Monday, November 24, 2008

The Bachelor: Q&A, part 1

Q: Where aren't the Bachelors of yore?
A: Enjoying everlasting true love with the partner they chose on the television

"Bachelor, Ladies, this is the final rose for tonight"

With all the buzz about the new Bachelor – I decided to do some research on where the past Bachelor/Bachelorettes are and how far they’ve come in their quest for true love on a game show. I’m pretty sure this will be the first hour in the 2-hour premiere in January, but so much can change till then.

Chances are: bad

Based on the chart above, I'm going to guess Jasnore will **not** be finding true love on a television game show. But maybe he's different. Maybe Jasnore will have done his research, and took notes on what has and has not worked for others. Let's see where our bachelors are and why it all fell apart....

Bachelor Alex
Remember Alex Michel? He was the original Bachelor who picked Amanda over Trista, who was a Miami Heat cheerleader during the Bachelor but then all of a sudden became a physical therapist during the Bachelorette. Alex and Amanda pulled off the charade of being together a lot longer than most of these couples possibly due to the contracts they signed, when it was obvious they couldn’t stand to be in each other’s company. Back then, ABC hadn’t given up on the idea that this could actually work in finding true love.

Anyway, Alex is now available to speak at your next corporate event - with a unique message that is sure to capture your attendee’s attention! Here’s a quote from a celebrity appearance website he is featured on:

Decision-Making Under Pressure - Lessons From Candlelight Dinners Applied to the Corporate Jungle

As the Bachelor, Alex Michel had to make a lot of tough decisions very quickly. And these were serious decisions — which women should he keep dating? Which women were most compatible with him for the long haul? Which women sincerely liked him and which women were just playing a game?

But he made all the wrong decisions! He picked the wrong lady to keep dating, a lady who was obviously not compatible with him for the long haul. Yeah, I’d pay to hear him talk about his massive failure - not!

Upon further research, I found this headline which tickled me a bit: Bachelor Alex Michel applied for, rejected from Survivor Marquesas because he was “too effeminate.” Take that Alex!


Bachelor Travis
Dr. Travis [D]ork went all the way to Paris to pick the gal who literally lived next door to him in Nashville. Despite kismet, they didn’t last. And here’s the reason: “The biggest contributing factor to the breakup of Travis and Sarah was the confidentiality agreement they both signed while on The Bachelor.” Apparently, it was too hard for them be together without being able to be together, so it was easier to break-up.

If you recall, Roy...I mean....Sweet Travis was not very bright, didn’t really understand what was going on around him, and used to say really retarded things on the show like:

“I think being intimate with someone is a very private thing. Even if it’s just a kiss, ultimately a kiss is between 2 people and that’s what it’s meant for. So when I see people in public going at it, are they performing? Sometimes I think they are. What’s the point of that?” Then he made out with all of the girls on national television.


“The last thing I want to do is see someone in need of medical attention, that’s why I become a doctor.”* – HA!

The saddest part of that season was Moana who was beyond swept up with Travis when she “saw her own soul reflected back to her.”

Douche bag Dr. Travis wrote a retarded book called: Don’t Be That Girl - where Dr. Travis promises that he can show women the path to happiness and confidence which will lead them to find their true love. This from the man who was an epic failure at choosing a partner from 25 women who were picked to be his ideal match. Seems like he’s the one in need of advice. So no thanks Travis, you can keep your useless advice all to yourself.


Sadly, Travis is rumored to be dating Carrie Underwood. What a tragedy.

Andrew Firestone
Andrew married an actress and declared that he’s so happy, he can hardly stand it. An odd choice of words to describe a positive emotion.

Aaron Burge
If you recall, Aaron and his chosen prize Helene didn't even last until the final rose. She refused to be in the same room with him, and they had to be interviewed separately via satellite. I don't believe the reason for the tension and disgust was specified, so please do let me know if any of you recall.

In the meantime, I am going to believe this false rumor that Aaron impregnated 3 of the ladies while on the show: read me

Where's Aaron now?

Still-single Aaron Buerge manages two Trolley’s bar and restaurants — one in his native Missouri, the other in Kansas — and was named president of local First National Bank. Buerge has had one post-show proposal, he revealed, but it was to be a sperm donor for a woman and her husband.

Keep it classy Bachelors of yore!

More updates on past bachelors are coming soon.....

*What he actually said was "The last thing I wanted to do was hurt someone, that's not why I came on the Bachelor."

1 comment:

Laura said...

ha ha love it! I can't wait for more updates!!!