Friday, April 10, 2009

Celebrity Apprentice: A "Little" Viral Video Never Hurt Anyone

Jesse scrubbed.jpg
Forward to 65 people or you don't know what funny is.

This week on Celebrity Apprentice we learn that there is not an original idea to be found anywhere in Trump Tower. We also learn that "viral" is apparently synonymous with "midget." Oh also, The Donald pretends to take a moral stand. Join me, won't you, for a dive into ignorance.

Our dubious celebrities regroup in the VIP lounge following Dennis Rodman's intervention. Everyone agrees - again - that Dennis Rodman is a great big ball of sunshine... until he drinks. I don't know about that, but I've never had the privilege of being the presence of such greatness myself. The guys hope that their team might actually be able to perform now that Dennis is gone.

T-Boz makes a trip over to meet with a guy from the Sickle Cell Foundation of Georgia. I used my seriously gifted brain to finally figure out that these "visits" with the charities must have been filmed all together long after taping wrapped on our weekly episodes. I mean, what, do they spontaneously fly a charity rep to New York each week for a five second encounter? You really think Robert Shapiro hopped on a jet for this crap? No way. Anyway, I digress. T-Boz tells us that she actually has sickle cell anemia, which is really sad. She gives the guy her $20,000, so let's get on with the episode.

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"This check is dated 2005."

Everyone meets up with The Donald to discover this week's challenge. But first The Donald has an announcement to make, and that is that Dennis Rodman called and announced that he's going to get some help. I have two words for that: Puh-lease! Get some help? That could mean anything, so nice try, Mr. Trump. I'm not buying. The Donald says that alcohol abuse is terrible and it ruins lives and he can't stand it. Just then we get a crash zoom on our favorite drunk driver, Khloe Kardashian. Ha! Also, Melissa Rivers is wearing some kind of cast because the giant stress of cleaning up after strangers in the hotel last week was just too much for her and she tore two ligaments. Hmm, I don't recall viewing anything to that affect. Whatever. The Donald proceeds to make the announcement he makes EVERY season of The Apprentice when the girls have won out over the guys so many times that there are hardly any guys left: we're mixing teams! I've honestly never seen it where the girls are dwindling or where it's even. It's ALWAYS the guys' team that has been annihilated, so the teams simply must be shuffled. Here's how it goes: KOTU now consists of Hershel, Clint, Joan, Natalie and Khloe. So Athena now includes Jesse, Melissa, Annie, T-Boz and Brande. The big news here is that Joan and Melissa Rivers will be pitted against each other. And here's another shocker: another celebrity had to be excused this week for "work." And that celebrity is... Brian McKnight. He's off giving a concert. Again, I ask where these people's schedulers are and why they're paid.

We are in some center for media - I can't understand The Donald - and Kevin and Shannon from All (the laundry detergent) are there to issue this week's challenge. Is All some kind of Irish company?

"We're a blarney stone's throw from County Cork!"

The teams have to create a 60 second video for All Small and Mighty (3 times concentrated) that will create a viral sensation on the interweb. They can use whatever tactic they'd like - humor, drama, shock, whatever - but the video must contain a product message. And just to make this completely random, Perez Hilton will be weighing in to give his opinion on what the teams come up with. Now choose Project Managers! Melissa is stepping up for Team Athena... because she has 15 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE PRODUCING. And Clint Black steps up for KOTU because he has directed 10 to 12 music videos and written two full-length screenplays. Newsflash, Clint Black. Everyone who lives in LA has written AT LEAST two full-length screenplays. Oh, then he goes on to say that neither of them have sold. Join the minions, Clint Black, join the minions. Little Donny and Ivanka will be observing everything. Ready... break!

The teams begin brainstorming as they drive away in their vans. Jesse James comes up with the idea of using a biker (how did he come up with that?), which Annie vetoes because bikers have been used in this capacity before. Oh, okay so Annie wants to do something original, something never seen before. Let's hear it, Annie. Are you ready for her groundbreaking idea? Jesse James being bathed by midgets. Midgets? Oh good call, Annie. No one's ever done anything like that before. Is she kidding? Midgets have been done to death. Anyone heard of the Wizard of Oz? That was 1939, people; this is not a fresh idea. Jesse immediately says he's not going to do that. Oh, thank goodness. It's not original or funny. The girls, however, are totally into this lame idea and pester Jesse to do it, claiming he's not a team player.

Over in the KOTU van Hershel Walker is missing because he had a prior engagement, but he'll be back in a few hours. Oh boy. He does call on the phone, though, to offer a suggestion. What do you think Hershel Walker suggests? Midgets. I give up. Seriously. Is it because the word "small" is in the product description? This is so incredibly stupid. Hershel thinks the viral video should be midgets bathing with All in a tub and then they get hung out to dry. May I vomit? Clint has another idea, which is a guy and a girl talking on the phone about sex, but using "laundry" as a code word. Then when the girl gets home the guy will say it was just a small load and he did it by hand. Um, gross. May I just point out that none of these ideas sound like something I would feel compelled to forward on to anyone? They're semi-amusing at best, and I'd probably be irritated if someone sent them to me. When I think of a viral video that I would pass along, I think of that child screaming and kicking in the supermarket while his dad stands there exasperated and then the words "Use Condoms" come up on the screen. That's great! It's clever and funny. I admit, though, this is a difficult task. I can't think of anything good to do with laundry detergent.

Team Athena sits down with Shannon and Kevin to eat some corned beef and cabbage and discuss what All is looking for. The target audience is women 25 and older. Jeepers, that's me! The team wants to know how far they can push the envelope and the All people say it's up to them. Oh great, I'm sure Rent-A-Midget is going into Melissa's speed dial as we speak.

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"9-6-3 M-I-D-G..."

Meanwhile Team KOTU hasn't come up with anything better than Clint's little double entendre. Kevin and Shannon show up with a pint of Guinness and basically put a damper on Clint's idea, but Clint is determined to march ahead anyway. The rest of the team thinks they need to rethink the whole idea and go with something more wholesome, even if it's not viral. Hmm, then you'll lose. It has to be viral, ladies... Clint. That's the challenge. Joan wants to do some skit where she spits in Clint's hamburger. Huh? Laundry detergent! Let's stay focused, people. Then she suggests mud wrestling, which COULD actually lead to laundry detergent, so of course they dismiss that immediately. Basically Clint puts his foot down as Project Manager, even though the execs didn't like it and his team doesn't like it.

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"Is that a spur I hear jingling as your boot stomps down in defiance?"

Jesse is still resisting his whole bath with midgets thing, so Annie shows him that the most popular searches for viral videos contain the word "midget." Oh good, then we know this is an original idea. The girls don't think anyone will be offended by little people. I'm slightly offended by the use of little people in this manner, but more just bored. It's such a snoozefest. Not thoughtful or clever at all.

Team KOTU's production crew arrives and Clint dives right in giving them directions for his stupid idea of a scenario. The rest of the team sits around the table wondering what they should do because Clint is not open to suggestions. What happens next is basically that Clint executes the challenge alone. He ignores anyone who tries to talk to him and just keeps giving the crew orders.

Little Donny drops in on Team Athena to find out what's going on. As soon as Melissa says the words "little people" Donny gets all thoughtful and asks if they really think women with children are going to be interested in watching little people. Oh, I know, I know the answer! No, they're not.

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"I'm a childless straight man and I don't even think it's funny."

Brande thinks twice, but no one else cares and on they go - following a brief debate over whether "midget" or "little people" is the appropriate terminology. The actors arrive, who are, of course, little people, and Jesse explains the scenario. Frankly, one of them seems a little put off by it. Donny asks them what they think and the put off one says, "It's better than being an Oompa Loompa." Wow, if that's not a glowing endorsement I don't know what is.

Well what a coincidence, Team KOTU's little actor also arrives! And not to be a total biz-natch, but he is not attractive. This is the man who will be using laundry detergent as lube. I already know I wouldn't forward this video to anyone. It turns out that not only is this actor not attractive, he is also not a good actor. In fact, he's so not good that they dismiss him, thank you very much. And Clint Black decides to step in as the pervert.

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Would YOU forward this?

Team Athena makes progress with their misguided commercial and Team KOTU makes what I guess is progress, even though the only person happy about what's going on is Clint. Joan, Khloe and Natalie take turns telling the camera how confused and frustrated they are because the idea is bad and Clint won't even talk to them anymore. Finally Joan puts her foot down and demands to know what is going on now that the little person has been dismissed. Clint's response is to tell us that Joan is being insubordinate, which for him is grounds for immediate termination. Okay, I'm finally beginning to see why Team KOTU has been complaining about Clint. He's kind of a bully. And in a quiet menacing way. He tells the team they don't need to do anything because he's got everything under control. Wow, he's really going this alone. Joan decides to take a nap, which is exactly what I would have done hours ago.

Team Athena is busy dressing up their little people to look like bottles of laundry detergent. Yeah, I'm still not laughing. I mean, I'm not going on a protest march, but it's really quite dumb. Nic, the grumpy little person, says he feels like an Oompa Loompa. I can't blame him, I mean they're wearing electric blue unitards and yellow construction hats.

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"I wore this same outfit for three jobs last week."

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"Midgets in costumes are funny! And original!"

Ivanka drops in on KOTU and when she hears what they are doing, she's not exactly impressed. She wonders why they're not using ideas from Joan who is a world famous comedienne. She even worries that people are going to be offended by this guy basically jacking off with laundry detergent. Hershel Walker returns just in time to get the brush off from Clint, who is busy filming a scene with a model in lingerie offering to "do the laundry" with him.

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"Step off, Hershel. Can't you see I'm indisposed?"

Hershel has no idea what any of this has to do with laundry detergent. Nothing, Hershel, that's what. On their way over to the editing studio Hershel suggests that they go in and put bubble captions over the actors' heads that contain funny thoughts they might be having. Hmm, that might be a step in the right direction, but I honestly don't know what can save this now. When they arrive, Clint goes into a room with the professional editor and locks the door. He tells us that no one on his team could have added anything to the editing process, so he told them to relax, which he hopes they'll take as a compliment. Yeah right, Clint. You're telling them they don't matter, I'm sure they're flattered beyond belief.

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"Clint Black is a dreamboat."

Finally Clint calls in the team to see the edited commercial and tells them to shut up until it's over. When they give their input, he dismisses all of it and says there is no time for anything. Of course Team Athena is working harmoniously editing their retarded video together.

At last it's time for The Donald to view the videos with the All executives. And we also get to see them. KOTU's is just stupid, big surprise. The executives don't seem to appreciate the double entendre. Team Athena's doesn't suck quite as hard as I expected it to because Jesse is charming in it and they make use of high speed camera work to show the little people scrubbing him clean. And now, in a random act of irrelevant promotion, these three geniuses call Perez Hilton to see what he thought of each video. Um, who cares?

"And I'm hosting the Bad Girls' Club reunion, be sure to get that."

Well, for whatever it's worth, he thinks KOTU's is stupid and Athena's is funny. Athena's video would appeal to gay or straight men. Shannon worries that neither of those are their target demographic and Perez agrees. He doesn't think either videos appeal to mothers. Here's something else about Athena's video: they have the grumpy little person start swearing, having a fit and storming off at the end. It makes absolutely no sense. And did I mention it's not funny?

Off to the Boardroom! The Donald starts with KOTU and Clint thinks they did okay. Joan says she's ashamed to have any part of it. It was dirty, stupid and offensive. But even though she didn't like it, she offered to do whatever Clint needed, but he wouldn't let her do anything. She hopes she never sees him again, she'll turn her back on him, she's throwing out all of his CDs and she's taking this very personally. Natalie agrees that this was a total misfire. She was in favor of regrouping after meeting with the executives, but Clint wouldn't have it. Hershel says it is stupid and he wouldn't send the video on to anyone. Melissa pipes up to defend her mother, but she also admits that sometimes her mom doesn't let people get a complete thought out of their mouths. She says that one of the problems is that Clint Black was trying to tell Joan Rivers what is funny. Good point, only one of them is a professional funny person.

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Can you tell which one?

The Donald decides to play both videos for everyone. Ugh, we have to sit through this crap again? KOTU's is first and The Donald goes on and on about how hot the girl is who appears in her underwear. Why is that relevant? The task was to create a viral video and they created total poo. The Donald has a lot of trouble refraining from the grody objectifying comments. When Athena's video airs Khloe, Joan and Natalie giggle, but I think it's mostly to rub it in Clint's face and not because this was actually funny. There is much questioning as to whether this is appropriate for the intended demographic, and the judges wonder why the swearing fit at the end. So it's decision time and what Donald announces is that the executives hated both videos. They thought Athena demeaned little people and used offensive language, and that KOTU made what was almost a porno when they were supposed to be appealing to women. The Donald agrees that both videos suck and instructs both Clint and Melissa to bring two people back with them because two people are getting the boot. Melissa says that she asked for volunteers and T-Boz volunteered to come back with her, then she randomly picks Brande as well. Clint picks Khloe and Natalie, which is odd since he was so irritated with Joan.

The Donald starts with Athena and all three reiterate that it was just a dream project working with Melissa and everyone pulled their weight and did a great job. What rubs The Donald the wrong way is that T-Boz VOLUNTEERED to come back to the Boardroom. He asks if she's heard of Bradford. Oh I remember him. He once volunteered to come to the Boardroom so The Donald fired him. Never put yourself in harm's way. T-Boz, you're fired. Oh this is BS. It's just because she flies under the radar and doesn't make for exciting television. Now out you go, Team Athena. Joan is beyond relieved to see Melissa walk in to the VIP lounge.

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"Now who's this Bosworth?"

Now onto Team KOTU. Never mind that Clint was a horrible leader who produced a horrible video. Never mind that he wouldn't listen to anyone and missed the mark completely. Do you know what the main issue is here? Well I'll tell you. The issue here is that last week Khloe Kardashian was gone to tend to some legal issues having to do with her DUI. The Donald claims to have had no idea that Khloe had a DUI before she came on this show. Really? I'd be surprised if most of these people didn't have DUIs. The Donald knows three, count them, three families that have lost children to drunk drivers. People who drive drunk are horrible and he's lost respect for Khloe. And after kicking Dennis off last week he can't just sit here and do nothing regarding Khloe. The Donald is giving $20,000 to Khloe's charity because they shouldn't have to pay for her criminal behavior, but Khloe's fired. Get. Oh, someone suddenly sprouted morals?

Okay, so clearly what happened here is that The Donald felt the need to get rid of the dead wood. These were two totally random firings of people who weren't interesting to watch. Maybe the ratings are suffering, who knows? But this was not based on performance in the game. Oh well. This can only mean that we have big drama ahead, right?

So what did you think of these "viral videos?" They were no cat getting stuck to a ceiling fan, I'll tell you that. Did The Donald make a good decision - even though it was clearly with ulterior motives? What are we in for now?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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