Sunday, October 15, 2006

The Beginning of the End of Two-A-Days

Hoover High School Football Progrum

Please collect your tissues because this is part one of the Two-A-Days season finale. I had to stay in bed for two days after it aired to mourn the end of the season, and I barely made it through this recap.

Deep breath, and here we go...

We visit Alex as he gets ready for school – brushing his teeth, picking out an outfit, eating his Cheerios. He tells us that he’s been thinking for a while now about breaking up with Kristin for good because he just doesn’t like her “as a girlfriend” anymore. You know, she got boring after a while in the fun department and she didn’t like it when he would study with other girls and then lie about it. He decided it was time to be free to hook-up at will and not have to feel guilty about it.

Max the Dog, on the other hand, is a Kristin fan.

Over at Hoover High School, guess who is walking Kristin to class. That’s right – it’s trusty old Goose! He is not one to miss an open window. He also doesn’t mind playing second fiddle. We join Keagan explaining the “hook-up” to one of her pals in the hallway. According to this version of the story, Alex and Corey got into Keagan’s car so that she could drive them “two feet” to Alex’s car and drop them off. Oh really? Then what was all that talk about Alex being lucky to make it home with his clothes on? I don’t think so Keagan. We’re not buying it this time. Alex already blabbed – too bad!

Next, Alex sits down at lunch next to Kristin, who promptly gets up and leaves. Alex follows her over to the lunch line, all the while with his voiceover explaining that Kristin told him she heard rumors about him hooking up with another girl and he just wasn’t in the mood to deal with it. He doesn’t think he should have to explain himself. That’s why he broke up with her in the first place, remember? So he wouldn’t have to explain himself after hooking up with other girls. Catch up, Kristin. And stop pestering Alex after he trails you around. Can’t you just let him be? Back at the lunch table, Chatterbox Jessica explains to Max that she doesn’t know why Alex and Kristin broke up, but she does know that Alex is the one who did it.

And it’s into the locker room, where Coach Propst is showing the boys video of Daphne, the school they will be facing in the state championships. He says they have to focus or they will have their asses handed to them. And we would all hate to be there if that happens. I shudder to think of the Propst-style repercussions. The boys watch a Daphne tailback leap over an opposing player and continue running with the ball. A collective murmur of reverent awe echoes through the locker room. Coach Propst says that the Daphne football team is “the real deal” and they will have to play better than ever!

Now we join a cheerleading meeting, where the girls are also getting instructions in preparation for the Big Game. They will each pick up a cookie-cake that they will then deliver to their assigned player. Then something very heart wrenching happens, as the cheer coach starts to choke up. The girls are all startled, as am I, at her speech:

“Y’all, this is I guess my whole thing. I hope I don’t get upset. Okay. Y’all – especially the seniors that I’ve known. Y’all are an awesome group, okay? ‘Cause y’all have got it in here. But y’all, this is it. And I know that’s so sad, but it is. Most of y’all will never cheer again. The last time two sisters will cheer together, ya know? I mean, y’all, let it all come out on Saturday. Do you know how many schools would just die to get in this spot? Don’t take it for granted, y’all. You’ll look back on this one day and go, ‘I’m so glad I was part of that.’”

Wow. After that speech, I’m – well, speechless. First of all, I’ve never heard the word “y’all” repeated so many times in such close repetition, and secondly, why is this the end? Doesn’t Hoover High School have a basketball team? Won’t they cheer at those games, too? Certainly they are not football-only cheerleaders. Really? Cheerleading only goes until the week after Thanksgiving? They really need to look into entering some cheer competitions to make more use out of all of their uniforms and equipment. Not to mention I’m sure the basketball players wouldn’t mind having their doors decorated once in a while.

"Our school has a basketball team?"

Speaking of decorating doors, and speaking of y’all, here we go with Blair and two other cheerleaders to decorate some player’s door. And Blair starts right off with, “It’s gonna be so weird, y’all. Like, I’ve been decorating doors since my freshman year.” Oh Blair. Certainly you will be able to fill your time with other activities now that door-decorating has come to an end. There’s always that thing that you do almost every day called school. And I’m still voting for cheering at basketball games. Then door-decorating could go on a while longer and we’d have no need for tears just now. Blair brings the cookie-cake out of her mom purse and starts gossiping about how weird it is (y’all) that Kristin still has to decorate Alex’s door. She announces that she told Kristin to “drive by his house, throw his food in the yard and not even stop!” That’s like totally true, y’all!

Over at Alex’s house, Kristin shows up with another cheerleader and – you guessed it – Goose, to bring Alex his cookie-cake. There does not appear to be any door-decorating going on here. Kristin does, however, actually get out of the car and hand Alex his cookie-cake instead of hurling it onto the lawn and screeching away. She also hands him a stack of what looks like sweatshirts, saying, “They’re not mine no more.” Alex is a bit taken aback and Goose beams. Now Kristin wants to come inside and say “hey” to Corey, who is apparently hanging out. I’m no relationship expert, but if you ask me, this will only lead to trouble. Of course, Goose trails right along, grinning ear to ear. Kristin sits very awkwardly on the couch and no one says anything, except for Alex’s dog, Max, who seems to be freaking out. Kristin says it’s because he misses her and then gives Alex the evil eye. Can anyone say UN-comfortable?

"Are you sure you wanna give this up?"

On the way out, Goose shakes hands with Alex, showing grand sportsmanship. Kristin acts like she is also going to shake hands with Alex, but pulls away at the last second, saying, “Not!” Oh, burn! Alex must be so humiliated by Kristin’s wit. After she walks out, he announces, “She’s a witch.” Yeah, girls get like that after being cheated on. It’s so unreasonable.

Now Alex and Corey sit around and Alex announces that Kristin is, in fact, good for something because she brought him a cookie-cake. Corey correctly observes, “That’s cold.” Alex begins scarfing down the cookie-cake and complaining about how Goose is always jumping all over Kristin whenever she and Alex have troubles. He says that Goose used to be one of the guys, but now he’s one of the girls. Ouch. Alex declares that he hates all girls - including Goose - and settles in to eat his cookie-cake and play video games – the male cure-all.

And we move into Keagan’s room, where Keagan is discussing Alex with her friend Claire. We learn that Alex has decided to cut off all communication with Keagan and is now “talking to” a freshman cheerleader named Danielle. In this case “talking to” does actually mean attempting some form of courtship. Keagan feels sorry for Danielle because Alex cheated on Kristin so many times and she just doesn’t want to see Danielle get hurt like that, too. Um, no, I think more accurately Keagan is realizing that she has been shamelessly used and she’s reluctant to see Alex tossing her aside and moving on to his next victim. At least she finally admitted that Alex cheated on Kristin. And there's nothing like a 14-year-old child to make Alex feel manly again after Kristin’s handshake fake out.

"Alex, I can be 14 if you want me to be."

Back at Hoover High School, it’s another football practice. The entire town is preparing for this week’s Big Game. We see the grounds workers over at the Überdome painting the grass, some cheerleaders painting slogans on the team bus windows, and of course, the boys are practicing really hard. Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt shows the boys some more video footage of Daphne players, saying, “We gonna daggum tackle ‘em, get ‘em on the ground.” He begs “someone” to make a big play. Alex gets an ice pack plastic-wrapped to his shoulder.

The night before the Big Game, the Hoover students have a bonfire pep rally. The boys confessional about how important this game is and why. Max wants to leave his legacy as a senior, and Ross wants to be part of a team that wins four state championships in a row. As the flames die down, Alex goes looking for Danielle, the freshman cheerleader, so he can tell her he’s way too wired to sleep tonight. Danielle looks at him in dead earnest and tells him he simply has to go to sleep so that he can play tomorrow. Thank you Danielle, for clearing that up. They exchange a rather awkward one-armed hug as Kristin looks on in agony.

The next day as everyone arrives for the Big Game, the mood is a little ambiguous. The sky is gray, the crowd seems happy but calm, and MTV has added in some nervous sounding music. Alex confessionals that this is most likely his last football game. Most likely? Um, Alex, this is it. Even if you guys win today, it’s over. Max confessionals that it might not get any better than Hoover High School. Uh oh. Please don’t tell me that Max is on his way to becoming Al Bundy – forever dreaming of those glorious days of high school football. Can we please get some perspective here?

"Four touchdowns in one game!"

Coach Propst channels General Eisenhower’s pre D-Day words, telling the boys that this game is the game of all games. Again with the war analogies? He tells the boys to play perfect and be dominant from start to finish. Do it one time, hard as you can go. The boys burst through their banner to the dramatic strains of a choir singing and I’m picturing glass breaking and tears streaming… light sabers clashing, you know, high suspense. The Überdome is packed with fans. Well, if by packed I mean nearly empty, then yes, it’s packed. The Hoover Bucs link arms and march out to face the foe.

United we win!

And now for the last time this season (sniffle) we have our Big Game highlights:

  • First of all, the Daphne football team is wearing purple, which can’t possibly bode well for them.
  • Right away, Repete sacks the Daphne quarterback. Excellent.
  • Daphne punts from their end zone, but our Bucs block the punt right there in the end zone, which is apparently the same as a touchdown, because the score is now 7 to 0. Repete’s dad does a cabbage patch from the stands.

  • Daphne fumbles and Max grabs the ball, forcing a turnover and putting Hoover back on the offense. I couldn’t help but notice Alex running around during that play not helping at all.
  • Ross runs the ball right in for a touchdown. 14 to 0.
  • Daphne has the terrible misfortune of fumbling yet again, and Max is yet again Johnny-on-the-spot with the recovery – this time in the end zone! 21 to 0. Once again, thanks for nothing, Alex.
  • Max is quickly becoming the hero of this game as he blocks Daphne’s next attempt at a punt.
  • Next, Hoover player #33 intercepts a pass from Daphne. These guys can do no wrong today in this “game of all games.”
  • Ross throws a successful pass that becomes a touchdown. Seriously, this is too easy. 28 to 0.
  • In the stands, Ross’ girlfriend, a cheerleader named Elliot, says, “Look at the score. I thought they were supposed to be good.” Hey, me too! What about all that video footage the boys had to watch? These guys aren’t putting up much of a fight.
  • In the locker room at halftime, Coach Propst tells the boys, “This is yer game.”
  • Oooh, back from halftime, it’s suddenly become nighttime. Ross throws a long pass to Cornelius, who catches it and dives into the end zone in slow motion. Very tricky.

  • The producers have decided there is some stuff we didn’t need to see (besides the sun going down) because the score is now 42 to 0. I know a slow motion touchdown is tricky, but I don’t think it’s worth 14 points.
  • Ross manages to run the ball quite a ways down the field and in for another touchdown. Now I’m convinced this is an editing conspiracy because the score is 49 to 14. I guess Daphne’s touchdowns are not deemed worthy of air time.
  • Hoover intercepts another Daphne pass.
  • Coach Propst gets the ego stroke he’s after when an announcer says, “Rush Propst, like him or loathe him, is one heck of a high school football coach.” I think Coach Propst can die happy now – well transfer to the home office.

    "My humility is finally paying off. Not to mention my discipline."

  • Everyone seems to have stopped playing in favor of watching the clock run out. It looks like it’s going to be a four-peat!
  • Max’s stepdad Jim embraces Max on the sidelines and tells him, “I am proud of you. Been a helluva game.” At last! Max has won approval from Jim! Will the pressure now be off?
  • Coach Propst is drenched with icy liquid from an enormous cooler. I’m still on bullet points because the clock is still running.
  • Fireworks begin to explode. Max wonders out onto the field.
  • Ah, at last the crowd counts down 5… 4… 3… 2… 1! The Hoover Bucs are state champions!

All the Hoover students and fans rush the field in ecstatic celebration. Cheerleaders embrace smelly football players, and a trophy is hoisted into the air above the players’ heads. The boys are skipping and prancing and screaming into the cameras as if this is the Superbowl – which, I guess for them it is. Alex and Max get all silly and pretend to cry with overwhelming emotion, culminating in Alex scooping Max up onto his shoulder. I may be more inclined to celebrate with Alex if I had gotten to mention him more than ONE TIME in this entire season’s highlights. Glory leech. Kristin and Blair hug and cry for real. This is, after all, the last time two sisters will cheer together.

Alex and Danielle pose for a picture together and as soon as the flash is over Danielle drops her arm and her smile and runs off. Alex meanders to the locker room alone.

Coach Propst takes us out with a sincerely gleeful locker room speech, telling the boys he is very proud of them and that now when they say “dynasty,” it really means “dynasty.” I guess four is the magic dynasty number. We are treated to one last team “Dynasty!” shout.

So what do you think of season 1? Are you proud of the Bucs? Happy for Coach Propst? Is there to be a five-peat on the horizon?

Part two of the season finale aired on-line in some sort of ratings gimmick. A thorough recap is on the way!

We'd love to hear from you about your preferences for life after Two-A-Days. Be sure to vote and let us know what you want!

Two-A-Days episode links:

Episode 1 - So Much Better Than Laguna Beach (Two-A-Days)

Episode 2 - Second Time's the Charm (on Two-A-Days)

Espisode 3 - Starring Coach Propst as God (on Two-A-Days)

Episode 4 - Starved for Something on Two-A-Days

Episode 5 - Hoorah for Hoover High Homecoming on Two-A-Days

Episode 6 - Revendge is Sweat on Two-A-Days

Episode 7 - I'm Thankful for Two-A-Days

My Favorite Shows

1 comment:

NoiXdeCoco said...

I LOUVRED TVGasms photo on the front page of their post: Check It

Can't wait to read this...