The Bachelorette: Special PMS Episode

"I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown..."

Here we are, beloved readers, down to nine eligible bachelors on this, the fourth incarnation of The Bachelorette. It’s more and more interesting to me each week to note the differences between how guys act when competing for a girl versus how girls act when competing for a guy. I’m gathering that guys basically check out in the hopes of saving themselves some embarrassment. Lucky DeAnna. Join me, won’t you?

Chris joins the guys in the bunkhouse to remind them that there are only nine of them left dating DeAnna. He then explains that this week Fred, Chef Robert and Jason will be staying in the Mansion of Desperation. Also there will be a group date, a one-on-one date and a special two-on-one date where DeAnna keeps one and sends the other one home. As for deciding who will go on the one-on-one date, the guys will now participate in a song writing competition. Oh geez. Why? Oh well, I guess I should be glad she’s not making them sell a house since that’s such a big part of who she is.

"Are you all jealous of my fabulous white jeans?"

The only guy excited about the song writing contest is Brian. He says that he loves writing verse, so this is a fabulous opportunity for him – the high school football coach. Graham is writing so fast that there is smoke coming out of his pen. Chris sets up a microphone because I guess the bunkhouse is very large and cavernous and there is no way DeAnna would be able to hear each masterpiece without one. And speaking of our fair maiden, here she comes in a mini skirt all ready to judge the competition. The guys take turns doing their songs and this is even making ME uncomfortable. I don’t know how DeAnna isn’t constantly squirming and embarrassed. These guys always seem like they would rather die than do whatever it is she’s having them do. It makes me think of last season on The Bachelor when the girls kept voluntarily bursting into song for Matt. That was embarrassing too, for other reasons. Anyway, back to the singing guys. Twilley chants instead of singing and Jeremy raps – or tries to. The Riddler kneels down, takes DeAnna’s hand, and does an extended one-note monotone reading of his lines. Brian gets all into his song and I’m almost transported to a little coffee house. DeAnna announces that she’s impressed with The Riddler for putting himself out there and making physical contact while he sang. Yippee, The Riddler gets the one-on-one.

The Riddler feels all bewildered wearing a regular suit, but off he goes with DeAnna to the Wiltern Theater. “DeAnna” has arranged for the marquee to have a special message just for The Riddler and he is absolutely aflutter. So once again we have a date in an empty venue. They head down near the stage to have dinner at the fancy little table set up by the production assistants.

If this isn't true love I don't know what is.

And at the Bunkhouse, the boys are receiving another Date Box. “Brian, Twilley, Sean, Jeremy, Graham and Jason… gentlemen start your engines.” So what this means is that Fred and Chef Robert have the two-on-one date. Ha! What a no-brainer. How could anyone NOT choose cute little Fred?

Meanwhile at the Wiltern, DeAnna makes The Riddler perform his awkward song again on the stage. This is the twin date of one that Prince Lorenzo had at some empty opera house in Rome. He made his date sing, too. Over dinner The Riddler and DeAnna compliment each other to death. The Riddler says he’s in this for real and DeAnna says she likes him for being so real. This is really real. The Riddler then politely orders DeAnna to give him the rose, so she does. That’s a good tactic.

"I said now!"

Next the curtain opens and here comes Natasha Bedingfield to give a private concert for the two little lovebirds. The Riddler asks DeAnna to dance so poor Natasha doesn’t have their undivided attention. That’s a shame.

The next morning, the six fellas going on the group date pile into a giant RV with DeAnna to head over to the race track. The guys all cheer and scream when they realize they will be racing stock cars at high speeds on a genuine race track. Sean is certain that he will shine today because he and his friends race their muscle cars at home. The guys are flabbergasted at how cute DeAnna looks in her racing jumpsuit. Yes I’m sure there was no special tailoring involved and whatever was on the floor in the locker room just happened to fit her perfectly.

"I just grabbed the first one I saw!"

Sorry to be ADD on you, but this is another repeat date. This is one that Mayo took a bunch of girls on a couple of seasons back. Are the production assistants out of ideas for spectacularly over the top dates? Anyway, each guy takes a turn racing around the track and whoever gets the fastest time gets a special prize (could it be alone time?). Graham says that he lives in Manhattan and takes the subway every day so he doesn’t really know how to drive. Does he take the subway every day to some pro basketball arena in North Carolina? Because that’s what keeps popping up as his description when he’s talking to the camera. Jeremy is über competitive, so he’s ticked off when his time is not the best. Twilley almost wets his diaper he’s so terrified to break the speed limit. Sean ends up walking the talk because he wins the big prize… alone time. He is almost in tears he’s so happy to have won this. I would venture to say this is one of the highest points in his entire life from the way he’s acting.

Sean sits down with DeAnna and starts using all these race metaphors about this entire process. They bond over both having lived in small towns, then Sean calls DeAnna a redneck – but as a compliment (uh, okay). Next DeAnna takes a lap of her own around the track and manages to beat everyone’s speed. Oh, is there anything sexier? The guys think not. Sean’s planning a wedding in his mind.

Jeremy takes DeAnna into the RV for a chat and they discuss how competitive he is. Gee, that couldn’t have anything to do with this whole “falling in love” thing, could it? He IS trying to beat out a bunch of other guys… rubbish. He is here for DeAnna only. As he whines about not being in the mansion with DeAnna anymore, Graham comes bursting in to take DeAnna away. DeAnna tells us – again – how attracted she is to Graham. Really? Graham seems so dull to me. And not cute enough to make up for the dullness.

"I can't wait for another Graham profundity!"

Graham gives a speech about trying to take full advantage of whatever time he may be lucky enough to get with DeAnna, but when she asks if he’s going to kiss her he says he doesn’t want to be one of a bunch. Whoa! Shut down! The Bachelorette has been denied! DeAnna says she’s hurt and Graham says well now maybe she knows how he feels. Oh. My. Gosh. Hello? She was on The Bachelor, she knows how he feels! Boo hoo hoo, Graham, this is exactly what you signed up for. Well, instead of writing Graham off, DeAnna cries and tries to make him understand what she’s going through and that this is hard for her too. She even tells him she’s dying to kiss him. Oh DeAnna. Let him go. This is supposed to be your power play, stop throwing yourself at him.

Back home, Chef Robert and Fred are receiving their Date Box. “Robert and Fred, who has the recipe for love? Love, DeAnna.” ALSO, “One rose, one stays, one goes. Love Chris Harrison.” Yep that one’s from Chris. Chef Robert goes, “You know, I have a bunch of recipes for love. Smooth, rich, succulent.” Ew, he gets worse every week. Barf. He tells Fred that DeAnna is going to choose whichever guy she kisses on the date. He actually has an elaborate theory on DeAnna not kissing two guys on the same night, but definitely kissing one of them and choosing that one. Fred listens politely. He’s such a doll.

"Whatever you say, Chef."

DeAnna decides it’s time to present the Group Date Rose, and she gives it to Sean for calling her a redneck and changing her mind about him. The other guys are nervous – particularly Jason and Graham.

And the next day the guys in the Bunkhouse come up with a master plan to throw a barbeque and invite DeAnna and the Mansion Three. Chef Robert puts on a flaming turquoise golf shirt and wears his collar up. I’ve noticed that he does this a lot – wears pastel shirts with the collars up. Is this something he learned in culinary school, or is he just naturally a faux pas? As they arrive at the bunkhouse, the guys give Chef Robert a chef hat and want him to man the grill, but he throws a diva fit and says he just can’t do it; he’s too stressed out about the big date tonight. Oh please. Take a Midol and put a freaking slab of meat on the grill. Things get weird from here. The guys basically just pal around with each other playing little games and for the most part ignoring DeAnna. Of course Jeremy and Jason are right at her fingertips, but the rest of them seem disinterested. Graham is doing a Charlie Brown act, moping around with his head down, and Chef Robert is drinking himself into a stupor – wise move with the big date coming up.

Okay, so this might just be water.

And in the middle of this nonsense, who is acting like a grown up and grilling up some steaks for everyone? Fred. He’s not moping, crying, drinking, or groveling. He’s just being a man and making everyone lunch. He’s adorable.

"There seems to be an odd shortage of worshippers."

DeAnna decides to talk to Chef Robert and find out what his deal is. He whines that he thinks she already has her top three picked out and she adamantly denies it. He whines some more and DeAnna finally snaps. She pulls him outside and calls this meeting to order! And here is the rant we’ve seen teased since the premiere. She tells the guys off for not paying attention to her today and for being a bunch of jerks in general. She knows what they’re going through and they aren’t being fair with their constant complaining about the situation. Then she storms off back to the mansion. I would PAY to see the reversal of this. Can you imagine a bunch of girls snottily ignoring the Bachelor until he’s had enough and freaks out? Hot tip of the day: Don’t be the Bachelorette.

"How long till we can finish beer pong?"

Later Fred and Chef Robert pack their bags and head out to their two-on-one date. They join DeAnna at another mansion somewhere – apparently the one where they live just wouldn’t do – and she has a dinner ready for them. As they sit down on the deck, she pulls out one of her standard questions and asks them to tell her the most romantic thing they’ve ever done for a girl. Chef Robert took his ex-fiancée (?) to Vegas and on a helicopter ride, and there are lots of rose petals involved, blah, blah, blah. He even says that it took him six months to pay for it. Classy! Fred listens patiently and then tells about a surprise getaway for an old girlfriend.

Precious.

Chef Robert sits DeAnna down and tells her that he thinks you can gauge the passion in a relationship by the first kiss. Oh, this is it. Time for his big move – his big swooping in and stealing the kiss before Fred gets a chance. This will surely lock down the rose. He grabs her face and says, “Can I kiss you?” DeAnna goes, “Oh! Maybe here,” and offers her cheek. HA! Maybe if you’d put your collar down, Robert. Who knows? Undaunted, Chef Robert tells us that he still thinks he and DeAnna have a connection and “it could get naughty.” Gross. Robert then yammers to DeAnna about what a master communicator he is – as well evidenced by this afternoon’s pouting session. No one’s buying this, Robert.

Now Fred takes his turn and he tells DeAnna how much he thinks of her and that he’s very happy to be here for her. He says he knows she has a lot going on and that she’s opening up her heart, but he wants her to leave a small area in it for him. Aw.

Time for the Big Decision! DeAnna makes her speech which ultimately tells Chef Robert he’s not getting the rose and he is beyond shocked. She puts him in the limo and in his Ride of Shame I conclude that he’s had too much to drink because he looks extremely drowsy and starts to cry as he tells us it will be a long time before he lets anyone in again. At least DeAnna made the right decision here.

"Another failed recipe for love."

She comes back to Fred and tells him how amazing he is and all the reasons why. Then she does the dumbest thing yet. She tells Fred she doesn’t see them lasting forever, so he doesn’t get a rose either. Oh brilliant, DeAnna. Here is this adorable, mature, educated guy and because you got thrown off balance by Graham’s and Robert’s hissy fits, you’re going to send him away while someone like Twilley is still hanging out? Are you mad? She says she can’t lead him on because he’s such a great guy… on and on. Why send away such a great guy? I mean, Twilley? Sean? Graham? How does this make sense? She bawls as he gets into the limo and I have to say I don’t feel sorry for her. If she’s going to make idiotic decisions, she’s on her own. Sorry, DeAnna, I wanted to be on your side. On his Ride of Shame, Fred says he came here to find love, but if DeAnna isn’t feeling it he doesn’t want to stick around to the end just to stick around. Oh, you deserve much better, Fred.

Jason is at the mansion, chomping at the bit to comfort DeAnna after her tough night of bad decision making. They snuggle up outside on the patio and he kisses away all of her sad feelings.

It’s Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time! DeAnna is wearing an ugly brown toga. Jeremy takes her outside and apologizes for yesterday’s debacle. Brian takes her outside and tells her he admires her honesty. They both say firmly that they will get married one time and one time only. Twilley takes her outside and tells her she’s pretty. DeAnna beams.

"Do you want to hear a great story?"

Graham sits down with DeAnna and she goes into wounded puppy mode, saying she’s still hurt by their conversation, all the while fluttering her eyelashes at him. He says he’s sorry and they kiss. Wow, DeAnna is determined for Graham to have a whole lot of promise, but I don’t think there’s much going on behind the scruff (holla, Gnomecorp!).

Now in an odd twist of tradition, everyone goes swimming. Where is Chris Harrison for the love of mercy??? Ah, here he is. Let’s do this! Here is how the roses go: Jason, Jeremy, TWILLEY (now I’m really done with DeAnna), gentlemen, DeAnna, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready… Graham, surprise, surprise. Brian goes. He tells us that he came here hoping to find love and that DeAnna is wonderful. But he was stuck with the guys the whole time and it would have behooved DeAnna to get to know him better. Well Brian, it might have behooved YOU to talk to her at the barbeque instead of just roughhousing with the other fellas.

"But I love the other fellas."

Next week the whole gang heads for Palm Springs and DeAnna makes out with everyone. Twilley goes in a helicopter and then hopefully goes home. But first! DeAnna Tells All. That’s right, with six guys still left we are taking an hour out to hear DeAnna’s innermost thoughts. I won’t be recapping that unless she says something earth shattering. I learned my lesson last season.

So! How are we all doing? Can anyone believe Twilley is still here?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta