The Bachelorette: Operation Desert Soul Search

DeAnna begins to feel trapped...

Well beloved readers, it’s getting down to the wire. This season of The Bachelorette seems to have flown by because after tonight we are down to the final four! But first we have to make a visit to Palm Springs because DeAnna needs a little desert air to figure out exactly which way her heart is leading her. Let’s take a look.

So Chris once again perches on the Bunkhouse pool table to tell the guys the way things are going to be. He tells them that things are getting super-dooper serious now because this next round will determine who gets to bring DeAnna home to meet their families. In fact, things are so amazingly, frighteningly serious that there will be no more roses given out on dates. Nope. They have to sweat it out until the Rose Ceremony to find out how they fare. For now, they need to back up their bags, because DeAnna is taking everyone to Palm Springs! Woooo, high fives all around. They are going to stay in Palm Springs for an entire week so that DeAnna can really do some soul searching and figure out who she will accompany to their hometowns.

How lucky are we?

The gang arrives at the pretentious-enough-to-have-its-own-reality-show hotel, the glorious Parker. Did you see that episode where some weird guy kept having the bell boy deliver him gallons and gallons of ice while he hid under the covers? Then he slid a Ben Franklin under his door as thanks. Yup, that’s the kind of class you get at an exclusive institution like The Parker. The Riddler says that DeAnna really knows how to pick places to take them and that he would be scared to take her on a regular old movie date after all of this finery. Oh, Riddler. DeAnna doesn’t plan any of this – she is a participant just like you are, so relax.

"It's even better than it looked
when I booked it on hotels.com!"

Some fancy birdhouse-looking thing knocks at the door and it is a Date Box. The Riddler reads the note, which says, “Sean, let’s take our relationship to new heights. Love, DeAnna.” I’ll pause here to relate that in watching “DeAnna Tells All,” I learned that Sean is a bit insane. He is extraordinarily materialistic – he won’t purchase any item of clothing that is not designer, and he owns a huge house not because he needs it, but because he wants to look cool. Also, he lives one street away from his parents, to whom he speaks four or five times daily. With being so focused on his appearance and how others perceive him, I can’t believe he was honestly going around with a mullet at the beginning of this. Clueless, much? And as I mentioned once before, I’ve dated the guy who talks to his parents five times a day – it’s not so charming. Anyway, Sean and DeAnna take a tram to the very top of a mountain to have dinner. It turns out that DeAnna is scared of heights so she almost wets her pants as the tram bounces its way up. Sean takes this as an opportunity to be a brave hero.

"Never fear, little lady.
I'll karate chop you out of this in a jiffy."

DeAnna tells us that they will be having dinner, and if Sean coddles her enough, she will invite him to her suite for dessert as well.

Over dinner Sean goes on and on about what a risk taker he is for being here and how much he is putting himself on the line. He also really wants her to meet his family. DeAnna discovers that they really have a ton in common, like they both like their families, they’re both from Kentucky, and they both want to be around DeAnna. What are the odds? Apparently this is enough for DeAnna because she decides to invite Sean back to her suite for dessert. He’s stoked and tells us he’s ready to make a move. Great, another move. (Remember Robert’s last week? Ugh.)

Back at the fabulous Parker, the other guys are receiving Date Box #2. It seems that Twilley and Jeremy are the only two here who haven’t had one-on-one dates yet. I thought Jeremy had, but I guess that’s just all the one-on-one time he keeps snatching up. So this will be telling – who will get the final one-on-one date? Jeremy reads the card and it’s addressed to: The Riddler, Jason, Graham and Twilley. So Jeremy gets the one-on-one! Twilley whines that DeAnna keeps throwing him curve balls. I guess by keeping him every week? That’s a curve ball for everyone Twilley. Makes no sense at all. The note says, “I’m looking for a man who can get down and dirty and have some fun in the sun.” Is “down and dirty” a required phrase on this series? It comes up every freaking season.

And over at the suite dessert, DeAnna wonders what it would be like to see Sean’s hometown. He talks about living near his parents and DeAnna tells us that if she had a rose to give out tonight Sean would get it. Sean tells DeAnna that she is the missing piece in the jigsaw puzzle of his life. That’s so deep. They go for a snuggle in a hammock and Sean reminds DeAnna of how difficult this process has been for him. Uh oh, Sean. Don’t you remember where complaining got everyone last week? Do we really need another tearful tantrum? I guess DeAnna lets it pass because they kiss. Twice. And both times Sean licks his lips on the way in. Eeeewww. Why, why, why? So gross. Sean tells us he could be the one to give DeAnna a proposal at the end of all this… if she’s lucky.

"There's some chocolate on your face. I'll get it."

The next morning DeAnna joins the guys over breakfast to NOT tell them what they’ll be doing on today’s group adventure. A helicopter circles then lands nearby and The Riddler is like a kid on Christmas morning. But then DeAnna hands him a big lump of coal by saying that she and Twilley will be on the first helicopter and the rest of them will follow in another one. Aw, too bad, Riddler. Twilley struggles moderately getting the helicopter door open, but they make it in and we learn that Twilley is prone to motion sickness and he’s kind of having a hard time – trying to breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth while DeAnna frets that her precious little lap might get puked on.

"I pick you for the helicopter ride
and this is how you repay me?"

Upon landing Twilley is very anxious to get out of the helicopter and into the fresh air to settle his stomach, but alas, he can not get the door open to save his life. After fidgeting with it for a while he finally gets it open and they join the rest of the crew out in the desert somewhere. They’re going four wheeling! There are a bunch of ATVs waiting for them and DeAnna hops onto hers and takes off leaving everyone in the dust, which of course the guys find so amazingly sexy. I swear what guys really want is another guy, but with boobs. Anyway The Riddler is popping wheelies, doing donuts, showing off to the point of falling off of his four-wheeler, but at least he was “cutting loose” as DeAnna puts it.

"This snow isn't cold."

And over at the glamorous Parker Jeremy receives his Date Box, which is just a note that says, “Jeremy, let’s take a step back in time with Old Blue Eyes. Love, DeAnna.” Jeremy doesn’t really care what that means, he just hopes DeAnna will open up to him tonight. Okay, so maybe this one actually IS looking for a girl – or is one himself.

Back in the desert DeAnna tells us about how each guy did on the four wheelers and it pretty much mirrors their personalities. Twilley was off in his own world by himself the whole time, Jason just rode along in a straight line, and The Riddler was all over the place doing daredevil tricks and stunts. No word on Graham, but my guess is that his ATV riding was boyishly cute, but not very smart or interesting. Next everyone heads back to the hotel for a pool party. DeAnna pulls Jason aside and asks what it would be like if she were to accompany him to Seattle. Jason tells her that she would meet his parents and Ty. He thinks that she and Ty will have a lot of fun together. This is starting to make me nervous. The whole child issue is such a big deal. Actually, I’ll save that speech for the future – if and when we meet Ty. As Jason gives a speech of his own about learning from his mother how to love and show love (gag), The Riddler saunters in and takes DeAnna away. They head for a little table and DeAnna tells us that she really wants The Riddler to kiss her. They sit down and hold hands and coo at each other, but alas, there is no kiss. DeAnna DeNial #2!

"Did my hair get flat?"

The other guys are sitting around grumbling about being interrupted during private time with DeAnna and Jason says that this is the first time he’s been really annoyed about being interrupted. Call the wambulance. In the middle of complaining about interruptions, Graham decides to go and interrupt DeAnna and The Riddler. Snap! I think The Riddler is really nervous because he looks like he wants to kiss DeAnna, but then he just keeps talking really fast about just wanting her to be happy, even if it’s not him she chooses. DeAnna is beyond shocked that The Riddler can resist her. But here is Graham to sweep her away into his awkward presence.

Now Jason and Twilley switch grumbling topics from interruptions to Graham. They conclude that DeAnna doesn’t find it necessary to know that she could marry Graham, she just has a super-secret connection with him that she doesn’t have with anyone else. I agree, and again, I don’t really get it. Graham hasn’t shown much personality, and to me personality is everything. DeAnna and Graham snuggle on the hammock and Graham says that it would be fun to take DeAnna home because he would have his entire family cheering for him. DeAnna politely listens through the talk until she can get to kissing him. And after they finally kiss for a while she hugs everyone goodbye and tells us this has been a fabulous day, but it’s time to get ready for tonight’s date with Jeremy!

DeAnna picks Jeremy up in a vintage convertible and there is all this secrecy about where they are headed. As they cruise through Palm Springs we hear a lot of big band music and Jeremy gives a soliloquy about the importance of tonight because it’s leading into the hometown dates. They end up at Frank Sinatra’s house, which looks beyond cool. It’s all old fashioned glamour and there is a huge pool in the backyard and an original recording studio in the living room. They take this opportunity to do some old fashioned karaoke, meaning they play a record on a turntable and sing into an old silver microphone while reading lyrics off a sheet of paper. Turns out, DeAnna and Jeremy are both HORRIBLE singers. They butcher “The Way You Look Tonight,” and then twirl around by the pool kissing from time to time. It all seems very choreographed.

Season's Greetings from Jeremy and DeAnna

Over dinner Jeremy tells DeAnna that there isn’t anything about her he doesn’t like. Ah, echoing the immortal words of Brad Womack, are we? He tells us that he thinks he’s falling in love with DeAnna because he wants to be with her all the time. DeAnna tells us that when she’s with Jeremy she feels very loved. Well, that should do the trick, then. They get in the pool and make out. DeAnna says that Jeremy is the perfect guy and she can DEFINITELY see herself falling in love with him.

It’s Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time! But wait, what’s this? The guys pile into the Mansion of Desperation ready to get tipsy and there is no DeAnna to be found. Is this a sign? A joke? A scavenger hunt? Did DeAnna give up and go home?

"Let's fan out and check the corners..."

Nah, she’s just in the portrait room mulling things over. She tells us that she already has her mind made up about who will get the roses and go on the hometown dates, so she’s not going to make the guys suffer through a cocktail party this time. Chris Harrison walks in and tells the guys there will be no party and therefore no tapping of the champagne glass tonight. Instead they need to line up right know for the rose distribution. Great, let’s do it. Here’s DeAnna reminding us all that she knows what it feels like to be rejected and she’s trying not to lead anyone on because some horrible person did that to her once. Here are the roses: Jeremy, Jason, Graham (shocker!), and The Riddler. Hmm. That means that we are finally rid of Twilley, thank goodness, and lip-licker former-mullet Sean is going back to his mom and dad.

Sean says that DeAnna is the type of woman he can imagine proposing to (how about marrying?), and that he learned a big lesson here about taking risks. Twilley says he opened up as much as he could – yes we all saw that, Twilley – but just because you open up to a girl doesn’t mean she’ll fall in love with you. So true. In fact, Twilley may do better NOT opening up. He says he knows he has a unique personality, but that someday he’ll make someone a wonderful husband.

Buh-bye.

Next week are the hometown dates! I’m so curious to see how things go with Jason’s little boy. Also, it looks like we have another breakdown from DeAnna after the Rose Ceremony. Was someone not sad enough when he left? See you then!

Well, we’re finally rid of Twilley. What do you think of this final four? I think The Riddler is the dark horse here – I really didn’t see him getting this far. Tell me your thoughts!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta