The Women Tell... Not That Much

11 of 25 Women and we actually speak to 5.

Here we are at The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. I’m not really sure why they do this except to stretch the season out a little bit longer. Seriously, it should be called The Women Tell Nothing. It’s basically a bunch of replaying stuff we’ve already seen and then the women answering planted questions that no one cares about. There are a couple of new things tonight, and Chad is back, which is sure to be lame, so let’s see what happens, shall we?

The first thing I notice is that someone has spent an awfully long time making Bettina’s hair look nice. It usually looks so thin and fried, but tonight it actually looks soft and nice. Miracles do happen!

The ABC hair team deserves an Emmy nod.

Also, Hillary is continuing her habit of matching her eye shadow to her dress. The night of her hysterical fit it was white and tonight it’s purple. Who told her this is a good idea?

The ABC makeup team does not deserve an Emmy nod.

Chris begins by asking about the girls’ first impressions of Brad and of course, they thought he was amazing and Hillary thinks he’s hotter than David Beckham. Thumbs down, Hillary. David Beckham is phenomenally successful and has a British accent. There is just no contest.

Now we are treated to a montage of the girls talking crap behind each other’s backs and the main star of this scene is Hillary. She has a little something to say about everybody, including that McCarten (or McNasty as Hillary calls her) smells like a fish taco. What? That is so disgusting and random. A fish taco? Geez Hillary, don’t worry about acting dignified or anything. After the montage Jade says that she only had a problem with DeAnna and Milk Carton (thanks for the nickname, BlahBlah!), and Milk Carton claims that this is just because she and DeAnna were forward while the rest of the girls talked behind people’s backs. Oh yes, Milk Carton, it is so noble to be a giant biznatch right to people’s faces, good for you! Brad was so lucky to get to choose between all of you. Sarah wonders why everyone couldn’t just be friends, but of course, that is completely out of the question.

Next Hillary is confronted about calling Divorced Bettina a used car and her defense is that she was just being witty. First of all, that remark was so not original or witty, and secondly, I still say Hillary is going to have to eat those words someday because she is the type I can see getting married over and over again. Milk Carton thinks it would have been okay if only Hillary had said it directly to Bettina’s face. That’s enough from you, Milk Carton. Bettina just sits there looking a little lost, as usual.

"I just wish she would have called me a fish taco to my face."

Still sticking with Hillary and her matching eye shadow, Chris calls her up to come sit next to him while we relive her tormented exit. Chris credits the hysteria to Hillary’s strong emotions for Brad instead of the insanity it actually was, and Hillary says that when she falls it is genuine. Chris wants her to take us back to that night and tell us how she really felt. Uh, Chris? Hillary didn’t hide how she really felt, and we all saw it splattered all over our televisions screens. There’s nothing more to discover here.

"What was I actually feeling at that moment?"

Chris also wants to know how Hillary could be so dumb as to not pick up on all of Brad’s indications that they were just friends. Again Chris, she’s crazy. There is simply no more explanation. Chris suggests that Brad could have hired a sky writer to put “Hillary, we’re friends” in the sky and Hillary says, “They should have did that.” Okay, I’m done with Hillary.

Bettina is up next since she is the most recent reject and also, I’m sure, because of her controversial hometown date. First is a montage of her boring “journey” with Brad and then Chris asks her about the time when Sheena got diamond earrings and Bettina complained that her date with Brad was so boring. Oh that’s right – the unforgivable sin, daring to suggest that anything involving Brad wasn’t the highlight of her life. Bettina says she doesn’t know what to say about that and she was mostly just referring to the fact that some of the dates were so over the top. Seriously, that was such a stupid “scandal.” They were really digging to make such a big deal about that. Chris asks Bettina if she and Brad got a chance to patch things up in Cabo after her rocky hometown date and Bettina takes this opportunity to tell us how she feels about her hometown date now that all is said and done and she’s looking back on it.

"Now wait, is that me up there?"

First she says she’s surprised she got a rose at all after seeing the hometown date episode and then she says that watching the episode turned her off a little to Brad because of the defensive way he reacted to her family. Interesting! So now that she’s rejected she has an entirely different take on everything – well that’s understandable. I still stand by my original impulse to appreciate Bettina’s family for daring to have a less-than-perfect opinion of Brad, but of course, the other rejects get all wide-eyed and scandalized when Bettina says all this and the audience lets out a gasp. (Thanks, Mr. Cue-Card-Holder!) The producers even put a little picture-in-picture of Brad listening to Bettina saying this just in case he makes a face or something. Oh brother.

Brad tries not to be defensive.

Some girl in the audience gets up to ask the question that was handed to her on her way into the studio. She asks Hillary if she was upset watching Bettina’s hometown date since she wanted so badly for Brad to meet her family. Hillary very predictably says that her family would have been very welcoming and nonjudgmental. They would have only cared about Brad’s heart and personality. This from the girl who was worried that her dad wouldn’t be proud of her after being rejected by the Bachelor.

Some other girl gets up to ask another prearranged question and she asks Bettina if it was uncomfortable to be intimate with Brad knowing that he had overnight dates with two other girls as well. Bettina’s like, “Yes.” Well, that was illuminating! Bettina is excused.

Sheena, a crowd favorite, gets her turn in the hot seat. Her montage highlights the fact that she was able to quickly spot Chad as an intruder when he impersonated Brad. Chris wants to know what it felt like the moment Sheena was rejected. Well, Chris, it sucked. What else can she say? Stupid question. Wow, now Sheena gets a round of applause for pointing out that her fall down the stairs proved she is a real person. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – falling down the stairs on TV is the new ticket to celebrity. Just ask Whitney from “The Hills.”

"Come on, bro. This will be so funny... again!"

The producers have decided to take one final opportunity to pound the identical twin thing right into the ground – unless Chad comes out again at the Final Rose Ceremony just to be cruel. Chris introduces Brad and a clean-shaven Chad comes walking out, looking nothing like Brad and fooling only Lindsey, Sarah and Milk Carton. They don’t figure it out until Sheena says she’s not falling for that again. After reliving via a montage the grand switcheroo, Chad gushes all over about how absolutely wonderful Sheena is and kicks himself for already being married. Sheena kicks him too. Next Sarah, Lindsey and Milk Carton try to defend themselves for not being able to tell that Chad wasn’t Brad, but there is no real defense besides the fact that they are idiots.

At last it’s time for Brad to come out and stammer all over the place about why he did what he did. The audience screams bloody murder as he walks onto the stage. Apparently they are not going off of personality here. Brad tells us that being The Bachelor has been the best time of his life and I am just so happy for him. The girls have some questions, though, and Hillary is first. She wants to know why Brad couldn’t have been more blunt about just liking her as a friend. Oh Hillary, you know that he is given strict guidelines about what he is allowed to say, geez. He tried to tip you off, you just weren’t interested in hearing it. Brad says that he loves Hillary to death and he thinks the world of her, isn’t that just precious? Bettina has a question and she wants to know “why the heck” Brad gave her a rose after feeling so judged by her family. Brad says that for the record he thought Bettina’s family were very nice people (lies!), but it was about him and Bettina, not him and Bettina’s family. It took the overnight date in Cabo to figure out that he didn’t really know anything about Bettina. Huh?

Chris introduces yet another montage – this time of the girls all behaving wildly. Of course, Solisa the Christian is featured with her conflicting proclamations and behaviors, and also Hillary’s dirty little speech by the pool that we all need no reminder of. She giggles all through that, clearly thinking that this is endearing instead of revolting. Brad jokes that he wants to give Hillary one of the roses sitting on the table there. Still happy with your overnight choices there, big boy?

Brad rethinks the "friend card."

Chris admits that Brad can’t divulge the results of the Final Rose Ceremony, but wants to know if Brad is happy. Of course he is overjoyed. He has no regrets because he followed his heart and the audience cheers. Are we done here? Not yet. Chris tells us that he needs our help in selecting the next Bachelor. Ew, I don’t know anyone creepy enough to be willing to do it, do you? Some of the rejects from this season and former seasons appear to tell us what qualities the “perfect” Bachelor should have. A lot of these are the same clips from last season when they did this, but a couple of the girls from this season give their opinions. Hillary says he should have nice hands and big feet. Yes, crucial. Bettina says he should be hot and well educated and I almost fall onto the floor laughing. Color me entertained. Way to get the last word, Bettina!

Finally Chris wants us to take a closer look at Jenni and DeAnna, the final two women. I’d rather not. I’ve been carefully inspecting them over the last few weeks and I’m sure we’ll see montage after montage of both of them next week as Brad makes his big bad final decision. Each reject says whom she thinks Brad will choose and it is pretty much split down the middle. We’ll find out soon enough!

Next week the girls meet Brad’s family who I’m sure will have no helpful advice, and then Brad shops for a ring. It’s almost here!

So what did you think about The Women Tell Nothing?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta