Hoorah for Hoover High Homecoming on Two-A-Days!

Like, three cheers for us getting back together, y'all!

Guess what. It’s Homecoming Week at Hoover High School and the entire state of Alabama is involved. There are dress-up days where everyone goes to school, work, the Piggly Wiggly, whatever, dressed in costume. There is Powder Puff Football, where girls get a chance to try their hand at the sport that the boys rule over as gods. Finally, there is the all-important Homecoming Game against Pelham. Did you know this is the biggest game of their lives? Did you know that the Buccaneers have to win, or else there will be a price to pay? Blair confessionals that it’s kind of sad this year because they are seniors and it is their last chance to do the dress-up days. She then pulls a Big Bird costume out of her mom purse.

Jessica, one of Kristin’s cheerleading cohorts, tells us that the Powder Puff game is between junior and senior girls – it’s a big rivalry. Kristin predicts that the seniors will win this year.

FOOTBALL PRACTICE! Ross confessionals that he got the “A-OK” from his doctor to play this week. Coach Propst then explains that he is unable to make his mortgage payment this month, but he saw Ross’ doctor driving past practice in a spanking new Mercedes. Hmm… something isn’t adding up. Just kidding, y’all!

We now head to Powder Puff practice, where Taylor, the former football player who sat at the bottom of the stairs and let his friends be killed while he ate at Johnny Rockets, is coaching the girls and trying to recapture some of his lost glory. He is taking it very seriously and being very strict.

Next is a montage of Taylor coaching the girls and channeling Coach Propst to perfection. Flash to Coach Propst hocking a loogey. Flash to Taylor hocking a loogey. Coach Propst kills a small animal. Taylor kills a small animal. Coach Propst has no mercy on the boys. Taylor has no mercy on the girls. He even forces one to do push-ups. The boys practice into the night. The girls practice into the night. Blair complains that she may have broken her boob during a play. Where was her mom purse?

Now Blair confessionals all about how much fun Spirit Week is at Hoover High School and regions beyond. There is Dress-Like-Your-Favorite-Movie-Character-Day. To illustrate this point, we see Max in the cafeteria heckling girls in costume. He asks a blatant Wonder Woman if she is a porn star, and then accuses a girl dressed up as Will Smith from Men in Black of wearing brown. He’s never seen a movie called Men in Brown! I think Max is lashing out from all of the pressure he is under in the only way he knows how – sexual harassment. Well, at least he’s gearing up for the way things are in the NFL.

And it’s back to practice, where Goose confessionals that practice this week is pretty laid back because they are playing a team that isn’t as good as Hoover, and everyone, like, knows it. He says that they are just chilling out with the trainers and talking about that God of Football, Alex. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think Goose is jealous of Alex at all. We cut to two random girls standing around the football field watching Alex and counting down the “Top Ten Reasons Why We’re Jealous of Alex Binder.” I love this game! It’s almost as fun as Kristin’s “Everyone Focus on Me!” Alex apparently also loves this game, confirming verbally that he is, in fact “too cool for school,” and demonstrating that he is able to spin a football on one finger. The girls ask Goose to participate and he claims not to be jealous of Alex, even for his girlfriend. Uh huh. Then Goose has a change of heart and decides he’s jealous of Alex for his “uncanny ability to get out of crap.” I’m remembering how Alex locked Jamie’s backpack to a stool in the first episode and the entire faculty of Hoover High School thought it was precious, but Goose is apparently referring to the Keagan Debacle. Remember that little stunt Alex pulled by participating in an unauthorized study session with Keagan? Goose confessionals that he is frustrated that Kristin keeps going back to Alex, even after he studies with other girls. No. Goose is definitely not jealous at all.

Now the cheerleaders are getting ready for tonight’s Powder Puff Game. They are applying a makeup technique I call “smoky eyes,” but they apparently think it looks like someone has punched them in the eye. Oh dear, do I need to revisit my makeup books? Am I going around looking like I’ve been abused? Oh wait. Maybe they are just trying to recreate the boys’ black sun-shielding stripes. Or maybe they are just practicing for the Homecoming Dance, I don’t know anymore. Whatever they’re doing, they are pumped. Black eye shadow will do it every time. At the girls’ big game, it appears that the juniors are wearing orange and black, and the seniors are wearing hot pink and black.

Back from commercial, it looks like about 12 people have turned out to watch the game. This is downright misogynistic. Why aren’t the supermarkets closed? Where is the love for the Hoover Buccaneer-ettes? Okay fine. It looks like there are some boys cross-dressing as cheerleaders who have also taken their job very seriously, as I do believe I witnessed a successful basket toss in there. As for the game, I would give highlights, but the truth is, there aren’t any. The game was a total blowout, and Taylor confessionals that he would like to take all the credit, being such an excellent Propst Jr., but he does concede that the girls played very well. The seniors win 27 to 0. Thanks, Taylor! Goose looks on in agony as Alex and Kristin embrace.

Next we join another football practice where Repete is standing around giving a multitude of opinions and Goose confessionals that he would like to get it out in the open that he really does not like Repete. Oh, this is interesting. A little drama from the male side of things? Let’s find out why. Repete is predicting that Goose will have a perfect life, which includes a wife, two kids, a mansion, and no life. Okay, that was nice enough until the end when it became slightly hostile. But then Repete says that talking trash is his way of letting people know he likes them. Goose then says that Repete needs to learn how to shut up. Alrighty then.

We now join a surgical procedure in progress where Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt is having his boot permanently attached to Max’s butt. It seems that Max can not do one thing right these days. Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt yells during practice that Max Lerner does not have enough balls to make a play – he’s scared! Max is then kneeling on the sidelines lamenting that no matter how hard he tries, he always messes up. Oh no, the girls better stay away from Max in the lunchroom tomorrow, unless they are looking to be verbally raped. Next Max reaches the absolute lowest of lows in football practice: he has become the punter. Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt asks, “Did I embarrass you good? Good, I hope I did ‘cause you’re embarrassing the hay-el outta me.” All Max needs to do here is wave some asparagus around and Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt would run for cover. Poor Max.

Here we go. It looks like it’s finally the day of the Big Game. And this one is Homecoming, so there is a lot more going on besides the usual reputations and futures at stake. Blair confessionals that the Homecoming festivities take place at halftime, then everyone will be meeting up at Blair’s house for pictures, then they will be going to the dance, so it’s going to be a crazy night. That does sound crazy. A football game, Blair’s house, and then a dance? What will these kids think of next? Well, I’ll tell you what they’ll think of next. They’ll think that doing your hair like Donald Trump is a cool thing to do. Yes, we catch a glimpse of Blair’s date, whose “hairdo” is so out of control that it is bordering on the Donald's territory. Really now, I’m serious. I don’t want to hear a word about the “southern shag” because this is the most ludicrous thing I’ve seen in a while. He’s fired.

Coach Propst now confessionals that Homecoming Week is just bad because it is a week of distractions, it’s not routine, and he just hopes they can perform. Yeah, down with high school! Down with anything celebratory! Down with any rite of passage or youthful festivity! This is football, people. Football! Coach Propst will have no pesky institution getting in the way. He only puts up with the fact that Hoover is a high school so that he can have a practice field and a stadium to play in. This school crap goes a little too far sometimes, and really gets in the way of Coach Propst ruling the world.

Out on the field, it looks like some parents have made a very foolish decision in letting their very small boys meet Coach Propst at an early age. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, meet the Hoover Buccaneers Pee-Wee League. Coach Propst tells the boys to watch tonight’s game and pay attention because pretty soon they will be the new Hoover Buccaneers. You would think that this would send the little boys fleeing in terror, but instead, they raise their hands to ask questions. Coach Propst brags that he has been coaching for 25 years. The boys still don’t run away.

The high school Buccaneers now get in their final bit of practice just before the Big Game. Max is apparently still on punishment because he explains to us that he will be the punter this evening. After a few practice kicks, he demonstrates extreme charm by going to the sidelines to high five all of the Pee-Wee Buccaneers. That is adorable.

Oh goody! It’s time for Coach Propst’s pre-game motivational speech. I’m really feeling the hole where Team Chaplain Terry Slay usually delivers his unconstitutional religious football sermon. Oh well, I guess we’ll have to make do with Coach Propst screaming that these boys are on the verge of a regional championship and they are the most unfocused pile of crap he’s even seen. Jeepers, you would think that tonight is their Homecoming Dance or something. Ah hah! Here is a beautiful Coach Propst quote moment: “And I got about seven of ya in here ain’t got your freakin’ daggum socks on!” Hooray for made-up swear words! More screaming, more screaming, and we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, it’s time for the highlights:

• As promised, Ross is back in the game, hoping Hoover doesn’t lose their Homecoming Game.
• Right away, Hoover intercepts a pass and runs it in for a touchdown! Way to go, Buccaneers!
• Ross throws another touchdown pass and the Buccaneers lead Pelham 14 to 0.
• Max kicks a 42 yard punt. According to the announcers, this is pretty good.
• Seconds before halftime, Ross hurls himself over a huge clump of players, landing with the football in the end zone, ending the first half at 21 to 0.

At halftime, as we were forewarned by Blair, are the Homecoming festivities. It looks as though Blair has been nominated for Homecoming Queen and is being led out onto the field by her father to hear the announcement of the winner. Her mom purse looks weird with her semiformal dress.

Aw, that’s too bad because Miss Kaitlin Oliver is crowned Homecoming Queen instead of Blair. Blair says she is a little disappointed, but all the girls on the Homecoming Court are her good friends and are really sweet. Well that’s weird. A bunch of girls who are good friends are the ones who got nominated for Homecoming Queen? That usually doesn’t happen in high school. Usually there are various choices from different groups and clubs and the votes are spread around evenly. Oh wait, no. I meant to say just the opposite of that. Blair embraces Kaitlin in what looks more like a chokehold than a hug, if you ask me.

• Back from the halftime break, Cornelius runs the ball in for another touchdown. 28 to 0, and this isn’t that exciting anymore.
• Cornelius catches the ball in the end zone and Taylor is on the sidelines, once again trying to take credit for the game. Ha ha.
• The game ends 35 to 7, so I guess there was some stuff we didn’t see, but I think we got the general drift. Hoover wins their Homecoming Game and Coach Propst should be momentarily placated.

On the way out of the locker room, Repete tells Alex he is going to “get on y’all’s girls.” Alex says that Kristin would slap Repete before Alex could, and Repete agrees that Kristin looks like she is ready to fight someone.

Over at Blair’s house, Kristin tells us she is pleased with the way Alex looks because he cleaned up and dressed up, so she is excited for the rest of the night. His tie even matches her dress, how special. Blair suggests taking a picture of Alex with all the ladies and Kristin quickly shuts her down. Blair laughs a little too hard at her own “joke.” Posing for a more innocent picture, Kristin tells Alex to stop moving because he is messing up her hair. It’s not like she was sporting a complicated updo; her hair was just down loose and straight. Apparently any hint of a breeze caused by Alex shifting ever so slightly is going to be the undoing of her undone hair. Blair’s date, on the other hand, needs to be extremely careful not to let anything get near his freaky boy-bangs. I’ve said enough – you be the judge.

On to the dance, which appears to be taking place in the announcement box over the football stadium, where Blair exclaims that she LOVES this song and starts bouncing around to Britney Spears’ “Overprotected.” Or IS she bouncing to Britney? Is this just something that the MTV producers added in later as an homage to our football heroes and their struggles under Coach Propst? After all, next year they will be attending Homecoming dances at college, with no more Coach Propst to protect them, and then who knows what will happen? What are they to do with their lives? They will find it out, don’t worry. How are they supposed to know what’s right? They’ve just got to do it their way. They can’t help the way they feel. But their lives have been so o-ver-protected!

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