The Bachelor: New Zealand... Like Australia But Smaller

"I am all kinds of confused."

Hello beloved fans of The Bachelor! As you may or may not know, this last week some rumors started circulating on the interweb involving a Bachelor scandal of epic proportions. I have no idea if the rumors are true and I have no idea if I care if the rumors are true. I don't want to post any spoilers, so I'm just going to keep talking about what ABC deems us so lucky as to view. The truth will come out... eventually... and we'll all have a good laugh when it does. Now off to New Zealand!

Jason greets us in full purple regalia to tell us that he is still totally confused about which girl to choose, even after the hometown dates, which were supposed to clear everything up. Well, there's nothing left to do except to bid Ty another fond farewell and take the three remainders to New Zealand.

We go all the way back over Jillian's history on the show again and Jason tells us that he hopes in New Zealand to discover a romantic spark with her. Apparently as amazing as Jillian is, Jason's not sure this is the stuff marriage is made of. Oh Jason, you don't know what you're talking a-boat. Next, Molly has purty eyes... yawn. Did you know that they slept together in a tent on their first date? Melissa used to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. She also wants to be a teacher and a mom. Does any of this sound familiar, or are you saying it out loud along with Jason by now? This is what happens in two hour episodes, people. Never mind the days on end of filming - we will be shown the same three minutes over and over and over. One last thing. Melissa's parents refused to come on camera. Get out!

New Zealand... rocks.

Now Jason is in New Zealand for Fantasy Time. He's so super excited because he gets to have three amazing dates and then sleep with all three girls! He's double super excited because he KNOWS that his wife is one of these girls.

Well, once a-gane Jillian is up first and the producers have come up with something very unique and different - a helicopter ride. Are you kidding me? I think I almost qualify for a helicopter pilot's license just from watching this show.

"Look Jillian! I thought up a brand new date for us!"

Jason and Jillian are dressed like twin farmers, both in plaid flannel shirts and jeans. They soar around the sky wondering if life gets any better than this. Not for Jason, that's for sure. The chopper hovers down near a cliff and the pilot decides he's had enough and kicks both of them out without even landing. That's okay with Jason and Jillian because now they can have a romantic stroll on top of the cliff! Coincidentally, there is a picnic basket and blanket spontaneously lying around just waiting for a happy couple to adopt it. They sit down and toast to each other and then Jillian wants to know how Jason would describe her to someone else. He comes up with something ever so eloquent and detailed: fun. Wow, Jillian you should feel honored. As for Jason, Jillian thinks he is attractive, interesting, fun and just all around spectacular. Basically she wants to be with a guy who is her best friend. And she can safely say she's falling in love with Jason. Jason says he could be friends with Jillian forever, but he is looking for more passion. They stand on the edge of a cliff and Jason says that this is exactly how their relationship is - you know a cliffhanger. Oh yes, I am just jumping out of my seat to see how this is going to turn oat.

Later that evening, these two meet up in formal wear for dinner. They are at some winery - just like they were in Canada, and they sit down to eat in a big empty stone room. They talk about the date so far and Jillian says that every time she hangs out with Jason he exceeds her expectations. Hmm, low expectations much? Jason keeps yammering to the camera about the Fantasy card because spending the night with someone is SUCH an important factor in the relationship. Way to lead with your libido, Jason. He wants to know how Jillian is feeling about all this - you know, is she ready to jump in the sack or what? She misinterprets his question and starts explaining her feelings about the relationship - like that she's so overwhelmed when he's not around, but everything seems right when he's there. She's crazy a-boat him. Jason is gleeful because he's sure this is in the bag. They start kissing and then Jillian wants to know where her Fantasy Card is.

"What does this mean a-gane?"

Well shocker of shockers, Jillian is in! She wonders if Jason can handle it. It's his first overnight, honey, not his third.

They climb into a wishing well themed hot tub. Jillian's Fantasy hot tub wish is about to come true! Did you know she hasn't been in love with anyone for a very long time? She tells Jason that he's the most remarkable person she's ever met, so I'm guessing she's only ever met about five people, tops. The music takes a turn for the porno and Jason and Jillian start climbing all over each other. This is pretty ugly. Let's take a commercial break, shall we?

Ah, aversion therapy.

Drizzly and early the next morning, Jason says that Jillian was great last night and all, but today is all about Molly and whether she's willing to give it up. It starts out promising, with them making out under a golf umbrella, which Jason certainly swiped from Molly's country club and that's why he'll never be allowed in. Jason says he brought Molly here to show her the most beautiful view in New Zealand. This, it turns out, is from the top of a bridge that these two will now be bungee jumping off of. Wow I could never do this. Never. But I am a gigantic chicken, so there you have it.

Looks secure.

They stand looking over the edge and Jason cries like a little girl. Molly's trying to convince him that it's not that far down, but he doesn't believe her. Well, they jump and there is an eardrum piercing shriek heard around the world - from Jason. Molly just giggles. I've actually heard that high adrenaline activities are a great way to bond.

Can you see Jason's tears falling up?

After the grand jump Molly and Jason sit down to chat over a fruit plate. Molly shares that her finicky parents just loved Jason when they met him, but she has a huge list of questions that she wants Jason to answer. They are terribly important, like what is Jason's favorite ice cream? Molly says - in all sincerity - that if Jason proposes to her she really needs to know what his favorite ice cream is. Okay. Now I've never been married, so I realize that I am not exactly an expert on these things, HOWEVER, I must say that I'm pretty sure an ice cream flavor would not be the first thing on my mind when someone proposes marriage. I am willing to accept the possibility, though, that I am completely mistaken and ice cream flavors are the most important things to be considered when making the biggest decision of one's life. We get to hear about Jason's favorite color, his favorite holiday and his morning getting-ready routine. I'm seriously drifting off. But Molly is getting more and more excited with each inconsequential piece of trivia. These two must be made for each other!

On the way to Fantasy Dinner Molly tells us that she needs to show Jason her emotional side. Oh boy. Jason says that he adores Molly, but he wants her to show him that she cares about him and not just shy away.

"These are my EMOTIONS!"

He can't give himself to someone and not have her feel the same way in return. Yeah, yeah. We know DeAnna dumped you - move along. They talk about the fact that Molly knew that New Zealand was her favorite place in the whole world as soon as the plane landed. We'll see if that sentiment remains unchanged after the next couple of weeks, Molly. Jason brings up the fact that when he met Molly's parents they sat on opposite ends of the couch and so did Molly's sister and her husband. He wants to be more affectionate than that, so what does Molly have to say for herself? Molly just says that her family isn't all mooshy, but that doesn't mean they don't love each other. Also, she's way more affectionate with her boyfriends than she is with her parents. Molly asks Jason if he's worried that he'll choose someone at the end of this and then down the road realize he chose the wrong person. Oh, you mean like every other Bachelor who's ever been on the show? Chances of that are slim, Molly, don't be ridiculous. She tells Jason she's falling in love with him and they start kissing. Molly calls this a "breakthrough," but honestly this just seems like par for the course for these two. Molly pulls a fast one by having her own Fantasy Card and she invites Jason to spend the night with her. Well! She tells us that Jason was "taken back." Does she know Brad Womack? The word is "aback," Molly. And Brad. They go to the Fantasy Suite and head straight for the bed. Jason's like, "Another one bites the dust." Oh, they also take a bubble bath in their swimsuits. Neato.

Another relieving image.

The next day is actually sunny, so Jason leaps out of bed with Molly to scamper off and meet Melissa. Melissa tells us that she's terrified about facing the consequences of her family refusing to participate in the dating show. What will it mean, is she done for? Jason takes her on Winston Churchill's old boat for a cruise around a lake. Melissa hems and haws, telling Jason how worried she is about getting hurt in the end. Jason just looks at her and says, "But is it worth it?" Oh geez. You mean, are YOU worth it, Jason? The answer, of course, is NO. But it's not like Melissa is going to come to that conclusion, so on we go.

"Look! My parents are on the beach waving!"

Jason tells us that he hopes at some point they can talk about not meeting her parents. What? Have we ever LEFT that topic?

The next Fantasy Stop for these two is a hot tub. Here we go. Oh wait, it's actually a hot POOL, meaning it's from a natural source, I suppose. Jason stumbles and almost becomes a soprano on his way into the hot pool. There is a garage door type thing made out of glass that opens up when they sit down in the pool, so they are sitting in front of all of this glorious scenery. Jason wants to know if Melissa has talked to her parents yet and she admits that no, she has not. And she can't understand exactly why - it's not like she and her parents aren't close. Yeah, right. Jason wonders what Melissa would tell them if she were talking to them now and she says she'd tell them that Jason makes her very happy. Now Jason shares a moment with us and tells us that falling in love with Melissa has nothing to do with her parents - but he is disappointed that he hasn't met them. Have we beat this far enough into the ground?

"So... should we talk about your parents?"

It's Fantasy Dinner time! Jason says that tonight will give them an idea of what it would be like to be together in the future. Okay, whatever. It's another dinner in another private room in another restaurant on another Fantasy Date. What will we discuss this time? Melissa's parents? Sort of. It's more like about how she's the black sheep in her family. Also she talks to her brother almost every day and she sees her parents a couple of times a week. I knew it - we're back to her parents. Melissa makes the huge confession that she was terrified when she had to tell Jason that he wouldn't be meeting her parents. Jason says he was disappointed, but he gets it. Melissa wants to know if it's a big deal and Jason stumbles around for a while and lands on the fact that he's glad he got to meet her friends - of which he met no one else's. And out comes the Fantasy Card. Melissa acts like she's genuinely never watched The Bachelor before. She was even surprised earlier that their date continued past the hot pool. Oh Melissa. Stop cheerleading and park yourself on the couch. There's some good stuff happening on TV. Of course she says yes so off they go.

Melissa gives her Big Speech about realizing some things about her relationship with Jason and being scared of what she could lose. Really scared. Jason says that nothing will scare him. Oh, you think, Brainiac? You're the one with all the power! That really helps, Jason. Thanks. I bet Melissa's still scared, though. She finally mumbles that in the time they've spent together she's fallen in love with him. Jason kisses her while pumping his fist in the air because he knows he's three for three. Melissa keeps babbling to us about how scared she is and Jason tells us he's falling for Melissa too. Yeah, and Molly and Jillian. What else is new?

"Even his boxer shorts are purple."

Jason's back later in another purple tie, which is our cue that he's about to re-live this episode verbally with Chris Harrison. Guess what. This is tougher than Jason thought. Waaaah. What we learn in this segment is that Jason went in a helicopter with Jillian, went bungee jumping with Molly and went for a boat ride with Melissa. Great. Noted. Oh, here's something new. Each girl has made Jason a video message. I bet they're chock full of new information. Jillian thanks Jason a lot and calls him "Babe." She says she's crazy a-boat him and loves to imagine their life together. Molly calls Jason "J" and wants him to know she's serious about him and Ty. She's madly in love with him. Melissa says that her time with Jason has been the greatest of her life. He's made her comfortable loving him and she misses him and loves him. Jason's like, "Oh crap, this is going to be really hard on ME." He concentrates really hard on tearing up for us.

"One more take, guys. I got this."

Tonight's Rose Ceremony takes place in the great outdoors. Jason comes out looking like his suit is way too small and his head is way too big. What a doofus. He gives a speech about falling for all three of them for different reasons, but having to do something selfish by breaking one of their hearts and that really hurts him. Yes, him. And the first rose goes to... Melissa and her invisible family. The second and final rose goes to... Molly and her non-affectionate family. Oooh, goodbye Jillian! Canada has left the building!

Jason walks Jillian over to a bench to explain to her why he is right and she is wrong. He tells her that he has strong feelings for her, but their lives are very different and he's not sure he can keep up with her. Jillian says their lives aren't really that different and she's had a busy life because she's been single and been hoping to find the right person. Jason grasps for another excuse. He says that Jillian mentioned wanting to marry her best friend, and he's afraid that best friends are all they were. Jillian disagrees and says that they DID have more than that and that she's in love with him. Then she tells him about this dream she had where she was playing with Ty and Ty tried on a pair of her high heels. She thought it was really funny so she ran downstairs to show Jason, but Jason was sleeping on the couch so Jillian and Ty curled up next to him and they all had a family nap. I see what you're getting at Jillian, but I don't know how many dads want to hear a story about their toddler sons experimenting with high heels.

"Then he got into my lipstick... it was so sweet."

You are much better off, Jillian. You'll realize that after you've been released from the Jason bubble. On her Ride of Shame Jillian tells us that before this experience she was jaded about finding love. If you were jaded about love, would you go on The Bachelor? I mean, seriously. Jason's back at the bench trying to cry. Enough already.

"I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy."

Next week the girls meet Ty and Jason's family. Oh wait, next week is The Women Tell Nothing and we catch up with old Bachelors and Bachelorettes - PASS! The NEXT week is Ty and the fam, with a splash of DeAnna and a hysterical Jason followed by the Final Rose. Then we have a very special After the Final Rose where something so emotional happens that there is no studio audience involved. I'll believe it when I see it. And possibly not even then.

What'd you guys think??

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta