Sunday, January 03, 2010

Jersey Shore: Bonding in the Aftermath

J Skunk and Snooki.jpg
"We're like, blood sistas now!"

SO! We've had two entire weeks to digest the big black screen that represented Snooki getting her lights punched out by a total pig. This week on Jersey Shore we are promised much roomie bonding in the aftermath of said punch. Let's see what they've got.

We return to the scene of the crime to review the events leading up to the punch. Not only is Mike telling the jerks to help themselves to the roomies' shots, he's also sticking his hand in Snooki's face, as in telling her to shut up. You're a great pal, Mike. I'd love to have you around in a sticky situation. We go to black, then see Snooki writhing in pain on the floor holding her face, then immediately the guy who hit her is swarmed by everyone nearby. I see J-Skunk pounding on him - awesome, and then his friends push him out onto the street where this happens:

At least he dressed up to go to jail.

Meanwhile the girl roomies gather around Snooki to help her and two cops step in and grab the hitter. The guy roommates are right behind screaming at him about hitting a girl. Then they corner one of his friends, who stands there with both hands up in surrender mode. There are cops all around, so the guys have no choice but to walk away, with Vinny kicking a garage door for emphasis. He looks pretty tough in his wickety wack plaid baseball cap.

Snooki is in the bathroom freaking out - who wouldn't be? She asks repeatedly if she has missing teeth, but she doesn't. Some sort of EMT is outside and he looks her over then sends her home with ice packs. It doesn't look like she's severely injured, but I can't even imagine how violated she must feel after being attacked like that. At least MTV was decent enough not to show it... oh wait - they put it all over the interweb as promotional material, never mind. All the roommates are ready to go home and comfort Snooki - except Mike. He's trying to close the deal with some girl.

Can you see the uncontrollable desire in her face?

Ronnie sums this up better than I ever could: "I don't know what Mike was thinking about. Snickers is like crying because she got punched in the face and like, The Situation's creepin." HA! I thought creepin' was sitting back really far in the driver's seat with your hand resting on the top of the steering wheel while you drive really slow and check things out. Maybe it doesn't need to be in a car. Maybe I'm just old. Anyway the point is that Mike is much more concerned with his latest female project than about his battered roommate. Just like he was more concerned with buying the perpetrator shots than with protecting his roommate. He finally gives up and goes home with everyone else, and all the way home the guys are swearing vengeance and talking about what will happen if they ever see any of those guys again. Yeah, yeah. Snooki says all she wants is her father and she curls up on her bed. That sucks.

Ronnie asks Mike why on earth he was buying shots for the guy who hit Snooki and tells him he was an instigator. I'm glad someone noticed. Mike's all oblivious, of course - his mind is still on that girl he couldn't close and he's on the floor eating Doritos, taking care of his amazing physique, as always.

Mike Doritos.jpg
"Who got hit?"

Ronnie goes upstairs to tell Snooki that everyone f-ing loves her and she's got to realize that. She's wondering where her guidos were at while she was getting punched in the face. It's a valid question, but seriously, who saw that coming? It was so random and unexpected - for them at least. For us it was like the millionth time seeing it so we knew exactly what was happening. We would have been there for you Snooki! Ronnie takes it a little too far, saying they almost went to jail for her. I guess if kicking a garage door is a jailable offence, then maybe Plaid Cap almost did, but the rest were all talk. Mike slides in during the last seconds of this conversation and is like, "Yeah me too." Ronnie is pissed now because not only is Mike not sincere, but he was also the one standing right there when Snooki got hit and he didn't do anything about it. We get a flashback and it's absolutely true. Mike just stands there watching while everyone else jumps on the hitter. THEN, all Mike wants to do is creep. Sammi concludes that Mike isn't a good friend, but Ronnie is.

The next morning Ronnie and Sammi are snuggling in bed while someone is pounding away at the front door. These visitors are Ronnie's family and they are ready to play! When Ronnie finally lets them in they are all antsy because he's not ready to go out to eat yet - remember they woke him up. He tells them he'd also like to wait for Samantha (Samantha?) and his mom goes, "All right, is Samantha going to sleep till like three?" HA! She's actually in the shower, but Ronnie's dad is all, "Let's not make this an all-day event!" These people are FUNNY! They are totally the opposite of my parents, who would be like, "So sorry, did we wake you up? Are we intruding? Shall we come back another day? Do what you need to do sweetie, we just want to spend time with you." Not Ronnie's family! They are just like all the guidos in the house, but older, and with children. No wonder these kids act this way - so do their parents! They keep asking what's taking Sammi so long and we see her daintily spreading lotion on her legs. She tells us she hopes Ronnie's family thinks she's pretty. Oh yes by all means - your boyfriend's family MUST think you're pretty. Who cares about nice, smart, good for Ronnie, etc. She hopes they think she's pretty. Ronnie's mom, who is bright orange, laments that she could have been getting her tan on right now.

Ronnie's mom.jpg
And she certainly doesn't mean in the ACTUAL sun.

Snooki comes out on the patio to meet Ronnie's family and Ronnie tells everyone about her getting hit. Ronnie's mom goes, "Oh hell no! And you guys didn't like boom bash him?" Then she wants to go back to that bar to look for him. Wow, she's tougher than Vinny. Definitely tougher than Mike. Just when Ronnie's mom is about to blow a gasket from waiting for Sammi, Sammi appears in her short shorts and t-shirt. I expected a prom gown and elaborate updo after all that, but here we are. Ronnie's mom knows exactly what to say, "You look beautiful, sweetheart!" Aw, that's nice. They head to the carnival games where Ronnie wins Sammi a bear and Sammi talks in baby talk all day. Well, at least they think she's pretty.

J-Skunk takes Snooki out to get some food and alcohol. They decide to get drunk to deal with all the commotion of last night. Poor Snooki is having trouble drinking without a straw because her mouth is practically swollen shut. It looks very painful. Later after Ronnie's family leaves Snooki calls the jail hotline and learns that her attacker has been released on bail.

jail hotline.jpg
"Thank you for calling 911. If someone near you is being killed, press 1."

First of all, there's a jail hotline? That's the coolest thing I've ever heard. Do you need a secret code? A password? Do you need to have pressed charges? If anyone knows, fill me in on that one. Secondly, Snooki is freaked out that he's been released. Yeah, that's understandable. She wouldn't want to run into him again. J-Skunk comforts Snooki by inviting her to go tanning after she gets her nails done. Sammi comes too and it's a regular Jersey Shore girls' day out! In the car J-Skunk wants to know if Sammi and Ronnie have had sex. Well, Sammi is much too demure to talk about that with her roommates - she'd rather tell the camera. But she does confess that she really likes Ronnie and hopes things work out after the show. Especially now that his family thinks she's pretty.

At home Pauly D places a call to Carmine, the owner of Karma, to tell him that he is a celebrity DJ in Rhode Island and would like to do the Jersey Shore a favor by making an appearance at Karma. Carmine is overwhelmed with star struck awe and gratitude, so he begs Pauly D to come spin. Pauly D condescends to appear at Karma and "throw down a sick mix" for all the lucky clubbers. He is, of course, certain that this will help him bring home some chicks.

In the kitchen Mike has some live lobsters he has purchased in preparation for a dinner at home for Snooki after her traumatic encounter. He looks around and announces that he thought there would be more work involved in creating this glorious feast, but "The Situation has it under control." Yes, you are the man, Mike. Cook your lobster. Snooki comes home and gets up on a high horse seeing the lobster about to be killed. She tells us she is a vet tech, so she saves animals; she doesn't kill them. Do veterinarians do a lot of work on lobsters? And don't you probably have to know how to read to be a vet tech? I wonder if she means "vet janitor" or "vet stylist." She doesn't eat freaking lobster because it's alive when you kill it. Uh Snooki? All animals are alive when you kill them. A vet tech should know that. Suddenly Mike is insulted, saying that this dinner is going to take a lot of time and preparation, and he can't believe the girls aren't helping. Okay, Mike? This was YOUR grand vision. No one is obligated to help if you volunteered to make everyone dinner. And I think we have a pretty good sense of just how willing and helpful these people are - not a lot. Secondly, I thought The Situation had it under control. You can't buy it and sell it, so pick a side and shut up.

As everyone sits around the table Snooki gnaws on a piece of steak because she can barely open her mouth.

Snooki eats.jpg
"Meat is murder."

I wonder if she is aware that the cow that steak came from was alive when someone killed it. The meat was not surgically removed. After dinner Sammi is pissed at Mike for not clearing his own plate. Mike, of course, thinks he has earned dish immunity for life since he cooked, but Sammi isn't having it. Mike is an ass. He VOLUNTEERED to cook - no one owes him anything. On the other hand, it wouldn't kill Sammi to carry one plate from the table to the counter. I think her clip-on extensions would survive.

Mike's plate.jpg
Behold the plate of a king.

Mike determines that Sammi is henceforth excluded from any dinner he makes since she won't be his maid. Ronnie finally picks up Mike's plate and takes it into the kitchen. I dislike Mike more and more.

The next day Ronnie and J-Skunk have a shift at the t-shirt store and they take the opportunity to discuss how much they also dislike Mike. The main issue is how he provoked the girl punch incident and then flew in at the tail end of Ronnie's friend speech to take credit as well. Later the roomies all head to F Cove (I think that's what they said), which is a place where a bunch of boats come to park and party. The roomies hop on a boat called "Furgetabowdit" and the boat captain takes them over to the cove. The cove is basically "Furgetabowdit" cloned 100 times.

F Cove.jpg
Can you smell the hairspray?

It's crawling with skanky orange guidos and guidettes, all looking to meet each other. See, this is where I personally draw the line at social activity. It's hard enough being self conscious about your looks fully (or mostly) clothed in a dark club. Who wants to parade around in broad daylight in a bikini being judged on your appearance? It's like the Rehab party at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas. A friend once tried earnestly to get me to go, but I can't do it. Nope. But the guidos can!

J Skunk F Cove.jpg
J-Skunk visits a boat from the 70s.

Everyone drinks, jumps onto other boats, floats in the water, and pretty much tries to hook up. Vinny tumbles off the back of the boat and Pauly D brags about how his hair didn't move an inch even though he was jumping in and out of the water the whole time. You don't say. That hair would survive a nuclear blast. The guys all feel bad for Ronnie, who is happily trapped on their boat with Sammi - because they get to party and dance with all these stranger skanks. Poor, poor Ronnie. Who'd want guaranteed action from a girl he actually likes when you can try and fail every night to sleep with the local trash? Snooki is pissed because just as she found a guy she wanted to hang with Ronnie came and grabbed her and threw her in the lake because it was time to go home. Wah, wah, wah.

The next scene is hilarious. It's another glimpse into the world of guido game presented by Mike and Pauly D. They have a miniature rolodex of numbers they've collected from girls and they are going through the numbers, inviting girls over to see who might actually bite. It's just funny to me how very little they care about WHO they hang out with, as long as someone shows up and there is a chance they might have sex. How flattering for these girls. It's also hilarious how many of the girls either don't pick up or blow them off. Not as sexy as you thought, eh boys? After many failed attempts a girl finally answers her phone and agrees to come over with two of her friends. Mike and Pauly D jump around and high five, as if this was easy for them! They had to go down a list! This show should be called Delusion Shore.

high five.jpg
"I only had to get to number 8 this time, bro!"

As Ronnie gets ready to go out, he says he thinks Mike and Pauly D are "going fishing" again tonight and will probably scrape something off the boardwalk, so the rest of the roomies are going to Bamboo. I like Ronnie more and more.

Three girls come over and Pauly D tells us that these girls are smart, but they want to hook up. But it will probably take a couple of times hanging out before they'll hook up because they're not whores. Ah, true Jersey Shore ladies. No sex till hang out number two. As the group sits around flirting Mike announces to everyone that he likes "his" girl so much that he is taking her out for lunch AND dinner tomorrow. Wow, he's pulling out all the stops this time. The whole rejection scene must be getting old. Vinny explains to us that there are some girls who will strip right down and go in the hot tub (the usual fare) and other girls who actually have to be treated like human beings (aw man), and the girls tonight are of the second variety. What a pain.

Over at Bamboo some girls have started taunting our guidettes + Ronnie, who announce that they are on short leashes tonight (meaning short fuses), so when one of them asks J-Skunk who her fat friend is - meaning Snooki - J-Skunk throws a drink in her face. Unfortunately the camera man is zeroed in on Snooki's swollen, hurt expression so we don't get to see the drink-throw, only the results, which is a hair-pulling, arm-flailing extravaganza.

girl fight.jpg
That bouncer is experiencing "fringe benefits."

There are immediately 36 bouncers (BAM and BOO) all over the girls, so Snooki is sad she didn't get to take part. J-Skunk tells us if she'd had three more seconds then justice would have been served. I kinda like that J-Skunk wasn't about to let Snooki get disrespected again. And there's nothing like a good hair-pull. How do their weaves stay in?

Back at the house the visiting girls are getting ready to leave and of course, Mike is all up in his girl's face, trying to convince her of his everlasting devotion. She keeps saying that she knows how this works and she knows about stuff. Then we cut to Mike tearing up the stairs to tell Pauly D that the word on the boardwalk is that Mike and Pauly D are hooking up with everybody. Instead of being concerned that this reputation might jeopardize his chances with a girl he's actually interested in, Mike and Pauly D are once again elated. They jump on their beds, they fist bump, they've made a name for themselves in Jersey.

fist bump.jpg
"Maybe tomorrow I'll only have to get to number 6!"

Congrats, losers. Not to mention that this is a false rumor. So far I've only seen them TRYING to hook up with everybody. Maybe the falseness makes them even happier. Delusion Shore.

Kicked out of Karma, the roomies walk home and Snooki tells J-Skunk that she totally killed the girl whose hair she pulled. She says she smacked her around and the girl was just protecting herself with her hands. Uh, that's not exactly how it happened, but it was entertaining, so carry on.

The next morning it's - uh oh, Mike's cooking again. Now everyone will owe him their lives. He also starts another fire by spraying too much Pam into a tiny skillet on a hot burner. Not as big as the fire I started in my kitchen the other day, but at least I wasn't being filmed - true story. I got it out with lots of flour. Uh oh again. Pauly D is busting out his DJ equipment and it's COVERED in Italian flags. These people are as bad as Canadians except they're not even from the country of the flag they're displaying.

DJ stuff.jpg
DJ Pauly Delvecchio - who has never even visited Italy.

Mike decides it's time to call Stephanie - the girl from last night who told him about his reputation. They made plans to have lunch AND dinner today, if you'll recall. Well guess who's not answering her phone! He calls and calls and... nothing. Aw, poor Mike put all his eggs in one basket and look what happened. Where's the list of 10 girls to call for lunch, Mike? Sammi's on the couch laughing at him, which is just where I'd be too. I don't even need to call him a loser again because he's painted the picture himself.

Mike stood up.jpg
Embarrassing situation.

Someone who's getting a little more attention from the opposite sex is J-Skunk, who is on the phone with her boyfriend learning that he sent her a package that she hasn't seen yet. Then in walks Ronnie with a huge box of roses - blue roses. Apparently these are the rarest kind of roses. Ronnie and Pauly D wonder what is the matter with her boyfriend - sending her roses after finding out she cheated on him. Ronnie says he would have sent her a picture of his privates with a pack of bubble gum and a note that says "Chew on this." OMG, that is so funny. Ha ha ha! How IS it that Ronnie is getting endearing? I don't understand it! He's turning out to be the sanest one here.

Tonight is Pauly D's big Jersey Shore DJ debut, so the guys all get (another) haircut and the girls get dressed up in their skankiest. J-Skunk is wearing a t-shirt and panties, I kid you not.

J Skunk panties.jpg
Sorry, the fishnets really class it up.

The club isn't too crowded so it's mostly the roomies listening to Pauly D "on the ones and twos."

Pauly spins.jpg
Doing the Jersey Shore a big old favor.

Ronnie is out there doing his spastic seizure moves when Sammi announces that she wants to go home - presumably to have sex. The other roomies try to get them to stay and support their celebrity roommate since there's no one else at the club, but they're off. Peace. As if Mike or Pauly D wouldn't be out of there so fast if there were a chance of sex. Please. While Mike tries desperately to get a girl, any girl to pay attention to him, Vinny hits it off with a girl named Tonya with a huge tattoo on her arm. He calls her a cougar since he's only 21. Vinny is only 21? I don't know why I'm surprised to learn that. So they start kissing, then walk down the street when she says, "I love Danny." Vinny's like, "Who?" and it turns out that Tonya and Danny went out to dinner earlier so now Vinny is certain that he's stolen the boss's girl.

boss's girl.jpg
"My name is... wait. I know this. My name is... hang on..."

He starts freaking out and Tonya keeps saying, "Wait, wait." But he won't let her get a word in. It's unclear whether she's actually Danny's girlfriend or what, but we end with them writhing around on the hood of a car, classy-like.

Next week we learn whether this was actually a girlfriend of Danny's or if it was just a friend and this is all to create suspense - I vote for the latter. Also some girls come over to the house and we may have ourselves another girl fight! Also Mike's sister comes for a visit and Ronnie has a fight of his own.

So how did you like this episode? It was kind of like "a day in the life" type of episode - just the crew hanging out, going out, freaking out, etc. Fun times.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta


Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

think dating sites had it pretty tough during the crunch