Thursday, August 14, 2008

Date My Ex: A Shot at Love with Vodka Vlad

"My old folks home, my rules!"

We are back this evening with Round Four of the dreaded Date My Ex. Blonde Bangs takes us through another painful recap going all the way back to when the girls cooked up this whole silly scheme in the first place. We continue through to Jo inviting Zack to go on a second date with her last week. Then without further ado we jump in head first and meet this week’s three new guys.

First is Chris, 26, Commodity Trader, CEO. That sounds like an actual job, do they have those in LA? No they don’t. Chris flew in from Chicago because Jo is someone he can see himself being with for a long time. Wait a second. Chris flew in from Chicago for this nonsense? And not only did he make a cross-country trek, but he did it because he can see Jo being a long-term keeper? Is he joking? There must be something in this for him. His company must be getting a plug. His dad must be one of the producers. His mom must have lost a bet to Jo’s mom in high school. This is ridiculous. Blonde Bangs brings him into the kitchen to make breakfast and tells him that eggs are his bit. Next comes Micah, 27, Artist, also known as unemployed. These guys all must be trying to be actors and that’s why they have all this free time and have agreed to spend it pretending to like Jo. Micah says that he can describe himself in one word: conundrum. Oh boy, another guy who thinks he’s an unsolvable mystery. The jig is up, Micah. You’re here and that tells us all we need to know about you. Riddle, or conundrum, solved. He says he has no expectations as far as Jo is concerned. Micah meets Chris and immediately wonders if he is at all adventurous or spontaneous, like he, the glorious artist. Finally we meet Vlad, 24, Marketing Coordinator (finally a real LA job!), and Russian. He says he doesn’t want Jo to think of him as just the Russian, but that there’s no way she’ll be able to resist him. Vlad is assigned to fruit salad. Vlad claims that he’s used to ladies cooking for him and not the other way around. Ah, communism.

The three new suckers carry their hard work out to serve it to… David, Lucas and Zack, our three dubious winners so far, and of course there sits King Slade on his throne of douchiness. The guys all start sizing each other up and patting themselves on the back for being hot crap. Slade asks the newcomers if they know what he does. Vlad says, “No, what do you do?” Slade explains that he is very good friends with Jo and Micah asks if they dated. Slade says, “She’s my ex-fiancée.” And he says this jerking his head this way and that all proudly. Oh Micah, how could you not know such important information? Vlad goes, “I’m sorry, what is it that you do again?” HA! LOL, Vlad. That is a question to which no one has an answer. Slade is not happy and informs everyone that he’s here to make sure that Jo’s best interests are attended to. Also to get face time with the camera, of course. Blonde Bangs explains the rules to the newcomers, then Slade takes them to their barracks. Chris tells us that he lived in a fraternity house with 76 guys, so he doesn’t think this little situation will be a problem. Knowing the fraternity houses I’ve been so unfortunate as to see, I’m guessing that Chris and his 76 brothers shared a four bedroom house.

And over at Casa de la Airhead, a brand new hot pink polka dot hat box is arriving. Jo takes a break from her strenuous task of slicing an orange to read the note. It says, “Jo, planning a date is truly an art form. Hopefully you won’t give me the brush-off. –Micah.” She pulls out a ruffly pink apron. I’m sure she’ll put that right on over whatever thong-free outfit she chooses today.

"You'll never solve me."

Slade watches Micah get dressed and tells us that he’s scared for Jo because Micah is in his own world. Oh, like Jo isn’t? When Jo hops out of the car and sees Micah, what do you think she says? “You’re cute!” Argh. Enough already. They walk into an art studio and Micah tells Jo she’s going to throw paint on stuff today. Jo pets her hair and giggles. They open up a bunch of paint cans and toss the paint onto a hanging canvas. Wild, I tell you. Jo giggles. Micah asks her how it made her feel to throw the paint and if she sees any images in the splotches. That makes sense, especially if the goal is to make art, and not just a mess. Jo just stands there looking really confused. So Micah takes the reins and starts yammering on about himself and his life and his art, and blah, blah, blah. This, of course, is unacceptable because none of it has anything to do with Jo. She is very bored and put out. Who cares about you, Micah?

Back at Slade’s Vlad is whipping up some White Russians for everyone to drink and David is making artsy food, which includes a chicken breast body, asparagus arms and legs, and two whole tomato boobs. He calls it chicken à la Jo de la Rosa. Wow, that is so creative, David. To make something that focuses on boobs. I’ve never seen the like.

And in the art studio, Jo and Micah are sitting down to eat something and Jo hopes that she’ll get a chance now to tell Micah all about her incredible beauty and her budding career as a superstar. But alas, Micah just wants to know if Jo has ever been to the art district. Art this and art that. Jo says the date became an art lecture and it wasn’t fun because they didn’t get to know each other. Oh, you mean unlike that photo shoot where you and Zack swapped your innermost secrets and became soul mates? Please. She’s just mad to meet someone who doesn’t find her fascinating. Or at least pretend to.

When Micah comes home he is very grateful to receive a White Russian in which to drown his disappointment over Jo. When David presents him with his little pornographic dinner plate, Micah thinks it’s the funniest thing he’s seen since Jo’s makeup. Slade, however, does not. He climbs up on his high horse about defending Jo’s honor and the guys tell him to lighten up and it’s just a joke, but Slade is determined to remain offended.

This is very tastefully done.

Next David brings out a banana, calling it dessert à la Slade. This just gets classier and classier. When Slade asks about the date, Micah says that Jo is a typical Latina and here comes Scandal Number Two of the evening. Slade is appalled because Jo is anything but typical. Right, none of us have ever seen a shallow, entitled dumb girl before, Slade. Jo is very unique. Micah wins the argument by breaking the banana – or dessert à la Slade – in half and dropping it on the table. Slade storms off to bed.

He flew in from Chicago for this.

The next day Chris is up for his date and Slade advises him on what to wear. Clearly Chris is way too much of a square for the likes of Jo and needs to be gussied up. Slade selects a polo shirt and then condescends to kick off his own fabulous shoes and loan them to Chris. Slade says that Chris has big shoes to fill, so he might as well start with these. Oh Slade. Now what will you wear on your feet when you go visit your son in the hospital? Oh right, you won’t be visiting your son in the hospital.

Jo receives another pink polka dot hat box – or the same one, I’m sure they just dump it out and start over – and here is the note: “Jo, Can’t wait for us to make a connection. I’ve got really high hopes for our date. –Chris.” Jo guesses a hot air balloon ride and then she pulls out a pair of pink aviator sunglasses.

Slade and Blonde Bangs sit down with the laptop and we immediately see Chris standing in front of a tiny airplane. The only thing Slade says is that Chris is wearing his shoes. Oh my gosh, get over your retarded shoes, you idiot. Jo hops out of the car to meet Chris and right off the bat tells him she likes his shoes. Am I in the Twilight Zone? Seriously. Slade is delighted at the laptop.

"Does the airplane have cute shoes too?"

It turns out that Chris will actually be the pilot himself. That’s pretty cool. Definitely one up on David who just hired someone to fly Jo around in a helicopter. Jo thinks it’s sexy that Chris is a pilot. Mostly because it means he can afford to buy her things like Chanel bags and diamonds. They fly up to Malibu and then back around LA for a bit and then they’re done. Chris has arranged to have a table set up with sushi right there at the airport so they sit down to eat and chat. Chris talks about his parents who have been married for 30 years and asks Jo what she’s looking for. She says that she wants to one day be a really good wife. And by that I think we can safely assume that she means a really good spender of her husband’s money. Her nails don’t paint themselves, you know! Then she whines about the dating scene in LA. Well, if you were pretty, Jo, things might be different. Booya!

Future Spender of the Year

As the guys wait for Chris to come home they decide to play this awesome prank on him where they all pretend to be doing yoga. Um, what? That’ll show him for sure, you retards. They all get in “yoga outfits,” which for Zack is a pair of briefs and then they strike yoga poses when Chris walks in the door. Slade is wearing his crocheted grandma cap cocked to the side. Chris gets home and just sort of joins in. Whatever. I have no idea what this was supposed to prove, but it was lame. Chris tells the guys that he is a pilot and took Jo flying and they all hang their heads in shame. That’s right, losers! You all suck. Even Slade doesn’t have much to say about that.

From Russia with love.

At last it’s time for Vlad’s date. He says it’s not about the other guys, it’s all about Jo. Jo, meanwhile, is poolside in an elaborate “sunning” outfit, complete with hair scarf and specific sunglasses. Brunette Friend brings in the hat box. “Jo, Let’s taste some of the finer things in life together. Get ready, an assortment of opportunities awaits us! –Vlad.” Inside the box is a Russian phrase book, as if Jo can even read. Good luck with that Cyrillic alphabet, Miss de la Rosa. As Jo rides along in the car, we get our weekly phone call from Slade. He talks in gibberish, to which Jo responds, “Are you speaking Russian to me?” Oh dear. Slade says that he told Vlad when it comes to Jo you’ve got to take your time, there’s no Russian. And I officially want to destroy my television, Bravo, the entertainment industry, and Los Angeles. Jo, of course, is charmed. Jo’s first impression of Vlad is that he’s handsome but short. Vlad is taking Jo to Romanov, a Russian restaurant. Yes, that seems like a great way to avoid being thought of as “the Russian,” Vlad. Inside they start off with a vodka shot, chased by a bite of pickle. Slade is very suspicious at the laptop that Vlad is just trying to get Jo drunk. Great sleuthing, Slade.

In the backyard the rest of the guys are trying to entertain themselves and Micah comes up with the brilliant idea to turn himself into the human paintbrush. He spreads out a huge canvas and has the guys hold him upside down and dip his head into a can of paint and then drag him across the canvas. This is quite the think tank. They claim it’s a painting for Jo, so it’s all good.

I wish I could decipher this conundrum!

Jo and Vlad sit down to a huge tray with about ten different varieties of caviar and Jo announces that she hates caviar. Is she serious? She can’t even try some with this Russian guy? Maybe it’s different than what she’s had, or maybe it would be the nice thing to do. Either way, she’s out. They take another vodka shot instead and Jo thinks Vlad is getting cuter and cuter. That’s what happens, Jo. Vlad tattles on Micah for calling Jo a typical Latina. Jo gets all sassy, jerking her head around and saying she can’t believe Micah has any opinion of her at all since he spent 95% of the date talking. Now that Jo is nice and sloppy Vlad suggests a final vodka shot which includes linking arms and then kissing. Jo pretends for two seconds to have her sensibilities offended and then quickly agrees. She says that the kiss was sweet, but I doubt she even remembers.

Down the hatch, lushes!

Vlad comes home and proudly announces that he is the only one who has kissed Jo on the first date. Wow, it is so tasteful of him to announce that! The other guys are once again completely deflated. First Chris flies a plane, now Vlad gets Jo sloshed and gets a smooch. This is a tough week!

Jo stumbles home to tell her roommates how much vodka she drank when the doorbell rings and it’s a delivery man with two dozen long stemmed roses for Jo from Lucas. He’s got to keep himself in this game! The card says something about since they can’t see each other every day the flowers are supposed to make her day brighter and he’s thinking about her, how special. Because this is a butt kiss, Jo is very pleased. Time to go to Slade’s and torment everyone!

When the girls arrive the first thing the guys tell Jo is that they know she kissed Vlad. Oh who cares? Jo decides to do one-on-one time with the guys and first up is Chris. He gives her some wings – like the kind they give small children who travel on airplanes, and says something about the sky. Then Jo calls Micah out on saying she is a typical ANYTHING. Micah gives a speech about what he really meant to say, but Jo zones out as looks at her shiny bracelet. Next Jo teases Vlad for “kissing and telling” and he desperately tries to defend himself, which only convinces Jo that he has no sense of humor. Oh Jo, he went out with you, didn’t he? If that’s not a sense of humor, then what is? Lucas gets a “You’re cute!” for his flower delivery and then we get to David. Jo wants to know what’s up with David starting all these rumors last week about Zack having a crush on Blonde Bangs when clearly no man on earth has a crush on anyone except Jo. It caused a lot of unnecessary drama in the house and she wants it stopped. Right. Did we miss all the guys fighting with each other and crying into their pillows because of David’s nasty rumor mill? Earth to Jo: you are the only one who noticed. She accuses David of not having his heart in this. He puts his hand on her thigh and gushes about how much his heart is totally in this. Then he goes in for a kiss because he will not be outdone by a 24-year-old Russian! Jo kind of laughs and doesn’t kiss him back and this is all very ugly.

Later Micah has gotten severely drunk and has no intentions of slowing down. The girls leave and the guys think it will be great fun to pour even more liquor down Micah’s throat. He spits it out on the floor – which is what I mistook for vomiting on the previews, buzzkill – and Slade claims major disrespect and wonders if he should just go ahead and kick everyone out of the house right now. What, and put an end to this top-notch programming, Slade? You wouldn’t really deprive us that way, would you?

The next day is Elimination Day. The three new guys speculate on their own and each other’s chances while Jo turns up in Slade’s bedroom for advice. She likes that Micah is passionate, but he talks too much. She really likes that Chris is normal, but he lives in Chicago. She likes that Vlad is Russian because it means he could be in the mob. Someone please make it stop.

David, Lucas and Zack gather in their little room to gossip and wait it out. None of them can make heads or tails of this week’s tricky situation. They’re all just such nice guys! Jo is wearing a white dress and matching white lipstick – big mistake. We gather for Jo’s Big Decision and Blonde Bangs does her spectacular summary of each date and then turns the time over to Jo.

Wake up, Jo! It's decision time!

Jo tells each guy his pros and cons. Vlad is romantic but has no sense of humor. Micah only talks at her, not to her. Here Slade reminds Jo to say something about Micah’s heavy drinking, so she tells him he got too drunk and it wasn’t cute. Listen to Miss Temperance here. Chris is not Hollywood, but Jo works in entertainment, so how could these two worlds coexist? And the first to get the stiletto boot is… Micah, shocking. Micah pretty much doesn’t care. Neither does anyone else on earth. And now Jo tells Vlad that they should just be friends. He is flabbergasted because he thinks he has a great sense of humor. до свидания, Vlad! And this means that Chris gets a second date! I guess as CEO of a company, he can take time out to woo a ditzy social climber. Welcome to the house, Chris! Blonde Bangs warns that things won’t get any easier and wishes Chris good luck because he’s going to need it. I’ll say. Cheers to this episode finally being over!

Next week is more of the same and then Slade and David have a confrontation. Riveting!

Thanks to those of you who are hanging in there with me! I love reading your comments because they make all this nonsense worth it. Do let me know what you’re thinking!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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