The Bachelor: Hollywood Edition

"It's a royal bloody red cah-pet!"

It’s another romance and suspense filled episode of The Bachelor! This week Matt dabbles in show business, the girls showcase their athletic ability, and Shayne ponders the origins of the universe. The girls are starting to get possessive and Matt is starting to get generous with his lips. The dates are super special, but there is only one future Mrs. Grant. Let’s get one step closer to discovering who she won’t be. Cheerio!

We begin once again with the Bearer of All News, Chris Harrison. He greets the girls (who seem to be wearing a lot of purple) and tells them that this week there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. There will be roses up for grabs on each date, so if a gal goes on a one-on-one and doesn’t get a rose, it’s Sayounara. The maybe-lucky one-on-one girls must go on their dates with bags packed.

Time out for a Shayne moment: Shayne appears in costume before the camera to tell us that if she goes on a one-on-one date and doesn’t get a rose, can you imagine? She will DIE. And please disregard the fact that she is an actress. It’s just her job.

Strike it.

Date Box #1 is in da house and this one is for Holly – the not-nervous children’s author from Ohio. The Date Box looks like a film canister and Holly learns that she will be joining Matt at a “private premiere” of Columbia Pictures’ Made of Honor. A) Nice plug, Columbia Pictures. B) Private Premiere? I’m betting this is going to be one of those classic Bachelor pseudo-events, where they show up at some big thing and end up being the only ones there. Holly tells us that she is confident in the chemistry that she has with Matt, but not confident in getting a rose. She drags her packed suitcase down the stairs wearing some sort of animal print wrap. Matt tells us that he’s really excited about the “preh-MEE-uh” because it’s massive and you don’t get to live the life of a Hollywood star every day. Can you imagine if he were taking Shayne on this date? We’d never hear the end of how she’s done this a million times and it’s just another day in her life. But please don’t focus on the fact that she’s an actress.

Matt and Holly pull up in a limo in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard, where there is a red carpet set up and several production assistants puttering around with cameras waiting to take their picture. Holly calls them paparazzi, but I think not. Even if they were, they’d quickly leave upon seeing who emerges from the limo. Speaking of which, Matt is wearing a fabulous purple suit, and that reminds me of the fabulous purple sweater he wore last week. Maybe that explains the ladies wearing so much purple when Chris Harrison showed up this morning. Matt may have a fabulous purple fetish. He gives Holly a little kiss for the cameras and then they “do” the red carpet, followed by making handprints in cement for Holly to take home as a souvenir. There’s no way those handprints are going in the ground in front of the Chinese Theater.

Alert the media!

The “paparazzi” ask them stupid questions like, “Is this your first premiere?” and “What do you think of American women?” Then Holly gets, “What made you fall for this guy?” and she tells about Matt being the most charming man she’s ever met on television. Now on to the movie. I was right, there’s no one there. This is not, in fact, the Made of Honor premiere, this is just an empty theater for The Bachelor.

Next we have a giant commercial for Made of Honor as we see clip after clip, with Holly telling us she cried during the movie, but Matt comforted her. He comforted her? Over a Patrick Dempsey movie? Good move, Holly. Once again Matt has gained entry into a penthouse suite at a Hollywood hotel – this time the Roosevelt. He takes Holly out onto the terrace where there is a little bar set up for them and a view of the city. Matt sits Holly down and wants to know about her children’s books. Turns out that Holly used to babysit and she wrote a book for her former charges. That’s simply precious.

Back home at the mansion, Miss Earth New York has donned more Hindu jewelry and goes outside to collect Date Box #2.

"Aum Asato mā sad gamaya."
(Translation: From ignorance, lead me to truth.)
or
From anonymity, lead me to fame.

I’m getting serious migrainal flashbacks of Mayo as the card reads “It’s time to get down and dirty. Please join me for a game of football – British style.” Please! Anything but down and dirty! Kristine, Amanda, Chelsea, Erin, Noelle, Robin, Marshana, Kelly, Leelee and Amy are the rugby participants. And that means… SHAYNE. Shayne gets the other one-on-one date and I swear she practically thanks the academy. This girl is killing me. She tells us smugly that Matt chose her for the one-on-one date because she told him that if he wants to get to know her, he has to get to know her. And that last sentence tells you everything you need to know about Shayne.

And over at the Roosevelt Hotel Matt is getting to Decision Time. He asks Holly what she’s thinking and Holly says that Matt is everything she’s ever wanted – plus he’s funny. Then Matt worries that they might be too comfortable with each other, meaning there may not be enough “electricity.” This is Holly’s cue to straddle him, shove her tongue down his throat, and ask if he’s “shocked.” Instead, she verbally rationalizes the pros and cons of being comfortable with someone. Oh Holly, you just signed your death warrant.

Must we? Really must we? Yes, it seems we must give Shayne another moment. The doorbell rings at the mansion so she tears out to retrieve her Date Box, but instead finds a delivery waiting at the door for Holly. It’s her panel of cement with her and Matt’s handprints in it. It was really nice of Show Business to sacrifice putting that special slab into the ground at the Chinese Theater and let Holly have it. What did I tell you? Anyway, Shayne is plenty miffed because it says Matt + Holly and other stupid crap.

I hear they let Marilyn Monroe take hers home too.

Speaking of Holly, she’s in the middle of getting the world’s biggest second chance because it’s rooftop hot tub time. Matt tells her he had a really good time with her and leans in for a kiss. They peck a couple of times and he breaks out the rose, which leads to a full-on snog. I guess Holly’s still in this.

"Comfortable now, big boy?"

The next day is the big rugby match! Matt is excited to teach these girls about a sport they’ve probably never even heard of. Uh, Matt? They’re from America, not Afghanistan. They’ve heard of rugby. We even have it here. Matt’s excited to see which girl puts in the most effort to understand a sport that’s really important to him. And there it is, ladies and gentlemen – the classic Bachelor attitude. Which girl can best worship ME? Rugby begins with a warm-up session led by Jacks, a pudgy little English lady. Man, I need to move to England. I could be a star athlete, and maybe even a supermodel. As the girls do their warm-up exercises, we are treated to the elegant sight of Chelsea picking a wedgy while Matt explains how glad he is to be with hot girls instead of hairy men. Right.

Bloomin' English rose.

Leelee runs around baring her midriff and Pouting Robin proves to be a quick rugby study, which Matt, of course, finds extremely hot. Excellent for someone who’s never even heard of the sport.

Back home Holly and Shayne are busy discussing how glad they are to not be playing rugby, then Shayne goes into a tizzy because – oh my heck – she needs to tan sooooo bad. That’s when Holly lowers the boom. She. Has. A. Spray. Tanner. Shayne starts screaming and jumping around in circles because apparently this is the best news she’s had since that Head & Shoulders callback. Imagine! With Holly’s spray tanner Shayne has nothing on earth to worry about. That rose is as good as hers. All hail the spray tanner! Shayne strips down to a bikini top while Holly inexplicably agrees to stand there next to the bathtub and spray her down with orange paint. This is getting downright humiliating.

SOMEONE PLEASE!!!

And over on the rugby field Matt picks Kelly and Marshana to be team captains and then choosing teams ensues. Leelee’s bare midriff apparently didn’t impress Kelly or Marshana because she is the pathetic last choice. I’m sure that has nothing to do with last week’s Grand Rose Gloat. The next part is pretty uninteresting as the girls make an attempt at playing rugby, until… Marshana falls to the ground covering her face. I’m sensing a pity rose coming on. The girls continue to play until they realize that Matt has taken himself out of the game to sit next to Marshana and her split lip. Wear some chapstick, Marshana, this is RUGBY!

"While you're down there, love..."

Of course, Matt is smitten with the fact that Marshana would put herself in harm’s way in the name of his favorite sport (particularly when she’s never even heard of it) and he makes everyone give her a round of applause. Then he announces that everyone is coming back to “his” – so English! – for a post-rugby party. What, no ambulance?

Upon arrival at the Bachelor pad, the girls begin to swoon over Matt’s luxurious living situation. Reminder, ladies: this is not where Matt actually lives. Just like YOU don’t actually live at Pathetic Mansion. Same thing. Pouting Robin is all hot and bothered to see the bed where Matt sleeps, oh please. Everyone starts drinking, then Matt announces that there will be massages for everyone! Right after they change into their bikinis. Matt invites Kelly, as captain of the winning rugby team, to join him first for a massage. She keeps thanking him for this lovely service as if he arranged it. Then as her massage is starting, she announces, “I like it really hard.” Oh no she di-int! That’s filthy, Kelly. Kelly then proceeds to shoo away the masseuse and do Matt’s back herself, including squatting on top of him to crunch his back with her feet. Just as long as you don’t seem too desperate, Kelly.

Not hard at all.

Later the girls have changed into dresses and the rose has appeared to taunt them on the table. Pouting Robin pulls Matt outside to make sure he has her in the forefront of his mind. Matt bites and invites her to enter the hot tub. While they snog, the other girls get a massage report from Kelly and worry that she’ll be the one to get the rose. Amanda is next for alone-time with Matt. Being very concerned that she hasn’t had much of a chance for deep conversation with the Bachelor, she promptly asks him if he likes music. Yawn. Before he can elaborate on the innermost thoughts of his musical soul, Kristine and Noelle crash the little convo and a big awkward silence follows.

It looks like it’s finally time for Shayne to receive her Date Box in all of her Oompah Loompah glory. It’s a little wooden box with wine in it and a note that says, “Romance awaits.” Poor Holly is all jealous and what not, but there’s no time for that – this is Shayne’s time to shine brightly and orangely.

And Matt decides it’s time to bestow the rose. He sits everyone down, tells them this has been his favorite date (as always), and gives the rose to Pouting Robin for being amazing on the rugby field and in the hot tub. Oh puke. The other girls are predictably not pleased.

Brace yourselves, everyone, because for the next little while we must concentrate our full attention on that one most wanting and least deserving of it… Shayne. Forget she’s an actress. She descends the staircase in a black ruffly dress and big white boots to set off with Matt to go wine tasting. Do we really need to put ourselves through this? We know she’s getting a rose because Matt “fancies the pants off her.” As Gnomecorp pointed out, Matt thinks that Shayne is out of his league so she’ll be around until the end. Guys are just so transparent. Once I saw an ad in a community newspaper in Los Angeles for a class – specifically for men – called “Dating out of Your League.” This is tragic since men really shouldn’t go there, but also hilarious because they go there anyway – class or no class. It’s like offering a class on how to breathe. As if they can be stopped. At least I got a good laugh for about two hours after spotting that one.

Okay, back to what we must endure. Matt takes Shayne to a wine estate to taste some wine. Shayne is totally excited – she’s never done a wine tasting even though she loves wine – and has been legally allowed to drink it for an entire year!

"It's not about my acting!"

When they arrive Shayne has a hard time keeping her balance walking on the cobblestone in her ultra high heeled boots. Matt gives us his lip service about being concerned over her tantrums and drama – blah, blah, blah, why even bother? As they sit down for a chat, Matt tells Shayne he’s really intrigued to find out about her parents. Shayne gets this huge smile on her face and prepares to brush it all off as unimportant. It goes something like this: “You wouldn’t even know who my dad is anyway, even if I told you, so there’s no point in telling you. You won’t care, you don’t know him, so I’m not going to tell you. I won’t tell you okay? His name is Lorenzo Lamas and he was in a show called Renegade. See? You don’t know. He’s well known in America. Everyone knows him here. He’s really famous. He’s my dad. He’s just my dad and he’s really famous, I don’t want to talk about it.” I’m so glad we got to skip the famous dad thing, Shayne. Shayne shares that she grew up in broken homes and has been on her own since the age of 17. She’s not sure that she’s ready to get married, but she’s ready to find the right guy. Matt on the other hand, is ready to get married – yesterday. Remember, he has an old dad. Matt tells us that he’s really worried that Shayne is only 22 and an actress, but she may prove him wrong. Here’s a tip, Matt. The only thing Shayne can prove you wrong about is your theory that you have to go outside to get tan. But alas, Matt is determined to see more than just the blonde airhead in front of him.

"See? When I do this I can almost smell my hair."

In an attempt to have Shayne prove him wrong, Matt asks her if she’s high maintenance and she says YES. She is high maintenance. Does this dissuade him? Does this contribute to the high-drama, sex-kitten theory? Why no – of course not! It proves what a shining star Shayne is for being honest when questioned about herself. Gosh, what a gal. Here are Shayne’s top five priorities: cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses and watches. Other than that, nothing really matters. Matt swoons. She IS deep and thoughtful. She really DOES know what matters in life. He taunts her a little, saying the rose is still on the table, and Shayne tells us that she forgot all about the rose until she “soll” it sitting on the table. I’m here to promise that saying “soll” instead of “saw” is NOT an L.A. thing. Or a blonde thing. PS – we learned an alarming fact about Matt in the preceding scene: he owns 400 pairs of shoes.

The rest of our lovely ladies are doing the only thing they are allowed to do for the duration of filming – sitting around talking about the Bachelor. Pouting Robin reports that Matt has begged her to stick with him, even though this is hard, and that he’s been brutally honest with her. All this is causing Amanda to “meep,” which is the obnoxious sound that her nervous hiccups make.

Meanwhile Matt leads Shayne over to a pile of pillows and blankets in front of a fireplace where they can talk more fashion and eat dessert. Shayne flops right into Matt’s lap and starts warning him again about what a huge risk this is for her, but she’s doing it all for him. Matt says that even though he’s hard on her, there is something about her he loves. Hard on her? Was that the part where he high-fived her for being high maintenance, or where he congratulated her on being completely materialistic? They kiss and now Matt does this really clever little trick where he brings the rose over but doesn’t let Shayne see it and then he gushes all over about how wonderful and beautiful she is, then produces the rose, seemingly out of thin air. Poor Shayne’s little head is spinning and she comes this close to pouring her champagne all over herself. But she thought the rose was over on the table! Are we done here yet?

It’s Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time! Matt enters to deafening screams and the girls start taking turns greeting him with cheek kisses. Chelsea gets the first alone time and she tells Matt that she thinks about him 24/7. Matt admits that he thinks about Chelsea too, and then she practically dive bombs him and sucks his face off. After that Matt says, “You rock.” Indeed.

Elsewhere Pouting Robin and Noelle are having a heart to heart and Noelle confesses that Matt hasn’t demonstrated that he is even a little bit interested in getting to know her. Pouting Robin, in all of her wisdom, advises Noelle to reject the rose if it is offered to her tonight. I’m sure that had absolutely no selfish motivation whatsoever.

Did her face freeze into this expression?

Then she gets up and walks over to Matt, who is in the middle of a conversation about camping with Amy. As much as I’m not a fan of Robin, I’m even less of a fan of camping, so let’s see what she’s got. The other girls are really irritated because Pouting Robin already has a rose! Good point. That is really snotty of her to go and interrupt when she’s already secure for one more round. Of course, she justifies it with the fact that this is a competition and she’ll do whatever it takes… true love at its finest. But just as Matt and Robin get going on saying how much they missed each other yesterday, Kelly, Amy and Shayne come marching up arm in arm to take back the Bachelor! Matt is a little taken aback, but reminds Pouting Robin that she has a rose and goes inside with the girls. Robin keeps on yelling at us and the other girls that this is a competition and she’s going to fight to win. “This is marriage!” Yes, she says that.

"Red rover, red rover, send Matty right over!"

Holly, decked out in another fake animal skin, pulls Matt outside and tearfully tells us that she can’t stand watching the person she cares about interacting with other girls. They gaze at their little slab of cement again and Holly tells Matt how hard this is and he tells her that he missed her. Wow, Matt’s sure doing a lot of missing while he’s out on all of these “brilliant” dates. I don’t know how much I should believe of what he says. Then he and Holly kiss some more. Missing and kissing – those are Matt’s specialties.

Chris taps his way into the party and takes Matt and his purple shirt away to deliberate on rose distribution. Matt confesses that tonight is the first time he’s realized that there are other people’s feelings on the line. Well congratulations to Matt for being light years ahead of most guys who never realize that. And now… Nine roses, 12 women. Whose dreams of marrying an English gentleman end tonight? Matt tells the girls he’s in a “right pickle” and this isn’t easy. Holly, Robin and Shayne already have roses and here come the rest: Amanda, Leelee, Kelly, Chelsea, Noelle (who doesn’t refuse), ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready… Marshana.

Erin doesn’t really know what to say, she supposes she just isn’t Matt’s type. She’s disappointed, but it’s back to her hot dogs. She shouldn’t feel too bad because for me it really is a toss up between hot dogs and true love. Amy says she thinks Matt blew it and she’s bummed that he didn’t get to know her. Kristine is in tears and says it was too hard for her to open up and take down her wall. Then she fluffs her hair and goes on her way. Cheers to the remainders!

Off with their heads.

Next week brings a tea party where Pouting Robin antagonizes all the girls again and then bawls that she’s alone. Amanda gets a one-on-one at an amusement park and Marshana and Holly battle it out in a two-on-one. Who will be chosen? During the credits Chelsea and Holly rifle through all of Shayne’s shoes, mocking the excess. If only they knew Matt’s little secret.

So! How did you like tonight’s episode? Is this going to end up in an Annoying Battle, like Shayne vs. Robin? What do you think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta