Friday, September 29, 2006

More Tyra


The Top Model Pyramid Scheme

Episode 2 of Top Model starts and ends with Monique - this season's cycle's dirty star. I've got all my money on her going to the final three or two. With the kind of scandal she oozes out, there's no way they'd get rid of her, plus the judges apparently think she looks like a Charlie's Angel, but a bit more smelly.

But first, I would like to mention that the show's theme song is now sung by Tyra! Where did this come from? Is she still trying to have a singing career after that terrible video she made the girls dance in - 'Shake Ya Body' - which to me looked and sounded just like an early J.Lo song. In other words, it was pretty terrible. Anyway, I noticed after the credits they showed a pic of Tyra and freeze framed on her mug for an uncomfortably long time. After about 10 seconds, I started to look around to see if others were squirming in their chairs from being stared at by Tyra. After 30 seconds, I began to blush and tried to look away from the television screen. After 6 minutes of Tyra's freeze frame, I ran to the bathroom and took out all my make-up and hair products and created a Tyra look for me, as at this point it was the ONLY acceptable action I could take. She IS the picture of perfection.

The episode starts with Monique complaining that she was awoken by 12 alarm clocks - how dare those 12 girls set an alarm clock when Monique is sleeping??? The ladies are off to breakfast with the bitchy Jays where they get a nice little lecture on being vulnerable and how that is the way to convey emotion in photos.

Tyra, sporting last week's wig, is acting like Oprah again when she went around screaming about hair cuts. It's make-over time!! And this season's cycle's make-overs are not that innovative. For instance, MelRose, who is a brunette, is now going to be a cheap beached blonde. And Brooke, who is a blonde, is going brunette. Wow. The best make-over story is Monique, whose look is inspired by....wait for it....TYRA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course.

Poor Anchal's forehead apparently is not big enough for Tyra, so they are going to thread her head to make room for more forehead. This sounds cruel and unusual. They keep unveiling mock-up drawings of the girls' new looks and when we get to Jaeda, they linger for a moment as she will have the biggest change in her look. I thought for sure they would reveal a mock-up drawing of Tyrese. But instead she's getting a massive hair cut. Tears follow, girls bitch and complain, and Monique hides in a closet because no one has seen her without her weave.



At this point blonde Jay threw a bitchfest with himself because he's tired of these girls and their drama. Six seasons cycles of this nonsense will do that to you.

The twins looked awesome with their new red hair, Megan looked great too with her short white pixie do. But I thought that Brooke looked the best with her chocolate brown hair, she looked amazing.

It's time for TYRA MAIL (which now has a picture of Tyra on it - this woman is like NASCAR, every inch of everything has her name and face plastered on it.)


TYRA MAIL!!

The girls go to their first challenge and Jay, still in a bitchy mood, is waiting for them. Jay says it's time to "make it up" to him for the drama they caused at make-overs. Their challenge is to put on make-up on floor one and get into an elevator in 15 seconds. Then on floor 15, they have to get out of the elevator and chose an 80s prom dress and make it back to the elevator again in 15 seconds. Then on floor 30, they have to get out of the elevator and chose shoes and accessories to match their ugly dresses and make it back to the elevator in 15 seconds. This goes on and on, when they get to floor 465, they will meet with Cover Girl executives, who have nothing better to do, and the girls have to sell them on their new "looks."

Monique missed the elevator at some point, and the girls started quivering in their boots that they will all get the fury that will be unleashed on them that night back at the cathouse.

Hold-up...the 'Cover Girl executives' is really Queen Latifah, who is a self-described baller. That's awesome. Did I mention Brooke looks great as a brunette? I love QL, she's so cute. We spend a few minutes with her and her "expertise" on make-up, and then the girls head back to the cathouse.

Monique, pissed off about missing the chance to meet Queen Latifah, gets on the phone. For 3 hours! Whoever is on the phone with her, I'm guessing her mom, is egging her on and we get a glimpse of where she gets her arrogance. Here is the quote from the mystery voice on the phone:

"When they mess with a child of God, they got trouble on their hand. You tell them: 'I am a princess on the throne.'"

Isn't everyone a child of God? I didn't know that Monique had the monopoly on that one. Also, who's messing with her? She was the one who failed her task of putting shoes on in 15 seconds.

Anchal decides to take matters into her own hands and gets violent with Monique and hangs up the phone. They get in a big fight, blah blah blah, after 3.5 hours, Monique goes to bed.

Back from commercial, the girls are whisked away to their photo shoot, where they are to be outfitted with 400lbs of hair and wigs, and another 200lbs of make-up. That makes total sense! After giving the girls a make-over - why not hide it behind a ton of hair and make-up?!?! I was totally curious as to how the girls will photograph with their new look and then they pull this stunt. The whole thing looked a bit weird.






A Peacock, Repunzel, and Tina Turner

Back at the house, the girls are gathered around a life-size Tyra cut-out and some candles where they pay homage to her nightly by chanting lyrics to "Shake Ya Body" when Monique sticks her hand in her hmmm hmmm and then in MelRose's face. That is sick! That is NOT the act of a 'princess on a throne.' I mean, can you picture Princess Dianna doing that? That is the act of an animal, or a contestant on 'The Flava of Love.' Monique is disgusting. Will she have ANY chance at winning this competition to be a Cover Girl? I mean after this, every time they would show her in a commercial applying make-up with her finger on her face, it would make me want to vomit.

At judging, there's a giant, three story photo of Tyra with a ton of hair and make-up, also known as the image of perfection for this photo shoot. I'm surprised they don't put that photo side-by-side with each of the girls photos and criticize them that way. "See how I show my neck and you don't??" "See how I show emotion in my eyes and you don't??"


"PERFECTION!!!"

Tyra makes a backhanded comment about the girls - "I don't recognize any of you. You all look amazing."

At judging, the word "pop" i.e. - your hair color makes your eyes POP...and...that shade of eye shadow makes your face POP - was used 6798 times (I counted!)

Tyra then chops someone's head off, but right before I noticed something different. She says "There are 12 young girls standing before me." What happened to 12 beautiful girls? I guess she's noticed what we've all seen since episode 1, not too many of these girls are actually beautiful.

What do you think? Can Monique pull off being a Cover Girl with her behavior? Will MelRose invite the girls back to her "place" at some point? Will Tyra start selling window clings with her image on it?

Go to Episode 1
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4 comments:

Honey Gangsta said...

Who's the freak show holding the Tyra Mail? :-P

NoiXdeCoco said...

Ha ha ha ha I thought you might like that!

Honey Gangsta said...

These bitches have got to go! Seriously. These girls all suck. If I have to listen to one more of them sob about changing her hair a fraction of a degree, I will chainsaw my television. The ones who bitched the most are the ones who changed the least. AJ got her short dark hair changed to short, slightly less dark hair. And she threw a fit saying it was too light. News flash moron – you are NOT a supermodel. You are NOT perfect as-is. Here is someone who is paid bizillions of dollars to make the world’s most beautiful women (Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum, ha ha ha) even more beautiful. And you’re going to pout and bitch like a spoiled little bitch. Have I said “bitch” enough yet? Then Monique, who went from fake long black hair to new fake long black hair cried like her dog was being put to sleep. BITCH. The one who seems most mature so far is the one who is STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL! And I agree that her switch from blond to brown was gorgeous. Brooke is her name. Seriously. Seriously. They should have sent home every girl who cried. What IS this? Who cries this much over a freaking HAIRCUT!??!?!? And these girls want to be MODELS!!!!! I have reached tones now that humans can no longer hear. GO HOME YOU UGLY LOSER BITCHES! YEAH, YOU! THE WORLD DOESN’T NEED MORE BITCHY BITCH-ASS STUCK UP MODELS! Tyra and Heidi have that market cornered!

Uh hem. I’ll try to compose myself and move along. Your post is awesome. I love that by clicking on “baller,” I found out that a baller is a “thug who is living large.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Queen Latifa is a thug living large. Love it. She IS really cute. I like her a lot. She seems down to earth, which is refreshing. Compare her to Tyra and the difference is amazing. Was Queen Latifa shoving poster-size pictures of herself up everyone’s nose? No. She seems very gracious. I wish white women were allowed to be her size.

Oh yeah, I was going to say about Anchal and her threaded forehead. I have wanted for many years for someone to thread me a smaller forehead. Mine isn’t just high, like the example of deity, Tyra, but mine is also extremely wide and Dracula-ish. Can Frederic Fekkai please thread my hairline closer to my eyes? I promise to light a candle and chant the lyrics to “Shake Ya Body” every night for a week. Okay four days.

I need to wrap this up so that I can go take a Zanex and calm down, so the last thing I’ll comment on is that child of Tyra – I mean God – Monique. So she’s the queen of the throne, is she? The queen of the throne? Who is she talking to telling her that? Queen of the throne? You know, right, that “throne” is a euphemism for “toilet.” And with her flicking her vaginal discharge around the cathouse, that may be an appropriate title. Queen of the Crapper. BITCH.

NoiXdeCoco said...

Wow - I love the mental image in my head of you chainsawing your television in two! Like the chainsaw is super heavy and you end up chopping off a corner instead of in the middle, and then you drop it by accident before turning it off, and then it cuts part of your rug and a nearby chair. All because of these BITCHES!

You're right, AJ was freaking out about her 'soft' look and Monique too, she looked practically the same. If they are so married to their 'look' then why go on a show that has a make-over on episode two for like six years now?

I feel ya about getting so irritated. The only thing that keeps me around still is the photo shoots, which I LOUVRE every week. So great.

After reading this comment, I really wish I was there watching with you, like the good old days :(