Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Genius is As Genius Does

Private Eyes. Wait...Which Is My Leg??

I'm glad to see that the Girls Next Door came back on the air for a second season. There have been some magical moments already (I think we're on like the 6th episode):
  • The time Bridget did a warm-up striptease for her mom and dad and stripped down to her pasties.
  • The time Kendra got grillz for her front teeth.
  • The time Holly threw a slumber party for the playmate of the year and spent way too much time blowing up balloons and losing IQ points in the process.
We're all caught up to the sixth (approx?) episode, and the ladies (term used loosely) and Hugh are in Europe doing a speed tour of 4 countries in 22 minutes. In reality, they spent an ENTIRE DAY in each country - aren't they lucky? Bridget thinks that Europe is so beautiful.

We first find the ladies (term used loosely) in Cannes, Frances. According to Kendra, Cannes is famous for its film festivals. Thanks captain obvious. As you will notices in upcoming quotes, apparently Kendra is way smarter than we are, so thank heavens she informs us of how things are...you just wait till they get to Barcelona. Bridget thinks that Cannes is so beautiful.

Hugh's less fortunate brother Keith has been tagging along in season two, and Europe was no exception. Keith wonders why he can't have just one of the ladies probably once every two seconds. There isn't much room left for other thoughts in his head, as you can tell from his drool puddle on his collar.

There's all sorts of shots of the south of France, and with the combined cheesy "Let's Go France" music, I got a quick flashback to Vista L.A. from the 80s. It was uber cheesy.

The gang go to a strip club and we get a voice over from Miss Holly - "French people appreciate nude photography as an art form." I L-O-V-E reality show editing. I think there should be an award show just for editing facial expressions in when totally and completely unrelated dialogue is happening. It's AWESOME.

Kendra then declares - "People in Europe love us because we are sexual people." Are the Europeans the only ones having sex? They finally have an American representative of sexual people!!! Kendra - turn on MTV. Most ironically, Kendra is not having any sex...certainly not with Hugh Heffner, so what the hell is she talking about? These girls are the most asexual people I know. Bridget thinks that the strip show is so beautiful.

This is the most action we get

The gang then heads to Barcelona where Bridget declares, as she hangs over the balcony of her hotel room: "The view is amazing, we can see the whole Mediterranean Ocean." Ok, so first, you can't see the WHOLE thing. And second, it's the Mediterranean Sea!!!! This is the smart one too - the one who has a Master's Degree! But it is from the University of Pacific [Ocean] ha ha ha ha. Bridget also thinks that Barcelona is so beautiful.

Bridget and Kendra (what a nightmare, alone time with Kendra) toured Barcelona while Hugh stayed behind and Holly got a massage. That's the best use of time - I mean, they were in Barcelona for the WHOLE DAY, why bother seeing it when you can get a massage? All day. And as for Bridget and Kendra, what a great relationship they have with their "bf" - they get to tour the city alone.

And here's Kendra appreciating the local culture of Spain when encountered with a closed store: "It's closed? Why the f%^* is it closed?" Then confessionals: "All the shops were closed because of nap time? Come on, wake the f^&* up!" At this point I have come to completely despise this trash bag as she goes around Europe screaming at the top of her lungs and being an ugly American.

Holly reminds us once again that puffin is 80 years old - UGH!!!!!!! Kendra declares that "Hef did so good dancing" - arghhhhh my ears are bleeding. At least speak English.

The gang is now off to Munich after a WHOLE DAY in Barcelona. They first (and last) go to a German beer garden where Holly screeches out: "COASTERS!!!" I'm not really feeling these morons out of the stupid ward (that may be too obscure - an analogy for fish out of water.) I liked them much better when they where beached whales at the mansion. Bridget thinks that Munich is so beautiful.

Here Are "The Girls" Being Served on By The Mansion Staff

Back to the beer garden - Bridget, suddenly in a servitude mood, took "heavy" beer around to the tables in a skanky traditional German outfit. At this point I'm so engaged in this episode that my head jerks as the sound of traffic outside awakens me. In a testament to class, Kendra and Bridget chugged beer...while looking sexy...cause in Europe, you know, the drinking age is 18! As if Kendra has been holding back...I think they both grew mustaches.

Once again Bridget and Kendra went out together and danced with each other - I am so envious, I wish I could have a boyfriend that never spends time with me.

No boyfriend here...

The very next morning - they're off to ROME! My gosh, is this the sampler platter of traveling??

Bridget thinks that Rome is so beautiful. Kendra, at first sight of the Coliseum, declares in her most delicate demeanor: "What the f%^& is that?" And then confessionals: "It's really a good thing that they kept all that stuff from years and years ago, cause then, you know, we'd have nothing to look at." At this point, I realized that the best title for this show, instead of the totally inappropriate The Girls Next Door (cause I would shoot these people if they lived next door to me) should have been The Reason I Can't Take My Lip Gloss on an Airplane Anymore, or TRICTMLGAA for short. Tell me someone please, are we really showcasing this totally ignorant, polygamist lifestyle as "desirable?"

Kendra's genius-ness continues: "The Coliseum is where the lions came out and ate the gladiators. I love the gladiator look. Like George Clooney." I'm totally struck without words...but then...IT GOT EVEN BETTER!!!!

In the most ironic statement in the history of ironic statements, the following actually happened:

Ok, are you ready for this. This is a doozie. I mean seriously.

One of the men in gladiator costume picked up Holly, who was wearing a very short skirt, and inadvertently flashed her underwear to the whole crowd that was watching. What do you think was her reaction?

a. Ha ha, here's my covered hmm hmm...take a look and be envious
b. So they saw my underwear, they've already seen my uterus
c. I wish the gladiator would have just ripped my underwear off too, so it would be another excuse to show the world my privates
d. none of the above

The answer, much to your surprise I'm sure, is d.

Here's what she actually said:
"I think after Bridget (who was in jeans and a sweater) saw my underwear being shown to the entire population of Rome, she thought - I think I'll take a pass on that."

I wonder (facetiously) if Holly knew that the entire POPULATION OF THE WORLD has seen her completely nude from her not one, but two playboy pictorials.

I'm now completely disengaged in this episode...all I hear is:
Bridget: It was so beautiful
Holly: Being in Venice is so much cooler than it looks on TV
And then at some point a paparazzi jumps out of Kendra's ass.

I decided for my own philosophical health, no more reviews of TRICTMLGAA.

The "Girls" Looking Especially Creepy

What do you think Bridget thought of Europe? Do you think Kendra will get an honorary EU passport? Will Holly ever get up from the massage table and see Europe?

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