Models of the Runway: Threefold Mission of the Model

Keine so schön als Heidi, natürlich!

(None as beautiful as Heidi, of course!)

Welcome, beloved readers, to the latest installment of my life as a recapper. It is my extreme pleasure to be bringing you my thoughts and impressions on the spanking new companion piece to Project Runway, Models of the Runway! I am extremely pleased for several reasons. First, after SEASONS of recapping shows that some idiot somewhere has deemed to be worthy to run for TWO HOURS of precious primetime programming, I have, by the good graces of the glorious Flipit, been assigned a show that is merely 30 minutes in length. I am already in love! Chances of my becoming bitterly disenfranchised before the end of episode one have shrunken considerably. Second, this show deals with Project Runway, which, as we all know, is one of the greatest things ever to grace the small silver screen. And lastly, this show is about models. MODELS!! The jokes are practically already written! Well, at least the jokes have already been cast and are ready to move into their cramped modelplex. Let's find out what deep meaning is hiding behind their emaciated faces.

Presumably you have already watched this week's episode of Project Runway because we pick up right before that leaves off. The first Project Runway model ever to prove she has a voice is Erika, Ari Fish's model. Ari Fish is the mess of insanity who designed a metallic soccerball halter top/hoodie and tried to pass it off as red carpet wear.

She doesn't even want to wear it on the green carpet.

Erika knows she's on thin ice because very often the designers become quickly attached to their models, therefore leaving the losing designer's model with little hope of continuing on in the competition. Remember, with each designer to be "auf-ed," a model must go also. Speaking of which, I paid a little visit to this show's website on Lifetime.com and found that each model has answered a series of VERY important questions to help us get to know them. Examples are: how many shoes do you own? And do you like fast food or gourmet? If you have trouble sleeping, head over there quick. Anyway, the most amusing question was what each model's strategy is to win this competition. Beg your pardon? The models have nothing to do with it. Whichever model happens to be paired with the winning designer in the end will win. I know Lifetime is trying to spin this like these girls can somehow vie to be chosen by specific designers, but seriously - they have very little say in the matter. The most they can do is not fall down, show up to work (anyone catch that BS on the all-star challenge?), and for crying out loud, tell the truth on their measurement cards! More on that later. Regardless, each girl thinks she has a strategy to win. Don't worry your (questionably) pretty heads, ladies. Just continue to do the job of hangers, thank you very much. Leave the winner-deciding to Heidi, Michael, Nina and the rotating bizarro guest judges.

The second model we meet is Vanessa, who pipes in that the outfit Erika had to model looks like "a spacesuit from outer space." Ah, model talk. Heidi Klum pops up to do the opening credits and tells us that the model paired with the winning designer (notice she didn't say "winning model") will receive a fashion spread in Marie Claire magazine and $25,000 from L'Oreal. Aim for the stars, girls. You know how the careers of all the previous models-paired-with-winning-designers have exploded. HA!

Now we meet Katie, who claims to be 22, but looks older to me. Katie is the very fortunate model whose designer, Christopher, won the first challenge.

"My strategy is totally working!"

Christopher prances backstage to the models' holding tank to jump around with Katie and throw her a little bit of credit for the win. Eh, I don't think so, but carry on, as Tim Gunn would say. Katie says that the winning look was just SO everything she is. You WALKED Katie. Calm down.

"Yes, but I walked like THIS!"

Erika says that as models it is their job to be made up and styled however the designers see fit, even if they the models don't like it. And if they don't do their job as models they don't deserve to stay. Could someone please tell the little brats on America's Next Top Model that philosophy? Honestly, you are there to be a Barbie doll, not to choose your own look and scream and cry when someone cuts two inches off your hair. Back to the present. Ari Fish walks sheepishly into the model tank to tell the girls they all did a good job and thank Erika for being brave enough to wear the piece of crap she designed. The models try to kiss up, saying they found Ari to be very creative. She's out, girls, you can save it.

"Got a spaceship to catch!"

Oooh, let's meet Yosuzi, the model who had to grace the runway wearing basically a poncho made out of pantyhose material. This time around I realize that Yosuzi says she is from Venezuela. The first time I watched I could have sworn she said Minnesota and I was ready to jump all over her for that accent. But since English is not actually her first language, the accent is charming instead of moronic.

"My heeps are only 23 eenches."

See, what happened with Yosuzi is that her measurement card was inaccurate, forcing Mitchell, her designer, to have to tear apart what he'd created for her to wear and start all over with no time left, resulting in this:

Basically a sheer tent. Mitchell did cry to the judges that the measurements he was given were inaccurate, but Heidi told him that's no excuse - you have to expect models to lie. Whaaaa? So what's the point of the measurement cards then? If they're all lying, wouldn't the designers be just as well off guessing on everything? My first thought was that it couldn't possibly be Mitchell's fault, but who knows what actually happened? Thankfully in the end, the space suit from outer space was worse than the nylon poncho, so Mitchell will get another chance.

In the meantime, Heidi has sent the models a bouquet - pretty girls deserve presents, you know. Just for being pretty - ask the world. And Heidi wants to see everyone in their own clothes on the runway. The models come streaming out to gaze into the face of their idol.

"Dream on, girls, but you'll never be mich!"

One model named Emarie gushes all over to the camera about how amazing Heidi is for being a successful businesswoman, being a mom and loving her man. This shows women all over the world that they can have it all. I highly disagree. All it shows ME is that Heidi Klum can have it all. Most women don't have the cash flow Heidi's raking in to pay for a team of nannies to properly raise their children while they're out "handling their business." They also don't have the looks Heidi has to ensure the continuity of said cash flow. They also aren't married to other famous celebrities, and so on and so forth. But that's okay Emarie. You keep right on trying to have it all! We'll sit back and have a laugh.

Heidi welcomes the girls to the show and tells Katie that she's already very lucky. Having been paired with the first winning designer, Katie will be attending a special Emmy event and she will get to bring along a friend! Katie picks Tara, then tells us that she loves Tara because Tara is the only model as dumb as she is. Seriously? Is Katie under the impression this is something to be proud of? Honey, those looks aren't lasting very long, and PS, the day of the Supermodel is O-V-E-R. No one knows who any of you are anymore, so before you're mentally cashing your $25,000 (before taxes) check, you might want to think about learning to read. Heidi tells the girls it's time for them to move into the modelplex and that she'll see them later on the runway, when one of them will be OUT.

"Me and Katie are dumb. It's funny 'cause it's true."

Trying to steer away from any kind of Barbie stereotype, the producers have decorated the downtown LA modelplex in raging tones of hot pink. Pretty girls love hot pink didn't you know? Kalyn, a model from Texas, which was obvious before she said anything, tells us that pink is one of her favorite colors. Aw, I bet Kalyn has lots of favorite colors, like blue, purple, red, orange, green and yellow too! It's kind of funny watching the 6 foot tall 90 pounders trying to heft their suitcases up one flight of stairs without fainting dead away. Isn't there some straight guy around to do that for them? Certainly none of them have ever had to carry their own things before. Celine, the token Asian model, wonders how tiny this apartment can be to house 16 girls. Only 16 for a few more minutes, Celine. Then 15, 14 and on down. Don't try to count backwards. Vanessa, who is riding the Christy Turlington lookalike wave, frets about choosing a closet that the other girls can easily get to because she has heard horror stories about model houses where the skinny bitches steal everything and force feed you in your sleep.

"Like I one time woke up with the taste of CARBS in my mouth!"

We meet Kojii, who is not from Japan, but from Dublin, Ireland. No brogue, unfortunately. That might have made her interesting. She tells everyone that she has a two-year-old daughter, and then she tells us that sometimes she is torn and feels like she should just be a mom. But then at other times she thinks she needs to follow her dreams so that her daughter can see it's possible. I don't know what exactly to think about this. I mean, she couldn't have been a model BEFORE having her daughter, who now - at two years old - just wants someone to change her diaper, whether or not it's a runway model? It's quite the all-consuming career dream to have with a small child depending on you completely. It's not like Heidi Klum, who is more at her leisure to command her time and energy now with her small children. I'm not trying to crush any dreams here, I'm just wondering aloud about pursuing the catwalk from the very bottom up and starting while you have a toddler. Sensible? But these are models and we are not here to admire their sense, so on with the show!

"When I win, me baby will join me for a pint!"

So Katie and Tara head off to their "Emmy event" which turns out to be a series of gift stations set up so that rich people can get free stuff. Some redheaded guy meets them and welcomes them to the "style lounge." The point of these things at events like the Emmys is for businesses to get celebrities to wear and use their products so that they might be photographed in them, resulting in free advertising. I understand it, but doesn't it just seem vastly unfair that those with the most get more? Argh. Anyway, to reinforce the idea that accidental beauty deserves material reward, Katie and Tara get to go around collecting lavish gifts - for doing nothing.

"Thank goodness we didn't waste any time in college!"

It's not like they designed the winning outfit - heck, Tara didn't even MODEL the winning outfit, but around they go, collecting leather boots, bags, and much more. At one point Katie says she's going to bring her designer a diamond bracelet and I'm thinking, "that's nice, and appropriate since he's to thank for her even being here," but then she says that what she would do is show him the bracelet, tell him that's what she got, so he better keep winning. And just like that, I'm off Katie.

Meanwhile Erika has set up an emergency meeting with her modeling agent, Crista, to see if she can do anything to avoid elimination. She walks up and down for her agent, who says it's good, but to not do that little "kick start" at the beginning of the walk because the kick start is New York, but it's New York two years ago. Cha! I myself have seen NONE of those little kick starts in Manhattan since 2007. What is Erika thinking? If she thinks she's going to be paired with the winning Project Runway designer using a 2007 kick start in her runway repertoire, she can think again! Erika tells us she's competitive and she has to prove she can walk down that runway. This is silly, what are the other models doing?

Katie and Tara come home to the modelplex to brag and make the other girls cry. And cry they do - or at least scream and whine really loud. Mostly they look on jealously and pout, which is an important skill in their line of work. They get ready to go to sleep in their IKEA duvet covers all fretting about what will happen in tomorrow's elimination.

And here we are back on the runway. Heidi trots out in leopard print to greet the designers who are seated in front of her. She informs everyone that this season in order to add suspense to the model companion show, the designers will choose models before each and every challenge. And out come the models in matching black slips to stand and be chosen in a lineup - much like prostitutes. Oops, did I write that out loud? Christopher is the winning designer, so he chooses first and he chooses Katie, so I guess she can threaten him with her diamond bracelet now. Heidi then draws names out of a bag so that the rest of the designers choose their models in random order. As this goes on Yosuzi tells us that her designer, Mitchell, badmouthed her in order to make himself look good. Then we watch the clip of Mitchell bawling about the incorrect measurement card. Mitchell claims that things were rocky with his model, so he's switching and takes Texas Kalyn from Qristal.

"Then she did the 2007 kick start, which ruined even the poncho!"

Yosuzi acts very put upon, but what does she expect? Besides not showing up, lying on your measurement card is probably the fastest way to screw over your designer. Does Venezuela use the metric system? Was that the problem? Anyway, the rest of the ceremony is pretty uneventful since we aren't very familiar with many designers OR models yet. Some designers keep their models, others switch it up. Then as Ebony is chosen and runs offstage, she totally slips and falls on her butt. Heidi yells out "are you okay?" just in case anyone missed it and everyone has a little giggle. But seriously, that could have been a death sentence. After all, besides failing to show up and lying on measurement cards, falling is the worst thing a model can do. As we come down to the end, it turns out that Yosuzi is the unfortunate model who is out. Aufwiedersehen, Yosuzi! Fill out that measurement card carefully next time. She tells the camera that obviously her designer was very inexperienced and probably won't get far. HA! Someone seems to be a little confused about which group of talent is disposable in this scenario. Viel Gluck, Yosuzi, but you ain't all that. Look around, there are plenty just like you. And they wrote down their real measurements, presumably.

Next week Erika is up for an Arby's commercial - ooh, high fashion comes knocking! Also, the models are all in love with Logan the designer. The plot thickens! Let's see who manages to show up, tell the truth and remain standing upright - three VERY large challenges for models. If only that's all regular people had to achieve... then we could all be Heidi Klum having it all.

What do you think? Are you excited to finally see what goes on behind the runway? Any faves so far?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta