The Tyra Collection

Could it just be me, or are a great number of the contestants on this “cycle” of America’s Next Top Model just not that attractive? I know that Tyra Banks, the shining star of an example for everyone to strive toward and never reach, has said that high fashion models aren’t necessarily pretty, but have something “off” about them that make them interesting, and that is what makes them top models. Of course, look at her. She is such a freak show with that five-head, I mean geez. Come on, Tyra, no one is buying that crap. It’s like she’s trying to be so innovative and break all this new ground by finding ugly models. Yeah right. If we take a look at past winners, they are all nice and pretty. Sorry, just browsing the ANTM website and had to comment on this latest batch of freaks. (I am, apparently, quite the player hater, which according to Wikipedia, means: a term in African-American pop-culture that describes someone's obvious irritation with another's success. A player-hater is person that is jealous of what others have and is not shy about it.)

SO! This week the models had to dress up like dollies. This is actually the reason I love this show. I really love seeing their different photo shoots and how the makeup and costumes totally transform them. And then it’s so fun to see which ones are good at it and take really good pictures and which ones freeze up and just look like retards in funny clothes startled by that big black thing with a flashing light. I REALLY liked the dolly theme. And it seems like a can’t-miss, you know? Models acting like dolls? Ladies, this one is a given. Most of them did really well, too. I really liked the mannequin, the marionette, the ventriloquist, the rag doll – very cool. (Please note that on the mannequin photo there was a large sign that read: The Tyra Collection. This is in case we forgot for even a nanosecond whom we are here to worship.) Then we have Nnenna, the African princess who has never owned a doll. That was her big excuse for totally blowing this one. “Well, I’ve never owned a doll.” So everyone was supposed to drop everything and ponder how tragic it is that this beautiful girl has had such a deprived life that she never owned a doll. How sad. No doll? Okay, you win this one. WRONG. Ha ha ha ha ha! Guess what, bi-atch! I bet Jade never owned a mannequin, I bet Joanie never owned a ventriloquist dummy, and I’m pretty sure Danielle never had a marionette. Nice try, though. YOU LOSE! But don’t worry, your whiny insecure white boyfriend is being delivered to your apartment later in a box.

I also really liked the crying pictures. How cool! I would love a black and white picture of me crying. I’m not sure why, except that it seems very 1930’s movie star. Very Vivien Leigh. And for everyone’s delight and pleasure we have Tyra directing this photo shoot. Hooray! Our best friend and biggest cheerleader, Tyra Banks will be directing this photo shoot! This one should be a snap! Wrong again. You know she did it to have them all crapping in their panties. With Tyra on set running the show there will be no excuses. The paragon of modeling perfection was right in front of your face the whole time on this one, ladies. Mistakes are not an option.

I’m really liking Joanie after this episode. I have no idea how she made it to 2006 with those teeth, but at least she has pretty veneers now. Wait a second. Did I just say pretty? Couldn’t her messed up teeth be the freaky thing that makes her a top model? Hey Tyra, I thought we were trying to move away from pretty. I didn’t see anyone sending you to a plastic surgeon to lower your hairline. Why you gotta mess with Joanie’s teeth? And as we discussed, I “rilly” don’t like Jade, even though she’s “rill” and she keeps it “rill.” Ooh. I also liked Sara. She was a good teen doll and a good cryer.