Lauren's Birthday Choice (In The Hills)

Our post-New-Year’s episode begins with Heidi “letting Lauren know” that Spencer asked her to move in with him. Of course, she has already softened the blow by planting the information on Lo, knowing it would come out before she had to have a face-to-face with Lauren. Lauren says she already knows and that honestly she thinks it’s a little freaky. Interesting how something she did herself less than a year ago seems freaky when Heidi is considering it. But logic aside, Lauren is exactly right, as we all well know. Spencer is nothing if not freaky, and this latest scheme of his can’t possibly be in anyone’s best interest but his own. Heidi protests, claiming that Spencer’s suggestion is completely sweet, but Lauren is having none of it.

"It wasn't freaky. It was really sweet."

It’s still funny to me that Heidi is expecting people who have been shat on by Spencer to be excited about this and agree with her that it’s so flattering. “Do you want to?” Lauren asks, a little incredulously. Heidi looks down, then gets this huge smile on her face and says she told him she’s not going to and she’s happy she decided to stay with Lauren. I have to go ahead and call BS on this one. The last we saw, Heidi was seriously considering Spencer’s offer, and the previews for next week imply that Spencer doesn’t know Heidi’s decision at the time of this conversation with Lauren. While I appreciate that Heidi is showing signs of good judgment for the first time ever, I do think that at the moment she is just placating Lauren and hasn’t really made a decision.

Look out! “Apology Not Accepted” this week. Ha!

Now Heidi comes over to Audrina’s apartment and Audrina is wearing a really cute pink ruffled top that I bet I can purchase on the MTV website, the part called “Seen On.” I can’t in good conscience link to it because it’s just insulting. Okay I just checked and Audrina’s top is not up (yet) but I bet it’s over $100.

Anyway, I guess Heidi and Audrina are back to being BFF’s and they are planning a big surprise for Lauren’s upcoming 21^st birthday. The plan is that Heidi is going to pretend to be having dinner with Lauren, but bail out at the last second, then Audrina will step in and bring Lauren over to Hyde where the entire party will be waiting to surprise her. I keep wondering why Heidi can’t just bring Lauren directly to Hyde for the surprise. I don’t really understand why hurting her feelings terribly has to come before the party. Oh well, I’ll never understand these girls, so on with the show!

Over at Teen Vogue Lauren is flipping through the clothes racks – seriously, I don’t know how this magazine would ever run without its interns – while Whitney drives a conversation about Lauren’s birthday plans. Lauren admits that she doesn’t have any plans except to go out with Heidi, and she always thought she would do something big for her 21^st birthday. Whitney reassures her that it’s no big deal as long as she spends the evening with friends. Hmm, I suspect Whitney may be in on the little upcoming surprise.

At Bolthouse Productions, Heidi is much more busily employed than the Teen Vogue interns. She’s on her cell phone with her boyfriend talking about this weekend’s party. She instructs Spencer to bring Brody, which doesn’t seem right, but okay. Suddenly there is an unexpected visitor at Bolthouse Productions named Jen Bunney. Uh oh. Heidi doesn’t look happy about this at all. She jumps up and quickly pulls Jenn out into the hall where she tells her she can’t talk because she’s working. Since it’s obvious that Heidi certainly can talk while she’s “working,” this could only mean that she has decided to forsake Jen Bunney and all of the devious actions that she (Heidi) helped to instigate just a couple of weeks ago. It turns out that Jen has just dropped by to whine that no one will talk to her and she really thinks that all of this has been blown out of proportion. Heidi just says that Lauren is still really mad, but that she (Heidi) is staying out of it. Too bad she didn’t just stay out of it on that fateful night. This scene really illustrates how mean Heidi is. She totally egged Jen on to hook up with Brody and kept telling her to do whatever she wanted because it was her birthday and Lauren couldn’t control her life. Now Jen shows up to talk to her supposed friend about being completely blown off by everyone and Heidi just stands there staring at her and saying she wants nothing to do with it and she’s way too busy to talk. I’m no Bunney fan, but Heidi is just evil. I honestly think she’s just happy to shift “outcast status” onto someone else after she’s had it for so long because of Spencer.

"I'm not backstabbing you, I'm just super busy."

Later Heidi bursts through the door of her apartment overflowing with the news of Jen’s visit to Bolthouse Productions. Her version of the conversation is somewhat different than the one that was taped and shown on television. Heidi claims to have really told Jen what’s what and put her in her place about the whole thing, when all she actually did was stand there and act awkward. Whatever. Lauren wonders why Jen is so desperate and whether she has any other friends. Both Lauren and Heidi have said that now when they have been mad at someone: “Doesn’t she have any other friends?” No ladies. You are everyone’s only friends and they have nothing to do but stalk you. You’re that important. So after the girls finish tearing Jen apart Heidi seems very satisfied with herself and we’re off to commercial.

We rejoin our heroines in the bathroom getting ready for Lauren’s big “birthday dinner.” Lauren is worried about her usual life-and-death matters like that fact that she is wearing a dress and Heidi is wearing jeans and a top. This is quickly replaced by a new worry when Heidi answers a call from Spencer and seems to be getting ready to ditch her. True to plan, Heidi claims to have to rush out to meet Spencer for some mysterious reason and says she’s so sorry, but she’ll call Lauren when she figures out what’s going on. Lauren futilely begs her not to go, but out she breezes to the parking lot where she calls Audrina to tell her everything is right on schedule. Lauren, slumped on the floor in dejected distress, calls Audrina to try and salvage some form of birthday joviality. Audrina, of course, suggests drinks at Hyde.

In the car on the way over to the party, Lauren and Audrina trash talk Heidi, you know, to get the full effect of the deception. Lauren has really had it up to here with Heidi and her running off constantly with Spencer. Audrina agrees. So sneaky! When the girls finally arrive and Lauren’s surprise comes to fruition, the only thing I can concentrate on is Audrina’s dress – and this is not a good thing. She looks like a Woodstock-era folk singer on LSD.

"♫♪ Where have all the flowers gone...?"

I’m sure this monstrosity is haute couture and will also be available on “Seen On” and will set you back a couple months’ rent. Let’s face it, I’ll probably buy the cheap version at Forever 21 in a month or two. But for now, I can’t believe this is stylish. Anyway, Lauren forgives Heidi and begins to greet all of her guests. Lo is here in a somewhat less maternity-looking outfit, even Whitney has made it out into public, and the Amazing Brody Jenner is here, thanks to Heidi. Lauren hugs him and asks who let him in. Ha! If only she meant it. Brody hasn’t forgotten to bring his usual charm and says, “There is the oh-so-beautiful birthday girl.” Ugh. The two of them launch into one of their idiotic flirting sessions where they don’t say anything important and just giggle at each other. I guess Brody is forgiven – that makes sense. Brody tells Lauren that he clapped when she came in, and I’m sure that drained him of brain power for the evening. They decide to sit down and have more of a chat and all Brody can think to ask is where is Jen Bunney this evening. Excellent, Brody. Way to avoid any awkwardness. My gosh, he’s dumb. No wonder he’s done some male modeling. Lauren fills Brody in on the fact that she hasn’t spoken to Jen since “that evening,” and Brody actually apologizes. Here comes the truly disturbing portion of the conversation: Lauren says, “Why are you sorry? No, that wasn’t you at all. That was Jen.” Um yeah, I guess Jen teleported herself over to Brody’s condo that evening and made out with herself while Brody sat in the corner gazing at a picture of Lauren. WRONG! Why is he off the hook? This makes no sense at all, and I’m back to having no respect for Lauren and her idiotic ways. Oh here we go, it looks like it’s time for the birthday toast and Brody selects Spencer to give it. Obvious questions: Why is Brody selecting? Why on earth would he choose Spencer? I guess you can answer question #2 by referring to question #1. Spencer hops up to give the world’s most awkward birthday toast:

“I’m not very good at speeches, ‘cause Lo said I’m not very smart. But, I do know this: Heidi, the love of my life, loves Lauren more than anything in the world, so that makes Lauren an amazing person. We don’t see eye-to-eye, but they do, so at the end of the day, we all see eye-to-eye. Happy birthday, you’re amazing, cheers.”

Spencer is a big toaster.

So really, it was a toast to Heidi. He should have cut right to the last sentence and just said, “To Lauren…” Even better, he should have let Heidi make the toast. Better still, he should have stayed home tonight and kept Brody with him, but I guess you can’t win them all. Lauren recovers from her toast by curling up on Brody’s lap and going to sleep. Huh?

Okay, so this episode just keeps getting weirder because now Lauren and Brody are having lunch together as if nothing ever happened. They first talk about the party, and Lauren correctly points out how strange Spencer’s toast was. Brody says, “I thought it was pretty good, actually.” Of course you did, Brody. You probably also thought “Maui Fever” was pretty good, not to mention “The Princes of Malibu.” Well, now that we’ve covered Lauren’s birthday party, what else can we talk about? Hmm… this is awkward, it’s kind of quiet… I know! “So no Jen Bunney talk?” Brody! How has this boy lived to the age of 23 without setting himself on fire or wandering in front of a train? It never ceases to AMAZE me. And Lauren, she’s not much better. She launches into a speech about how Jen has always had trouble with girls and guys because she’ll make out with friends’ ex-boyfriends or people they like – in fact, she kissed Jason the same night he and Lauren first got together. Brody looks around innocently and says he wants to change the subject. Oh, now you want to change the subject? Lauren says it shouldn’t be awkward for Brody, implying that he was neither an ex-boyfriend, nor someone she liked. So what she’s doing is downplaying her feelings for Brody and emphasizing the principle of the matter. And that actually makes no sense because if Brody truly meant nothing to Lauren, he would be fair game and there would be no principle at stake, and she would still be friends with Jen. Lauren sums it all up by saying all would have been fine if Jen had just admitted what she had done with Brody. So it comes down to that? Jen didn’t tell Lauren the truth right away? And Brody is in the clear because he never lied about it? I don’t think so!

Ah, at long last we have the Final Confrontation that we have been seeing on the previews. Jen Bunney is marching down the halls of the Hillside Villas to talk this out with Lauren. Jen is so annoying! Even how she talks drives me crazy. She sits down on the couch and starts talking in this whispery voice about how Lauren has blown everything out of proportion.

"But Brody totally wanted me. Just like Jason."

• Lauren says of course Jen thinks it's blown out of proportion because it didn’t happen to her. True.
• Jen says that what Lauren doesn’t understand is that Jen never meant to hurt her.
• Lauren says she doesn’t think Jen thought about her at all, she was only thinking about herself. Again, true. Although, as I recall from past conversations, Jen asked Heidi repeatedly if it was okay for her to hook up with Brody and she even called Lauren from Brody’s condo to see if she could have her blessing. Yes, that was truly stupid, but it did show that Lauren at least crossed her mind.
• Lauren’s next big bullet point is that Brody was the first guy she had been able to have a crush on after Jason, and that was a big deal to her. “It had to be that guy.” Okay, so we’re back to the fact that Lauren did have feelings for Brody, and Jen swooped in anyway.
• Jen responds with a fairly reasonable argument: “I didn’t even know that Brody mattered.” Again, the fair game issue.
• Lauren yells, “Brody doesn’t matter! I’m not mad about Brody!” Really? But you just said he was the first guy you had a crush on after Jason and why did it have to be that guy? Lauren insists that the reason she’s upset is because Jen went behind her back and did something shady and then lied about it.

"I will NOT be made a fool... again!"

Yes, her arguments contradict each other and no, it doesn’t really make sense, but she’s mad and she’s staying mad. The thing is this: I don’t blame Lauren at all – I’d be really mad, too. But I’d also be mad at Brody, and that’s where she loses me. She can’t give Brody a pass and cast Jen out of her life forever just because Brody never got the chance to lie to Lauren’s face. They both did it, and it makes no sense to only blame Jen and still carry on with Brody like all is well. And that’s why her arguments are so contradictory. She’s convincing herself that she is justified in still liking Brody but tossing Jen aside forever – because Jen lied. Obviously, she’s really hurt by what happened; otherwise she would just forgive them both. I guess this is her way of showing she will not be walked on. She excommunicates a long-time friend and hangs on to the mentally challenged moron she just met. Thanks for representing the females again, Lauren! Jen whispers, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Lauren says she appreciates that, but it’s over. There’s nothing Jen can do or say anymore. Lauren then stands up, signaling to Jen that it’s time for her to leave. As she walks out the door Jen whispers, “So I’ll let you call me when you’re ready.” And Lauren just slams the door behind her. Well, I guess that’s how Lauren Conrad puts her foot down. The fury had to land somewhere, and she wasn’t going to jeopardize her future chances of getting some booty by letting it fall on Brody. So she thinks she took a stand, but really she just proved that guys can mistreat her seven days of the week and she’ll still hang around and figure out a way to justify them. I hate to say it, Lauren, but you deserve whatever Brody dishes out to you.

What do you have to say about Lauren’s choices?