Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The 11th Time HAS to Work! (The Bachelor)

The girls just learned that the Bachelor has a criminal history.

Beloved readers! May I just say that I am thrilled and honored to once again be recapping The Bachelor? Seriously, few other shows lend themselves so perfectly to the sarcastic criticism of a reality television blogger. The show is such a parody of itself by now that the recaps practically write themselves. The entire Bachelor process tickles me to my very core. Despite the absolutely pathetic track record this setup has for creating a successful relationship, girls line up season after season to embark on their own little fairy tale. And there’s always a guy willing to be fought over, isn’t there? It’s all so ridiculously fabulous that I just can’t wait to get started. Glad to have you with me!

So just as I am recovering from the devastating news of the completely unforeseen breakup of Mayo and Tessa, TMZ bursts my bubble again. Remember Charlie O’Connell-Jerry-O’Connell’s-brother? If not I don’t blame you, but he was the Bachelor several seasons back and has been touted ever since as one of the few to actually stay with the girl he chose on the show – Sarah, a nurse. Well brace yourself… they broke up. I know, I know, we all thought they would last. Nope. It’s so strange… I wonder how many roses have been passed around on this show, and how many limos have been involved. For that matter, how many kisses, tears, proposals, marriages? What’s that you say? You’re wondering too? Well ABC is going to tell us!

956 roses
620 limos
355 crying girls
19 crying little girls (oops I mean men)
167 hot tubs
35 million dollars in diamonds
719 kisses
2 gun toting dads
8 proposals
1 lucrative televised marriage
And 1 baby

Yes, after all that, THIS time it’s going to work. It is! IT IS! Do you know why? Because this time the Bachelor is Brad Womack. He’s a self made millionaire from Texas. He’s not an heir to the Firestone fortune, not an NFL player, not a phony prince of Italy, not even a triathlete. He’s just your average joe millionaire looking to get married. Luckily ABC has lined up the craziest bachelorettes ever to go on the most exciting dates in history to fight over the sexiest bachelor to grace our screens, but, as Chris Harrison warns, “In the end, only one woman will become Mrs. Brad Womack.” Only one? So we’re limiting our millionaire to one marriage only? But what if they grow apart? And even if there is only one marriage in store for our Brad, I’d bet lots of money we don’t meet her tonight. But there I go getting skeptical before we even get started. Let’s meet this guy, shall we?

"Why won't anyone love me?"

Brad Womack was born in Atlanta, Georgia with a silver spoon in his mouth that was quickly ripped out when his parents got divorced and his mother moved him and his two brothers into a double wide trailer in Texas. At the trailer park Brad learned that his options after high school were either college or the oil fields. He chose the oil fields. Why learn something when manual labor is knocking at your door? After 10 years in the blue collar world, Brad went into business with his smarter brothers who purchased some bars and let him in on the venture – that was nice of them. But after all of these adventures Brad has realized that he is so ready to find his soul mate and be the perfect husband. So ready that he hops right on an open seating Southwest flight to Los Angeles to see what ABC has in store for him – besides discount air travel.

After taking a gratuitous shower at his Malibu mansion Brad is ready for a sit-down with Chris Harrison, master of the obvious. True to form, Chris explains the premise of the show as if there is anyone on earth who doesn’t know, and then tells us that before we get more special time with The Bachelor we’re going to take a closer look at the dingbats competing for his attention.

"You see, there is one guy and 25 girls..."

This next montage is hardly worth mentioning, but it includes a bunch of girls doing crunches, jumping on beds, taking showers in full makeup, trying on dresses, and professing their devotion to the as-yet-unseen Bachelor. There is a lot of poofy hair and one HUGE set of fake ta-tas. They’re all talking about getting their claws out. Wow, Brad really has his work cut out for him. His soul mate is in there somewhere and he’s going to find her!

Aaaaaand here’s Brad in his limousine to tell us a little more about himself. More stories from the trailer park? No, just some “Aw, shucks,” about being called the sexiest Bachelor ever and some skirting of money issues because his brothers did it all – oh I mean because he wants to find a woman who doesn’t care about money of course. He’s ready to find a girl who will fit in with his family – shocking, and get ready for this… he has an identical twin brother! What? Oh those crazy ABC producers, what will they think of next? A twin brother? Really? Did he go to college? Hands off, ladies, he’s already married. Darn. Anyway, Brad is totally genuine in this, his search for a soul mate and he’s positive that he’ll propose at the end. Good thinking, Brad, deciding to propose before meeting anyone. His reasoning? He’s going into this with an open mind. Chris wishes him luck and chuckles to himself, like he’s watching yet another idiot jumping into an empty pool insisting there will be water by the time he lands.

"Sure buddy, it will be totally different for you."

Up next, we all know how this first episode goes. There’s no point in getting attached to anyone because there are way too many girls right now and a lot of them won’t make it past tonight. We spend the next 20 minutes or so watching each of them emerge from a limousine to show off their dresses and say something flattering to Brad, who just repeats, “How are YOU?” 25 times. No – more than that because he usually says it two or three times to each girl. Awkward. I’ll handle this with highlights.

  • Jenni is a Phoenix Suns dancer. Gee I wonder if she’ll stay. It could be a problem though because she’s not a porta-wife. You can’t be a Phoenix Suns dancer just anywhere and I’m pretty sure Brad’s bars are in Texas.
  • Kim, who is wearing a tie-dyed lampshade, comes out barefoot so she won’t be taller than Brad.
  • Jessica says, “You know they told me you were hot, but I didn’t know I’d need a fire extinguisher – woo!” I wonder how many hours she spent writing that out last night.
  • Rigina claims to be named Miss Brown Sugar – reminding Brad of his token quota.
  • Erin promises a story about breaking her face.
  • Tauni is a nurse – porta-wife! “I can be a nurse anywhere!”
  • DeAnna is wearing blatant black and white horizontal stripes that Clinton and Stacy would never approve of. She introduces herself in Greek. Nice touch.
  • There is a girl named McCarten. She claims it’s Irish, but it sounds more like milk you’d get in a Happy Meal.
  • Solisa is the girl with the huge fake rack. She also looks like she may have had some work done on her face. She’s 25 for crying out loud.
  • Hillary is another nurse – porta-wife! “I can be a nurse anywhere!”
  • Lori is a teacher – porta-wife! “I can teach anywhere!”

That’s it. The rest blend together to me, so let’s move inside to watch the girls pull out all the stops to make Brad remember them. But first, Chris tells Brad he has to give one girl the First Impression Rose so that we can have our first smug girl of the season. Brad walks in and I almost go deaf because all of the girls start screaming. Nothing says classy lady like screaming your head off when a guy walks by. This next part is a series of desperate attempts so I’m going to do another list of highlights:

"Who, me? Desperate?"

  • Kristy performs what she calls a “tongue diagnosis” on Brad. She is an acupuncturist and looks at least part Asian, so okay, I’ll play along. Brad sits there with his tongue hanging out and all Kristy comes up with is that he’s under some stress. Hang on while I check the yellow pages to find my neighborhood acupuncturist and make an appointment. They clearly work miracles!
"Let's see... you're also male."

  • Jenni shakes her booty in Brad’s face to drill it home that she is a professional cheerleader. Since Brad’s education ended in high school he still thinks that cheerleaders represent the highest social status and he gives her the First Impression Rose. Great, a smug cheerleader.
"Rah, rah, ree! The first rose is for me!"

  • Lindsey the tone-deaf model presents Brad with a yellow rose and then proceeds to butcher the “Yellow Rose of Texas” song.
Honey, you're a model. Your talent is walking.

  • Porta-wife Tauni gets a bit sloshed and decides to show Brad a “dance move” which is actually just her bending over for him to admire her butt cheeks. She even says, “Pow!” while shifting her weight from one cheek to the other. How does all that class fit into one room?
"I learned this at Juilliard."

  • Juli puts on some leggings and pulls both legs behind her head to show Brad that she would be dynamite in bed. I have no idea why anyone would think this is sexy. It looks like a sideshow.
Raise your hand if you find this attractive.

  • Melissa gets completely wasted and loses one of her boob cutlets. Then she sits down with Brad to slur out a string of nonsensical sentences that each contain two or three repetitions of the word “sweetness.”
  • Morgan takes off her shoes to show Brad that she has webbed toes on both feet. Sideshow #2 in The Bachelor’s three ring circus.
  • Mallory changes out of her gown and sacrifices hours of hair and makeup to slink around in the pool trying to convince Brad to take his pants off and join her. He doesn’t.

After the girls all put on matching costumes and perform a choreographed number in front of the pool while fireworks go off behind them (just kidding, y’all!), Brad steps inside with Chris Harrison to take stock of all the talent he got to see tonight. They just repeat everything we saw and Brad reaffirms that he is positive his future wife is here… but if he sends the wrong one home he will regret it for the rest of his life!

And now for the roses! This is the hardest thing Brad has ever had to do in his entire life, in case you were wondering. So besides the smug cheerleader, here are the gals who get roses:

To my absolute astonishment, none of the porta-wives got roses. This must be a Bachelor first! Not even porta-wife Tauni’s butt cheeks were enough to convince Brad. She wonders to the camera what she could have possibly done differently. Gee, I have no idea. Offering your rear end to a guy’s face usually does the trick. To no one’s astonishment, neither of the freak shows got roses. Neither did the tie-dyed lampshade. Several of the rejects cry and bawl because this is the first time a guy has ever turned them down. Just hang tight, girls. Everyone inside will also get rejected eventually. Even the girl who wins! Brad toasts to a grand adventure – like the ones he had in the oil fields. Cheers!

This season the girls are here looking for true love. Brad is looking for a girl who is athletic and sexy, so he is definitely completely different from any other Bachelor ever. Don’t worry because it looks like he’s going to wear the Tony Manero Saturday Night Fever suit like the other Bachelors, too.

Who's bringing sexy back?

Something special Brad is going to do is bring in his twin brother to see if the girls love him enough to tell the difference. Puh-lease. Even I can already tell and I’m sitting in the dark half-asleep. We have another ambulance this season when a girl collapses from dehydration on the stairs. Okay, so I was wrong about the dehydration last season, I better keep my mouth shut. Anyway, it’s going to be another horrific season of cat fights, bikinis, absurd elaborate dates and tears. Can’t wait to see who makes the biggest fool of herself (besides Brad) this season on The Bachelor!

Do tell me your thoughts!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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