Starved for Something on Two-A-Days

This week we join our fallen heroes on their way to be punished for the embarrassment that was last week’s Big Game. First we encounter Max, leaving his house for practice in what looks like scuba gear, but is actually the first layer of football gear.

Alex is also on his way to practice, and he tells us that the Buccaneers’ national ranking is gone after losing to Tuscaloosa County. They used to be #2 and now they may only be in the top 25. All of the guys are ready to get killed in practice. Alex, of course, can handle it physically and mentally, but he wonders if some other players will begin to question whether they should be on the team.

Coach Propst is leading another motivational session on the field and asks which players feel that they played with desire and motivation in the game against Tuscaloosa County. A player named Cornelius raises his hand and Coach Propst agrees that Cornelius did, in fact play adequately. Phantom of the Bryan also played well. Max played “hard,” but not “good.” That’s it. Everyone else sucked. Cornelius agrees with Coach Propst that no one else played well enough. It’s amazing what terror will make you admit. Ross confessionals that he suffered a concussion at the last game (I called it!) and that one doctor told him he can’t play for four weeks, but another doctor said to just sit out one week. I’m really hoping Ross will still have all of his cerebral capacity by the time this series is finished.


Now is the time in the episode where we learn that the Buccaneers are facing their most important opponents ever this week. And yes, this does happen every week.

Coach Propst confessionals the following: “I don’t mind losin’. I just don’t like the way in which we lost.” Uh hem. I BEG to differ here. I’m sorry, I just don’t believe him. I think that Coach Propst minds losing very, very much. Losing invalidates all of the magnificent grandeur this man has created in his mind about what a hero he is and how he has vigilantly guided these wayward children to the pinnacle of their athletic achievement. Now, with nostrils flaring, Coach Propst confessionals that people are “starved for discipline, starved for discipline.” And he tells us that he is here to handle it. During this mini speech, we see Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt screaming rabidly at two players as they run past him. He even rips his hat off and hurls it at them in a whirlwind of impotent rage.

Max is so starved for discipline that he is kneeling on the sidelines trying to eat his fingernails, mumbling, “I wanna kill somebody right now.” Mild-mannered Max wants to kill somebody? I’m worried now, but I would aim him toward Coach Propst.

To give us a sense of just how extensive Coach Propst’s discipline is, we see the sun setting on the Buccaneers as they repeatedly drop to the ground to perform one pushup, then jump right back up and jog in place. My whole body starts to ache just watching them.

Now we head to Max’s house for dinner. Jim, Max’s stepdad, asks Max how practice went, and whether Max is having fun. Max says he has fun when the Buccaneers win, but not when they lose. And today’s practice wasn’t fun at all. Jim says that the boys need to start having fun. Fun? Is this man out of his mind? These boys have had enough fun and now they are just starved for discipline. Starved. They are ne’er-do-wells who need to be handled, and Coach Propst has come into their lives to show them the way. Jim should thank his lucky stars like I do.


And it’s over to Alex’s house, where it looks like our narrator is hosting Poker Night for the boys. They discuss that although this year’s team has better players than last year, they aren’t always doing the right things at the right time. They discuss that Max has a lot of pressure on him, but that they should be enjoying themselves because this is supposedly the best time of their lives. Yeah, someone sold me that song in high school, too. Don’t believe it boys! And stop thinking you should be having fun! You are starved for discipline!

Oooh, here is something new and exciting: Repete is having an evening at the bowling alley with his girlfriend, Megan. Yes, Repete has managed to make time for a girlfriend. She is a cheerleader at some other high school. (Megan has brought along a friend who would rather not be seen on this television program, and as such, has her head blurred out during this entire scene.) Repete confessionals that he told Megan he loves her, but he’s not at all sure what he really “meant” by it. Typical. He then goes on to say that he loves the women. The women? Don’t believe him, Megan. He “meant” that he wants you to put out. Repete then tells us that he gives Megan a nine out of ten. He’s not going to lie; she’s not a ten. She’s just a nine, but she’s fly. Repete’s football buddy, Dennis, agrees that Megan is fine and even admits that he was looking at her, much to Repete’s inward delight and outward dismay.

Sometime later, we are back at Hoover High School where three cheerleaders, Kristin, Blair and Jessica, are sitting on the grass in their cheerleader-casual outfits discussing the tragedy that was Friday’s loss. Blair is turning out to be quite the Conversation Driver, but I feel like something is missing. She needs a soccer mom purse so that she can pull out a steno pad and make lists with her manicured fingers. She could also pull out other items at appropriate times, like antibacterial wipes or Ziploc bags full of cheerios that all have the word “Buccaneers” on them. Kristin tells us of a motivational speech she gave to Alex regarding upcoming games, but honestly, the only thing I heard her say were the words, “I was like,” which were repeated consistently. Blair announces that Homecoming will be fun, to which Kristin complains that she doesn’t have a date yet. Blair opens her mom purse and pulls out a Kleenex for Kristin. Okay, so she only metaphorically pulls out a Kleenex by telling Kristin that of course she will have a date.


Over to Alex, who is walking along with a football buddy discussing Homecoming. Alex admits that he needs to figure out something special to do for Kristin. His friend suggests putting roses in her car. That would be very sweet. Perhaps Alex has worked hard enough now and can be forgiven for the Keagan Debacle.

Back from commercial, we join our next football practice with Alex telling us that Vestavia is their biggest rival of all time and you don’t lose to Vestavia without consequences. Starved for discipline, I tell you. Coach Propst delivers a surprisingly benevolent speech, even encouraging the boys to have a good time! I rewound it three times to make sure, and he really said it. He wants them to feel good about themselves and their “progrum.”

Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt confessionals that Max has not reached his potential as a football player yet. To drive this point home, we then witness him screaming at Max in practice, calling him a dumbass, and finally pulling him off of the field. Max tells us he is worried that he may not even get to play on Friday.

Now Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt and Jim, Max’s stepdad, are having dinner together to discuss Max and his football career. I’m still trying to figure out what all this pressure is that everyone says Max is under. It escapes me. During this interlude we are treated to extreme close-ups of the steak and potatoes these fine southern gentlemen are eating. The discussion of Max’s future takes a pause as the camera zeros in on a very odd, very foreign looking pile of green sticks.

“What is that?” Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt asks, as if Jim has just sprouted a third arm.

“Asparagus.”

Um, yes. Asparagus is the mysterious green pile. You’ve got to be kidding me with this.

“I ain’t never heard of it,” Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt says. He then makes the same face a two-year-old would make when presented with green mush and refuses to try it.

Lunchtime at Hoover High School presents us not with asparagus, but with two football players, Cornelius and Jeremy, discussing Ross and his concussion. There are rumors that he may be out for an entire month. Basically Jeremy is telling Cornelius to be ready to step in as quarterback at the Big Game.

Next, to the tune of some very twangy music, Alex is following the advice of his friend and putting a bunch of red roses in the driver’s seat of Kristin’s car for her to find. I’m worried that he may not be able to find the right car, but luckily, instead of a front license plate, Kristin’s car has a big pink and black sign that says “Kristin,” so I guess that’s how Alex knows. I notice here that Alex looks like he is in extreme pain as he pulls himself out of the car. He was so starved for discipline, and now he is stuffed, you see.

One last practice before the Big Game. Coach Propst tells Cornelius to lead them as quarterback. Cornelius confessionals that he is trying to stay confident and calm, and not be too nervous. He is just going to handle business. I guess Coach Propst isn’t the only one around here with a gift for handling. The boys all seem very agitated and begin getting into scraps with each other during practice. It appears that emotions run high after your first loss in 28 games. Coach Propst is apparently pleased with the way the team looks, as he proclaims “That’s amazin’. That’s amazin’.” He then admonishes the team to play hard and want it more than the other team. Is it Rebel Pride, or Buccaneer Pride? We shall soon see…

Kristin finishes cheerleading practice and comes out to search for her car. It seems to blend in with all of the other cars until… yes, there is the “Kristin” sign coming into view. Thank goodness. She tries to hide her smile as she opens the door to find her roses and a note from Alex. Still trying not to act too happy, she tells us that Alex finally asked, and she will say… wait for it… yes! Whew! That was so suspenseful. I honestly had no idea how that would turn out.


Ah, here it is. We come back from commercial to an echoing voiceover of Team Chaplain Terry Slay delivering his latest sermon on the glories of football and the righteousness of the Hoover Buccaneers. This is all in a whispery voice over sustained organ tones. Tonight the boys are to be a “bold witness for the Buccaneers… neers… neers. Stare your destiny right in the face. And that destiny tonight is wearing red and blue... oo…oo.” Sure enough, we see the school buses making their way through crowds of youngsters waving confederate flags. Um, this seems vastly inappropriate to me. Certainly there are students of varying heritage attending Vestavia High School. Is this emblem not offensive?

Into the locker room, where Coach Propst is working himself up into an absolute frenzy getting the boys pumped up for the game. He tells them that some of them will redeem themselves tonight. They are “gonna play good.” But Coach Propst is looking for a hero. He’s looking for that guy who is seriously injured, but continues to play with passion for his team. I remember cute little Ross from last week as he wobbled around after getting his skull bashed in, and there he is. He’s sitting along with the other fellas, but he’s wearing jeans and a sun visor, instead of his usual uniform. What a guy. I think we’ve found our hero. Of course, this all goes unnoticed to Coach Propst. He’s now screaming and I don’t even know what he’s saying anymore. In fact, I think only dogs can hear him at this point.

Now it’s time for the highlights:

• Vestavia drops a pass. So far no serious injuries, so Coach Propst doesn’t have his hero yet
• Aw, Ross confessionals that this is the first game he’s ever missed and that he is sad not to be out there competing with the rest of the guys.
• Hoover runs the ball in for a touchdown. Coach Propst likes it, but he’s still searching for blood.
• Dennis (Repete’s buddy) catches a tiny pass and runs it all the way in, giving the Buccaneers a 14-0 lead.
• Goose (Kristin’s fallback date) intercepts a pass from Vestavia, but manages to do so without breaking a leg, so the celebrating is limited in Coach Propst’s corner.
• Dennis makes another touchdown and the cheerleaders begin to do-si-do.
• The clock runs down to a final score of 24-6 with the Hoover Buccaneers scraping up their lost pride.

Coach Propst, still disappointed over the lack of breaks, fractures, or gashes, announces that, “Tonight’s game was a progrum ballgame. Now we’ve become a team.” Well, I guess that’s something. This time everyone must pay homage to the Hoover school song, and we fade out to the image of happy cheerleaders swaying to their anthem.

What do you think? Has Coach Propst had a change of heart, or was this just an off-week for him? Will Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt ever deign to taste asparagus?

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