Behind-the-Back Talk in The Hills

"As of now, I have a life history of a dirty garbage scow
and a breakfast of extremely runny eggs over easy!"

It looks like Lauren has washed ashore to join Heidi for coffee and try to warn her about her ridiculous boyfriend choices. You see, Heidi has decided to go ahead and give Spencer another chance, which is not at all surprising. Lauren, however, seems to have had some epiphany about Spencer’s uselessness and is no longer on Team Spencer. Where she used to defend, she has now decided to forewarn. But what about the way he looks at Heidi? Lauren even starts to compare Spencer to Jason and wonders why Heidi isn’t learning from Lauren’s mistakes. Heidi claims it’s totally different with Spencer, and besides, maybe he’ll change. Yeah, good luck with that. Basically what the girls decide is that Heidi is free to continue dating Spencer, but Lauren no longer wants to talk about him, hear about him, or hang out with him. Oh, and she’ll be there for Heidi when Spencer screws her over, which he will. Will? He already has. The biggest problem with this latest arrangement is that it means WE haven’t seen the end of Spencer, and that really frosts my cookies.

“You Have Chosen”

Next Heidi comes strutting down the street with this walk she has decided to adopt that makes her look like she is about to dislocate one or both of her hips. She is seriously delusional. Especially because she is meeting up to eat with Spencer and waste some more of everybody’s time. Spencer, gigantic douche necklace intact, presents Heidi with a dozen roses – just to show what a nice guy he is. He then tells her he broke the piggy bank to get them for her. Scratch that nice guy thing. The conversation moves onto the fact that Spencer’s behavior has caused a rift between Lauren and Heidi. Spencer laments the fact that he was a jerk “in the beginning” and has now made things awkward between the girls. He wonders if Lauren knows how much he loves Heidi, squirms at the idea that now he has to prove himself to everybody, and finally asks Heidi if they are having a slumber party. Of course, Heidi giddily says yes.

"Who broke the piggy bank for you, baby?"

Back at the girls’ apartment, Lauren is busily engaged in the only activity she ever participates in at home – reading gossip magazines. Well, that’s not fair. Sometimes she stops reading long enough to tear out a page or two, but either way, she’s always firmly planted on the couch. Heidi dances in and presents Lauren with her roses, informing her that Spencer actually bought them for Lauren. Apparently she thinks that rather than leaving it to Spencer to “prove himself” to everybody, she will help him along by presenting false gifts in his name. Lauren responds with the wittiest thing I have ever heard come out of her mouth, “That’s really nice of him. Is he going to give them to Audrina tomorrow?” OH SNAP!!! (to quote Heidi.) That had to hurt! Ha! How will Heidi recover from that? Well, she pretends to not get it at all and just says, “No, they’re just for you,” very sincerely. Next is a huge awkward silence and Heidi goes off to pack her overnight ho bag, followed by very uncomfortable goodbyes from each girl. Heidi clearly senses Lauren’s disapproval and flees as quickly as possible. Lauren’s magazine tearing is interrupted by Audrina, who calls to invite her down the hall to eat. Over lasagna, the girls discuss Heidi’s latest stupid decision and wonder aloud how she can be so foolish. They also correctly hypothesize that Spencer will most likely be planting ideas in Heidi’s head about her friends just trying to break the two of them up for no good reason. Lauren can’t stop playing with her hair, which looks like it needs serious help, by the way.

Over at the Teen Vogue closet, Whitney finally displays traces of her former self by driving a conversation about the situation between Heidi and Lauren at home.

"I'm reapplying for my old driving job."

“It’s one thing to have a boyfriend; it’s another thing to just abandon your whole life, you know what I’m saying?” Yes, Whitney, I do. And I love it! Lauren goes on to blame Heidi for the weirdness of the situation by claiming that she (Heidi) is the one who has changed her behavior and not her (Lauren). I actually have to disagree here. Heidi has been a dumb, naïve, slut the entire time, but Lauren used to be supportive where now she has decided to be judgmental. Not that I blame her, mind you, I’m just pointing out that she is in fact, the one who changed behavior. Whitney deserves another quote here: “Because I think that you’ve probably gotten to the point where all you want is just your best friend.” Yay Whitney! Keep this up and you may just get your license back.

Outside on the street, Heidi and Spencer are strolling down the street together, twirling (I wish I were kidding) and flirting. Heidi declares that she has big plans for the two of them this weekend, which are – coming to the club with her and Lauren! How unusual! I bet, too, that the club she means is Area! I don’t know, just a crazy wild guess. Spencer says no – he doesn’t want to go to the club anymore because the club just causes conflict. More accurately, Spencer just causes conflict, so it really doesn’t matter where they go, we’ll still have to look at his fat ugly face. Spencer suggests that the girls go without him (great idea!) and whines that he doesn’t want to go because he doesn’t like Lauren. Hmm, now he doesn’t like Lauren? Yeah, it sucks when people see through your B.S. façade. When Heidi asks him to be nice he counters with, “She’s not nice to me!” And Heidi promises that Lauren will try. See? This is how he operates. He now has Heidi apologizing for Lauren, when all along, Spencer has been the creep. He’s very manipulative, and it works well on weak minds – which explains why he’s still on the show, and probably will be for the remainder of the season.

To everyone’s shock and surprise, we now head over to – Area! It’s the only nightclub in LA, didn’t you know? At the door, Heidi tries to smooth things over with Lauren, saying there’s been a lot of miscommunication. To Lauren’s great credit, she responds with, “Well, it’s not a miscommunication, but…” Way to go, Lauren! Way to not cave to Team Spencer’s manipulative ways. Anyway, Heidi is sick of fighting with everybody (hmm, still not telling her anything?) and she’s ready to have some fun! Despite all of his protests, Spencer is here in full regalia, meaning about 12 necklaces. The Amazing Brody Jenner is also here, ready to tell Lauren she looks amazing and he’s having an amazing night. Audrina is on a couch with her friend Clint (who?) and she is watching Spencer hitting on a random girl while Heidi is off dancing with Lauren and wondering if her boobs look big in tonight’s outfit. Spencer tells the random girl to lick his neck and he’ll come. And just when I didn’t think it was possible for him to get any more repulsive.

"Wow, you weren't lying!"

Well, Lauren decides that she’s had enough and she’s taking Heidi home. But just as she’s about to leave, Brody pulls her aside to ask her to remind him what his name is again. Just kidding, he wants to know why she’s trying to keep Heidi and Spencer apart. Can’t she see that Heidi loves Spencer? Um, why don’t you go celebrate life, Brody? This is way over your head. Next, Spencer grabs Lauren and informs her that they are making peace. He then dives into one of his condescending speeches where he misquotes everyone and when Lauren answers, he tells her to relax and take a deep breath. Funny, that’s exactly what he told Heidi when she caught him trying to get into a Playmate’s pants. Spencer’s justification for hitting on everyone in front of Heidi is that Heidi “gets” him, and she knows what he’s like. Okay, whatever. We all know that Heidi is a complete imbecile, but does that mean that Lauren and Spencer have to be friends? No it does not. Spencer keeps insisting that he is only concerned for Lauren and Heidi’s friendship and again tries to shush Lauren when she answers, so she finally walks away, which she should have done in the first place. Sensing his defeat, Spencer tells Brody, “I’m not going five feet from that girl for the rest of my life.” Aw, what happened to “so making peace” Spencer? After everything, Lauren goes home alone and Heidi stays, embracing poor misunderstood Spencer.

After recovering from the drama that was Area, Lauren comes over to Brody’s amazing apartment to have an amazing chat. Brody says, “Have a seat, Beautiful,” and Lauren happily does. Then Brody wants to know why all the amazing drama. Lauren informs him that Spencer has a reputation for being a creep, which Brody just can’t understand, and that many people warned Heidi to not get serious with Spencer, which Brody just doesn’t agree with. Lauren brings up the re-gifting of Heidi’s roses to Audrina and Brody just cracks up, like it is the funniest thing in the world. This is why guys are dogs. When confronted head-on with an example of how his friend has mistreated a girl, Brody laughs like nothing funnier has ever happened. It’s like he’s saying that what Spencer did is totally natural and expected, and it’s just funny that he got caught. He keeps telling Lauren that if Heidi really likes Spencer, Lauren should just be happy for her, despite whatever danger she may be in. Lauren says that if she weren’t getting along with her best friend, she couldn’t be happy. Brody’s head almost explodes. He would be a perfect contestant for a reverse “Beauty and the Geek.”

"Have I told you you're amazing?"

Later Spencer comes over to Brody’s amazing apartment, presumably to concoct a scheme for tonight’s self-promoting adventures, and Brody relates his conversation with Lauren. Spencer is completely offended that Lauren can’t just “stay out of other people’s lives.” I’m sorry, but if I am viewing correctly, it seems that Spencer and Brody are the ones who keep bringing this up, not Lauren. If they don’t care what Lauren thinks, why can’t they just go on their merry ways? Oh, that’s right. The cameras revolve around Lauren, so without her, they aren’t on television. Spencer tells Brody that Heidi gave Lauren her roses, telling her they were from Spencer, as if he would ever spend a dollar on her! Brody again cracks up like nothing was ever funnier. Such a nice, amazing guy.

Over at Bolthouse Productions, Heidi receives a call from Spencer, and she answers with, “Hello my darling. How are you?” Ugh – please spare me this last! Well, Spencer has only called to tattle on Lauren for saying stuff to Brody - just like Lauren and Audrina predicted! Spencer says that Lauren accused Heidi of not being happy, to which Heidi responds, “I’m like, the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life.”

"I can't even contain my happiness right now."

That’s tragic. It truly is. What’s funny, though, is that it is probably also the happiest Heidi will ever be in her entire life, and that makes me feel a little better for the moment. Spencer tells Heidi he doesn’t even see how the two girls can live together anymore. Yes, far be it from him to ever come between two friends.

Over at fashion school, Lauren can’t concentrate, even though her teacher is Nick from the second season of Project Runway. All she can do is play with her hair.

An original Santino design

At home, Heidi is waiting to confront Lauren about her conversation with Brody. “Do you think I’m unhappy?” Lauren clarifies that what she said is that she wouldn’t be happy if she were barely talking to her best friend. Heidi whines that she feels like she has to choose between Lauren and Spencer. Lauren says Heidi doesn’t have to choose, but she has chosen – for the last week and a half. Well! Heidi is having none of that. She exclaims that Lauren is her best friend in the world and she loves her more than anything and she hates it when things aren’t good between them (which is exactly what Lauren relayed to Brody). Lauren counters with the fact that if she were actually so important to Heidi, then Heidi would have made time for her over the last little while – again, she has chosen. Lauren finally pulls out the big guns and asks Heidi how she would feel if Lauren decided to go hang out with Jason again. Shocked, Heidi says, “It’s a whole different issue.” Yes, of course it is Heidi. It always is when you’re the one being abused, isn’t it? “You don’t know how he looks at me.” Anyway, Lauren wants to know why Heidi ran right to Spencer and told him Lauren hates him, which Heidi denies. So Lauren asks, “Why would he buy me flowers if you didn’t say anything?” Uh oh. Here it comes. Heidi says (in a very high-pitched tone) that they were her flowers and she only said they were for Lauren as a joke. Ha ha, get it? Here are some flowers for you, ha ha ha. Just kidding, they’re not for you at all, they’re for me! Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, I love that gag. It’s classic. Please Heidi! We all know that was your weak attempt at getting Lauren to forgive Spencer and it backfired, so just quit while you’re ahead, okay? Lauren is completely insulted and storms away into her room. I’m really respecting her on this episode. Just this episode, though. She refuses to come out of her room, so Heidi packs a suitcase and heads off to stay with Spencer. Bon Voyage, bi-atch!

Heidi slowly dislocates a hip.

Next week: Jen wears a crown and wants to go on a date with Brody.