Thursday, April 02, 2009

Celebrity Apprentice: Have Another One!

bed making.jpg
"That's S-H-E-E-T, Princess."

Welcome back to another round of Celebrity Apprentice! Fresh off of last week's ego trip, the teams buckle down to participate for a minute in the service industry. Let's see how they do!

We begin in the VIP lounge with Brian McKnight telling us how proud he is that his team won. Translation: My concert was the best thing that ever happened to those salespeople and the viewing audience. I am the man. Melissa Rivers walks in after narrowly escaping termination and sings her sad song again about being personally attacked. She says that the Boardroom is so terrible that she's all the more motivated to beat the guys so she won't have to go back there.

Brian pays a visit to Youthville, USA to hand over his check. This is a charity that places children in foster homes. He sits down with the founders of the charity and tells them how wonderful he is for winning a challenge and gives them the $20,000. They are grateful and in return give Brian much flattery, telling him how smart and amazing he is. Good call, charity people. That's exactly the payment Brian McKnight was looking for.

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"Is that all, boy?"

Everyone heads over to Trump International Hotel to await instruction from his royal majesty, The Donald. Well guess which celebrity has been excused from today's festivities under the guise of "work." No, it's not Joan Rivers again. It's Khloe Kardashian! Who knew she was in such high demand? What is it, an appointment with the body sculptors that couldn't be postponed? An emergency party at Les Deux? The Donald tells the teams that this week their challenge will be to run a hotel, but it won't be Trump International, which is already in enough trouble. He introduces John Tisch, the head of Loews Hotels, who will be taking one for the proverbial team by allowing these yahoos to take over temporarily. John explains that the teams will be making up the rooms, bringing room service, acting as concierges, and their key objective is customer service and the guests' comments will decide the winner. Want to guess how many rooms each team will be in charge of? 100? No. 20? Wrong again. Five. Each team will have to take care of a whopping five hotel rooms during this challenge. I'm not saying it will be easy - especially if the guests know this is a challenge, but five? Come on, it's not even half of a floor. Heaven forbid these celebrities ever have to actually enter the work force. Now choose Project Mangers!

The girls choose T-Boz, who I keep forgetting is even here, and the guys decide to go with Dennis Rodman as a gesture of good sportsmanship. The Donald entreats Dennis to do a good job and stop making a mockery of his show. T-Boz looks worried.

T Boz worried.jpg"Maybe we can have a concert instead."

The girls brainstorm and decide that Joan Rivers should be the concierge because she knows New York and has connections to get people into places. In the guys' car Dennis is saying that they should have bodyguards and drivers for all of their guests. Yes, I know that when I check in to the Sheraton, the first thing I do is look around to see who they've lined up as my bodyguard. Brian McKnight's enormous contribution is to suggest putting fruit in the rooms. Why don't you put YOURSELF in the room, Brian, and give everyone a nice concert? I'm sure there's no way that could miss. Dennis talks a big game, but doesn't really say much of anything. He does volunteer to be the "front man," which could mean any number of things. Clint Black asks him if he could at least stop swearing. Fat chance.

The first thing the teams get to do is learn how to clean rooms and as you can imagine, none of them are happy about it. They don't even have to clean up after themselves, so why on earth would they be interested in cleaning up after strangers? They actually take notes on how to make a bed. Next they learn how to welcome people to the Loews Hotel, or how to work at the front desk, and finally they have a crash course in room service. Naturally, when the hotel employee mentions condiments Dennis Rodman can't pass up the opportunity to say, "Condoms?" Oh how I absolutely adore 10-year-old humor. So clever.

The guys discuss strategy and as concierge, Brian is back to his idea of having gifts in the rooms for the guests so Dennis suggests that they get cookies from Carnegie Deli to put in the rooms. Mmmmm, cookies. Dennis gets the cookie order underway and also arranges for two chauffeured Mercedes to be at their guests' leisure. Just as the team is about to break and begin getting everything ready, room service arrives with - what else? - two vodka cranberries for Dennis Rodman. For all of his crap talking I would think Dennis Rodman would drink something a little more intimidating than a Cape Cod, the male version of a Cosmo, but what do I know? Anyway, the point is that Dennis is drinking so fasten your seatbelts.

T-Boz is actually bright enough to assign each team member a responsibility so that everyone will have specific tasks. They decide to offer their guests complimentary breakfast, which would be enough right there for me to give them the win. Meanwhile Dennis, Brian and Clint hit up Carnegie Deli for their cookies and there are all these women taking pictures of Dennis. I had no idea he was still so interesting. Maybe it's just that he's freakish.

Even in the streets he's a target.

On the way back Dennis has an epiphany to park a Ferrari in front of the hotel. Everyone else, including me, can't see that this has anything to do with customer service and Dennis starts yelling that people look at people. Okay, so he's tipsy.

As the girls change clothes to do the cleaning portion of the task, Brande laments that this uniform is not as sexy as the French maid outfits she is accustomed to wearing. I hate to pop your bubble, Brande, but life is not one giant porno. I know, it's sad. Melissa immediately complains that her room is messier and more disgusting than the others, which obviously isn't fair. Basically every last one of them whines and bawls about having to clean. Poor, poor princesses. On the other hand, Jesse James and Hershel Walker bite the bullet and clean with nary a complaint. Jesse even proudly tells us that he "de-pubed the toilet." That is awesome. Imagine Brande's horror as she can't even stand the sight of regular hair.

Brande cleans.jpg
You realize it's all over your head, right Brande?

Natalie has tapped in to her golfing sponsorships and come up with some tasty looking gift baskets for the girls' rooms. As Brian is plating the Carnegie cookies, Dennis decides that he needs to take the cookies downstairs to the hotel chef, who will certainly have nothing better to do than decorate cookies for team KOTU. Keep in mind, this is five minutes before the guests will arrive for check in. Dennis gets down to the kitchen, orders another Cosmo, oops I mean Cape Cod, and hands off the cookies to an employee, telling him to put them on a platter with cheese, caviar and crackers. Sounds like an excellent combination.

When the guys' first guest arrives, they are obviously not ready to show him to his room. The girls, however, greet their guests with champagne and offer to get them tickets to a Broadway show. Dennis comes stumbling back and offers the waiting guest a drink, which leads him back down to the kitchen and of course, another drink for himself. Then he bonds with the guest over the strip joints in the guest's hometown of Vancouver. Class all the way. When the guy asks for Billy Elliot tickets, Dennis wants to know where that concert is at. Ha! Then some guests come in and want Brian to get them dinner reservations at the Waverly Inn, which Jesse James tells us is booked a year in advance. Dennis Rodman? Any miracle solutions?

As Joan Rivers greets another guest, John Tisch arrives to observe and report. He tells everyone not to mind him, he just holds their fate in his hands. Joan's latest guest is a fabulous gay man who tells her there will be five of them who would like dinner in the room and a bottle of champagne. The guys get a lady who announces that she would like tickets for Equus - seats on the stage, please. I looked into this and Equus is a play where Harry Potter appears naked and apparently has sex with a horse. Charming! Here is the show poster. Who's with me?

And I loved Amadeus.

The girls get some guests with a dog that will need to be walked and then a very special treat: Stephen Baldwin from the last season of Celebrity Apprentice! Joan tells him she has been saving their best room for him, which is the luxury suite (I call BS). She tells us that celebrities expect a little more a little faster. Yeah right, I'd say a LOT more, instantaneously. But apparently this is why Joan pulls out the luxury suite story. She tells Stephen Baldwin that there is a cabaret show right here in the hotel if he is interested. He says he'll take it and to get him a good table.

Stephen Baldwin.jpg
"Where's Claudia Jordan to open this briefcase?"

Meanwhile the guys get a treat of their own: Vinny Pastore, ALSO from last season's Celebrity Apprentice! The music and his attitude make it seem like he thinks he is an actual mobster, instead of an actor on a television series. He immediately demands a ten o'clock table at Rayelle's (or someplace - it's his birthday, you know) then a box of cannolis that MUST come from Ferrara's. He also needs a car to take him to work at Sirius - a Mercedes perhaps? - and a Roy Orbison CD waiting in his room. Oh and a cowboy hat like Clint Black's. Basically he goes out of his way to be totally obnoxious and demanding. As I recall he was something of a prima donna last season as well.

"What do you mean who am I? Make with the cannolis!"

The guys who want to eat at the overbooked (and I'd bet overrated) Waverly Inn call Brian and request a bottle of Acacia Chardonnay. Stephen Baldwin discovers that his room has a view of 61st Street, which he finds unacceptable and calls Joan Rivers to tell her so. Joan finesses him, telling him it's the best suite in the hotel and it's all for his privacy. He's semi satisfied. The Acacia Chardonnay guys find a note on their table telling them to enjoy their complimentary amenities, which of course there are none because Dennis took them down to the kitchen to be artfully arranged with caviar. They call Brian and want to know how their dinner reservations are coming. Brian tells them he'll get back to them in 15 minutes, and they are pretty irritated. Joan is across the way popping out reservations for dinner, Billy Elliot, peep shows, whatever you could want. She's very pleased with herself and all of her connections and thinks she'd make a great real-life concierge.

Ah it's time for Ivanka's weekly pop-in and all she is really able to ascertain is that Dennis is drunk. This is looking promising. The Acacia Chardonnay guys call again to see where their wine is that they ordered an hour ago. Brian's like, "Yeah, I'm trying to find that kind of wine for you..." and the guy goes, "It's on the menu!" Busted, Brian McKnight! You can't bring up one bottle of wine that's on the menu in over an hour? It may be time to get in there and start singing.

The gay guy's room begins to fill up with a whole slew of gay guys and they have a whole big list of requests. They want champagne, food, bathrobes - they're the ones who wanted to go to a peep show, by the way. Oh here comes Hershel Walker with the long-awaited Chardonnay order and he hands the guys a bottle of champagne. The guy goes, "We ordered Acacia Chardonnay." And Hershel goes, "A case of Chardonnay?" The guy tries to correct him, but to no avail. Hershel goes out into the hall and tells Dennis that the order is messed up and these guys actually want a case of Chardonnay.

Dennis and Hershel.jpg
"Red Alert! That's a CRATE of Chardonnay. Hurry!"

While Hershel starts panicking and calling Brian and Clint to tell them to place a new order for something now called "Acaysa" Chardonnay, Dennis reaches into the OTHER ice bucket Hershel has been wheeling around and pulls out a bottle of - what do you think? Acacia Chardonnay. He immediately takes it to the guests and takes their suits to be pressed. Hmm. That was a little issue called literacy right there. What's up, Hershel Walker?

The girls have taken yet another initiative and decided to provide turn down service for their guests. T-Boz deems that they need to switch out any dirty towels, which just ends up grossing her out, and then they leave another fat gift basket on the beds.

Is this even a contest?

Dennis returns with pressed suits for the wine guys and decides to invite himself on into their room. While he's in there they pester Brian again about their dinner reservation - which is supposed to be in 15 minutes - and of course Brian has nothing. They complain to Dennis that his team has no idea what they're doing so Dennis offers to get them into Tao. At this point they'll take anything so Dennis tells them he has a car all ready. As they get into the Mercedes Dennis decides he's going with them and heads right off to dinner. And why not?

The gay guys are busy running Natalie up and down the stairs with tons more requests, mostly for alcohol. They decide they like Annie better and start requesting her.

gay guys.jpg
"If you see a bunch of 'cops', don't worry. We ordered them."

Clint figures out that Dennis has flown the coop, so they call the driver and discover that he's out to dinner with the guests. The guys decide this might actually be better since he won't be messing everything up. It does actually appear that they get it together and complete all of their requests, but it could just be editing. Brande accomplishes the glamorous task of taking a dog out to take a dump. Service with a smile!

Uh oh, here comes Stephen Baldwin from his premium table at the cabaret to berate the girls for neglecting to tell him that there is a $400 cover plus $142 in fees for the cabaret. Wow. The Loews Regency has a lot of nerve because that is just insulting - I don't care how much money you have. Joan didn't think to tell him because he's a rich star, but that just won't do. She scrambles to come up with some kind of a discount.

Now Dennis has returned just in time to sexually harass a couple of young female guests on their way out. He starts yelling and screaming about having a good time in Vegas and New York, basically gibberish. Brian wants to know what ever happened to the cookies so Dennis heads to the kitchen for another drink. He comes back with a huge case of random cookies and slams it down in front of Brian, then declares that he's out of there. Jesse says that working with Dennis went from being funny to sad because he obviously has an alcohol abuse problem.

Bright and early the next morning the girls get a barrage of breakfast orders - they offered free breakfast, remember. Look who's back to help serve the food! Welcome Khloe Kardashian! One of the rooms also wants an in-room pedicure before breakfast. The guys stand around wondering why they aren't getting any breakfast orders. Try offering it for free, brainiacs. Dennis shows up but wants no communication with anyone. Jesse laments once again about what a disappointment Dennis Rodman is, what with being such a drunk. And speaking of smart people, Khloe gets a room service cart full of food and Natalie tells her that it needs to be delivered at 10:20. Since it's 9:40 Khloe takes it right up. It's 20 BEFORE 10, not 20 AFTER 10, so the guests are a tad miffed. They're trying to enjoy their pedicures, Khloe, for crying out loud! Khloe tells us that she's used to ordering room service, not delivering room service, so don't blame her. Nice try, Khloe. You have one thing to do, which is tell time, and you fail. You're an idiot.

Khloe wrong.jpg
"But I'm used to partying, not thinking. So leave me alone."

The same guests whom Khloe tried to feed early are mad at Joan for not telling them that the price of a pedicure DOUBLES if you have it in your room. Hello? It's probably like $85 to begin with or something even more obnoxious, so double would be truly irritating.

The guests fill out their comment cards and most of them have a complaint or two. The wine guys are thrilled to tears because they were escorted to dinner by superstar Dennis Rodman. They're so star struck that they seem to forget what retards the rest of the guys were.

It's time for the Boardroom! The Donald talks to team Athena first and all of the girls agree that T-Boz was an awesome Project Manager. Oh yeah, I forgot she was the Project Manager. I almost forgot she was around again. The Donald calls Khloe out for missing the first day of the task. What? Joan Rivers was gone for the first day of the last TWO tasks and no one said a word! Maybe The Donald knows there's no way Khloe's absence was legitimate. I mean, she's the sibling of a faux celebrity, give me a break. When the guest comments are brought up it turns out that the gay guys weren't exactly happy with Natalie, but the girls rush to her defense, explaining that those guys had one ridiculous request after another. The guys get mostly good comments, except that their guests had to wait a while to be shown to their rooms.

The Donald confesses that he only sent Stephen Baldwin and Vinny Pastore in to keep the teams on their toes, and they didn't fill out comment cards. Dirty trick. They guys probably spent half their day tracking down the Roy Orbison CDs. The Donald asks Dennis if he thinks they won and Dennis says no and starts in on one of his sob stories about how the guys wouldn't listen to him. The Donald asks Jesse what went down and Jesse says that Dennis has a drinking problem. Brian seconds this and so does Joan. The guys say that Dennis was a good leader until he started drinking because then he broke off from the group and just wanted to play. Dennis tries to play it off as the guys dropping the ball and he got so frustrated that he walked out. Jesse talks some more about how scary Dennis gets after he's been drinking for a while and that certainly wasn't a good atmosphere for a luxury hotel.

Jesse and Dennis.jpg
Is there any circumstance where Dennis Rodman
would be good atmosphere for a luxury hotel?

Dennis points at Jesse and says he's had a drinking problem since he was 14 years old. Jesse totally admits it, then says, "I stopped drinking almost nine years ago." He seems like a really good guy. Go Jesse. Then he says something really interesting. He's sitting between Hershel and Dennis and he says, "Two of the greatest athletes in the history of American sports right here. Look at the contrast." Wow. Dennis? Anything to say about that? Is it different in basketball than it is in football as far as your propensity for substance abuse? Jesse goes on to say that Hershel is even better in person than you would expect, but when people meet Dennis Rodman they're a little disappointed at what he is. Dennis keeps on with his usual line, saying the guys have never supported him, but Ivanka jumps in and says that they WERE supporting him until everything fell apart. The guys are actually really sweet through all of this, saying that they really wanted to believe in Dennis and wanted him to succeed, but they're very worried about the drinking, even beyond Celebrity Apprentice. This has turned into an After School Special.

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Will little Billy learn that lying is wrong?

Finally The Donald gets to announcing the winners. The teams were judged on a scale of 100 with a bunch of different criteria and the guys scored an 86. The girls scored 91. The girls win again! T-Boz gets emotional, which The Donald says is beautiful. He cracks me up. Such a tool. He says that normally he would send the women to the VIP lounge to watch, but today there is no reason for any of that and he knows that Dennis understands. He likes the real Dennis, but not what he's seen here. Dennis says everyone has always been threatened by him - which The Donald vetoes - and that he can kick anyone's ass at anything. The Donald asks for another comment from Jesse, who says, "Why doesn't he kick our asses at being a good person?" Aw, Jesse James, you are adorable! The consensus is that Dennis Rodman is a great guy, but the drinking gets in the way of that. The Donald says he let everyone down and therefore, he's fired. I think Dennis is so relieved and happy that he's going to rush out and have a drink. Or 20.

On his Cab Ride of Defeat, Dennis says he has no excuses and he's going to overcome this and come back stronger than ever. Hey, maybe he should call Dr. Drew and see about coming on the next season of Celebrity Rehab. Crossover!

Well, that was mighty interesting! I'm curious as to what the producers will use for shock value now that Dennis Rodman has left the building. What do you all think???

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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