Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Date My Ex: Stop the Lies!

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"We're totally over each other."

So here we are, back for another excruciating episode of Date My Ex. We have to first backtrack and watch Jo pretend to be shocked again that Slade has the gall to participate in this ordeal she's going through - as if they didn't come up with this together. So after reliving last week's horror, we join Jo and Brunette Friend doing charity work at a homeless shelter. Yeah right! They're shopping in Beverly Hills. Jo answers her phone to Slade calling her "Chiquita Banana," which of course she thinks is precious, but I find slightly racist, or at least highly idiotic. Slade wants to know if she's ready for Round Two. What do you think? Is Jo ready for more camera time? Slade teases that her next date is with a dwarf. Oh these two. Who wouldn't love them? You know, I'm pretty sure Slade has nothing to do with selecting the dates because he seems genuinely curious to meet them as they arrive at "his" house.

First we meet Lucas, 26, Business Development Manager. So he's in sales. Can they be any more vague here? I mean he might sell marijuana at the side of the road and that could be construed into Business Development Manager. Anyway, Lucas is wearing a necklace that goes down to his belly button and he has a big scar across his left cheek. He plans to keep Jo laughing. Next is Ali, 28, Musician. That one's pretty clear... unemployed. Ali thinks he has an advantage being that he and Jo are both "aspiring musicians." He wants to fall in love. And finally we have Tyler, 29, Realtor. Well, there's plenty of real estate in LA so Tyler may actually have a legitimate job. He thinks he's going to give Jo a "real original experience." How about a "real ESTATE experience," Tyler?

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Date My Ex Barbie

Blonde Bangs explains that each guy will go on a date with Jo and then she'll choose one of them to stick around. I'm afraid we're going to get this speech every week. I'm a little puzzled that there are only three guys, but at this point I'm thinking that David, who won last week, will be the fourth guy and take Jo on a second date. And speaking of that genius, here he comes strutting out from the back hallway to make his presence known. And I do mean strutting. Someone thinks he's already graduated to Slade Status.

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"Did someone call for a manager?"

Ah, and here comes Slade. He poses in the middle of the room with his arms folded and his weight on one foot. He looks over each guy in turn and then says, "Gentlemen, for your sake I hope you ARE gentlemen. And there's a reason you were brought here. Because nobody gets to Jo without going through me. And the one suggestion I have for you all... is watch yourselves. Because I'm going to be watching you." When he finishes he breaks into his self-satisfied smirk. My gosh, I wish I had someone this charming to speak for me. I want everyone to think I rely on the whims of a complete moron. With no life of his own. Except his son who is in the hospital with brain cancer, but no time for that now - Jo has blind dates to go on! This guy is just a turd.

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And you can't polish a turd.

Slade hands the new guys off to David to take a tour of their living quarters. David smugly announces that he has been upgraded to a bedroom with only two twin beds instead of four. This means he has advanced past first date status. He tells the guys they are staying in the B-List room, and they must now try to make it to his glorious level. When Ali announces he's a musician, David says he started out his managing career in music, but quickly realized there is no money in music. Jeepers, I could have sworn that last week he said he wanted to manage Jo - who is recording an album - but what do I know? I'm no Jo De La Rosa.

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Bachelor #1 - Tyler

Jo is over at Lauren and Heidi's old apartment (I THOUGHT it looked familiar!) receiving her first of this week's slew of polka dot hat boxes. This time they're a masculine shade of hot pink. The first note says, "Jo, I'm ready to show you a good time. I hope you'll give me a shot to impress you. -Tyler." Jo wonders if Tyler is a doctor and whether he will be inoculating her. Then she pulls out a little ring box containing not jewelry, but ear plugs. Shot? Ear plugs? They're clearly going shooting, but Jo is still hoping for an MD. She's very confused.

At Slade's house, Slade summons Tyler out of the pool to go and get ready for his date, but he does all this while busily texting on his phone because he is just so far above these other idiots. He then asks Tyler how tall he is - 5' 10" - and says he feels sorry for him because Jo will probably be taller. Well, that's going to be the end of known civilization. While Tyler changes into his date outfit, Slade quizzes him on what he knows about Jo. Gee, what IS there to know? She's a fake shallow fame whore. Wish I knew her. As Tyler emerges wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a black button down shirt, Slade relentlessly taunts him about his ugly outfit. What IS this? Slade tells us that Jo is into fashion and it's an insult to her for Tyler to show up wearing that. Oh excuse me, Master of the Crocheted Cap. Please set up fashion classes for us peasants. We could really use your advice on how to navigate life stylishly. To Tyler's credit, he says he doesn't care. Slade predicts that Jo will be nice to Tyler but then text message Slade that he's a douchebag. And all because of his outfit. Who wouldn't want this princess?

As the car pulls up to the shooting range, Jo looks utterly confused. Yes, it isn't until this very moment that she realizes what Tyler's clue means. She's never held a gun and certainly doesn't want so start now. I must pause for a moment and say that I have similar sentiments regarding guns. However, a guy once took me shooting and I have to admit that it was rather fun, and it's always interesting to try something new. Especially with someone you are trying to get to know. But there I go just talking crazy again. Back to Jo, who's mad that she has to wear goggles, then mad that Tyler is wearing an ugly outfit (yes, really), then mad that she had to go shooting, because Tyler could at least have taken the time to think about something JO might want to do. Well, Jo, maybe Tyler already got a mani-pedi this week, and isn't into Brazilian bikini waxes. I'm just guessing. Meanwhile Blonde Bangs arrives with her laptop so that she and Slade can watch and mock. Slade overflows with insults as Jo takes her first shot, and Jo continues to complain about how lame this date is. When Tyler announces that he has another activity planned for after skeet shooting, Jo runs into the bushes to call Brunette Friend and whine some more. "Oh help me, help me! We're shooting guns! Please come rescue me!" Did I mention that Jo is wearing a chain mail vest? Well she is. And she's complaining about Tyler's outfit?

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"Thanks for teaching me something new today, Tyler!"

After commercial Brunette Friend convinces Jo to give Tyler another chance and stay for part two of the date. And part two happens to be tea. Yes, they sit down at a wee table with a treat tower and teacups. HA! I had a guy take me to tea once - the same one who took me shooting. Wait, did I date Tyler? Tyler asks Jo about her album and wouldn't you know it, Jo tells us that the date is starting to turn around. It's amazing what asking a narcissist questions about herself will do. Slade is speechless. Tyler tells us that he thinks Jo had a good time with him and would like to see him again. Jo gets home and tells her friends what a dork Tyler is, but that he pulled out her chair and let her talk about herself, so it's kind of okay. Tyler gets home and tells the other guys that he had fun. Slade tries really hard to burst his bubble, but just furthers his own jerk status. David chimes in, also saying what an idiot Tyler is, and also making himself look like a bigger and bigger creep.

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Bachelor #2 - Lucas

The next day Slade tells Lucas to go get ready for his date and then tells us that all the guys here think they're hot crap, but they forget - HE has Jo's ear. Yes, yes Slade. You're vitally important to humanity - noted. Once again he criticizes Lucas's outfit, but Lucas says it doesn't bother him because Slade is a tool. I would say, "right on," but Lucas is here trying to date Jo, so I can't side with him on anything.

And over in the pink polka dot hat box, Jo pulls out a floppy straw hat. "Jo, I know you must be tired of the same old clubs, but my clubs really swing. Let's try them out, and see how far we get. -Lucas." In order to make Jo look a teency bit less moronic, the producers dub in her voice saying, "golfing?" but her lips don't move and what she really guesses is that Lucas will be taking her to a swing club. Brunette Friend is excited because it would be fun to learn to swing dance. Is Mensa aware of this show? Someone should alert them pronto. As Jo heads over to the swing club, aka golf course, Slade calls to inform her that he likes Lucas because so far Lucas is the one most like Slade. Oh for crying out loud. Needless to say, Jo is intrigued.

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This + a jaunty cap = Slade.

She hops out of the car and tells us that Lucas is really stylish. In your face, Slade! Plus he has a nice body, she says. Jo is wearing a pink argyle sweater and booty shorts as her "golf outfit." She holds up the floppy straw hat and says she'd rather not wear it. Good call, Jo. Someone might see you in that and think you're the type of person who makes a fool of herself.

As they hop into the golf cart Jo tells us she's not a big golfer; she'd rather go shopping for a golf outfit. I, for one, am shocked. Slade and Blonde Bangs watch the laptop as Lucas teaches Jo how to putt. Slade announces that Jo is totally working Lucas because she knows how to putt already from taking lessons with Slade at his country club. Easy, there, preppy. Lucas actually seems like a semi-decent guy because he manages not to murder Jo while golfing. But again - he's there to date her, so I can't really defend him at all. He takes advantage of teaching her how to swing the club (not swing DANCE club) and grabs her hand at one point. Never mind. I'm completely off Lucas. And just when it looks like this is the perfect date, what should happen? The sprinklers turn on. OMG! JO'S MAKEUP! This is a catastrophe! She screams and runs away in terror, but then Lucas convinces her to stay and frolic in the sprinklers. As Jo says, "And what could have possibly been the WORST EXPERIENCE EVER, of course Lucas turned into the most funnest thing in the world." Someone please! Then Lucas takes his shirt off, so this is a done deal. Jo invites Lucas to come up to her apartment. Wow, that's risqué. Come up to her apartment in the middle of the afternoon with her roommates. Look out!

Back home the guys play pool, except for David who mopes around the swimming pool by himself. He tells us he doesn't care about getting to know the other guys because he's the only one who's a Hollywood manager. Or something equally lame. At Jo's house she tells her friends the sprinklers story as if she and Lucas had stepped on an anaconda at the golf course. Then they make Lucas take off his shirt again. My brain hurts.

When Lucas gets home, Slade is irritated because he can't stop smiling. Slade asks if Lucas saw Jo's apartment, to which Lucas says no, he didn't go up. Okay, I guess the afternoon chat with the roomies is a big secret. When Lucas tells about the Grand Sprinkler Incident, David comments that Lucas got Jo wet on the first date. Slade tells David to shut up because that's not even funny. He's here to defend Jo's honor, after all. Oh yes, clearly.

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Bachelor #3 - Ali

Hot pink polka dot hat box number three arrives. "Jo, I've been singing your praises ever since I first laid eyes on you. Let's kick back, and have a nice meal. Dress casually. -Ali." Whoever writes these cards overuses commas. And Jo pronounces "Ali" like it's short for Allison. Brunette Friend, luckily is there to correct her, saying, "ally." As in - the allied forces. They finally settle on All-ee, like rhyming with Wally. Still wrong, bimbos. It's All-EE. Emphasis on the second syllable. Who cares? What else is in there? It's a candle, woohoo.

Slade preps Ali for the date and for once he doesn't make fun of the outfit. He must not find Ali threatening at all. At the pool the guys continue to quiz Lucas on whether or not he went up to Jo's apartment. He insists that he didn't and he's sticking to that story. Let's face it, would you tell these jerks anything? There I go, defending Lucas again. Another aspect of this conversation is that Tyler deliberately antagonizes David, which is hilarious. And David tries to threaten him, which is also hilarious - Tyler thinks so too. I may like Tyler best so far, even though he's not too cute.

Jo arrives on a rooftop - another rooftop? - where Ali is waiting on a red convertible. Jo likes the rocker look. Ali takes her inside a music studio where they look at a whole bunch of guitars. Jo says it's "really cool to be in the presence of all this amazingness." And now - surprise! Ali's band is here to perform for Jo! Jo thinks this is really hot, but starts to worry when she hears what real music sounds like compared to the piece of crap she just got done recording. Slade is getting really nervous watching the laptop. Where are all your one-up comments, Slade? Ali tells Jo he wrote that song about a girl who broke his heart. Red Alert! Red Alert! There are no other women in existence besides Jo, Ali! How dare you have had a life before her? Well Jo decides to also invite Ali back to the apartment for a midday talk with the girls. When they get there she takes off her shoes and shrinks at least six inches. Is anything about this girl real? Stupid question - sorry. When he leaves Blonde Bangs claims Ali is bleeping beautiful. Why aren't you at the laptop with Slade?

At home Ali tells the other guys that Jo invited him up and he went. Tyler gulps and Lucas deflates a little. Slade calls Jo and invites her and the girlfriends over for a barbeque, so they all put on mini-dresses and redo their whore makeup. When they arrive they tell Lucas that it's nice to see him again, and do you know what this means? If the girlfriends say it's nice to see Lucas AGAIN, then Lucas told the guys he didn't go upstairs, BUT HE REALLY DID!! Call 911!

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"Hello, police? We have a liar here."

Slade totally lays into Lucas, telling him he should have just said he'd rather keep things quiet instead of flat out LYING about it! Oh right. Remember last week when that first guy wasn't allowed to keep anything private? Like that would have worked. Blonde Bangs says that lying to Slade is lying to Jo and then Jo talks to the camera, pleading our understanding on this horrible betrayal. My gosh! It's not like Lucas admitted he actually has a wife and four children! He just didn't tell them he went upstairs! I don't know why I'm surprised, this is totally the level this show is on. Why would I expect things to start making sense at this juncture?

Jo steps outside to get away from all the lying and she joins David, who is grilling steaks. All he really has to say is that Jo is hot, so she tells us that she just loves David because he really knows who he is and sometimes a girl needs that. Yes, he is really certain that he is a guy who thinks Jo is hot, so he's marriage material. Jo also wants Ali to fall all over her, so she pulls him into another room for a chat. He shows her a tattoo across his chest that says, "I keep a close watch on this heart of mine," and explains that he got it after yet another breakup. Well, this pushes Jo over the edge. She's had it with Ali and all these girls he just can't get over. What is wrong with him? Doesn't he see Jo right here in the room? Jo also talks to Tyler, telling him not to worry about not getting invited up to her apartment. That's convincing. Lucas tries to redeem himself after the Great Betrayal, saying he just didn't want to show all his cards, but Jo warns him not to lie to Slade again.

Over dinner Tyler makes Ali play his guitar while he sings a ditty he made up for Jo. Bad move in the presence of such amazing musicians, but Jo thinks it's sweet nonetheless. Blonde Bangs rains on the parade by reminding everyone about tomorrow's elimination ceremony. Sweet mercy!

The next day the guys all fret, particularly Lucas with his Great Betrayal.

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"I'm skerd."

Jo claims great confusion and heads over to talk to Slade, who is wearing yet another girly cap, to get his sage advice. She tells him that she had a lot of fun with Lucas, but... and here she opens her eyes super wide and shakes her head back and forth emphatically, "...didn't like the fact that he lied to you. That's not okay with me..." shake, shake... "AT ALL!" This certainly is the crime of the century. Did I mention that Jo is in another negligee? I can almost see her uterus. Slade trash talks everyone in some form or another, and as Jo walks out of the room she says, "I know you're looking at my butt." Classy!

David is banished to his twin bed while the elimination takes place. I'm gathering that the second dates aren't going to happen until later in the series, so the ones who get to stay are going to be around for a while. Goody. Jo does her round of speeches again, just summarizing - with great help from the cue cards - what they each did on her date. I do actually think it's informative for the guys to be told what they did on the dates they took her on. They only have so much brain capacity. Jo has to announce the first one to leave and she chooses... Tyler. "I think we should just be friends. You know, like Slade and I are friends. Maybe you can line me up with someone." Tyler is honestly shocked. Too bad, geek. Although you were my fave... After drawing it out for more pausing and a commercial break, Jo eliminates... Ali. She once again reiterates how angry she is with Lucas for LYING to Slade, but she likes his abs, so he's staying. Ali is kind of surprised, but whatever. He'll just go get a tattoo about it and get on with his life. Slade can't believe that Jo picked the guy who came into his house and LIED, but whatevs. He's got a cap waiting that isn't going to crochet itself. Blonde Bangs brings out the alcohol and David, and the whole gang gets slobbering drunk.

Next week Jo goes sledding and has a photo shoot. Then she tearfully runs away during the elimination ceremony. How will we make it through until then??

So what did you think of Round Two? My main thoughts can be summed up by the fact that every time I go to type "Jo," I accidentally type "Ho," and keep having to fix it. I think Freud may have a theory on that.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

2 comments:

Paul said...

I guess I'm a huge nerd because what's pissing me off most about this show is the math. Here's what we know:

-10 total episodes
-4 guys on the 1st episode, kept 1
-3 guys on the 2nd episode, kept 1

So continuing on this pattern she'll have 2 new guys on the 3rd episode and keep 1. Then what? Fourth episode they just give her a 4th guy and say: gotta take this one? Maybe then on the 5th episode she has to start subtracting total guys from her stable? But there are only 4 guys by that point and 6 episodes left.

It doesn't MAKE SENSE goddamit Bravo.

I really wish that there had been 4 new guys on episode 2, because then the math wouldn't seem so unworkable. Or better yet the winner of episode 1 should've been forced to compete in episode 2 ala Jeopardy except with Slade playing the role of Trebek and giving the answer "Jo" under category of "Harlots" and the first three suitors buzzing with (ahem) 'incorrect' questions "Who should be dangled over an alligator pit by her stripper-heels?", "Who's unlikely to be wearing underwear, ever?", and "Who should ride a gasoline-doused pony into the scene of a 4-alarm grease fire?" which would enrage Slade and result in suitor 4 defaulting to Episode 3.

Anyway I predict that eventually Slade gets thrown into the mix of suitors and makes it to the final 2, then gets picked over for some other guy so that the happy couple can then proclaim true love and Slade can stew around his pad in a hat.

DD said...

I have to admit, Real Housewives is a guilty pleasure. But this is stupid. I couldn't last through 10 minutes, I had to turn it off. On top of this why aren't they setting Slade up? I thought the show was date my Ex not date Jo?