Date My Ex: How CUTE!

Narcissism Celebrated

So apparently not enough people have complained to Bravo yet about how horrible this show is, so here we go with another episode of Date My Ex. After a quick look back at last week’s nightmare, we join Jo and her bimbette friends once again at Toast. Brunette Friend wants to know what Jo’s type is. Well let’s see. Rich, pretentious, annoying, obnoxious… wears stupid caps, does that cover it? Jo says that she likes guys who are affectionate. Not affectionate like tongue down your throat in public affectionate, but like guys who hold your hand. Wow, aim high Jo. You’ve clearly given this a lot of extra special thought. Jo tells us this is turning out to be way more fun than she ever expected, so bring on the three new cute boys. Roger that, Jo. Will do. We’re all here for you and your glorious experience.

First we meet Steve, 24, Entrepreneur… another code for unemployed. I’m sure Steve is just bubbling over with tons of fabulous new business ideas. Steve tells us he is good looking, smart, debonair, and handsome. So does Steve think he’s attractive or what? I’m confused. Next we meet Andra, 28, Building Contractor. The way I hear his name in my head is Ahn-druh. That’s what it looks like, right? He tells us he’s a southern gentlemen with a bad boy side. That is so interesting. He says it takes a very special person to even get the opportunity to try to figure him out. Oh geez. Guess what, Ahn-druh. No one cares. Finally we meet Zack, 27, Jewelry Rep/Model. Oh goody, a slashy. Zack is very, very special. He is a mild-mannered jewelry rep by day, but as a hobby he is a fashion model. First of all, what on earth is a jewelry rep? Does he randomly drop in to offices with a briefcase full of bling, or are we talking parties where he invites all the ladies over to look at his collection and sign up to work for him and give him 10% of all their sales? Secondly, he’s a fashion model as a HOBBY? I thought modeling was the sort of thing that pays so well that you can work sporadically and still live quite comfortably. So he’s begging people to buy his rhinestones all day, then to unwind, just as a hobby mind you, no need to pay him, he hits the catwalk and does us all a big favor? To top it all off, as if this weren’t bad enough, Zack has nicknamed himself a “Zack of All Trades.” Clever, Zack. Would one of those trades be molecular biology or quantum physics? No? I don’t believe it! This guy seems like a male version of Jo… perfect!

As the three new guys sit around shooting the breeze, a random cordless phone rings. Ahn-druh shows what a man he is by being the only one brave enough to answer. Surprise of surprises, it’s Blonde Bangs telling the guys to step into the backyard. I just love it when the producers throw us for a loop like this. I mean, usually we meet in the living room, but tonight we’re going to meet in the BACKYARD! I’m right on the edge of my seat! Blonde Bangs goes through her usual song and dance about the rules of this awesome competition and then she brings out David and Lucas to strut around and act superior, then send the guys down the hall to their floor mattresses. But who should be waiting in the tiny bedroom to terrorize the new recruits? That’s right, it’s Slade the Iron Man. He’s wearing dog tags today, m’kay? Not like diamond encrusted platinum dog tags à la Jason of The Hills, but regular old standard issue army dog tags. As if this piece of crap ever did anything for anyone but himself. Slade lets us and the guys know that they should be highly intimidated here in his home. Yawn.

Brainless Zack of All Trades

Meanwhile, the production assistants have given up on coming up with new colors for the polka dot hat boxes, so Jo receives another hot pink one. This one comes with a rose so Jo jumps all over her kitchen squealing that she gets to go on another date. The note says, “Jo, I’ve been picturing this date in my mind for a while. Let’s take a shot at this – I hope we click! -Zack.” What, not “Zack of All Trades?” How disappointing. Jo, of course, sounds out the word “shot” and immediately has flashbacks of her hellish date with Tyler last week who had the audacity to try and show her something new, like skeet shooting. Instead she hopes for cameras and pulls out a little jewelry box from the hat box. Much to Jo’s relief it’s not ear plugs; it’s a bracelet. Ah yes, Zack of All Trades is a jewelry rep, so here is what he multi-level markets. It’s a series of chunky orange rocks of varying sizes on a string. Jo goes, “That’s cute… kind of.” Then she looks up and screams “Re-gift! Re-gift!” Denied, Zack of All Trades! You gave a crappy gift and Jo will not have it!

Back at Slade’s, Slade asks Zack of All Trades why he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Zack of All Trades says he’s very selective because when you’ve got a lot to offer, you don’t settle. Oh my gosh, I almost fell off the couch laughing. Don’t you understand that this guy can get you tacky orange jewelry? Form an orderly line, ladies, and don’t you dare get your hopes up! Zack of All Trades leaves the house holding a bunch of shirts on hangers and a couple of shoe boxes. The other guys call him “Sweet Cheeks” because of his high modelesque cheek bones. You see, the other guys aren’t any smarter than Zack of All Trades, so that’s the best they could come up with.

Slade does the obligatory phone call to remind Jo who is in charge and Jo does the obligatory flirting and deferring. Slade tells her that Zack of All Trade’s nickname is “Cheeks.” No, Slade is not bright either, in case you failed to pick up on that so far. Jo repeats “cheeks,” over and over, wondering what it could all possibly mean. When she hops out of the car, she and Zack of All Trades fall all over themselves telling each other how good looking they are. Zack of All Trades says that he scheduled a high fashion photo shoot for their date because Jo is so beautiful she shouldn’t mind being the center of attention. Ah, good one, Zack of All Trades. You know the way to this dingbat’s heart. Slade fumes as he watches the laptop with Blonde Bangs. Zack of All Trades gives Jo a silver dress to wear and she hops around giggling when she emerges wearing it and Zack of All Trades says he’d like to shake her daddy’s hand. All right, we GET it. You’re hot. No YOU’RE hot! We’re both SO hot! Let’s get our picture taken! As we are dragged through this photo shoot, it becomes clear why Jo is not a model for her hobby. She’s not all that photogenic.

Notice we're not seeing Jo's face.

When they’re done, Zack of All Trades lies, saying he has dessert for Jo when all he really has is a fruit plate. Wrong! Fruit is not dessert, Zack of All Trades. Unless there’s a bubbling pot of chocolate in the middle for dipping. Jo describes Zack of All Trades as incredibly down to earth. Yes Jo, the guy who takes you on a photo shoot for a date is definitely in touch with reality and the state of affairs in the world. I think for Jo Down To Earth = In To Jo. There’s just no other explanation. She tells him he’s cute about six times and tells us that this date was perfect because it combined her three great loves: clothes, cameras and herself! And she’s dead serious.

Back home, Zack of All Trades busts out the photos to dazzle the other guys, who make fun of him because, what else are they going to do? Slade admits that Zack of All Trades did a good job with his date. Jo also shows her friends the pictures and tells them how nervous she was because Zack of All Trades is so dang hot. Then she leans in wiggling her fingers and says in a very high pitched voice, “Cute boy!” And her friends do it back.

Little Baby Steve

Later Slade summons Steve to go get ready for his date. Steve tells us that he’s gone out with a couple of different girls in Los Angeles… and one of them robbed him. Impressive start there, Steve. Slade asks Steve what he plans to do to impress Jo and Steve says he’s not worried about impressing her, he just wants to get to know her. I think we can all safely guess where this is going. Jo does not want to get to know anyone – she wants to be worshipped. If this guy doesn’t come up with something quick he can forget it.

Brunette Friend finds Jo in the gym of her apartment complex going in slow motion on the stair climber and wearing a camouflage hat that she surely paid over 100 dollars for and that I bought at Target for $9.99, and I’m not kidding. It’s another hot pink polka dot hat box and this time the note says, “Jo, I’m so psyched to meet you that I’m shivering with anticipation. Here’s hoping our date will be special, like a frozen moment in time. –Steven.” In the box is a bright purple beanie for Jo to wear.

Jo meets up with Steve up on a hill somewhere and he has arranged for a bunch of snow to be brought in and there are fake snow-covered trees and a fake snowman. I once had a work Christmas party in LA where they did this – brought in a big bunch of real snow. It was cool, but doesn’t anyone realize that people move to LA because they don’t want to be in snow? Well Jo thinks it’s “Sooo cue-uh,” that’s how she’s saying “cute,” and they sit in the snow to have a picnic.

"This snow is really detracting from ME."

She tells us that it’s really cute and kind of magical. As they sip hot chocolate crickets start chirping. Neither one of them can think of anything to say. Slade is overjoyed at the laptop while Blonde Bangs says this is getting awkward. Jo just giggles, tells Steve he’s cute and that this is a cute date. The next thing they’re going to do is go sledding down this eight foot stretch of snow and the best part is when Jo knocks over the fake snowman and bounces off of her sled. And it isn’t even that good.

At home the guys all jeer at Steve for being young and naïve, and Jo tells the gals that Steve is very shy and she had to lead the date. See, Jo isn’t used to having to think. I mean, she’s giving this guy the privilege of her company – she certainly doesn’t want to have to think about anything on top of that. She’s only one woman!

Jokester Andra

The next day Ahn-druh tells Slade and Lucas that he may not be quite as self-assured as he’s been letting on and he’s really a bit nervous for his date with Jo. So what? Jo gets the last polka dot hat box of the night with a little bouquet of flowers to which she and Brunette Friend ooh and aah. Jo says it’s cute. “Jo, Bonjour mon amour, a beauty like yours deserves to be bottled and adored. À bientôt. –Andra.” Needless to say Jo is thoroughly baffled. She pulls up to meet Ahn-druh, who is impressed that she is wearing a bright yellow dress because it shows she’s confident. He starts speaking to her in French. Now I don’t speak a lick of French, but it’s clear that he says “Hi my name is Ahn-druh.” But not clear to Jo. She looks slightly annoyed and tells him she doesn’t speak any French. You’re kidding! I wonder if she even knows any Spanish. I’d be highly floored. She tells us Ahn-druh (which turns out to really be pronounced Ahn-dray) is really handsome and has pretty brown eyes. Ahn-druh has brought Jo to a perfume shop where you design your own fragrance, which he sells as her bottling her essence or something along those butt-kissing lines. Jo says that’s really cute, then they go into the store where a girl who is a hundred times prettier than Jo is there to help them. I think this really irritates Jo but she just giggles and tells Ahn-druh he’s cute. She puts some scent on her wrist and shoves it in Ahn-druh’s nose, asking if it makes him want to bite her wrist. Slade’s mad again at the laptop. Ahn-druh explains that some scent is extracted from whale vomit. I’d actually be interested by this. Really? There is something in whale vomit that contributes to a good-smelling perfume? What is it? Does it have anything to do with pheromones? Please elaborate. Jo just screams “Eww!” covers her face and takes a step back. Oh shut up, Jo. A whale isn’t going to vomit ON you, it’s a three-inch vile so just relax. But no, she tells us how gross it is and Blonde Bangs is at the laptop sympathizing. And now America doesn’t get to learn how whale vomit becomes perfume.

When they finally decide what will go into Jo’s perfume – and if Ahn-druh is any kind of man, he slipped the pretty girl a twenty to include whale vomit – they sit down to some cheese fondue, which Ahn-druh claims is French, but is actually Swiss.

"This cardboard box is soooo cute!"

The pretty girl comes out with Jo’s perfume which is called – what else? – amour, and Jo is really glad to see the pretty girl go. She tries on her whale vomit and Ahn-druh is overflowing with flattery. As they leave she says, “You’re cute!”

Ahn-druh reports to the guys and is very sure he will be going on a second date. Jo bursts into her apartment and announces, “Guess what!” and then in a sing-songey voice, “I had a date with a cute boy!” Did Jo recently discover what “cute” means and is now attempting to seem smart by inserting it everywhere? She regales the girls with her awesome date as if they should be very jealous. They all decide to head over to Slade’s to go swimming.

The girls burst through Slade’s front door wearing couture bathing suits, cover ups, and spiked stilettos they can barely walk in. Zack of All Trades tells us that Jo knows how to pick beautiful friends. Oh gag. They all proceed to get trashed and flirt. In fact, the flirting gets so out of hand that David decides to tell Blonde Bangs and Jo that Zack of All Trades has a huge crush on Blonde Bangs. I have to pause here and point out that, triple layers of makeup aside, both of Jo’s friends are much prettier than she is. She’s got some skin problems and her face leaves something to be desired. I don’t know who ever convinced her that she’s a gift from the beauty gods, but that person did society a huge disservice. Anyway, if Zack of All Trades has a crush on Blonde Bangs, then who cares? He’s a brainless tacky jewelry pusher and I’m sure he has a crush on three new women every day. Well Jo cares! She’s extremely insulted and sends Blonde Bangs outside to try and bait Zack of All Trades.

We hear snippets of conversation from Blonde Bangs and Zack of All Trades and I am mortified to discover that Zoolander may have been based on an actual person. Zack of All Trades says that his mission in life is to make people happy and the way he does that is to model because modeling makes him happy by making other people happy. The most alarming part of this is that he honestly thinks he’s doing us all a solid. Not only that, but that we’d all probably like to be him. Stunning. At least Blonde Bangs calls him out on this and tells him that if his aim is really to help others that he may be better off working for a charity. Now, Jo isn’t alarmed at the profound idiocy of this exchange; she’s still mainly worried that Zack of All Trades might think Blonde Bangs is prettier than she is. I give up. These two are a perfect couple.

The diva dam about to burst.

Slade decides that now would be a good time to throw a diva fit and storm off. He makes a huge show of putting on a sweatshirt and giving all the girls but Jo a kiss on the cheek and then stomping off in a huff. This is the exact opposite of interesting.

The next day is Elimination Day and the boys are all aflutter getting ready to see who is staying and going. Jo pops in on Slade, of course, to confront him about kissing the other girls on the cheek, but not her. She works up some fake tears and demands to know what’s going on. He says it’s hard to watch her date and flirt with other guys – that’s what the script says. Then Slade asks about the guys. What does Jo think of Zack of All Trades? Jo says, “He’s cute.” What does she think of Steve? “He’s cute.” And how about Ahn-druh? “He’s cute.” She also says that Zack of All Trades is dumb, that she felt like she was babysitting Steve, and that she’s not sure if Ahn-druh is capable of being serious. Jo is wearing a Minnie Mouse bow in her hair and a dress made of steel wool.

Lucas and David commiserate in their Stage 2 bedroom and they both guess that Ahn-druh will be the one to stay. At the Elimination Ceremony we switch things up again by having Blonde Bangs recap the dates instead of Jo. I think Jo must have been too tired from reading so many cue cards. Jo goes through each guy and says what she likes about him, but just when everyone is in a good mood, Slade steps in and announces that he will be telling each guy what Jo didn’t like about them. This is downright insulting. The producers have the nerve to think that we’ll believe Jo had no idea this was going to happen and is mortified. Jo does her best to act shocked and angry but all she manages to do is turn her head.

"Go on, please. You were saying?"

So Slade lists the bad things: Zack of All Trades is an idiot, Steve is a baby and Ahn-druh is not serious enough. After Jo allows Slade to get peacefully through his tirade she says, “Thank you,” in a trying-to-be-sarcastic voice and Blonde Bangs pretends to break it up. This is where I thought Jo would go running tearfully off, but she just smiles and sends Steve home. She thinks they should just be friends. She tells us privately that poor little Steven just doesn’t get it. Oh his loss, obviously, Jo.

When asked to choose a winner for this round, HERE is where Jo scurries away calling for Brunette Friend. And there are absolutely no tears; in fact, she’s giggling. She implores Brunette Friend to help. Zack of All Trades is so cute, but Ahn-druh is standing there looking at her with his beautiful brown eyes. What should she do? Brunette Friend luckily has a solution. Who would Jo want with her on a deserted island? Oh Brunette Friend, we are so fortunate you are here!

Back from an agonizing commercial break, Jo announces that she would love to have a second date with… Zack of All Trades. Yes, the one who has no brain and purportedly has a crush on Blonde Bangs. Brilliant. Ahn-druh says he’s devastated, but I’m sure he’ll be fine. Zack of All Trades isn’t surprised at all, but David and Lucas are. Jo says she feels very strongly that she needs to get to know Zack of All Trades better to see if there is a little more depth behind his beautiful face. Jo – I’ll spare you the trouble. There isn’t.

Next week Jo makes out with someone and someone else throws up. I think it’s me. If you have any brain cells left after getting through this one, do drop me a line, I’m in desperate need of intelligent verbiage.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta