Another Uncomfortable Week for The Bachelor

"Hi. I am a douche."

Do you want to know the funniest thing about this show? We get to see each and every scene three or four times because first there is a preview, next the real thing, then there is a recap. You may think that this would happen one time per episode, but that is where you would be wrong. This happens during every segment. So each time we go to commercial, we see what’s going to happen after the commercial. Then we really see it, then we see another preview. Also, at the beginning of each episode there is a recap of the last episode that lasts a good five minutes. So we’re seeing footage that we’ve already seen at least twice before, plus whatever “Bachelor” commercials we were so unfortunate as to view between episodes – it’s exhausting. It seems like they would be able to wring more footage out of filming people for weeks on end, but apparently not. It’s only enough to make up around 22 minutes that are stretched into an hour by repeating and repeating.

So this week we join the Pet Beautician (hereafter to be known as PB – my fingers are even rebelling against this chump) and his search for true love once again in the country of his heritage, which he has never visited before ABC took him there. The girls are sitting around in their shamefully small house with no servants and learn that they will be having a challenge today to win a one-on-one date with PB. A renowned Italian opera coach is having her time horribly wasted by coming over to teach these girls an Italian aria, which they will then sing to each other in competition for the date. The girls are clearly mortified – as they should be we will soon find out. Not one of them could carry a tune if her life depended on it (which it does in this case). Jeannette exemplifies the lack of vocal talent (and brains for that matter) in the room by proclaiming, “I have not a single vocal chord in me.” Ah hem. Excuse me, Jeannette? You know that thing you just said? It took your vocal chords to say it. Yes, we agree you can’t sing, but you do, in fact, have vocal chords. Sorry, that excuse doesn’t fly. The entire ordeal is quite embarrassing, and the Italian coach looks very perturbed. She says she is impressed with three out of the nine girls, but that Jami is the winner. Apparently this is based on performance, and not vocal talent, because otherwise, they would have all had to go home heartbroken.

No vocal chords here!

Jami wins – what else? – a night at the opera with PB. That sounds pretty cool – an opera in Rome? I’m no opera fan, but if you’ve got to go to the opera, why not go in Italy – home of many beautiful operas and opera houses? Might as well experience it in style. So PB comes to the house to pick her up, and she is totally dressed up like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, the scene where they go to the opera. How original. She’s wearing a long elegant red opera gown with opera length white gloves – just like Julia. PB acts all staggered at her glorious appearance and proceeds to play Richard Gere, pulling out a borrowed jewelry box containing a necklace and earrings closely rivaling those from the movie. We are, of course, informed that the jewelry is worth 2 million dollars. Well yippee. Jami doesn’t even have the chance to sell it because it’s borrowed. Thanks for nothing, PB! Next I’m waiting for her to reach into the box and he slams it shut to scare her. HA! Too bad they didn’t carry it that far. Jami says it’s a Pretty Woman fairy tale come true (except she didn’t say the Pretty Woman part). Erica comments that she still thinks PB and J aren’t compatible, as Jami is being dressed up with diamonds by the prince and needs opera gloves to cover up her tattoos. Oh Erica, you kill me with your tiara. And it just so happens that PB and J are a delicious combination!

Oh my, Jami, you clean up so nicely!

On the drive over, PB seems very uncomfortable. Who convinced him to be The Bachelor? Seriously. He always seems like he’d rather be anywhere else. Jami says this is her first opera. Same with Julia Roberts! At the opera house, some cute little Italian man has been paid to welcome the prince to the opera. Oh brother, like he even knew PB existed. On the way to commercial, we are teased with scenes of Sadie confessing her deep dark secret of virginity to PB. This again?

Back at the “opera,” PB and J enter a completely empty opera house, with a platform set up on top of the orchestra level seats. The platform holds a sofa and some nonsense for them to eat and drink while they watch nothing in the empty theater. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Jami’s first opera. Except it’s not an opera. It’s nothing. PB looks ill-at-ease. PB reads the cue cards and asks Jami to sing some opera for him since she won the contest. He even pulls the lyrics out of his pocket in a totally spontaneous, unplanned gesture. Jami, against my better judgment, ascends the stage and squawks out part of her aria. Stop, please! PB applauds uncomfortably.

Back at the house, a “date box” arrives. Desiree, Jeannette, Jennifer, Lisa, Gina, and Sadie get to recreate another movie as they are invited to join PB Under the Tuscan Sun. They all scream and jump around while Erica looks bored. The socialite has been there, done that. Too bad she’s not invited to come along and pout.

Over to PB and J, where Jami asks PB to share something good about himself, since she just embarrassed America by singing. He discloses one of his innermost secrets – he likes his family and friends. He then starts asking Jami about her family. She begins to answer but is quickly cut off for more important matters, like the curtain of the stage opening to reveal an Italian guy singing opera, accompanied by a quartet of musicians. ABC goes ahead and adds all kinds of backup instruments that are nowhere to be seen, including a piano, drums, and a saxophone. This is closer, but still not an opera, people. Jami asks PB if he knew about this. Okay Jami, you’ve embarrassed us enough – please don’t add stupid questions to your list of regrets. PB and J have a little slow dance on the platform. PB confessionals that amid all of these romantic surroundings, he doesn’t think there is any physical chemistry. Jami thanks PB profusely for the evening, as if he had anything to do with it. PB very awkwardly explains to Jami that he felt like he was dancing with his best friend, and he doesn’t want to hurt her, but he can’t give her a rose. Poor Julia – I mean Jami – goes out onto the street to bawl to the camera about how disappointed she is – presumably to have to give up the 2 million dollars of jewelry. PB says how much he cares about Jami and doesn’t want to lead her on. Yes, this is a sad, sad night for everyone. Boo hoo.

"It's like dancing with a dear, dear friend... who I can't stand."

After commercial, PB shows up the next morning in a Euromobile to pick up the girls for their group date to Tuscany. Gina confessionals the obvious – she hopes she gets a rose. Lisa smugly confessionals that this is the first time she’s had to share PB with the other girls. PB rides along in the Euromobile looking uncomfortable. Jennifer never dreamed she was going to be in Tuscany and therefore, she has no words. At a vineyard somewhere in Tuscany, the group gathers round a bottle of white to do a little wine tasting. Desiree says she feels like a princess and PB says he feels like a king. It would be nice if some of these people would take advantage of PB’s title and start doing either some fairy tale or some royalty allusions. Oh wait.

Jeannette asks the girls to excuse her and PB for a little one-on-one time in the grapes. They go off to taste a grape and have a completely idiotic conversation. PB says it’s pretty, but wants to know why Jeannette’s here. Jeannette says she came with the hope that PB would be something special, and – ta da! – he is! PB confessionals that being called special was one of the most meaningful conversations he’s had here.

During the special conversation, the rest of the girls naturally gather to talk trash. Lisa asks the others if they think PB finds this romantic. When they say yes, she smugly announces that it’s not romantic because there are too many of them, and it was much more romantic on her one-on-one date with PB. Lest the girls forget, Lisa is their biggest competition. How could she not be?

Up in Rome at the little shack, Erica and Agnese get their “date box.” Erica complains about being stuck with Agnese because she hangs around a lot. Um, yeah, I really don’t think she has any other choice under the lock and key of ABC. And just what is it that you’re doing, Erica? Oh that’s right, you’re doing the whole “insane act” and providing me with most of the entertainment on this show! The “date box” contains a note from PB, inviting the girls to spend a night on the town. The poem that PB absolutely did not write says: “One rose. One stays. One goes.” The girls are so scared. Agnese says the rose is hers, and Erica does Paris Talk, saying, “I don’t think so, bitch.” Agnese confessionals that Erica is crazy, but not very, very beautiful. Ha! Ouch.

Down in Tuscany, the girls gather by the pool, where a taunting rose awaits. Awkward PB joins the girls in his bathing suit. Uh oh – here we go. Sadie takes PB aside to drop the big bomb! Wrapped up modestly in a towel, Sadie sits PB down in a lounge chair to prepare him for the shocking, shocking news. Poor Sadie seems like she’s not really sure how to bring up the sensitive issue, so she just blurts out that she’s saving herself for marriage. PB looks at her like he’s waiting for more and has no idea why she’s saying any of this. He says that he would never have asked, but it shows him Sadie’s values and that she’s waiting for the right person. Sadie beams. PB confessionals that he’s never dated a virgin. Wow, really? Even in high school? I still can’t figure out why PB is single. Sadie tells PB she’s here for the right reasons. He says, “I’ll take it slowly and see where it goes… Do you want to go back down?” Wow, someone wants out of this conversation.

"For the love of all things, please don't tell me any more about yourself."

Back down at the pool, PB asks Smug Lisa to come have some one-on-one time with him. Jeannette confessionals that the girls all think Smug Lisa is cocky, and not very real. PB tells Smug Lisa he had a great time with her on their date in the park and he wants to know if he can kiss her. Oh gag! Of course she says yes, and they have another of PB’s famous awkward, pursed-lips kisses. He seriously does not seem like he enjoys kissing women. I’m just saying! Smug Lisa reminds us of her super secret timeline for marriage and children, and says that things are going according to plan.

Meanwhile, up in Rome, Erica confessionals that she’s figured out a way to communicate effectively with Agnese, which is to speak in English very slowly and with an Italian accent. Ha ha ha! An Italian accent. Did I mention that I love this girl? “Me tired. I go to sleep now.” Thanks, Erica!

After a lame frolic in the pool, the group date heads up into the bedroom to participate in a frightfully dangerous game of Truth or Dare. This should be scandalous. I mean stupid. First Desiree has to feed PB a grape from her mouth. Oh wow, it’s going to look just like they’re kissing! How funny! Next Jennifer has to do a body shot out of PB’s stanky belly button. She could floss with his stomach hair. Gross! PB chooses truth, and Sadie asks which girls in the house he has kissed. PB weasels out of that one by saying he’s kissed all of them on the cheek. Smug Lisa decides he said that to protect her, but I don’t think she’s aware that she’s not the only one who got an awkward kiss – Agnese did last week, too! What a crazy night.

Bright and early the next morning, PB takes Jennifer outside for a little alone time. He wants to know why she’s a teacher. Jennifer explains that she didn’t set out to be a teacher, but it’s so very rewarding that she starts to tear up. PB very sensitively looks and her and demands to know “Why?” she is crying. Oh because she loves the kids so much. PB looks at his feet and says, “No, that’s so sweet.” Um, awkward? Speaking of which, they share a brief awkward smooch.

"Well, ladies. This is awkward."

Next, PB has to make with the rose. He reads the cue cards saying if he had six roses they would all get one. But alas, there is just one rose, and he gives it to… Jeannette! He says it’s because she has no vocal chords. Just kidding, it's because of their special, honest conversation among the grapes. Smug Lisa confessionals that she is surprised she didn’t get the rose. Sadie confessionals that perhaps she shouldn’t have been so open with her virginity because it could ruin her chances. Question: If Sadie is so serious about being with the right person, why would she want a guy who might dump her for being a virgin? Hello? Am I the only one using my brain waves here?

Now we come back to Rome where Erica and Agnese are setting off on their night-on-the-town with PB. Erica confessionals that Agnese is the least attractive girl in the house and she’s not princess material. Well! Agnese confessionals that she’s going to get a rose on this date no matter what! This is quite the toss up. My favorite insane girl versus the cute sweet Italian girl. No, forget the toss up, I’m still cheering for Erica. She’s the only one who deserves the Pet Beautician. When the limo pulls up in front of PB’s castle with the girls, he comes out and tells them that he changed his mind. Rather than spend the evening touring the beautiful cultural center that is Rome, he has decided that they will sit around in his bedroom eating pizza. What? If I were on this date, I’d immediately find the rose, hand it to the other girl, and hop back in the limo to see Rome by myself. I don’t want to sit around hearing about different scents of dog perfume. Well, apparently Erica and Agnese don’t share my indifference to dog perfume and they change out of their little black dresses into PB’s boxers and button-down shirts.

PB takes Erica outside for a private interview. He asks her what kind of connection she thinks the two of them have. Erica launches into a list of all the things the girls have been doing in Rome and says that none of them are a novelty to her; she can do all that stuff any time. And not to name names, but some of the other girls find these things to be new and different. She just wants to point out that she is here for PB and no other reason. I actually see her point. She’s trying to explain that she’s not distracted or fooled by all of the smoke and mirrors ABC is throwing at the girls to make them fall in love with PB. She’s actually just focused on PB because she’s well-acquainted with the smoke and mirrors. I agree, she could have said it more tactfully, but tactlessness is part of her charm. PB is very put off by all of this. Erica asks if there is more he’d like to know because she wants him to feel like he knows her. PB says, “No, I think I know you.” Erica again confessionals that PB is not a commoner and that he needs her. She says Agnese is a gold digger, Jen is a dime a dozen, Virgin Sadie is a little rare, and Lisa is just one notch up from Sadie. But she, Erica, is seven notches up from Sadie. Or like a hundred. She wants a rose and wants PB to stop being a dumbass and show some interest in her. Go Erica! You tell ‘em, girlfriend!

"Stop being a dumbass."

Back home, all the girls take a guess at who will be coming back with a rose tonight. Each girl guesses Agnese. Uh oh. It’s not boding well for my Erica.

Now PB takes Agnese outside for a private chat. PB tells us that he really likes Agnese, but blah, blah, blah, he’s really worried about the language barrier. Yeah we know. You told us all that last week. Agnese tells PB (in her limited English) that it’s hard to be herself because usually she talks a lot and says what she’s thinking. PB asks if the other girls help her. Agnese says some of them do. Meanwhile, Erica is sneaking out on a balcony to eavesdrop on this super private conversation. As Agnese continues to outline her language struggles, Erica pops up over the balcony railing and waves hello. Agnese tells Erica they’ll see her later and waves her off. PB says he’ll be up directly.

PB decides it’s time to bust out the rose and send one girl home. He gives Erica a little speech, saying she’s beautiful and bright, and it’s hard to find fault with her, but he’s worried that she would change and be whatever PB wanted her to be. Hmm, and a guy wouldn’t want that because… why? Erica interrupts, saying it’s not true. PB sticks to his guns, saying that’s what he thinks, and he’s the decider, so he decides! Agnese accepts the rose. PB escorts Erica to the door, and she tells him off every step of the way, saying that he judged her from the one thing she said on that first date about he and Jami not being compatible. (She also correctly points out that she was right about that.) Next she breaks down into her well orchestrated fake sobs and says it’s not fair because she’s always being judged. PB confessionals that he doesn’t know Erica, and that’s why he’s letting her go. Hmm, I could have sworn that less than two minutes ago, he told Erica, “No, I think I know you.” Which is it, PB? Or is it simply that the producers need Erica eliminated so that she can come back and pit the girls against one another with video of each of them talking trash? Yes, I think that’s it. Erica leans out the limo window, telling PB he’s unfair, closed-minded, and judgmental. She finishes saying, “Sorry that you made a really bad mistake.” She fake cries in the ride home again about her privileged background, and how she thought PB would appreciate that and realize they have a lot in common. I am remembering some past rejected bachelorette named Sarah, who cried in her car ride of shame about “If I were just a little more ugly, I’d still be on the show.” Ha ha ha! Beautiful.

"If only I weren't so stinkin' pretty..."

The girls at home witness the “luggage guy” coming to take Erica’s things away. Erica, still “crying” in the limo says that privileged guys want a poor girl so that they can be like Prince Charming to Cinderella. Boy do I have news for Erica. Not only privileged guys want that. Most guys want to rescue a girl somehow. Why choose a healthy, independent girl if you can choose one who is dependant on you to rescue her? That way, she’ll never leave!

On PB’s balcony, he and Agnese cuddle and watch the lights of Rome. Fireworks begin to shoot off, scaring Agnese (and me too) to death. She even spills some champagne. Oh, how romantic. It’s just like a fairy tale, you know? PB participates in his first open-mouthed kiss with Agnese. Erica leaves us saying she’s so bored of the story of the rich guy rescuing the poor girl. So am I, honey! So am I.

It’s finally time to put this week out of its misery with the rose ceremony. Agnese and Jeannette both already have roses, and there are only four more. So besides Jami and Erica, one more girl is leaving tonight brokenhearted. Out comes PB to read the cue cards and thank everyone; they’re all incredible and beautiful, and this is the hardest thing he’s ever done. Virgin Sadie gets the first rose. He calls her “cute little Sadie,” so I think we can safely assume she’s going home next week. I don’t think PB can handle the responsibility of being someone’s first – and he knows it. Gina’s face is once again distorted. Smug Lisa gets the next rose, followed by Jennifer (or Jen, as we’re now calling her). Oh, here comes Chris to count the roses. One left. And it goes to… Desiree! “I never thought a rose would mean so much, baby!” And that means that Gina’s face is permanently distorted. She takes a moment to say goodbye. She’s devastated. She would have given her everything to him. Her life. Her children. Oh, Gina, calm down. What have you had, like two conversations with this guy? You don’t want your kids to have big weird noses, anyway. This is not her fairy tale ending. Sob, sob, sob.

"But I want to be the princess."

PB reads his last cue card for the night, saying that the rose ceremony was very difficult tonight, but he is happy to be here with six beautiful women. Cheers, everyone! Puke.

Next week, Paris Hilton visits the girls. Actually, no – it’s Erica! Looking and talking like Paris Hilton of course. As I mentioned earlier, she’s back to show the girls incriminating video of themselves saying mean things about the other girls. May I just say, thank you ABC, for keeping my girl around one more week?

I’m exhausted. What do you think? Is Sadie on her last leg? Will boring Jen be the next Princess of Italy? Or does Smug Lisa have it all wrapped up in her tidy little timeline?