Everyone Shuffles Back to The Hills of Los Angeles

Madame Tussade's Wax Museum makes the impossible possible, it's no wonder they are New York's most famous tourist attraction

My apologies for the overdue post on last week’s The Hills, but in my defense, it is so uninspiring to write about the nothingness that ensues minute after minute. Alas, let’s explore the downward spiral of back-to-back episodes of The Hills.

In a nutshell – Whitney is over being an intern after 2 years and gets a job with someone who resembles simultaneously a nightmare and Sarah Gilbert. Lauren returns from her entire week long trip to Paris and parties with the welcome wagon at…wait for it…Le Duex! Oh Lauren, you are so unpredictable. I wonder what happened to Area? As of last September they wouldn’t let Andy Dick in and HG and I were forced to “spend time with him” at Republic across the street. Maybe Area caved to the leviathan among celebrity that is Andy Dick and let him in, the word got out and now Area is the genital warts of nightclubs, like its owner. Who knows?! I side track. Heidi and Spencer continue their charade of separating, at least physically. In America’s heart, they will always remain Speidi. Spencer packs up his stuff and moves to his sister’s apartment while Heidi develops an affinity for shades of lip gloss from the 80s.

Speidi will survive even a nuclear attack

By the way, I looked into eye enlargements, and found out its not actually possible to have that operation. So now I am convinced that Heidi got a face reduction, which just make is seem like her eyes are larger than normal and slightly alien like.

OK, let’s get to it. Whitney has learned all that she can from sitting in the Teen Vogue closet and asking leading questions of Lauren about her weekend for 2 years, and its time for her to move on to styling! Of course Lauren and Whitney are beside themselves with emotion that they won’t be sitting in the closet together anymore. Could this be the end of The Hills? It’s quite the risky move for MTV to remove the conversation driver when Lauren has proved to be so tacit with her words and emotions. I suppose we’ll just have to interpret her “emotions” and thoughts via her facial expressions. And they are so varied! (See examples from last post) The racket continues about the tragedy of their permanent parting, then they agree to meet up later that afternoon.

Dear Whitney: Please don't go. I'll never be able to interpret this.

Whitney gets a job with Kelly Cutrone in a position/industry I’m not sure I understand. They’re boutique and apparently very, VERY busy shuffling some other designers’ clothes. Ms. Cutrone informs her that she will have to give up her life for this job (to shuffle clothes), and that they usually stop work at about 3am (still, just shuffling clothes), so get ready Whitney for the glamorous life.

Glamour personified

Lauren embarks on her reunion tour back from Paris at Le Duex and runs into Brody, who she snipes at quickly for having an imaginary girlfriend. He yells, she yells, he runs away like a five year old, and Frankie reminds everyone how much they love each other.

The next day Lauren speculates about what happened at Le Duex over lunch with Lo – hey! Quit staring at her, just cause she’s a celebrity, she still has a right to her privacy – gawd!

Let’s see, what else happened. Spencer moved out, and gave a hearty thumbs-up to Heidi on her genius choice to make him leave and says “enjoy your space.” That’s mature. And clearly respectful of her wishes.

I think I got it all. In the second half hour episode, Spencer’s sister Stephanie happened to be in the same class at FIDM as Lauren, and neither of them were aware of this kismet meeting despite a cackle of camera crews in the classroom. For some strange reason they decide to enjoy each other’s company (perhaps the strange reason is that it was written in the script) so they hang out and become friends despite Stephanie’s choice to dress like Pocahontas.

"Let the white man's country be my country, and his kindred my kindred"

Next week Spencer yells at Stephanie: "You’re making yourself cry!"
Riveting.