Panama Canal. I am recalling a clause in the application procedure that systematically releases CBS of any responsibility for contestants suffering injury, dismemberment, acts of God, and DEATH from any other cause resulting from participation in the Race. Did these insane parents honestly read that, look at their youngsters, consider the prize they would get by beating ADULTS to the end, nod, and say, "Yes, that seems like a reasonable trade-off. Let's sign our children's lives away." Am I taking crazy pills? This is even more alarming than watching senior citizens on the verge of heart attacks racing through polluted rivers and shouldering two-ton loads of garbage.

Needless to say it will be a relief when this family is eliminated, but their strategy has emerged that as long as they beat one team, they are still in the race. They keep managing to do it. Last night the dad pulled them out of last place by making a base hit off of a South American Little League baseball pitcher, while the team previously ahead of them took a year to make the hit. The now-last-place team must have been dazed watching the nursery-schoolers scampering ahead of them on their way to the Pit Stop.

Having done extensive studies on the parental abuse of talented children for their own financial gain, I have to wonder how much of the prize these kids would get if by some miracle they were able to beat out the other teams. I can picture their parents sitting them down, telling them how proud they are of their strength and perserverance, and them handing them each a five dollar bill. They would then be introduced to their new premium nanny, and air-kissed on the cheek as the parents whisk themselves away on an extended tropical tour. They deserve it, after all, for being so smart as to parlay their children's eagerness to please into a one million dollar cash prize.

1 comment:

NoiXdeCoco said...

Can I just tell you, I haven't seen a single episode of the family edition. Beyond all of your reasoning, it's crap to put children in an adventure show, it's like if they had Survivor: Death Valley, Family Edition.

It has no place on this show. And I really don't want to see kids on prime time. It's rude and obnoxious.

You know how much I love this show - it's a sad, sad waste of a season.

And yes, it's dangerous and unwise too.